Too much too late

[escapingman]

So worn out. Glad I have started the divorce process and got a bit, I don't think I would have had the energy to start it now. Woke up in the night in a fright as I heard her voice calling for me. I need to take off this armour and stop pretending I can protect the kids from home, I am not protecting myself.

She just messaged me she wants me back home as she wants to save the family. I am feeling sick of hiw she one moment treat me like a a piece if dog turd and the next pretends she is trying to save the daily and its all my fault.

I am really considering getting a sick note from my doctor and take a substantial time off to recover. And at the same time use that in the divorce and blame her for loss of income.

At least I am far away from her right now so she can't get to me physically.

[guitarman]

You are being emotionally abused.

You are safe where you are but your mind doesn't realise that yet as you have endured trauma for so long. Your mind still feels in danger and wants to protect you.

I live with constant anticipatory dread and hyper vigilance thinking that something very bad is about to happen. I am on constant alert for danger. It's all part of CPTSD. I get regular flashbacks of life threatening incidents and extreme emotionally abusive times. I get triggered easily into an anxiety state.

These are all quite normal symptoms after being around someone who has been so abusive for so long.

I've just learnt this meditation from Dr Ron Siegel.

https://drronsiegel.com/

"Even though the future is uncertain here and now I'm safe".

I calmly repeat it to myself over and over. That helps to ground me in the present. I observe my breathing.

Anxiety is an awful state to be in. It can feel impossible to think straight. I know.

I follow the Mindfulness teacher Tara Brach. I listen to her regular free talks. They help to keep me calm. I become more able to cope when I am calm.

www.tarabrach.com

Maybe you will be able to talk with your therapist soon. I hope so.

Keep calm. Stay strong. Stay safe. Keep posting.

[escapingman]

Thanks Guitarman.

I am really stressad now and need validation I am soing the right thing short term. I left the house on a planned trip STBX new about, but she still blamed me in the end as apparently I put her in a difficult situation with looking after GC(her mum lives round the corner). She also raged so much just before I left I still get shivers down my spine thinking about ever experiencing it again. I have now booked a hotel for when coming back and then just not go back, ever. This makes me feel guilty as GC will need looked after. But I am a wreck, I am mentally worn down. Is it my obligation to get back into the fire to look after my child, or is it hers as she has seriously abused me?

I am at the end here.

[guitarman]

I think you have to take care of yourself first at the moment and stay away. You recognise that being in contact with your wife would be detrimental for your mental health which is also impacting your physical health.

You are very vulnerable. When we are in that state we are more likely to breakdown. That is when violence can occur because we can't cope any more. I know, because I've been there as well.

You are getting support. You are seeing a therapist and seeing your doctor.

If your children are in danger then social services need to be informed. I know that's not easy to do but it has to be done for their safety.

Your wife needs help if she is in danger of harming herself or others. That is what the mental health professionals make a judgement on. You need to give the responsibility of her care to the mental health professionals. Let them make that decision.

I have been in a similar situation many times with my uBPD/NPD sister. It was the best decision I made to let the professionals know what is really going on in the family.

My sister threatened her husband with a knife. She had a meltdown and was lighting matches outside her adult son's bedroom door. My other sibling took him to the police station and my sister could have been arrested for attempted arson. My nephew didn't pursue it as he was still living there. I wish the police had arrested her. She would have got the right treatment that she really needed.

Sometimes people don't get the right treatment until there is a life threatening incident. I hope it never reaches that stage with you and your family. From all the signs you are posting about your wife's behaviour is getting worse. Please let your doctor know what is going on. Let them take the responsibility of her care.

You need to take care of yourself as no one else is going to do that for you.

There are support lines you can call.

As you are in the UK you can call Samaritans for a chat. They are very good. I've called them myself many times. You don't have to feel suicidal to call them.

Call 116 123 for free at any time.

Website
https://www.samaritans.org/


Keep calm. Stay strong. Stay safe. Keep posting.

