documentation versus chasing your tail

[findjoy81]

When is communicating for documentation purposes just not even worth the time and effort? 

Here's my example, to maybe clarify.  My ex has brought children late to school a LOT, and while we were in court last year, I asked the court to consider having me be the person who always drops the children off the school.  The court declined, because I didn't document enough that it was a problem by communicating with him to ask him to get them to school on time.  So, now I am trying to ensure I'm communicating about this kind of parenting issue in a fair/friendly/unbiased way (BIFF) for future reference in court. 

Last night, children had overnight with dad.  It is currently 4 hours into the school day, and the children are still not at school.  The school has contacted me and said they can't get in touch with their dad.  I have contacted him (carefully non-accusingly, just asking if child was sick or if everything was ok), and he hasn't responded.  He still brings them late to school about 40% of the days he is supposed to take them to school.

So is it worth it at this point to send a "documentation" type email of like hey, get the kids to school on time and also hey, how about you communicate with me when they aren't going to school so that I know....
Or is it just not worth the probable argument and complaints of me controlling him or being up on my high horse or whatever he decides he wants it to be today.  I mean, the likelihood is, the court won't do anything about this anytime soon. So is there even a point?

[sevenyears]

Yes, I would document it. What kind of documentation does the court need and how much? You have a phone record that the school called you. The reason can be corroborated with the school. You also have a phone record that you followed up and tried to contact your EX. Do you need to have in writing your reasons for contacting EX? If so, then email or send a text. Since the court wants documentation, is it possible to get a record from the school about your children's lateness/absentee rates? If so, then you can show that against the parenting plan. At the very least, time to start building your case now since your EX probably won't change anytime soon. And, try not to let his complaints and arguments and vitriol get to you. How can someone argue against taking the children to school on time? That will give the court yet another reason to be the person who takes the children to school. Good luck. 

[11JB68]

I agree with7years.
In my state/town I don't thick the schools would tolerate that.
I think the kids would be considered truant.
The older the kids get, the more this will affect them academically and socially...
Sorry for some reason this really struck me as neglectful on your exs part.

[athene1399]

I agree with everyone on this example. It is not okay that he drops the kids off late consistently. Especially when the school and you try to get a hold of him and no one can. That must have been scary for you. I would have been very worried in that situation. Follow up with the school. Like 7yrs said, maybe get the tardy/absentee record from them. Make copies of what you have said to your ex (we always correspond via text or email to BM so there's written record). Make sure you tell him (in a nice way) that it is important for the kids to get to school on time. Maybe see if there's something you can do to help- like "can I give them rides to help you out?" .

how about you communicate with me when they aren't going to school so that I know

Yes! So next time if the school calls you, you may be able to let them know what's going on (or at least play it that way to your ex). If they aren't going to school because they're sick, you may need to know that for when it is your turn to have them. And if he just doesn't feel like getting out of bed, then that's an issue too. Maybe even discuss with an L is there's something else you should be doing. So if it goes back to court you will have proper documentation next time.

[findjoy81]

My ex's mentality from what the kids have said and what he has said to me seems to be of 2 minds: (1) that it's the kids' fault for not getting up/ready fast enough (they are 5 and 7) or (2) that he feels like rushing kids is being a bad parent (google "kerwin rae why my kids are late") - he said he doesn't want to yell at them and being late a few times won't hurt their education....

Also... I'm a teacher (so he especially knows that it's something important to me)...

[athene1399]

There's a difference between a few times and a lot. Maybe call the school and tell them what you've heard is going on (#2) and what they feel is an acceptable amount of time for the kids to be late just so you can pass the word to your ex (if a therapeutic way of course). Like "per the school, being late over x amount of times greatly affects their grades..."or whatever. If the kids are rushed to get ready, maybe suggest they get up earlier or they change their routine. Like "doing x in the morning works well at my house..." Odds are he will blow up at you, but if you can show you are putting in the effort, not being nasty to him, trying to help him out, and he still cannot get the kids to school on time, then maybe next time the court will agree you should be taking the kids to school. Plus it's not just you being concerned. I'm sure the school is as well. So you can also focus on how not having a routine affects the kids...they show up at school whenever when he takes them...they are getting behind in class...have no structure...etc. Document stuff like that.

PDs can be so difficult to work with, and courts do not seem to get it IME. So the best you can do is show how hard you are trying to make it work, yet it still is not working, may be what the courts need to see that there needs to be a change.

[Penny Lane]

Oh man the tardies! My H's ex does this too and she has literally told him she doesn't care about getting the kids to school on time. It stresses them out and disrupts the class. One year before I met him they got a truancy notice. And there's not much he can do about it (certainly nothing I can do).

On stuff like this, my guiding philosophy is that you should document if it doesn't take too much of your energy (emotionally, time-wise, etc). There is value in sending the email, but not at the expense of your mental health.

If you're looking for permission to not document, I think that's a totally reasonable decision! Spending your energy asking your ex to do something you KNOW he isn't going to do often feels like a huge waste. If you'd rather spend that energy on yourself, your kids, your family, your job, your friends, well I think those are all good options. Also, this isn't your last chance to document this. If you're feeling like you just don't have the energy to do it now, you can always come back around and send the email later on.

If you do decide to document I suggest something like this: "The kids have been late to school X times this school year. I'm concerned that they're missing learning time and disrupting the class. What's happening that's leading them to get to school late and is there anything I can do to help you get them to school on time consistently?" If the kids' teachers or anyone else has brought this up to you as a problem, this would be a good time to share that. And if you want you could add: "Please let me know if you are choosing to keep the kids out of school for several hours or a whole day. It's important that we each know where the kids are." Or that could be a separate email.
If he responds with rage or anything other than a productive discussion, then you drop it.

Then at most I would reiterate your concerns maaaaybe every couple months, or once a semester. Maybe offer that he can drop the kids off with you in the morning if he can't get them to school on time. (He will hate that but it shows you're trying to work out a solution). If the problem persists, maybe you set some boundaries. For example, my H has stopped trading time with his ex when she goes out of town. He'll pick up time, but he won't give her other time. Why would he give her an extra school night just so that she can keep the kids up too late and drop them off at school after the bell rings? That's not good for them. She always asks why he won't trade and he always tells her in part, it's because you aren't taking the kids to school on time.

The key to this, I think, is to go in knowing that your ex will probably respond with an angry email. Ideally the goal is to be able to read that email and say "huh he's really defensive about this, he must know he's messing up here." But I know how hard it is to do that!

Edited to add:

he said he doesn't want to yell at them and being late a few times won't hurt their education

If he says he doesn't want to yell at them that's a good opening to say "here are some strategies to get them to school on time without yelling at them." you can list things like, getting them up earlier so everything isn't rushed; sticking to a schedule; setting out clothes, backpacks, etc the night before. Stuff like that. Again, he will probably hate it. But it shows you tried. And who knows, maybe in a few months he'll internalize it and "all on his own" he will come up with the radical idea of setting the kids' backpacks out the night before! We've seen BM do that a couple times, where she takes DH's suggestion and acts like it was her own idea.