trying not to contact...

[oldboy]

feeling weak and unimpressed with myself -
i got a one-sentence snarky note from her yesterday and went into a tailspin. i felt really strange, so i checked my pulse and is was going around 160bpm - that's when i realized i was angry. not just annoyed and sad, but powerful battle-ready kickass MAD. i had been hiding that from myself.
so i moved - i sent back a note that not even a narcissist would enjoy and deleted unread the response.
i ordered a new phone. my old phone is on her plan, i pay twice what it costs her and she uses it as a weapon - both blowing it up with hate mail, or threatening to shut it off if she's not satisfied with my response/lack of response. it's the only thing she has left to threaten me with. it will easily be worth it to send everyone i want to know my new number. now i'll be able to say whatever i want for the first time in years. it surprised me how much fear i felt while ordering it, even though she's many miles away in some guy's bed. trauma bond be damned! i don't need you.

so now i'm hoping the fear will fade along with the love and the hope and the illusion that this person was ever anything but a predator who found some easy prey. i don't need her, i don't like her, i don't want her. and i think i'm a giant step closer to not wasting my days and my energy on a cause that was never anything but lost.

[NumbLotus]

Rather than weak, you are sounding stronger. Great move ordering the new phone. I know about the racing pulse, stress and conflict affect me physically very strongly.

[oldboy]

i answered a FaceTime call today. i had read her notes to me, they were incoherent, i was concerned. on the call she was much worse, cruel beyond any reason, detached from reality, going on about so many people she hates - and i know these people, they are decent and have done her no harm. the whole time she was yelling and driving in traffic. she was entertaining herself by being scary. it was disturbing in a new way - she's deteriorating quickly and blames it on me for leaving. it's not my fault, this would have happened either way.
i'm glad i'm far away now because at this distance she can't blame me if she beats herself up, or worse. i know i have to let go and actually abandon her, and stop caring if she lives or dies, because my caring helps neither one of us.

[oldboy]

i am having an awful time. no one to talk to, freshly butchered by a monster i loved. nothing has worked. i am worse off than ever and i'm out of options. fuck this.

[Crushed_Dad]

talk to me old boy, going through exact same stuff

[oldboy]

Crushed - i think yours is worse, but -
she's contacting my grown children, who she had no interest in before she dumped me. the tirade on FaceTime yesterday was the craziest, most hateful thing i've ever heard - she cursed out lots of people who have no idea she does this, including her mother, who gave her and maintains the car she was driving during the call. she's many times threatened and pretended to call the police on me with completely false charges - she is skilled at crying and looking hot will doing it. she can make tears roll down her chest at will.

i spent 7 years defending myself, trying to point out obvious errors in her judgements against me, giving her everything i could afford. i brought into two different bands i had started (she's an excellent musician) and her drama broke up both of those bands i had worked hard to create.
she regularly insulted the way i walk, talk, think, sing, eat, write, drive, dress, and look. every gift i ever gave her became a weapon to use against me. things she gave me she always cursed me for accepting, and demanded them back.

i was healthy but lonely when i met her - now i have multiple serious health problems that i believe are caused by the never-ending stress of from trying to be her partner. she broke up with me about once every two weeks, then came back aggressively seductive, with never a mention of what had happened.
she made up rules for me that didn't apply to her, and changed them without warning - often prohibit exactly what she was demanding, and cursing me both for doing and not doing what she demanded.

until recently she was swearing she loved me, while cursing me for supposedly not loving her.
now she's sleeping with someone less than half her age, and she believes she is infallibly psychic and about to be a superstar. she ridicules (to me) her friends and says she's going to "take them down!" for not doing her bidding.

i get lots of messages, texts, voicemails, etc telling me "we're finished", "i'm done with you", "DO NOT CONTACT ME", etc immediately followed by a barrage of contacts, all of them filled with ridiculous lies and insults.

just this morning i got another one that simply said "GOODBYE". she will send more later today or tomorrow.

i let my needs lead me into this hell, but in truth she's a skilled con artist, and i don't much blame myself. she is on disability for mental health, and she shows almost every sign of both NPD and BPD, plus serious paranoia.

i moved far away recently, partly to get away from her but i fear she might come here uninvited and wreak havok. my closest friend for years is a complete nightmare, a walking Red Flag. i forgave her too many times, and i'll never get back what i lost by it.

that's the short version. i have 42 unsent letters i wrote to her, dating back to the second year i knew her. reading them over made me wonder how i ever managed to stay with her.

[Crushed_Dad]

Do you have much family?

I've had moments of weakness but it's the contact. I've stopped all contact except via email and only on the subject of children. I feel a little better for it.

[BeautifulCrazy]

Can you and your inner circle go total no contact? Like your kids and your immediate family and your besties?

[BeautifulCrazy]

I know the temptation when you are so empathic and have taken care of and loved and protected and saved this person for so long... but you really need to go no contact. When I broke up with my PDx it was just like what you describe. I was hoovered in soooo many times! Sometimes I even did it to myself by reaching out " to say goodbye" or to try to get across something that I thought he really really needed to understand. Like others posted earlier, the drama, the trauma bond, is an addiction of sorts.
And the guilt really works too. Worrying they have gone off the deep end or will hurt themselves. That's not on you!!
You should turn all that love, empathy, caretaking, protecting, saving, etc. in a new direction and take care of the wonderful, loving person who is always there for you.... YOU!!
I'm reading your posts and cheering for you!! You are going to get through this!

[oldboy]

CrushedDad -
i moved far away from what's left of my family - one sister and my 93 year old aunt still stay in touch. i'm aiming at NC, doing sort-of well (NC in real life, in my head not so much).

