I am back home

[hhaw]

Hi, em:

I saw an Instagram post by a child T under parenting.resilience

It might be interesting to have something positive and informative like that running in the background if you're mind is racing or you can't sleep.

I also listened to books on tape when I was in the thick of it.

Have a nice weekend, EM.

[escapingman]

Thanks again hhaw.

I have no trouble sleeping right now, normally I wake up an worry and toss and turn all night. Since coming home I have slept like a baby for 10 hours or more. SG is sleeping even more, she is not up until close to lunch time. I am not giving what's going to happen to much through's, there is little I can do until after the weekend so I will try to just rest and support SG as much as possible. It is very clear GC has been completely turned against me but I keep messaging her, not much more I can do right now. Yesterday me and SG had a movie night, it was amazing looking at her watching the movie and laughing, she then went to sleep towards the end of the movie, looking so peaceful.

SG had a bit of a temper with me yesterday, I had not done all the things her mum does to her so she complained. She then complained about me and X splitting up, I calmly tried to remind her about this was not what anyone wanted and explained it had to happen because of how recent weeks has been. SG understands and we ended up in a big cuddle. But this is testing times for SG, she misses her mum but she knows her mum currently has limited abilities to be nice to her.

[justducky]

It sounds like you're handling everything beautifully. So glad that you and SG have the time and space to heal. 

[escapingman]

It sounds like you're handling everything beautifully. So glad that you and SG have the time and space to heal. 

Thanks justducky, I am not sure where all this calm and rational thinking comes from. I have turned off almost all emotions, deliberately or undeliberate I don't know, but I just don't react to whatever is thrown at me at the moment. All I am doing is fully focusing on the facts, the truth and the mission. Yes it's hard when SG start complaining about it not being fair that we are splitting up and that she didn't want this, but I just have to comfort her and try to do my best. I just found out that uNPDx has found a new way to extract money out of the joint bank accounts, I decided to not react and quietly write down what she does and how much she is taking and then act on it later. Since I think what she is doing is borderline criminal I let her keep digging for some time and then trap her when the time is right. At the moment all my focus is on the children, custody and safety.

Thanks for all your support. 

[SonofThunder]

It sounds like you're handling everything beautifully. So glad that you and SG have the time and space to heal. 

Good stuff EM, keep up the good work.  Im here on Out of the FOG browsing threads, but simply only commenting on selected boards/ideas.  Im following along with your posts, and thinking about and praying for you my friend.  Soak in these times of some peace and cherish the truth. 

SoT

[escapingman]

Thanks SoT, hope you are doing well too.

I told my parents today, far from the full story but some. I was asked how I was feeling and that, I replied as you would expect and day not the best. But the truth is, I feel great. Yes I miss my girl, but I think that will be solved. But to nit be shouted at and just be calm, I love it. I absolutely love it. And this is us just a few days in. I am sure next week will be hell but at least X is not in my face.

This is bliss.

[escapingman]

The weekend has been peaceful, with a 4 day weekend here and nothing moving me and SG has had a great rest. She has had the odd hick ups but I do think she get it and that she appreciate me, she has come in with me to bed for a long cuddle before going to her bed every night.

Tomorrow the battle will start, I am starting to get a bit stressed and nervous about this. I have no idea what to expect and what will happen, I have kind of been railroaded into this by the Barrister and Solicitor, am grateful for it as I might have hesitated unless put on the spot. But, X is out of the house, so I should be able to encounter all of things thrown at me from a more peaceful environment.

[hhaw]

I'm sorry you're feeling anxious, EM.  Expect it to come and go....know it's temporary.  You can do anything for a short while.

I assume you're talking about the emergency hearing for GC when you refer to feeling railroaded by your councel?

If past outcome is any indication of future outcome, assume stbx' s Barrister will make a deal with yours so stbx avoid consequences....
that seems to be good leverage, if I understand correctly.

Lean into the discomfort and know it's about mitigating harm.  At least things have a chance to get better bc of this conflict.

[escapingman]

hhaw, thanks again.

I actually don't know how it works, if I would be able to get the same Barrister again and if uNPDx will have the same. When I hired mine I got a list from my Solicitor of who was available on the day and I picked the one who had the best fit for my case (also the most expensive one). In an ideal world I would have the same, but in all likelihood she could be tied up in another hearing on the day of any hearing. I need to figure this out. In certain ways I want uNPDx to be exposed through a hearing and have all her bad behaviour shown for what it is, but in reality all I want is my child back out of harms way. I will leave any more details out as I respect the moderators for what kind of forum this is.

