Its like a game of chess

[p123]

This weekend he opened with the "OH DID I GET THAT WRONG" move when he tried to imply that I'd said I was visiting. Countered with "DIRECT NO" - no Dad move.

Saturday then there was the "5 OCLOCK PHONE CALL" move. Its the time he realises his plans for the day haven't worked so he needs to work on next day.  I usually counter with the "NOT ANSWERING THE PHONE" move. He then counters with "NO MESSAGES LEFT, I'LL JUST CALL EVERY 5 MINUTES" and the "IF I KEEP CALLING IT LOOKS URGENT". I try not to fall for it.

When I  do phone him, this involves a further "EXPLAIN YOURSELF" move which means asking what exactly I've been doing to be so busy - got to think quick and counter with the "NO INFORMATION FROM ME" move.

Occasionally, he will try the "I DON'T FEEL WELL" or "I'VE HAD TO CALL THE DOCTOR". Easy one this - I for the "OH RIGHT CHANGE THE SUBJECT" move.
His all time favourite is the "NO FOOD IN THE HOUSE" move. Generally countered these days with the "HOME DELIVERY" or "FILL YOUR FREEZER NEXT TIME" move but it still one of his favourites.

One of his other favourites is the "MAKE AN EFFORT JUST FOR ME" play. Never works this one. I just go "DON'T CARE" move.

To be fair I've got a few in my playbook too. Theres the "I'M ON CALL SO I CAN'T COME" move. Difficult to counter this one. I've tried the "TAKING THE KIDS OUT" but he just counters with "YOU NEED TO PUT ME FIRST".

Of course, if it all kicks off and I call him out for any of this I get that old chestnut "I WAS WORRIED ABOUT YOU" move or the "I'M STRUGGLING GETTING OLD".

I'm getting to the stage now where I invoke the best play in the book "IM PAST CARING NOW"

[Penny Lane]

Interesting metaphor! So to extend it ... what would you see as "checkmating" him? That might give you some insight into where to go from here.

[Pepin]

To be fair I've got a few in my playbook too. Theres the "I'M ON CALL SO I CAN'T COME" move. Difficult to counter this one. I've tried the "TAKING THE KIDS OUT" but he just counters with "YOU NEED TO PUT ME FIRST".

Wow.  Just wow.  He is playing a tough game.  But you are returning with equally tough and valid plays of your own. 

"YOU NEED TO PUT ME FIRST."  I'd counter this with: "YOU NEED TO PUT YOURSELF FIRST." 

As far as him saying "I'M STRUGGLING GETTING OLD." I'd counter with something similar: "I'M STRUGGLING WITH YOU GETTING OLD, TOO."

"I WAS WORRIED ABOUT YOU."  Counter with: "I AM LIVING MY LIFE, DAD.  IF YOU DON'T HEAR FROM ME, EVERYTHING IS GOOD."

Just reading these is making my BP creep up.  I think you are doing a great job at deflecting him though.  Eventually he will run out of things to say...I think...I hope.



 

[p123]

Interesting metaphor! So to extend it ... what would you see as "checkmating" him? That might give you some insight into where to go from here.

Ha ha haven't worked that one out yet!

[p123]

To be fair I've got a few in my playbook too. Theres the "I'M ON CALL SO I CAN'T COME" move. Difficult to counter this one. I've tried the "TAKING THE KIDS OUT" but he just counters with "YOU NEED TO PUT ME FIRST".

Wow.  Just wow.  He is playing a tough game.  But you are returning with equally tough and valid plays of your own. 

"YOU NEED TO PUT ME FIRST."  I'd counter this with: "YOU NEED TO PUT YOURSELF FIRST." 

As far as him saying "I'M STRUGGLING GETTING OLD." I'd counter with something similar: "I'M STRUGGLING WITH YOU GETTING OLD, TOO."

"I WAS WORRIED ABOUT YOU."  Counter with: "I AM LIVING MY LIFE, DAD.  IF YOU DON'T HEAR FROM ME, EVERYTHING IS GOOD."

Just reading these is making my BP creep up.  I think you are doing a great job at deflecting him though.  Eventually he will run out of things to say...I think...I hope.

Oh its so hard.....

The "worried about you" drives me up the wall. I visited yesterday and told him I'd be there late afternoon. So I get there and hes "OMG I've been so worried about you, I didn't know where you were".

What? I didn't give you the time. And what exactly is going to happen to me?

[Whiteheron]

Ooh. stbx used to play the worry card constantly in an attempt to get me to change my behavior so he control me even more. I wish I had been able to see this behavior for what it was back then.

I love your counters to his moves!

[p123]

Ooh. stbx used to play the worry card constantly in an attempt to get me to change my behavior so he control me even more. I wish I had been able to see this behavior for what it was back then.

I love your counters to his moves!

