Probable BPD husband

[Littleblondie1983]

Hi there, I’m not sure whether to stay with my husband or not. We have only been married for 2 years, together for 4 before that. It’s a long story but basically I believe he has BPD. He is lovely, kind, gentle 95% of the time. Then something can set him off. It could be something I said or something unrelated to me. Aboit 6 weeks ago he lost his job and we also had our 5th miscarriage. I said something that upset him and he shouted ‘f*ck you’ at me, punched a nearly box, slammed the door several times, left, then texted me to end our marriage. 

Things became better but then I told him I wasn’t sure if I wanted to be with him anymore. He was understand at first but a few dats later he went downhill again. He sent me suicidal messages. He said ‘f*ck you and the crisis team’ via text to me when I offered him psychological help. This is the second time he has sworn at me. The messages after that were saying that I deserved more abs he wants me to be happy so I should let him go. He calmed down the next day and did speak to the crisis team. He was very calm and amenable. been very amenable. I feel awful for him because he was sexually and physically abused as a child. Also he has, no job, lots of debt. Since then he has been lovely to me. Telling me he loves me every day, cooking for me etc... (this is what he is usually like). I don’t know what to think tho, I am now aware I am being emotionally abused. My hubby is quite self aware and admitted the suicidal threats are like emotional blackmail. He seems genuinely really sorry and was in tears. I don’t none what to do. I have started counselling for myself dvd I’m writing down what he is doing. I have also recorded some of his rages so I don’t forget how bad they get. I didn’t like the violence at all. He has never hit me but one time he did nearly hit me. He does road rage quite bad too (even with me in the car) but he has been much better lately with that. I’ve gone back on the pill coz I don’t intent to have kids with him anytime soon, or at all.

[stardawn192]

Welcome, Littleblondie.

I'm sorry you're going through this. It can be really scary to start realizing what is going on and to feel stuck. If you haven't already, check out the toolbox at the top of the forum for even more in-depth stuff about BPD and other PDs. I am not a professional, so everything that I am about to say is from personal research as someone that is a survivor of being with an individual with BPD. Although there is no real "cure" for BPD, if your husband is willing to make the marriage work and wants you to feel safe and happy, getting him to a licensed professional would be ideal. The best known form of therapy for someone with BPD is Dialectical Behavior Therapy (DBT). It's a therapy that teaches you skills on how to manage your emotions with techniques behind mindfulness, distress tolerance, emotion regulation, and interpersonal effectiveness. This, along with possibly medication, can help reduce some of the traits of BPD.

BUT, to make this work, the individual WITH BPD has to want to change.

I recommend reading "I Hate You, Don't Leave Me" by Jerold J. Kreisman. A lot of great information on BPD, how to handle someone with BPD, and how they might get treatment. Good luck and I hope whatever choice you make, that you'll be safe, loved, and happy in the end.

[findjoy81]

This is a tough situation, and I'm sorry you're in it. 
I had some of those same issues (texting to end marriage, refusing help, cursing at me) along with many others.

First, make sure you're safe.  And definitely do what you can to not have kids yet, until there is sustained change and you feel totally comfortable. I am in year 4 of divorce with my ex, and we are still in court over child support/custody/etc...  While I am not in your situation, and don't know your whole story; I know that I wish I had listened to my gut.  My gut told me to leave.  My dreams told me to leave.  A few friends told me to leave.  But my fear and my pride kept me there.  It wasn't worth it.  Being divorced is not the tragedy I had made it out to be in my head.  But dealing with court drama with my kids, and watching my kids be dragged through all of this IS even more of a tragedy than I had anticipated.

Also, don't allow his tragedies in his life to excuse his behaviors.  Abuse, debt, no job - these things are not carte blanche to mistreat you, his wife.  Also, don't allow those same things to make your decision for you.  Try to be as objective as possible.  Think about what you would tell a dear friend in this situation.  Or what you want for your future children (fingers crossed that is in your future - it sounds like what you want).  Would you want a daughter to stay in this situation? If you had a son, would you want him to treat his spouse like you are being treated?  They will learn what they see.

I am not about telling people to end their marriages.  I believe in marriage.  But I also believe marriage is only as healthy as the people in it.  I do not believe in abuse. 

Good luck. 

[1footouttadefog]

When he acts out, he  shows you and tells you who he really is , listen and believe, the rest is an act.

I am sorry you are experiencing this.  Bust take the lessons you are learning to heart.  Your instincts are right about your reality.

There is a list of 100 traits in the tool box of this website, they were very helpful for me in determining the level of abuse I was living with.

[MRound]

I just want to say that having been abused entitles him to pity and understanding, but not to abuse you.  I used to make this excuse for my H.  Then one day I realized that my mother had been much more severely abused than he ever was (at least as far as I know), and she was the most loving, kind, giving, no drama kind of person you would ever want to meet.  Yes, it may explain what he does, but it does not excuse it, and he doesn't want to change then it's not the abuse he suffered that is the problem.