When someone is kind and wants to help

Samuel S. · February 21, 2019, 01:51:30 PM

Having had to deal with a PDw for about 20 years, it has been difficult. It is difficult for all of us. I am the kind of guy throughout my entire life to be kind. I have taught and tutored.

Recently, an orthopedic doctor prescribed physical therapy for strengthening exercises. My PDw doesn't go along with it, because it isn't acupuncture. So, considering my PDw's treatment of me and considering my physical therapy appointment today, I felt rather emotional that the physical therapist gave me so much attention. Sure, it is her job, but she is sincere and patient. What made her that much more relatable is the fact that she has the same name as my daughter.

So, my question to all of you is the following: How do you feel when a nonPD does something that really is kind and wants to help?

Poison Ivy · February 21, 2019, 07:01:10 PM

I feel very grateful and sometimes I even feel like crying because I'm so overcome with gratitude but also kind of sad that I didn't and don't receive kindness from my ex-husband.

Samuel S. · February 21, 2019, 07:38:44 PM

PoisonIvy, I agree with you completely, and I feel overwhelmed with gratitude.

It is so ironic that our PDs can't give kindness. So, they attack us nonPDs who give kindness. It is almost like they can't accept kindness from anyone.

I am glad that your PD is an ex! I just wish I could do the same or have the nerve to do the same! She is so selfish and frowns on everyone!

Samuel S. · February 21, 2019, 10:45:41 PM

I was thinking about why I felt emotional when someone was helping me, and this is hard for me to admit. While I feel very grateful, I have been put down so much and not heard, I feel like I didn't deserve to be taken care of and heard. In other words, my PDw had indoctrinated me so very well, that it is challenging to accept kindness and care. Do you relate to this?

Associate of Daniel · February 22, 2019, 03:22:28 AM

I remember a few years ago (I think I wrote about it somewhere on these boards) seeing an osteopath for agonising back pain.

I had a similar response to yours, Samuel S. Although I was in so much pain, I didn't want the treatment to stop, as it had been many years since my uNPD exH had shown me any physical affection.

It wasn't a sexual thing. Just someone taking physical care of me. It was quite overwhelming

That was with a female osteopath.

I had a similar response sometime later to a male optometrist. On the one hand it was nice to be taken care of and be in close proximity to a man. On the other hand, it terrified me and I couldn't wait to get away and calm myself down.

Bizarre reactions to have, but understandable when we are victims of ongoing abuse from our pds.

AOD

1footouttadefog · February 22, 2019, 09:16:34 AM

I have said many times here that it is highly likely that most of the nons in this forum would get treated better by any random stranger at the grocery store than by the of in their life.

It just goes to show how abnormal the PD and the environment they create around them are.

We on the other hand as nons have a right to reject this environment and either change the Dynamics or leave.

stardawn192 · February 22, 2019, 10:22:40 AM

I get very uncomfortable, but also am very grateful. While I've been going through everything, my friend at work has been allowing me to call/text her and hang out with her whenever I need a distraction from calling/texting my ex. I feel like a burden, even after she has explained to me time and time again that THIS IS WHAT FRIENDS DO FOR ONE ANOTHER.

I'm used to being the one to help others, not the other way around. Researching has made me realize thats my codependency and that I need to be "selfish" and be ok with people being there for me.

JollyJazz · February 22, 2019, 05:27:53 PM

This is all ringing so many bells for me. I have felt almost uncomfortable and withdrawn when I am around kind, nice people that want to help me. I feel almost overwhelmed by kindness and have found myself withdrawing, almost because I don't want to be rejected by someone so nice and have my deep seated sense of shame 'confirmed'.

I am so used to doing things for myself, I've lugged really large pieces of furniture on moves myself because I didn't want to bother people. I am now making efforts to reach out more, to sit with my discomfort about asking for help, reaching out... its a hard road towards self love, but I am also trying to keep telling myself, I deserve to be loved and to have good people around me. And you too!

