Still a Sucker

[musttryharder]

I've posted about my situation previously, and the consensus is (as I had suspected) that my wife is steadily becoming more adept at narcissistic abuse. I've withdrawn for self-protection. I'd use the word room-mates, but room-mates would usually live in a better atmosphere. I've been planning the next chapter of my life, but have not yet had the courage to act on it.
Yesterday she had an allergy flare-up and was very nice, even playful. I did the decent human thing and made sure she was taking care of herself but didn't play along with her. I know now that it's usually an act, and she's betrayed my trust with her belittling, gaslighting etc too many times for me to ever see the person I married when I look at her. Still, I felt sorry for her and I felt bad (even responsible) that we didn't have a good time like we used to. I miss having laughter and companionship in my life, and I suppose her act partially worked.
Today, I went out to a place where we used to do things together. I still like to go, but she no longer does. I thought of those times, and I still felt guilty about everything - yesterday, distancing myself emotionally (for my own protection), planning to leave.... I still get sucked in by her actions, even when I can see what's happening.
When I got home, she was impatient and uninterested when I told her about my day (after taking her dog out with me and giving her a quiet house to rest in). I felt I should make an effort after she was nice the previous day, and I was left feeling stupid once again. She had a drink after dinner and she always becomes more unpleasant when that happens - contrary and demanding.
I know I should have stayed strong, and I know I got played once again, but I suppose I wanted to believe still. I hate that I wouldn't take this abuse from anyone else, and yet she is still able to mess with my head.
I'm wondering if anyone has any tips for staying strong/resolute in getting out of the situation, or even just knowing that it isn't my fault (some days I still wonder).

[notrightinthehead]

Not sure if I understand your post correctly, did you fight after dinner? Do you regret not getting up and leave at dinner?

[Blackbird11]

I am in a similar boat where I still care for uPDh as a human being and friend,
and have about 1% hope that things could turn around. I've withdrawn a lot and I am starting to prepare my side of things in the event the day comes when I will need to end the relationship. The thing is - I'm still not 100% there as I've written, but I want to be able to have my documents, journal and finances in order for the sake of my child. I am able to take the time to do this as my uPDh is on the lower side of the spectrum and I don't feel like myself or my child are in danger. If I ever felt danger I would GTFO as soon as humanly possible. I feel guilt sometimes as well, but what are we supposed to do? I think any one of us wishes that our partner would make a recovery and we could avoid making hard decisions and breaking up our families. I know that I got into this marriage hoping it was forever. Unfortunately things came to light after the marriage that are not acceptable, and therefore I must do what I need to do. I think like you if my spouse gets ill or needs my assistance, I would absolutely be there for them as long as they weren't being abusive toward me. In al-anon they talk about detaching with love. It's what I am in the process of right now. I don't wish him bad things and I wouldn't leave him hanging, but I know I cannot spend my one and only short life in a one-sided relationship. Im still working through this but it's where I'm at today.

[Mary]

I don't think you were a sucker. Give yourself permission to enjoy the happy moments without hanging on them. I don't know if this makes sense or not. It's like, you know the happy time won't last and probably is a good hormone day, but still every good day is a very good day. I like to think of my uNPDh's high/happy days as who he really is/aspires to be. Don't let today's joy rob you of tomorrow's contentment.
Mary

[musttryharder]

Not sure if I understand your post correctly, did you fight after dinner? Do you regret not getting up and leave at dinner?

I just meant that she was being difficult after dinner. I didn't respond to it. I guess I was just showing how the abuse is always just under the surface, waiting to come out with a comment or a dig.

[musttryharder]

I don't wish him bad things and I wouldn't leave him hanging, but I know I cannot spend my one and only short life in a one-sided relationship.

I couldn't agree with you more. I don't feel malice, but I'm so sick of being miserable and watching the days and months drift by.

[musttryharder]

Don't let today's joy rob you of tomorrow's contentment.

I really like the sentiment here. Enjoying the moment doesn't have to mean I've backed down and accepted my lot.