[JustKeepTrying]

EM,

I am happy that you have a safe environment to return too - the hotel room sounds like a good solution.  Perhaps you can get a place for the girls as well - an adjoining room or suite.  So they know, which is important, that they have a safe place as well.  That the safe place is with you.  Even if they aren't there daily.

Guitarman is right.  This is a dangerous time with emotions running high all over.  Be very careful - she could turn physical or take it out on the kids or your possessions. 

I am glad that you are posting here and venting.  The situation sounds absolutely untenable.  Don't forget to take those long deep in and out breaths.  They do help with anxiety.

[escapingman]

I am waiting to hear back from my solicitor, hopefully I get to talk to her today.

With some distance to it I have decided to go home for the day when GC need to be looked after, I don't want to get her to feel abandoned. But, STBX is crumbling and I am worried of her next actions, probably better for me to be around and be the punching bag than the kids. But I am also meeting with my therapist tomorrow, she has said she will whelp me report to social services if I feel the need or if she feel the need (out of my hand if she suspect risk for the kids). I feel a bit stronger having been away for a few days, but I am very aware of how I felt when I left. Maybe I need her to be physical towards me to have her removed? Or a complete breakdown? Or maybe what has happened is enough? I am sure I have enough new incidents for my solicitor, but it cost a lot to get the court orders, and STBX could fight them and potentially have them overruled. I don't know.

My worst worry is how fast my brain seems to forget the abuse and try to convince me it will be fine to go back home. 

[guitarman]

Being shouted at is abuse.

You can call Samaritans for free at any time for a chat.

Call 116 123

[guitarman]

Any bruises my uBPD/NPD sister had when my other sibling tried to restrain her or pull her away from intimidating another family member were used as evidence against them. So be aware of that.

It is best not to have any physical contact at all.

Everything can be twisted around against you.

My sister could misconstrue a hug as an attack.

Please be careful.

My sister was so pleased she had bruises as she then felt she had the physical evidence to show police that she had been attacked and was the victim not the abuser.

[escapingman]

STBX has done the opposite, attacked me and then when I defended myself argued she tried to hug me. I am not sure why not need running towards someone that sits on the floor getting something out of the fridge with both arms up ready to show in the back.

I have the bruises from before documented, but no I am not intending to touch her, but record her when she rage.

But I get you, she will twist anything or make up anything to make me look the bad one. I also know she has GC so far under her control so I am very worried she will back any lie STBX will produce.

I am also really tired of running away, I don't want to have to go and stay in a hotel all the time for my peace. I will still do it, but I need to sort out a new home. I don't want our current house, to many bad memories and will always be a reminder of all hope and promises that never happened.

Thanks for being here for me. I am not ready to call someone else right now, but maybe soon. I am slowly telling people about the divorce, but not the abuse as they will only look at me and laugh at me for being double her size and not being able to sort her out.

[hhaw]

EM:

Don't share as much of your story with people who don't understand. 

Tell those who "get it."

Depend on them.

Lean on them.

Ask for help from them.

Any reported incident should happen when kids aren't home, IME.  Take them out to f situation.  If stbx tosses tv button at you...Report it is my advice.

Your situation improves when stbx faces consequences for violence and abuse.

Your life gets simpler, you'll likely waste fewer resources and time......better mental health, etc.

[escapingman]

Ok. Not to surprising.  She has declared war through her solocitor. She basically want all my money. I fight this. I am ready for it. I am angry. I am furious. But I will win it.

[Rose1]

Now that she has declared war be very careful. We think it's just an expression  but in our experience they mean it and anything is fair game. I get your concern for the gc but wonder if you are putting yourself into a trap. Your gc will benefit from years of therapy, another month will make little difference. If she's forced into testifying against you that could be quite different. it will likely leave her with guilt on top of everything else.
Dh's pdxw declared war, threw herself down the stairs and called the police alleging abuse. It was only because his kids also said what happened that he didn't end up in jail. Don't underestimate. Imo you can be set up and her lawyer may be giving her some ideas. Out of the line of fire is often best practice.

