Yelling at me about forest fires

[starshine23]

So the other day I check my Facebook and my narc mother has written in all caps: WHAT IS GOING ON WITH THE FOREST FIRES!  I HAVE A RIGHT TO KNOW!  YOUR MOTHER

There are fires burning throughout the state, but they are nowhere near me, and I told her as much.  Then she said she has been watching the news about them and it is upsetting and frightening to her.  I told her to stop watching the news then.  After that she started messaging me nonstop, saying things like "why are you reacting to me like this?  How dare you act like I don't care about you and your family!"
Ummm...  Okay. 
So today one of her flying monkey friends filled her Facebook posts about "respecting your mother" and "Calling your mother."  She stated "Some people out there really need to read this!
Ugggggghhh.
I didn't even do anything, and now I feel attacked.

Sidenote: Years ago when my family was literally running away from forest fires my mother called me and screamed at me for not keeping her informed about what was going on.  (I was busy trying to drive away from forest fires with my 2 young children at the time.)  I told her I was posting about our situation on Facebook but couldn't talk on the phone as I was driving away from fire, and I didn't want to talk about scary things in front of my children.
She later informed me that she asked her brother to find out how the fires were.  He is realtor and apparently he spoke to another realtor in our area to find out if my neighborhood was on fire.  He also very helpfully disclosed to my mother how much we bought our house for.  He never once called me or reached out to me directly to see how I was doing.  I haven't seen or spoken to him since I invited him to my wedding ten years ago and he "checked my husband out" to discern if he was "good enough for me."  (I have no relationship with this man, and I don't care about his opinion.) Also it would have been a bit late since we were getting married that day.  Also he didn't bring a gift.  Petty thing for me to bring up, but I think he thought his presence was gift enough.  Haha.
Anyway, I just feel exhausted.  I'm tired of my mother's emotional abuse tactics and subsequent badmouthing to her friends and relatives.  I'm not sure what i did wrong this time... I guess I should have been on fire?  Ill try harder next time.  JK

[Boat Babe]

The PDs in our lives can really harsh a vibe. And seriously this is vile behaviour from your mother and you must be so unutterably sick of it.

Can you minimize contact for a time? Just to get your breath back. Are you in a position to decrease contact with your mother?

I do get you. Sending hugs 🤗

[Sidney37]

I can relate.   Once my general area had a power outage due to a transformer fire. These things happen.   It was after 9/11 and nowhere near my home.  PDm called freaking out because she saw it on CNN or somewhere and was certain a yertorist attack was happening in my general area.  Nope.  It's a zillion degrees outside and the power system was likely overloaded.  Why it was on CNN was beyond me.  I had no idea until she called freaking out.  She was furious that I hadn't called to tell her about something that didn't affect me and that I knew nothing about,     Thank goodness this was before she was on social media!  PDs and social media are a terrible combination.   

I'm glad you weren't on fire!   

[WomanInterrupted]

I'm glad the fires aren't near you! 

If you felt attacked, you WERE attacked.  If it feels yucky, it IS.   

Your mother needs a serious Information Diet, where all you tell her about  your situation (no matter how  wonderful or crappy it is) is that you're all fine.  Everything is good.  No need to worry. 

If she won't drop the subject and keeps carping, tell her, "You're upset.  We'll talk later.  Goodbye." - and end the call. 

She won't like it but too bad - feeding the anxiety monster inside her does no good.  It's *never* sated.  It worries in anticipation, it worries when you feed it and THEN it thinks you're lying - you're either making a mountain out of a molehill or downplaying something far worse and keeping her in the dark.

You just can't make them happy - so stop trying.  Drop the rope!  You'll thank yourself. 

Yes, you're literally trying to outrun a fire and she thinks  your first thoughts should be HER  - not your the safety of you and the kids, but feeding your mother's insatiable desire to be nosy AND  so she can turn it around on you later and tell all her friends, "Can you believe Starshine is that dumb?  She kept texting me instead of getting out of there!  Oh, I swear that woman wouldn't know where her brain was if it wasn't attached!" 

Win for her, no matter how  you look at it - lose for you. 

Telling them nothing seems counter-intuitive since they were the ones who taught us to overshare every tiny detail, often to have it all turned around and used against us later.  We're the butt of the joke, or made to feel stupid, clumsy, slow, dull-witted, unable to do better in life than the hand we're dealt  and often, our  jokes are met with a sneered, "That's not funny.  You need to stop trying.  You just embarrass yourself."

This coming from the person with NO sense of humor, or their type of humor includes people getting hurt, emotionally or physically.

How to start the Information Diet?

