Why no one saw anything

[Maxtrem]

I write this post more to ventilate than anything else! Recently a member of my family adopted a small dog, it's a dog that belonged to a battered woman and she gave it away, since she came out of it, but she has to go to therapy for a long time. I think I'm the only one who really appreciates this dog. The dog comes from a violent environment, is very fearful, always sits in his basket, doesn't make noise to disturb, never barks, doesn't play either, interacts with no one and is afraid of being touched. On the other hand, when he is alone or thinks he is, he runs around the house, plays with his toys, in short he allows himself to be a dog only when he is alone. Everybody mentions that this is not a normal behaviour for a dog and yes it is obvious.

On the other hand, as a child and teenager I was the same. Always quiet, in my corner, I never dared to disturb and I loved being alone more than anything else to be able to be who I was without narcissistic judgment! One of my cousins who is younger than me is also the same. Why does everyone notice that it's weird for a dog not to behave like a dog, but that no one has noticed anything with the childrens in the family! It's obvious that me and my cousin didn't behave like children or teenagers, that we were strangely too mature for our ages and that we were unhappy.

In retrospect, I don't understand why no one could see anything. When I was 15 years old I mentioned that my cousin was not happy and that something was wrong, but everyone was minimizing... If I was witnessing this today I would complain to social services and the police at least someone would have known about it.     

[Hepatica]

Maxtrem!

This hits me to the core. I was exactly the same way. My sister used to call me the "singing frog" like in the Bugs Bunny episodes where the frog would only sing when the curtain was drawn.

The funny/sad thing is, is I feel so so so so sad for that little doggie you write about, to the point I have tears right now thinking of it. And it is only now, in my later years that I give myself the ounce of sadness that doesn't even cover the ocean of tears i feel for that young girl I was. Nobody noticed how sad I was, how quiet, how reserved, how scared, how tense, how disillusioned and hopeless I became. Instead they labeled me unstable, fragile, weak and they used that against me to make themselves feel better.

Well.... I feel for that boy you were!!! I feel for all of us who lived in such tension that we could not unfold into who we really are. Big 

It's not too late to unfold and be the people we are... Is it?

I'm going to try.

[Adria]

I was the same way.  I think people must have noticed. You can see my sorrowful face in every photo when I was younger.  I think nobody wanted to get involved.  However, school teachers would snarl at me and tell me to smile. But, I was always sad and on my own living with a pack of wolves trying to devour my very existence labeling me stupid, crazy, too sensitive, etc. This year, dh and I are making some big life changes, and it seems to be coming at me again in tidal waves. I'm 59, and for some reason, it's all hitting me lately like it happened yesterday. Not sure why, but I don't like the ruminating.  It's funny how you can have a handle on it all for a very long time and then wham it hits out of nowhere.

[Hepatica]

Adria,

I know what you mean and I think that is how grief is, like waves. Give yourself the space to feel it while you practice some tender loving care for yourself. We are opening up parts of ourselves to finally feel the grief and it can feel overwhelming... but I believe so strongly that we can manage it when we treat ourselves with care and understand that it does not last. Grief surfing. haha! We have to learn to ride it. In the fall I was in such a huge wave of fear and grief that I thought I was going under a few times and then one day in December all of the emotion settled and went away. I am sure it will hit me again as that seems to be the nature of this process, but hopefully less and less over time, as we give those held in feelings the space they needs and then let them go.

[Lisa]

I also have been struggling with the thought that no-one noticed, no-one tried to help.  My Dad allowed my Mom to have full custody of me, friend's parents must have been oblivious, looking back on my report cards I was often not at school, not completing my homework and labelled as a "day dreamer".  I am so sad for the child me that feels like no one cared about her enough to notice or enough to do something.  My adult self is angry that the adults were so oblivious to what was going on.

[JustKat]

This one will always eat at me. I know my siblings didn't see anything because all abuse took place in private while they were outside playing or otherwise out of earshot. They never saw it, and I never told them, probably because I was afraid to.

