Square goes into the future

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So, the future has been cancelled.

There was a failure to launch. Have been trying to process things but head-in-the-sand is prevailing.

Several things I could probably share here but not sure yet. For now, I'be chosen to maintain status quo.

[Poison Ivy]

I'm hoping for you that the future is only temporarily cancelled and that failure to launch now is not permanent failure.

[BeautifulCrazy]

Sending love, Square.
Life can be tremendously complicated but you are a resourceful, clever and resilient brand of badass! I know you will skillfully handle whatever happens next with grace and an excellent sense of humor!

Your team is here to support when you are ready to share.

[wisingup]

Move at your own pace, Square.  From here, there's only support for you doing what feels right in the moment. 

[moglow]

Been following this and honestly as long as you have those baby steps forward into the future, I see no failure. Consider it a pause: There may be a pause to reflect or adjust, a pause to let the initial dust settle. But failure? Nope. Not going there, my friend.

We're here with you.

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Thank you all for your support. I really appreciate it.

DD wasn't able to stay at college. So the situation has changed. Not sure what's next.

[moglow]

Sometimes the kids need a pause too, for whatever reason - we all do. She's not the first and certainly won't be the last. I'm about convinced everything is a process and that's how we grow.

[Poison Ivy]

 

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Yeah, it's common. She has a lot of anxiety, so it was actually a marvel she chose to try to go away for college. Regrouping and trying to figure out what to do now. She'll need to do something as well, but I've elected to give her some time to regroup. Unfortunately, the idea of working also gives her a lot of anxiety. Trying to work through this with the long view in mind.

[Poison Ivy]

I wish the best for you and your daughter, Square. Both of my children have had mental-health struggles on and off, and it can be very difficult to, as you write, regroup and figure out what to do. It's great that your daughter has your support now and forever. You're a good parent.

[square]

Thanks. Hugs to you. 

[SeaBreeze]

Square - I'm sorry to hear your DD is struggling. Hey, she tried, which is still an accomplishment! I hope your DD is doing okay. And that you are as well. I know you must be feeling a variety of emotions, both yourself and on her behalf. Just be there for her, as you've always been.

"Failure to launch" happens. I failed to launch as a young adult. Oldest DS did, twice, but is doing very well for himself now. And... I didn't go into detail in my previous response, but after youngest DS's departure for college that triggered my eventual exit plan... he dropped out 2nd semester, citing mental health concerns, and returned home for several months. I gave him as safe a space to land as possible (given uNPDh's presence), offering moral support while respecting that he was an adult. I helped him navigate our health insurance plan for counseling, but he still had to schedule his own sessions and make the effort to go. He came to work for my employer that summer, but in order to save the funds to eventually move back out. I left 3 months later, as I had continued planning to leave the whole time, albeit with a pause and some re-strategizing. Youngest DS and I are now roommates (which some might still view as "failure to launch", but it's truly more of a living arrangement between us as 2 adults.)

Again, my advice is just continue being there for your DD. She may possibly be feeling disappointed or frustrated with herself right now; your patience, respect, and understanding will be much needed. But... please take care of yourself, too. Modeling that can also be very important to your DD right now. Both of you hang in there! *Hugs*

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Thanks for sharing your experience, SeaBreeze, that is really helpful.

Honestly, the prospect of DD and I being roommates is fairly likely. She doesn't want to live alone, and I'm disabled. We get along well, and "get" each others' ways. But I do fear if that will limit her choices and opportunities.

Seperately, I had looked for apartments and rooms in my area and there's... nothing. I could rent a whole house for more than my monthly income. And that's pretty much it. I live in an odd area, hardly any apartment complexes, everything was built between 1880 and 1920 and it's a mill town that's been dying since the 70s.

I live in the cheapest area in my state, so no obvious alternative communities to check.

My mom would welcome us to live with her, heck, she'd be ecstatic. She lives a plane ride away. It's not a long term possibility since her house is reverse mortgaged, and when she needs assisted living or dies, I've got no home.

This is probably what will end up happening. There are drawbacks, but that's life for ya. Losing health insurance for one. I also just plain crave being master of my own domain after so long repressing my interests and projects and having no control over my own home.

I'm not moving on this yet, but it's something I could put together pretty quickly. I could be gone in two days probably, though that would be quite a push for me. It does feel good to have that in my back pocket.

I really love my town and dislike the area my mom lives in. But maybe we could save, living rent free, and then maybe buy a modest house here again. Mortgage would be less than rent, though I know maintenance is a factor - but rent includes landlird profit so that would be cut out. The houses here are three bedrooms and maybe we could rent the third to a young person such as a friend to DD.

Anyway, musing out loud helps me think - always hard for me to balance how much to share here, sigh.