BeautifulCrazy -
most of my friends 'back home' know her, most of them told me to dump her years ago then gradually gave up. i'm many miles away, and my new friends haven't met her, and won't ever. my remaining relatives aren't interested in her at all.
but she contacts two of my grown children - usually right after raging at me - and tries to 'turn' them. my daughter isn't buying it, my younger son (who's much smarter than me) wouldn't touch it for gold, but my older son might be into it. i think she plans to hook up with him, and he is quite narcissistic himself - they would make a horrible couple. but then, i haven't spoken to him since he ordered me not to, about 5 years ago.

i got the new phone and put in my contacts. she's not in there.

[oldboy]

BeautifulCrazy -
i just saw your new post. yes, because of the trauma bond, etc only NC is going to work.
the last itme i talked to her she was raving mad - definitely somethng seriously worse than before. i do wonder if she got arrested again or worse. i worry for her son and her mother, but her own problems are self-generated and she likes to scare people.
there are many things she 'needs' to understand, many things she got wrong, many things i could help her with if she allowed it, but she never did and never will. she is utterly loyal to her illness.
if she dies or kills someone, my other friends back home would tell me. short of that, it doesn't much matter, so i might actually be safe now. she has the boyfriend half her age and plenty of other friends to hate back there.
i have no close friends here yet, but it's not so bad. i'm having some fun.

the new phone is a big deal - it was the last thing she had to threaten me with. before if i ignored too many contacts, she'd say she was going to shut it off. it kept me answering. no more. there is nothing left that she can take away from me, and she knows it. i think i'm in the clear - she will never get this number.

[oldboy]

there's no reward.
no reward for the years of hoping and trying, helping and giving, listening and caring.
no gift was ever really received, no explanation ever listened to, no effort ever helped anything.
i loved until my heart was worn out and my health crushed.
i waited patiently as my time ran out. i used up my last chance on a fraud.

there's even no reward for having the courage and will to stop wasting it all on her. i did waste it all, it's gone now.
i'm too old and weak to start over. i have so little to offer that it would be an insult to anyone worth giving it to.

[NumbLotus]

No, there's no reward other than personal growth, and I can't say if it's worth it.

There is no hope for her. There is hope for you, though.

You've only just started healing - and that's assuming that you're no longer reading *any* her emails or checking your old phone for messages. You've just started healing and you're not going to be stuck on this level forever.

Will you find a partner in the future? No one can say, of course. You are certainly worth it, though.

Your first partner is yourself, though, and you are worth getting to know yourself and reparenting yourself.

[Poison Ivy]

 

[hhaw]

oldboy:

I hope you can embrace self-compassion and drop all judgments.  Of yourself particularly.

You're human and you made mistakes.  You're remedying them as you can now.  Cut yourself some slack.  What would you say to a friend in your situation.

GIVE THAT to yourself.

Kindness.

Compassion.

Comfort.

[oldboy]

thanks for the answers, all of you.

[oldboy]

the Hoovers have started again.
first a long note telling me i should get on disability, then two phone calls with no message, the a short email apologizing for calling, 'felt alone. must starve that demon.' fairly clever, ambiguous and suggestive, damsel in distress vague cry for help. is she the demon, or her desire for a response, or is that me? who knows, but i do know that it doesn't matter and sounds joyless. maybe i shouldn't have read the note but i do need to know if or when the old phone is getting shut off.
i didn't respond at all, but i did try to make plans with a different woman i know. old phone is on its last month. the pull is strong but logic helps - if it's only a demon i got nothing to give it.

[Crushed_Dad]

Stay strong bud, don't give in. The cravings die down.....

[BeautifulCrazy]

Can you block all those avenues of communication?
And you have a new phone now right? So the old phone maybe doesn't matter as much as you are telling yourself. Maybe not at all? Can you just turn it off right now and let be disconnected from you? Is there really a life and death reason that you couldn't?

Yeesh. I feel for you oldboy. So much!!
I dragged my addiction to/ relationship with a N out for much longer than I needed to by going no contact with them but still reading and listening to everything  they sent. Like, TWO YEARS!! I replied to nothing, so I was "technically" no contact....
but I read emails and texts and IMs listened to voicemails for two years. So almost every day was STILL all about what the N said, what the N did, what the N thought, what the N felt.... And so almost every day was STILL me reacting to the N (if only on the inside) And thinking about the N. And feeling all the feels about the N. I had to stop. And live my life for just me.
It is easy for me to say now being 7 years out from that (okay, 5 since i actually freed myself but 7 as far as they know) but you really gotta go no contact. Not just "I Don't Contact the Narcissist". Also "I Don't Allow The Narcissist To Contact Me"
NO.
CONTACT.
For your own safety and sanity. You deserve to defend and protect yourself from this person by not accepting their abuse. I understand you have been conditioned to rely upon the N's approval and validation during the abuse cycle as a survival mechanism and you are probably still holding on to that. You deserve more oldboy.
I know there was a link to an article in a reply to one of posts in another thread but I can't find it just now. Here is a paragraph I copied from it. (I have a friend grinding through the same withdrawal you are. She was obsessively checking all her media all the time.)

Every time you choose not to check up on, respond or reach out to an abusive ex-partner, you demonstrate that you value yourself, you value your time, your new life and your right not to be subjected to abuse or mistreatment. You protect yourself from traumatizing information or emotional violence that could further retraumatize you and ensnare you back into an abuse cycle. A cycle that can only expose you to more pain, heartache and a pervasive sense of hopelessness. You have escaped from the abuse – don't let yourself reenter the cycle right back into a seemingly inescapable situation again. It can get more and more difficult to leave each time you do.

Live your life for you now oldboy. For you and about you.

[hhaw]

Just file it all away in the "in case the stbxpd alleges terrible charges against" you files.

Stay strong.  Be kind to yourself.