Cant read the situation

Bunnyme · August 03, 2020, 09:30:29 PM

Me again. Y'all are my lifeline right now.
I've posted about lies I caught my husband in. So. Many. Lies. Last week, he pulled a DARVO (just learned what that is) after I found out about him lying about finances. Just found out he lied about his new job...

Anyway, in our separation agreement (very hard fought), I have full legal and physical custody. He gets a few hours a week of supervised visitation (which he often changes or misses). I am perfectly happy to keep it as it is, except with some housing issues to resolve. In our agreement, he insisted on me agreeing to mediation. I did. It is time for the mediation, and now he doesnt want it. At first thought it is great, as I never wanted it. Tonight, he was proposing that he agree to stay out of the house for a year, keep everything the same. Awesome.

But then...well, maybe he wants to be able to revisit visitation in 6 months. I said we can modify our agreement to reflect that we agree to not do mediation. Him: well...that's not necessary. We can just come up with something ourselves. No rush. Our agreement states mediation must be within 90 days. He is in no hurry to get everything written out. He says it doesn't matter as long as we both agree. Why do I need to get lawyers involved again? Then came the questions about what our future is. Though I dont see one, he is unstable. I honestly said I cant even think about it when I cant trust him. He sees that as more reason to put things off. He wants me to "think on it more seriously" before tomorrow when we can talk again and doesn't want any agreement until I decide what our future is. He is basically only going to be agreeable(or appear to be) if I give him hope, I think. I repeated that I do not see how it could if I cant trust him. Is he just manipulating me into thinking if I dont give him hope, he is going to make my life more hell?

I'm suspicious. I dont know if he is stalling because he wants time to finally get a job and an apartment so he looks better if it ever does go to court? I have lots of conflicting messages saved where he lies about all sorts of things. He said when it comes to an eventual agreement, he wants any mention of his rehab removed. (It currently states that we will go to mediation within 90 days of his release from inpatient treatment.) I'm not sure if that is reasonable or if it would hurt my case in the long run. It isnt like I dont have the bills to back it up. My gut says he is plotting something, which is why he is suddenly so averse to mediation. Working out the initial agreement was a nightmare.
He wants us to do it without lawyers involved. 4 days ago, he is crying and mad at me that he gets so little visitation and it is supervised, now he is totally cool with extending that up to a year?

I have become so paranoid that I'm confused. You know the whole if it is too good to be true thing? I dont see him suddenly changing and agreeing to everything and keeping the current agreement. I know I cant possibly know what he is thinking. My best guess is that he is baiting me with what I want, then he will drag out actually putting it together. He will buy time, tell everyone that he is offering me everything, and I'm the one being difficult. Poor him. He will have no choice but to fight me on it all because I'm so unreasonable. Or he wants to appear nice so I'll stop pushing him on his lies and gambling.

See how paranoid I've become?!?! That's just the way everything else has gone, so I've been here before

Has he actually pulled a switcheroo in which *I* am the one pushing for mediation? My thought is to say ok, keep things the same. He can have it written up and get it to me within a week, or we move forward with mediation. Should I even want it? I feel like either way I go, it could backfire.

Sorry for the long post. I appreciate having a chance to vent to people who get it, as so many people think my husband is just the greatest.

SeaGlass · August 03, 2020, 10:56:57 PM

I wish I had a good explanation for his behavior. I can tell you this though, you are not paranoid. I think you're being smart and have your eyes wide open. He's definitely up to something. I agree that making himself out to be the victim while you're the unreasonable one sounds like a good probability.

FreeSophia · August 04, 2020, 01:12:07 AM

no, you aren't being paranoid. you have played his games too many times. you know him the best so whatever it is you're thinking that he's up to he probably is! it sucks when you have to think like that, but thats the way it goes in these kinds of relationships.

BeautifulCrazy · August 04, 2020, 09:24:27 AM

Always
Always
ALWAYS cover your own butt.
Have witnesses.
Have lawyers.
Do the mediation. (The mediator might be a great ally. They are quite likely to see through your x.)
In my experience and from my observations, deviating from agreements looks bad. There are a hundred ways he can manipulate you on the mediation issue alone. (She's the one who changed her mind, I'm just trying to stick to the agreement!)
In the meantime, disentangle yourself as much as you can.
It sucks, but at some point you will probably realize and learn to accept that a PD or addict is going to manipulate you and the situation as much as they can. That's just how they are. I don't think there is any nice or easy way out of a relationship with either of these types, you have to buckle down and get through as best you can. Know what you want and stick to your guns. He's likely to put you through everything you are imagining, plus a bunch you can't, but you will come out the other side and live a wonderful life of your choosing. Probably can't say the same for him

Sending strength and support and big squeezy

~BC

PeanutButter · August 04, 2020, 09:48:55 AM

Trust your gut.