[bloomie]

Square - add me in as another one who only sees this as part of the journey! I like how you are looking at the options for you and DD. I love the idea of pivoting. Staying loose and flexible as you respond to the plan changing on you and DD and find a new path forward.

[thedoghousedweller]

Square, in going through this thread, there was so much I could relate to.  I have been dreading my DD's departure for college for a long time.  Now it is here.   While my DD is staying,  so it's a little different, the transition of our family has been difficult.

She was the one who would talk to me.  Now my uSPDw (schizoid) and I do our best to avoid each other in the same house. 

I have been seeking God's plan for me knowing that the current state is not sustainable.   May He reveal His plan for you to you in the near term.

DHD

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Still stuck. It's clear I do not have the income to live alone.

DD is neurodivergent and has various struggles. She is not sure what her future can be. The idea of working makes her very anxious, and she can't think of a career that she is both interested in and feels capable of qualifying for.

Right now we are thinking that when we visit my mom in a couple of months, she'll get a very part time job while she is there, just to get some experience. Not sure how that will go but she's been musing on it and mentally readying herself. 

She says she doesn't know how she'll live on her own. She previously thought she would end up roommates with a friend but now feels that is unlikely, and either way would be years away asher friends are away at college.

I've heard her express worry about this before but yeaterday actually said that she and I could live together. A bold thing for me to say.

I'm not sure if she caught the implication - that this would involve leaving Dad. Maybe she did, maybe she didn't. I do feel sure that at this point at least, she would like to live with me. I think she would live to get a place in the same town and live with me and see her Dad probably every night to watch tv with him, but have our own CLEAN place.

Anyway, I mentioned that us living together would require her to have a job as I did not have enough income by myself.

I don't know how these pueces can fit together. DD maybe should have at least some college. If I knew she could contribute income in two years, maybe I have enough savings to struggle through that long, but I'm not sure it would work out. DD is really worried she can't cut adulthood, and I understand what she is saying. She's happy left to her own devices but struggles to deal with certain things. I homeschooled her for half her life, maybe a mistake, but I'm positive it didn't cause the problem, I think it really would have been worse if I didn't.

I hate writing this out, having no control over whether I can delete it later. I really have never understood that about this site, that we who more than most people need to feel we can protect ourselves but also need to be able to share some thoughts, do not have the usual editing options given to us.

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I've mentioned this anger bubbling under the surface.

H has been trying to be a better person. His effort is obvious. It's not perfect but he really has made changes.

However, if anything, the changes have allowed me the space to feel that anger. To survive, I had to shove it down for years, but now it is bubbling up.

He sees it and does not understand it at all, and can't really cope with it.

I'm not really venting my anger, it's more that my MC is flagging.

For example. He asked me to help him with something. It's important and I can do it. But, when he asks me for things, all I can think of is years of him being degrading and belittling about any and all requests to him. I git to the point where the only things I was willing to ask him for were groceries and rides to the doctor. And it occurs to me now that even those were for DD, not me, I would have probably gone to absurd lengths to avoid asking him for groceries if it was just me.

So when he asked me for this thing, I hesitated before agreeing, and was reluctant rather than all soothing and NO PROBLEM as he expects (and is my natural way).

He got triggered and there was a discussion and I admitted that it made me feel like a fool to help him after years of what I just described.

Every time he was cornered, he reverted to "I just don't understand where all this anger is coming from."

I kept asking him if he was listening.

But there is no point. Just him asking that question is so dismissive and invalidating. I pointed that out. As if he could be reasoned with.

But I've tried to describe this peculiar aspect of him so many times. It's like he flickers between Jekyll and Hyde. There is a piece of him that sees. And a piece that really doesn't. Two entirely different people. I think if I videoed it, you could SEE the struggle on his face.

He can't cope. It's like he would absolutely break if he went too far. He can go a little ways but then he will short circuit.

It doesn't matter. I'm not really still trying to figure him out. Oh, fine, yes but just as an intellectual curiosity. I don't have hope. Which he feels from me but confounds him because he really is trying. Absolutely. But it's too little too late. I know what he thinks, and it's not enough anymore for him to just bite his tongue.

I can't tell you how much I ache to have someone who just fundamentally likes me okay just the way I am, not everything about me of course but just for the most part. Somebody who is sort of happy to see me, would like to do sonething with me, who enjoys something (anything), who for the most part trusts me.

Somebody I could talk honestly to (of course I would expect myself to be adult and polite and respectful) without it being a field of landmines, without me having to be entirely responsible for babying him through his emotions.

Someone who could maybe reassure me sometimes.

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He keeps saying the stuff I mention is in the past and he can't fix it.

Would be nice if he just sort of TRIED to fix it instead of just feeling like it's somehow not fair to him that his padt behavior had an actual effect of me.

He keeps asking what he can do to fix it. I'm proud of myself for not even thinking about this question. I just tell him I don't know, it's not my problem to fix.