I do believe that my grandmother and one aunt sensed that I was unhappy and that something was "off," but I think they stayed out of it because they feared my Nmother's wrath. I really struggle to understand why I didn't confide in these relatives. I know they would have listened to me. Maybe I was too afraid of rocking the boat. I just don't know.

I did tell my high school guidance counselor who didn't believe me, thought I was a troubled kid, and called my Nmother. That one didn't end well. This was the late 70s and NPD was not yet a recognized disorder. Today it would be different. Those of us who are older had a difficult time, with no place to turn to for help and no Internet to search for information.

I'll spend the rest of my life wondering what others saw or didn't see. My Grandmother has since passed away and my Aunt is quite elderly so I'm not going to contact her at this point and ask her. I do think that if this had happened to me today, someone at school would have noticed, taken me aside, and spoken to me with confidentiality. But back when things were at their worse for me, anyone who may have suspected something kept their mouth shut, and I'll never be able to come to terms with that. Why would someone sense something was wrong and not ask the child? Just why?

[Adria]

Hepatica,

Thank you for your kind words. Very soothing.  I'm sorry you have just gone through it again also.  I like your term, Grief Surfing.  I'll keep that one in my memory so next time all this gets drudged up, I'll know that it is just a little more Grief Surfing.  I think being able to label some of this stuff takes the haunt out of it and can help us cope and move on.

[Fortuna]

I remember a teacher noticed with me, she said I was so quiet it was almost like I wasn't there. But the truly sad thing was that she meant it as a compliment of my classroom behavior and never thought to dig deeper. AS children we have social expectations that don't match our normal 'children' behavior so when people see us like that, most won't ever consider anything beyond what a quiet, well behaved child we are.

[Wolf]

I really relate to this. Probably explains why I like getting drunk so much. It's a way (albeit unhealthy) to let go of all the overthinking negativity in my head that resulted from a traumatic childhood and have fun and be myself around anyone. I definitely don't recommend this as a coping mechanism due to the extreme negative potential, but it does work in moderation.

[daughter]

Only in my 60s, only after nmom had estranged herself from her only enmeshed SG sibling's family, only after my own NC decision, did my maternal uncle, married to my SG aunt, disclose to me my nmom's history of overt abuse and bad behavior episodes towards my aunt and him, extending from 60+ years earlier.

Nmom's realized malice, and obvious disdain, towards her older sister, was also very similar to her bad behavior actions towards me, her SG older daughter. Her behavior towards my aunt clearly indicated significant bpd  and npd traits, and obvious emotional problems, from her childhood onward.  Yet no one intervened in constructive manner, whether to aid my SG aunt, or me, the abused child, the new SG.

So, "big secret", never spoken about, never productively addressed during those 6 decades.

Same estranged uncle said he never noticed my npd-enmeshed parents' abusive behavior towards me, even while he complained about many many specific episodes of disdainful behavior and overreaching demands and plain rudeness by my parents towards my aunt and him.

I think people are often "blind" to what's occurring within their relative presence, within their social-circle view, so long as it doesn't directly affect them. And so they don't intervene, don't recognize the covert abuse signs otherwise recognizable to an observant person.  And so the abuser is empowered by the silence, the tacit acceptance of dysfunctional child-rearing so long as there's no obvious physical injuries.

[WinterStar]

On the other hand, as a child and teenager I was the same. Always quiet, in my corner, I never dared to disturb

Like what Fortuna said, I find that having this as my reaction to the trauma has been used as proof that I wasn't abused or an excuse to continue abuse. Like, "WinterStar has always been so mature for her age, her parents must have been doing something right." Or, my Mom's confusion when I object to her parentifying me now with, "You never objected before. It never seemed to bother you. You look like you're doing fine on the outside, so that must be the truth, and I don't get why you don't want to help me with all of my problems. I'll help you with your problems too. Except your problems will remind me of my problems, and then I'll need to talk about all of my problems, which are worse than your problems. I've had such a rough life! Please agree with me that my life has been very, very hard and offer me a lot of sympathy."