Thank you all for your continuous support!

[escapingman]

If I needed any validation I am doing the right thing I got it today. I saw GC on the way to school, I said hello to her several times whilst she looked away and just walked away. It really broke my hearth, but it really shows the extent of the damage uNPDx is doing to her. I don't even dare to think what kind of smear campaign is being done and poor GC has to listen to. I really hope for GC's sake more than mine that she is being taken away from the toxic environment and returned to me. That has been one of SG's big complaint when I have not been around, both uNPDx and GC are doing all they can to turn SG against me, and when she refuse she gets verbally and physically abused by them. At least SG is safe for now, and she is so happy to be able to rest and have some peace. SG can lash out a bit at me at times, but she knows I will still be there, that's probably why she does it. But she still struggling with being told she has done something wrong as she expects being abused. I told her yesterday that she for the third time had put her plastic rubbish in the cardboard bin, and that she has to start paying attention and put it in the right bin. She immediately started shouting at me and told me I was as bad as her mum. I calmly told her that no it was not the same as I was stating she had made a mistake and please don't do it again whilst her mum would shout at her telling her she is lazy and useless etc. I could see how something connected in her when I said it as she was happy again.

[justducky]

Just want to say that I'm following your journey and keep you and your girls in my thoughts. You're doing great in a difficult situation. 

[escapingman]

Getting to much time on my own in the house, it's difficult with uNPDx stuff everywhere. Get me thinking, what could and should have been, makes me very sad. But I know there was nothing more I could do to save the marriage, it was her that never listened to what I said. Looking back at it, I never seen anyone showing so much emotions and compassion as uNPDx, unfortunately it was only for her self and her victimhood. As SoT has said in another thread, it is really hard when you feel like you are abandoning your own child, this however much they hurt you. But I am moving on, slowly starting to remove some of her stuff. I will probably start boxing it up soon, but I haven't really grasped it that she isn't coming back yet.

One question I struggle a bit with so far is when people ask me how I am. To be honest, I feel great in the sense that she is out. I am obviously sad how things went and I am desperately missing GC. But I realised the marriage was over 2 years ago and I have been grieving since. Now I need to look forward and get this over the finishing line - however hard that will be.

[escapingman]

EM,
I do imagine responding to people's inquiries is tough. What is your answer when someone asks you, "so why are you getting a divorce?" (And I'm referring to an acquaintance / colleague / superficial friend ... not someone who really gets PD). I often wonder what I would say...

BW, this is quite tricky as I don't think anyone would fully understand. I have only told the closest friends and family so far and I have told them more or less depending on how I think they can handle it.  If I tell someone a little bit and they seem to get that bit and or ask a questions, I tell some more, based on this I get a feeling for how much I can tell. Any more distant friends and or neighbours I haven't told, and if I told them I initially only tell we are splitting up. But so far, its all up to how the person I tell reacts. Sorry for the "word salad".

[justducky]

If I tell someone a little bit and they seem to get that bit and or ask a questions, I tell some more, based on this I get a feeling for how much I can tell. Any more distant friends and or neighbours I haven't told, and if I told them I initially only tell we are splitting up. But so far, its all up to how the person I tell reacts.

This seems like a prudent approach.

Remember that you don't have to tell them much of anything unless you want to.

A nicely vague response that might be helpful is "It just wasn't working out."

Keep on keepin' on, EM. You rock!

[JustKeepTrying]

EM -

Getting to much time on my own in the house, it's difficult with uNPDx stuff everywhere. Get me thinking, what could and should have been, makes me very sad. But I know there was nothing more I could do to save the marriage, it was her that never listened to what I said. Looking back at it, I never seen anyone showing so much emotions and compassion as uNPDx, unfortunately it was only for her self and her victimhood. As SoT has said in another thread, it is really hard when you feel like you are abandoning your own child, this however much they hurt you. But I am moving on, slowly starting to remove some of her stuff. I will probably start boxing it up soon, but I haven't really grasped it that she isn't coming back yet.

You are grieving.  And going through the stages of grief.

In a convo with my T last week I was talking about how angry I was with my ex.  I haven't talked to him since last Nov.  I left him three years ago.  But we were together for 34 years.  She told me it was a stage of grief and normal.  I was surprised that after all this time I am still moving through the stages of grief.  BTW, put this away for the future, she suggested I write what I am so angry about on an egg and chuck it a tree.  A good way to release the emotion and provide nourishment to some woodland creatures.  I haven't done it yet but I have a good dozen in my fridge and they are ready to go.