Well, don't tell her anything and prevent her from seeing anything new on all social medial.  You might want to consider blocking her and DEFINITELY block all FMM's.  You don't need the hassle. 

If you decide to block your mom and she calls you to complain, tell her  you're trying not to use it so much and blocking pretty much everybody.  What she doesn't know, won't hurt her. 

But mostly it's going to be phone calls - she's screeching about the fire.

"Mom.  Everything is fine.  We're all good." 

But!  But!  The news!  The pictures! 

"That's nowhere near us.  We're fine.  It's all good."   

But!  But!  The pictures!  The smoke!  The flames!   

"Mom, I can tell you're upset, so we'll talk later.  Goodbye."

End the call.  IGNORE all other calls until YOU decide to call her back - or block her until that time.  YOU get to decide and if that's a week later, so be it. 

If she starts again, rinse, lather, repeat, hang up, block for an even LONGER period of time, until *your* nerves calm down!   

You can get a handle on this "relationship" - by not telling her a damned thing and controlling social media and how much you call.

You've GOT this!   

[Adrianna]

You're getting good advice here.

I was cringing about the flying monkey posting such things. Another dig at you. Also I would have been furious to see that all in caps from your mother. 

I have my settings so no one can post to my timeline without my ok. Although that won't stop them from commenting on a post already there.

I would put that flying monkey in a time out from your Facebook feed. You don't need to see that crap. You can unfollow or snooze her if you don't want to see her posts anymore. It's a good function to weed out that stuff if you don't want to block the person or unfriend them.

Pds and Facebook do not mix.

[freedom77]

I can totally relate to your story My BPD/N mother does the same.
I could be the one on fire, and she would expect me to remain on the phone detailing every moment, and then later magically like WomanInterrupted said, I'm the idiot for staying on the phone while burning alive, or even better, she will make it ALL about her. How hearing me on fire affected her, how painful and awful it was for her, what a shame for her...yep they always without fail make it about them, and turn it around on us.

I recall when my home was burglarized years ago while I was at work. I came home and found the severely damaged back door blowing in the breeze and knew right away what happened. I was too scared to enter the home by myself, thought it smarter to wait for the police to check the premises first.

PDs have an uncanny way of sensing the absolute wrong time to call.

Just as I was about to call the police, she rang in. At this time in my life I was completely enmeshed in the fog. Dutifully, as I was trained to do, I answered, rather than swiped it away, and put my own needs first. I told her I just got home from work and my house was burglarized and I needed to call the police. (she would often call right when she knew I'd be arriving home from work, a time most people don't wanna be on the phone because you're tired, hungry and just want to chill for a bit)

She kept arguing with me about why don't I go inside and see if anything of hers had been stolen. I told her what if they're still in there? She wasn't worried for my safety, or that of the 4 cats I had at the time. I told her I really wanted to hang up and call the police. I didn't know if my place had been vandalized, if my cats were okay...I was pretty anxious. She kept trying to keep me on the phone so she could ruminate who would break in my house, it must be an enemy of hers. Then she plunged into how she went to the doctor and was diagnosed with a urinary tract infection and wanted to delve into that topic. I finally got the gumption to tell her I was hanging up so I could call the police.

She kept ringing in while I was calling the police, and while they were on site, and texting demanding to know all the details of what was going on, just as your mom did during the fire. And expressing outrage that I was not immediately picking up or texting back.

For years afterward, she would always bring up how I hung up on her when she was gravely ill with a UTI. How dare Freedom77 do such an uncaring, ungrateful thing?! No mention of the fact I was sitting in my car in my driveway with a burglarized home, not knowing if my pets were alive, dead, tortured, if the perp was still in there, if all my stuff was gone...if the place was destroyed...no none of that trumps her UTI or need to keep me on the line as a method of control.

That's what it is for them, a means to control us. To validate that they are the important ones. We are nothing but an extension of them, not unique and separate individuals.

Turns out all my good stuff was stolen, some food and drink was consumed, but no damages other than the door, and most importantly the cats were okay, two hid in my dresser drawers, one behind the couch and the other apparently ran out the broken back door, but returned later that night.

Mother was in such a state over my noncompliance that she took herself to the ER because of the UTI via taxi (she had a car then), and then had the ER nurse call me at 900pm to come get her (she lived 30 miles away each way) never mind I had to work in the morning and I'd been robbed.

Like I said, if it isn't about them, they'll make it about them.

[Adrianna]

Freedom I'm reading that just in awe at the absolute selfishness of your mother. Truly beyond words.

You are right that we are seen as an extension of themselves, not as individual people. Thats why they literally do not see or care about what we go through. We're not supposed to have feelings or needs of our own.