Yeh. This seems to be one of his best moves. He likes to know EVERYTHING that I'm doing so he can keep on top of things.....
I drive 20 miles on a sunny sunday afternoon and hes worried somethign has happened to me. I'm 51 years old, I've spent years travelling all over europe with work.
Of course, it gives him an out because its a case of "but I was only thinking of YOU!"

To be honest, its like playing a Grand Master at times.

[P&K]

Interesting metaphor! So to extend it ... what would you see as "checkmating" him? That might give you some insight into where to go from here.

Oh I like this idea! My only checkmate move was to not play and let their lies hang them all on their own.  Different circumstance of course, but a brilliant idea to explore imo.

P123- you are doing great! I’ve been following your posts and feel for you! Hang in there, you’re doing what you need to do and your efforts really show you are a good person

[p123]

Interesting metaphor! So to extend it ... what would you see as "checkmating" him? That might give you some insight into where to go from here.

Oh I like this idea! My only checkmate move was to not play and let their lies hang them all on their own.  Different circumstance of course, but a brilliant idea to explore imo.

P123- you are doing great! I've been following your posts and feel for you! Hang in there, you're doing what you need to do and your efforts really show you are a good person

Thanks so much..... :-)

Last night, had the "Im so depressed, can you come around?"  MOVE countered with the "Picking up my daughter" MOVE.

Then hes trying the GUILT move and he SARCASM move - "Well keep in touch wont you? Im going home not for a 6 months trip around the world.

[p123]

This weekend a couple of moves. One from FM brother and one from Dad.

They combined to pull the "you don't help enough" move. I countered that with "sorry I do all I can but I've got other responsibilities".
Dad then countered with the a bold move "Well, if no-one will look after me I'll have to go into a home".

Failed badly because I had the "theres nothing actually wrong with you truth" CHECKMATE for now.

Fully expect another attack any time soon as my adversary has onto the idea that SOMEONE has to look after him and hes not able to look after himself or make any effort at all.

[Jsinjin]

I hate this game.    And it happens all the time.   I never imagined marriage having to be so filled with ways to play games of competitive right, wrong and probing and feinting.     My uOCPDw's games are always areas where she has already noticed something out of place or changed and assumed that there is a vast conspiracy in place to ruin the world.

Her opening move which it typically when I am working on something like work or reading or even fixing something around the house is:  Pawn-"so you've decided to store the laundry detergent in a different place"

Me, pawn, not realizing I'm playing-"No, I don't care where the laundry detergent is stored"

Her, moving the rook out-" so you didn't put the laundry detergent on the floor?"

Me-shocked and moving another pawn-" I could have, I guess.  I don't know"

Her-sensing blood and my lack of perparation-" well I already asked the kids and I didn't move it down to the floor so it has to be you or did someone come in that we didn't know about and move it"

Me-now wishing I wasnt playing "I'm not sure, I don't think I moved it but I could have"

Her-wanting to draw the game out so it's sporting for her-" oh, so you could have done somethibg like move the laundry detergent down to the floor but you don't remember moving something heavy and don't have a reason for it, that's kind of strange, are you feeling ok? "

Me, " maybe I wiped something up on the dryer and set it on the floor"

Her-" so did you to did you not?   We have to talk because if you want to store it on the floor it's really in the way and I don't think it's a good place for the laundry detergent"

Me " I don't really care where it is"

Her " can you come see it and tell me if that's really what you want because I want you to see how much it's in the way"

Me now getting angry " please stop, I don't know when or why I set it on the floor, I don't care if it's on the floor or a shelf or on top of the dryer, it doesn't matter, I think when it drips I wipe it up and set it on  the floor while I clean up"

Her, now becoming satisfied " why would you tell me you don't know if you really do remember wiping up something, do you just want to make some subtle statement about how you want the laundry room? "

It goes on  and on.    I'm absent minded and sometimes I put spatulas in the wrong drawer or small spoons with the soup spoons not paying attention.   In her brain it's a clear deep thought out conspiracy of mine and she is ready to take  me on and not let it drop.   I can't say it was a mistake, I can't say it isn't that important.   I have to play the long game and eventually give in begging for the inquiry to stop.

[Fortuna]

Saturday then there was the "5 OCLOCK PHONE CALL" move. Its the time he realises his plans for the day haven't worked so he needs to work on next day.  I usually counter with the "NOT ANSWERING THE PHONE" move. He then counters with "NO MESSAGES LEFT, I'LL JUST CALL EVERY 5 MINUTES" and the "IF I KEEP CALLING IT LOOKS URGENT". I try not to fall for it.

For the I"LL CALL EVERY FIVE MINUTES move can you try the LEAVE THE PHONE OFF THE HOOK move or SILENCE YOUR PHONE move (assuming you are not on call)? It might make the evening more enjoyable.

[p123]

Saturday then there was the "5 OCLOCK PHONE CALL" move. Its the time he realises his plans for the day haven't worked so he needs to work on next day.  I usually counter with the "NOT ANSWERING THE PHONE" move. He then counters with "NO MESSAGES LEFT, I'LL JUST CALL EVERY 5 MINUTES" and the "IF I KEEP CALLING IT LOOKS URGENT". I try not to fall for it.