[Stillirise]

  I agree with Rose1.

Now that she's shown her hand, this becomes a different kind of battle. Whatever you are feeling—anger, frustration, etc., it's ok.  Just remember that while it will be hard at times, outwardly you need to appear pragmatic, calm, and ready for whatever comes.  It may feel unnatural at first, to switch into a cold and calculated business mode regarding your own family.  However, you aren't going to end up with things you want out of this, unless you do.  Only tip your hand when it benefits you to do so.  Otherwise, head down, stay quiet.  Let the girls see you be the stable, rational parent right now, without explanation.  You have the rest of your life to build the relationship you want with them, separate from their PdM.

[escapingman]

So, she made up a lie to her solicitor that I am about to take all the money so she now wants my money frozen. At the same time she has told GC the same lie and I am now shouted at by GC for being a criminal and that she hates me more than anything in the world, she even physically attacked me when I tried to speak to her. When I spoke to my solicitor she just laughed at the attempt by STBX and I think she will enjoy taking her down. As a first step STBX will be warned again for her behaviour, and if she doesn't adjust go for a court order to have her removed, which my solicitor feels is a real possibility based on the latest event.

[guitarman]

It would be safer for you not to stay there.

If your wife is unstable and acting out she could make up false allegations against you. It's the black or white thinking. "If you aren't my friend then you are my enemy".

My uBPD/NPD sister did it. She could be a very believable actor. She twisted history around so much that she began to believe all the lies she told about people. She became paranoid and delusional.

Your wife may already be starting smear campaigns about you for her to appear the victim.

I know you are worried about your children and want to be with them to protect them. It's an awful dilemma to be in.

I'm glad that your solicitor is able to give you the right information about what is actually legal and what isn't.

Your wife is trying to intimidate you. She is losing her power and control over you and has to become more extreme.

Keep calm. Stay strong. Stay safe.  Keep posting.

[escapingman]

Guitarman, I am leaving again tomorrow. I came back for the day as GC was supposed to on her own and I did not want her to think I abandoned her, this didn't really matter in the end as I have been very much abused by my own daughter using arguments fed by STBX. Then I will be thinking of next steps and how to stay away without moving out. I have actually been called a criminal by STBX for not wanting to share my income with her anymore. The entitlement is really making me feel sick., in her mind she will get 50% of all my income for the rest of our lives whether we stay married or not.

[Rose1]

So she has thought about it and decided that a nice life on your money is what is going to happen. She will not be happy as things change. Dh's ex believed the same and managed to take him to 0 through through courts. US courts are often a lot worse of course, but it was a long procedure because she had no intention of complying with anything, wanted dh to end up penniless if she couldn't have it, and certainly didn't care if her kids were impacted,  which the youngest certainly was. The next youngest, the gc, was persuaded to join in the games. He does not have much of a relationship with dh now as an adult, probably because he still buys into the alienation.
She may look like she wants gc on her side but is just as likely to drop her if it suits.
Sadly once war is declared the quicker this can be finished, the better. Hopefully she will show her true colours at some point.

[Stillirise]

All you can do at this point is stay quiet, and be reasonable, through your solicitor. Trying to reason with her, or even with GC right now, will only lead to more chaos.  Just because she wants something to be true, doesn't mean it is.  Let her flail and thrash around and discover that on her own, while you're keeping your ducks nicely in a row.  There's a much better than even chance that your kids, even GC, will change their perspectives over time.  If you'd let this untenable situation continue, it wouldn't have gotten better for them, or you. You're doing very courageous things right now, even though lying low and staying quiet doesn't always feel like it.

[escapingman]

Thanks for all support.

I have left again, at least temporary whilst trying to cobble together a plan. Yesterday evening was horrendous with STBX and GC spinning the lie STBX made up about me. There is nothing I can do right now as all GC does is tell me to get lost and laughs at me.

Will probably go for the court order soon, but  letting the solicitor take it in the right order.

[Rose1]

Courts don't like parental alienation and currently it's rather obvious it's happening. Good your lawyer is on it