Be kind to yourself right now.  You will be moving through these stages and all your feelings are normal.

[escapingman]

Everything is such an unknown, I have no idea what happens with anything. The only thing I care about right now is to get my other girl home and to have them both. But what if I fail and the court doesn't give me custody? What do I do? I can't watch how uNPDx is ruining GC and her wonderful future, it is killing me. GC has been transformed from a happy wonderful girl to a cold nasty monster in the space of a few months. There must be chances to get her back to how she was. I am so angry, I mean I my blood is boiling with anger for what uNPDx has done to GC.  I can look so bright on the future, but not knowing what happens to the kids (and especially GC) is putting a big dark cloud over it all.

[moglow]

This isn't likely much comfort, but parental alienation is real and it's painful to watch. I can only imaging being on the receiving in, but I'd venture a guess that kids in a home with the alienating parent [as I was] hear it and hear it and hear it, and going along to get along with that parent is their path of least resistance. It keeps them below the radar to some extent, possibly provides some measure of safety. BUT clearly it also nurtures a bullying nature and belief that they're above all attempts to correct misbehavior. Guarantee if you and scapegoat child see and experience it, it's happening at school. Clubs. Sports. Wherever she goes and whatever she does. Mom is allowing if not openly encouraging it, and if GC has those tendencies she'll go with what she knows.

YOUR goal is to remain consistent as possible. Firm parenting, with the understanding that we have rules no matter where we are, and recognize that your house rules may very likely be different from mom's. Still - rules. Acceptable and unacceptable behavior and treatment of others goes wherever you go, and they need to understand and adapt. Of course they won't like correction, but that's not the argument here. You have to find a way to find some consistency and provide stability in spite of it all.

One thought that remains of my Daddy in a similar situation was his relentless effort to reach us, to be available, and eventually move closer to us/our schools so he could stay in our daily lives. He didn't talk smack about mother [how he managed that I have no idea], he listened and hung in there with us no matter what. It had to have been godawful. I'm honestly ashamed of some of my own treatment of him, in trying to fly under her radar. I shut him out and pushed away and all these years after his passing, it remains a source of pain for me. But - I did what I did to get through, to survive her. I could have done better but no one could tell me that at the time.

Please try to not overthink and make yourself sick over all of it. The kids need that stability and constancy they're not likely to get from their mother. Make it clear that you'll do whatever you can for them, and they can trust you to do your very best for them. Disagreeing or misbehaving isn't going to end the world, nor is redirection when needed. That's what parents DO. To NOT do it is where the problems come in.

[JustKeepTrying]

 

Please take the following as comfort - but after quite some time I have been able to build a relationship with my children again.  Yes, they are adults but at the time of the divorce my xOCPDh really manipulated them and my two oldest girls shut me out and refused to acknowledge me - for two years.  I wish I could say I didn't talk badly about their father but at first I did and I was in such a bad place myself.  But with help from the good folks here - I tried several different strategies very quickly and with time, patience and perserverence - as well as lots of therapy - I have a better relationship with them.  In fact, I was told lately that I am the parent they go to when then want or need something done - I'm the reliable one.  There were also some angels involved who quietly pointed out to my kids that - hey, this isn't cool and look at what really happened and what happened to your brother - you need to check yourself.  And they did.

All I can say is do what Moglow suggests and keep yourself open.  Let GC know you are there - it will pay off.  You are in the middle of the a giant storm but it will eventually end and all will be better.

[escapingman]

Thanks for your replies.

It's not just me she is alienating, it's my entire family and SG. Her side of the family is superior and she has told GC she is part of that side. To tell the truth, uNPDx entire family is full of narcs and they all have fallouts and there are always someone who isn't speaking to someone and someone who always done something wrong. Then they make up and are best friends, to the next fall out, rinse repeat.

I got really sad again this morning, I passed GC and her best friend, waved to them, GC looked away and her friend smiled at me and waved back. Where did my beautiful girl go?

[justducky]

I passed GC and her best friend, waved to them, GC looked away and her friend smiled at me and waved back. Where did my beautiful girl go?

She's laying low.

GC is doing the best she can to emotionally survive a difficult situation. Her mother is playing standard PD games and using her as a pawn.

Your beautiful girl is still there. You'll see here again someday. Keep following others' advice here. She'll come back to you. Eventually she'll understand the war you had to wage and she'll appreciate it.