Yes done that many times. He calls, deliberately does not leave a message (it looks more urgent then) and keeps calling.

For the I"LL CALL EVERY FIVE MINUTES move can you try the LEAVE THE PHONE OFF THE HOOK move or SILENCE YOUR PHONE move (assuming you are not on call)? It might make the evening more enjoyable.

[p123]

Ha ha  - heres a new move by Dad....
Despite him asking him every single week, I've been visiting once a fortnight. Hes noticed and doesn't like it. Been doing this for years pretty much.....

So this week, yes I'll be up the weekend. 8 times he mentioned things like:-

"oh so you'll have to get me extra groceries because you didn't visit last weekend"
"yes I haven't seen you for a while"
"Oh yes you were busy last weekend weren't you and didn't visit"

What? I've not visited on two consecutive weekends for probably 6 months.......
I'm wondering if hes attempting to make out that once a week is the "normal" thing but its ok if I'm busy (i.e. if I've got a really good excuse). Its a trick again isn't it?

(I remember once for some reason I really could not go the 2nd weekend, but I, stupidly said I'd come in the week - so 2.5 weeks. He actually said sarcastically "well keep in touch won't you?" as if I was emigrating not just delaying a visit by three days!)

[athene1399]

YOU NEED TO PUT ME FIRST"

My kids always come first. That is non-negotiable.

"Well, if no-one will look after me I'll have to go into a home".

if that's how you feel, I am fine with that decision. Here's some pamphlets.

I think you are getting a good handle on things, p123. It sounds like you usually have a response ready for whatever dad throws at you.

Too bad he still gives you crap about not visiting enough. That would make me want to visit less. I doubt it would help, but what if you "prepped him" before you leave: "dad, I have a lot going on so don't expect me to come back for two weeks. I may not always answer my phone if I have something going on..." And if you always get him his groceries: "let's stocked up on food because I won't be back for two weeks..."

[p123]

YOU NEED TO PUT ME FIRST"

My kids always come first. That is non-negotiable.

"Well, if no-one will look after me I'll have to go into a home".

if that's how you feel, I am fine with that decision. Here's some pamphlets.

I think you are getting a good handle on things, p123. It sounds like you usually have a response ready for whatever dad throws at you.

Too bad he still gives you crap about not visiting enough. That would make me want to visit less. I doubt it would help, but what if you "prepped him" before you leave: "dad, I have a lot going on so don't expect me to come back for two weeks. I may not always answer my phone if I have something going on..." And if you always get him his groceries: "let's stocked up on food because I won't be back for two weeks..."

Yeh it really wears me down to be honest.....

I do visit less. I used to pop in if I was in the area. I don't now - visit twice in a week or something and it'll set a precedent that I need to this all the time. Same, I never admit to being within 15 miles of his house - even if I'm busy doing something else he expects me to pop in as well.

Yeh the groceries is the thing. I get double what he asks for. He deliberately gets very little so he can use this as as "I've got no food!"

[GentleSoul]

Good description,  yes it is one long, boring, tedious game with them!   

Except I don't play anymore.    As I am Grey Rocking along, uPD hubby is getting more and more desperate for attention.  He tried extreme verbal nastiness, didnt work on me.  Then tried engineering an accident right in front of my eyes.  He threw himself as if falling to the ground. 

I was so proud of myself, I didn't react even one bit.  So he just got up!  I was laughing so hard inside.  I enjoy keeping a straight face.   Is an absolute hoot. 

[p123]

Good description,  yes it is one long, boring, tedious game with them!   

Except I don't play anymore.    As I am Grey Rocking along, uPD hubby is getting more and more desperate for attention.  He tried extreme verbal nastiness, didnt work on me.  Then tried engineering an accident right in front of my eyes.  He threw himself as if falling to the ground. 

I was so proud of myself, I didn't react even one bit.  So he just got up!  I was laughing so hard inside.  I enjoy keeping a straight face.   Is an absolute hoot.

Yes it is. Must be so hard with a partner being like this... Wow - I can't cope with Dad once or twice a week!

Know what you mean. Some things I just know are coming. I can see the "play" way ahead and I just laugh that hes even tried it.

[GentleSoul]

Know what you mean. Some things I just know are coming. I can see the "play" way ahead and I just laugh that hes even tried it.

This is exactly where I am at.  Took me a long time to get Out of the FOG but now I am out, I see it all play out. 

Also reminds me of a tennis match.  The hitting the ball back and forth.   Except in my home, I have put away my racquet and am busy doing things I like for me!   His antics have now progressed to being funny!     Although saying that they do bother me if I am in HALT (Hungry, Anger, Lonely, Tired) but my self care is very high so I am rarely in any of those states now.   

My husband has got "props" for his games/theatre performance.  His current favourite is a walker. 

All the best to you, glad we are all here supporting each other.