To me as i read what you posted I got the feeling that 'wanting to remove any mention of his rehab' may be important to what he is up to. IMO maybe thats why he doesnt want to do the mediation now because it will solidify that 'mention of his rehab' remains?

Based on my feeling as I read : his wanting to have a chance for more, 'normal', or "typical" visitation may be something he thinks could be good for him in bartering with you. Perhaps using his time with the child to emotionally blackmail you into letting him call the shots because you would rather the child be with you?

I would keep it all legal. I would keep the agreements you already made.

GettingOOTF · August 04, 2020, 09:58:29 AM

When I was finally at the end stage of divorcing my ex he didn’t want an attorney. He said he’d agree to what ever I wanted which I was thrilled with.

My attorney told me to pay for an attorney of his choosing to review the papers so he couldn’t come back at a later stage and say he didn’t understand what he was agreeing to.

Your husband is currently in active addiction and living in a halfway house. If he decides to challenge any agreement he makes during this period he likely would not have any issues getting the agreement overturned if its an informal agreement made between the two of you. The mediators are there to make sure it’s “fair” for both.

I am not an attorney, this is simply my observation based on my personal experience divorcing someone diagnosed with a PD (and who has unacknowledged and untreated alcohol issues) and my observations of the process of separating from an addict from other boards I read.

When I was divorcing my ex moved in with someone who he told he was divorced. He was suddenly very motivated to move the divorce he’d been stalling for years forward. I used that opportunity to lock down what I wanted with and push it through. My ex ultimately chose not to take up my offer to pay for an attorney. This is explicitly stated in our divorce papers.

I would not believe a single thing your husband tells you right now. He has his own agenda. Fingers crossed he gets some real sober time under his belt and he can be a reliable and present father, but right now his priorities are elsewhere.

My advice to any woman in this situation is to cover themselves legally. The money and pain now will be nothing compared to what it will be when he finally realized you are serious and decides to fight you.

Bunnyme · August 04, 2020, 10:31:57 PM

Today, his tune changed again. He wants to extend the agreement for 6 months. Not asking for any more visitation, I keep legal and physical custody. He said he is going to have an attorney look it over. He is ok with it all being in writing and notarized...though he wants me to be the one to pay to write it with my atty.

It feels too easy. He is unemployed (got a temp job for now) and wants to put in what amounts to him paying way more in bills than I am. I don't see ANY possible way he will be able to pay what he is saying he will. His part of daycare alone will be more than half of his income (his parents may be paying for his bills, though. They just bought him a car.) He often has big plans for how he will pay for things that never pan out. I have no idea what is happening. I'm inclined to go ahead and do it. I mean, there isnt anything else I'd be asking for in mediation. Would I go and say, no, please pay less? I dont want to take advantage. I also need to protect my kids, so keeping the custody is my top priority. Leave it as is so I have more I'm willing to negotiate on later?

I am also catching myself thinking, "maybe i havent been giving him enough credit. Maybe he really is changing." Then, I think, that...right there...that may be the motivation. Make me second guess myself. His siblings have come to me and said they are concerned. He is lying to them, too. His own sister (whom he is close to) said she doesnt know how I can stay married to him, as he lies SO much. Maybe he is trying to prove something to them?

Associate of Daniel · August 04, 2020, 10:56:29 PM

Bunnyme, I'm a little confused as to the mediation timeline.

But I still think it would be wise to not veer from the agreement. So, much as mediation is the absolute pits, do it.

I'm not sure how mediation works where you are. Here, lawyers are not usually involved. There are government funded mediation centres that charge a pro rata rate according to your income.

Each party has an individual intake session before meeting together with the mediator.

If you go to your meeting and your ex refuses to attend, that's on him. You've fulfilled your part of the agreement.

The mediator will issue a certificate to say why mediation didn't take place (in general terms) and you can present that certificate to the court.

If your ex does decide to go through with it, you can be in seperate rooms if you want to be.

Do keep us up to date with it all. Lots of self care to keep your thoughts clear.

AOD

Bunnyme · August 05, 2020, 12:02:57 AM

Thanks. The mediation is a neutral lawyer. It would be just him and the two of us, or with our lawyers as well if we want (and want to pay). Basically, he just asks us what we want and tries to find middle ground. He writes up a memorandum of understanding for us to take back to our attorneys to actually hammer out an agreement.
Since we already agree on terms, idk what the mediator would do. Perhaps try to convince my husband that he should ask for more. And we have to get our attys to write it up anyway. Mine said it would be ok to not do mediation if we write into the new agreement that we mutually agree to waive the mediation this time.
This, of course, depends on my husband following through. His parents kept making changes the first time.