Withholding love to punish

[Between2rocks]

Hello everyone - long time no speak. I've spent a lot of time here over the past 6 years or so mostly to deal with my in-laws, though today I'm here regarding my mother.

Due to various clashes and incompatible personalities, my family and my husband's family hate each other. We have a boundary where we don't talk about one family to the other. My mom has always expressed extreme jealousy when we spend time with the in laws, starting from when H and I were just dating.

I've been weighing my options this week about whether or not to tell M about FIL and MIL visiting this weekend. Do I lie (wrong) or do I tell her the truth knowing it'll upset her (also seems wrong at first)? I talked to my therapist about it, my sponsor as well (2+ years sober), meditated and prayed about it (Buddhist) and decided to tell the truth.

Yesterday during one of my 4x/week phone calls with them, the subject of weekend plans didn't come up with my parents, but I told my brother because he wanted to stay at our house which wasn't possible. M texted me later confirming that they're coming, gave short answers and then when I told her I loved her, she gave me a  emoji.

Its exactly what I thought was going to happen - she's withholding love to punish me for spending time with my in laws. It's frustrating beyond belief. I came back to Out of the FOG last night to remind myself of all the skills I learned before and have thought about it all day, meditated some more, but still absolutely dreading the phone call today. I want to offer her understanding and patience because I know she is sick. But I don't know if I should tell her how much she hurts me when she does this.

Any advice appreciated.

[moglow]

That such a seemingly uneventful event creates such angst says a lot, don't you think. Here's one for ya, what if you decided that you aren't in fact, responsible for her feelings? What if in response to a normal "what are your plans for the weekend," you simply answered. That way you've neither lied nor withheld anything and can continue with your day. If she is upset by your answer, guess what? She also can choose to continue in with her day. Her stuff is not yours to manage. It is, after all, entirely her choice what she does with that information. Maybe even gently remind her, if we're unduly concerned with the possible answers regarding others lives, perhaps don't ask the question.

You can choose to not tippy toe around her. It ain't always easy and it takes practice but it's worth it. I'm not saying trample all over her but practice being less guarded and on edge. If you have to be that to be with her, who is the relationship serving?

And... Is that really her withholding love or someone just being petty? Petty isn't loving.

[Between2rocks]

You can choose to not tippy toe around her. It ain't always easy and it takes practice but it's worth it. I'm not saying trample all over her but practice being less guarded and on edge. If you have to be that to be with her, who is the relationship serving?

Thanks so much for your advice - it definitely will take practice, that's for sure. After 28 years of feeling responsible for my mom's emotions I want to find some freedom. It really helps to hear it put so plainly. Thank you!!

[NarcKiddo]

I don't know your history and the situation with either family beyond what you have said on this thread.

I'm assuming your mother has some sort of PD given the forum area we are in.

From my experience with my own (uNPD or maybe uBPD) mother I would absolutely never tell her anything she does is hurtful to me. I give her as little information as is humanly possible about me. Whether she does something or like or something I hate. I remain neutral. Being understanding and patient is considerate of you and if you feel right doing that then you should. But that does not have to mean allowing yourself to be hurt in the process.

I also have to say that in my own situation, if my mother were to withhold what she thinks is love I would probably be delighted. For what she deems "love" is engulfing control, flattery and fake niceness to get me to comply with some desire of hers. Your situation may differ. But when I saw my mother's love for what it actually is, my life became much easier (bar the pain of having to accept the situation for what it is).

You are not responsible for your mother's emotions. If she chooses to resent your inlaws visiting that's down to her. No reason why that should stop you seeing them. And, what's more, since you know the families hate one another you are doing all parties a favour by warning them of the whereabouts of the others, so their paths need not accidentally cross.

Hugs to you.

I hope you enjoy the visit.