His fam is a self-amplifying system of darkness

[nillah]

I should have listened to all the friends who told me to move out of the shared apartment as soon as I broke up with my uNPD bf of 5 years.

I didn't do it because I was still living in fantasy land. To be honest, when I chose to end the relationship, it wasn't because I fully *saw* everything that he had been putting me through. I just knew something was awfully off and he didn't care to work on figure out a way out. I since had time to process everything because he moved to a different country, and boy oh boy. The flashbacks are intense.

I wanted to hold onto the apartment because it's a very nice location and I like the space. I thought I'd just tell him to pass on the lease to me (I was subcontracting from him). What I didn't see if how his truly messed up family and friends (his BPD sister, his super messed up mother, and his flying monkey besties), I didn't see how they were going to feed him poisonous ideas about me and amplify all kinds of darkness within him. Now when we speak, I'm constantly shocked at what comes out of his mouth. He always starts with something that paints me as a devil, but then the more time we spend together he softens and starts to be less defensive. But since we're not living together, he always leaves, talks to them and the cycle repeats.

I confess that back when we were together, I did think I could save him from the mess that is his family by being his voice of reason. Now I realize that was just my ego unchecked. He's so deeply enmeshed with them and all of them are stuck in cycles of amplifying each other's darkness over and over again. I didn't see it so clearly back then as I do now because in my mind I was stuck trying to protect the relationship & prove my worthiness by sticking with it.

So I'm now at the point where I realize that the darkness of his family + his own unstability is going to keep getting worse and worse. I know he still holds on some hope of us reuniting and this is what's making him behave well with him. But soon he will realize that's not happening, and I'm just afraid of what this will mean for me. We still have some logistical things to work out about the apartment in the coming month. I'm afraid of him using his nasty family to hurt my feelings (he's done it in the past). I'm back to walking on eggshells.

Please send me prayers/encouraging thoughts so that I make it to the other side. I'm not fearing any physical violence, but I know I'll have to put up a wall to protect myself from all kinds of emotional abuse until mid-Jan.

Also if you have friends going through a break-up with uNPD: please advice them to cut off ALL things connecting them to that person asap (get out of the house, separate bank accounts, whatever there is). Even if the ex seems to behave reasonably at first, you just can't count on that. Please remind them that staying connected to an uNPD comes at a very high cost!

[Leonor]

Yes, I get this, and I'll be thinking of you as you prepare for your move.

I think of my ILs as an "echo chamber of misery." It's just a resounding hum of suffering.

*Sigh*

Do you have anything to look forward to? Like a new place or neighborhood if he refuses to give you the lease, or something to celebrate your upcoming freedom?