ICantThinkOfAName · February 25, 2019, 01:18:03 PM

Quote from: JollyJazz on February 22, 2019, 05:27:53 PM
This is all ringing so many bells for me. I have felt almost uncomfortable and withdrawn when I am around kind, nice people that want to help me. I feel almost overwhelmed by kindness and have found myself withdrawing, almost because I don't want to be rejected by someone so nice and have my deep seated sense of shame 'confirmed'.

I am so used to doing things for myself, I've lugged really large pieces of furniture on moves myself because I didn't want to bother people. I am now making efforts to reach out more, to sit with my discomfort about asking for help, reaching out... its a hard road towards self love, but I am also trying to keep telling myself, I deserve to be loved and to have good people around me. And you too!

Holy Cow this totally rings true for me. I too have lugged around heavy furniture. When going to the store to get some shelves, I about sliced my hand open trying to get a heavy box into a cart. Did I ask for help? heck no. I just bought some bandages and pushed harder, got that box in the cart. Went home, drug the box to the basement and assembled the shelves, Cleaned up and re-organized everything in the basement. You guessed it, by myself.

I think part of the problem is that I have asked for help in the past, only to be turned down and raged at. And when I ask for help, it's not because I'm being lazy, it's because I really really need help. It's almost like "how dare you have needs!" It makes me embarrassed to have needs. It makes me feel like I can't count on anyone, so I don't even ask. Or worse, if I do get an offer for help, then it is rescinded at the last minute. It's almost better not to count on it.

JollyJazz · February 26, 2019, 02:36:31 PM

Hi ICantThinkOfAName,

I'm so sorry to hear that you have this as well. Its amazing how many of us here on the forum have similar struggles. I am still struggling with it myself. It has just reminded me to do another 'reach out' for something today. It will be via text - the lowest stress for me, but I'm making myself do it. I'm slowly getting better at it, but I really do have to push myself.

I'm sorry to hear about your hand. On a funny(ish) note, once I did one of my solo moves where I moved a double mattress and base UP a hill, I sort of cartwheeled it. Eek! Some of it I feel could have been downright dangerous. I've now resolved to use professional moving services!

I also identify with the feeling of being embarrassed to have needs. I feel like I just want to fade into the background and never 'impose on anyone'. I wonder if we got the message growing up that asking for help / our basic needs were an 'imposition'

hmmm...

Blackbird11 · February 27, 2019, 03:29:31 PM

I am very familiar with being overwhelmed by someone's kindness. In fact, I think that contributed to my realization that something was amiss in my relationship. I was working at one job and it was not great. Boss was very difficult and mean (and I do not say that about all of my bosses). I had also gotten married while new to that job. Wound up not getting renewed for another year at that job which was a blessing in disguise. Although I was really down on myself for it - and in addition to the boss the people that worked there were not very nice and I just started to think there was something wrong with me (which uPDh capitalized on and began to try and control me through this insecurity). Wouldn't you know I had a lot of free time - read self help books, meditated, and started to come to realizations. But then I started a new job that was awesome and one day my new boss did something really nice, and even invited me out for drinks with the team. I almost had to go into the bathroom to cry. And then began my path to questioning... But it still happens. In fact, even watching those videos people share showing simple acts of kindness will get me crying on and off for a day.

Mary · March 02, 2019, 09:50:13 PM

Yes to all of this. I also have found it so special to be on the receiving end of someone's forgiveness. I'm so used to getting berated for things.

I've had to really be careful when the kindness comes from the opposite sex because I find myself so quickly attaching to anything that breathes and smiles at me.

musttryharder · March 05, 2019, 04:51:17 PM

I feel a mixed bag of emotions. I saw my dentist recently and had a fun conversation (as much as is possible in that situation), and as I walked out I thought about how much I enjoyed it, but then I also thought about how I should be able to get that feeling at home. All the same, I surprised myself at this new me, the more outgoing and chatty person who I see in the mirror.