My role is the problem solver. Normally I would take this stupid ficking question seriously and try to describe what would make me think he really cared. Lol.

And then feel stuck as he mimed the words and have to pretend they meant anything. And the problem would still be mine to solve, to give him the script, and then to do my own work to pretend to feel better about it, then convince him everything was fine.

He is baffled.

But I'm not going to solve this for him.

[moglow]

I suspect that anger is simmering because of decades of him doing little beyond making life miserable for others. No, none of us can change the past - what we can do is change our futures. Change the behaviors of a lifetime and rebuild better relationships going forward. Sounds like he's having a hard time grasping that sometimes it really does go too far and there's no turning back. He may be just now seeing that you're not the person he thought you were and that he DID go too far.

The he "doesn't know where all this anger is coming from"? I've heard that exact comment from my mother, one of the angriest and most volatile people I know. Hello pot, meet kettle!! Is it really any wonder it spilled over and is poisoning everything around him? What did he honestly expect was going to happen here?

All I know to tell you is keep working on it. Get it out when and as you can, without burning anyone else down in the process. Don't let it eat you alive.

[square]

Thank you, moglow.

I suspect that anger is simmering because of decades of him doing little beyond making life miserable for others. No, none of us can change the past - what we can do is change our futures. Change the behaviors of a lifetime and rebuild better relationships going forward. Sounds like he's having a hard time grasping that sometimes it really does go too far and there's no turning back.

I have recently told him it was just too late.

In a perfect world, he could maybe come back from this but he couldn't in this world. The issue is that he thinks these things. It's not enough to simply refrain from saying them. Maybe before this all went to hell I could have lived with it because I could have just assumed he didn't really think that way. But he does and I can't delude myself any longer. If he genuinely started to think differently I could work with that but I don't live in la la land.

He may be just now seeing that you're not the person he thought you were and that he DID go too far.

Maybe. I don't know who he thought I was. I mean, other than the trash he has told me over and over and over again.

The he "doesn't know where all this anger is coming from"? I've heard that exact comment from my mother, one of the angriest and most volatile people I know. Hello pot, meet kettle!!

I know it. I thought of this briefly during that conversation, but did not manage to keep it clearly while my fight or flight was happening. Here's another gem, while we were having a sort of emergency situation a dew months ago, he tried coping by casting blame around, rather than dealing with the thing that needed urgent dealing. I told him to stop. He said "you just can't deal with my emotions." Are you effing kidding me. So many things I wanted to say to that but I was an actual hero and told him we needed to put all that aside and help the person who was hurting right now (a third person). To his credit, he pulled it together.

But, see, that's still how he thinks, I'm far beyond giving him a cookie for being half an adult after I pointed out the situation called for it. And he genuinely thinks I'M the problem for not handling HIS emotions. I am apparently responsible for handling mine and his both! I have to handle the full extent of his ugliest poison. But I'm not allowed to simply hesitate, or not have a giant smile on my face. Or say "it makes me sad when ____."

Is it really any wonder it spilled over and is poisoning everything around him? What did he honestly expect was going to happen here?

Moglow, he doesn't get it. He knows he's screwed up some things but to him it's just equal "we've both hurt each other" stuff. And yes, I have blown it before as well, but it's not equal. It feels wrong to say that, surely every relationship is 50-50, BUT NO.

All I know to tell you is keep working on it. Get it out when and as you can, without burning anyone else down in the process. Don't let it eat you alive.

Thank you. I am indeed planning to allow this small offgassing to continue. Under control, of course. I have kept it polite and adult and there's been no yelling. To his credit, he has been able to match the tone and has not escalated, which is probably quite hard for him to do.

But one thing he is seeing is that escalating is going to hurt him. Now he is paying a small price. The ugly things he says, I am finally making him look at them. He wants to say "I didn't mean it, I was just mad" but I am not buying that crap anymore. He said it, it doesn't just go away in a lovely wisp of smoke when he calms down and doesn't want to destroy me anymore. His words are now putting him in a bind and he has nowhere to go with them.

For example, he had told me he wished he was married to this other woman he sees at church. Lady seems nice and sweet and her husband is the same. Nice sweet marriage, nice family. Holding hands and blah blah. Well, that is a hell of a thing to say to your wife. Your beautiful wife who has stuck withyou for so long and tried so hard to help you. It's actually full on breaking one of the basic ten commandments. It's a total betrayal and I can't just paper it over.

So now he has to deal with the consequences of saying such a horrible betrayal. And I'm beyond just him taking it back. He said it. He thought it. He believes it. He meant it. But the upshot is that his words are about the kind of husband he is, and he can't squirm out of it.

I also did point out that it's the husband he should be looking at. Could the wife be looking at him with such trust and kindness if the husband treated her like he treats me? He heard that, at least for a second. I was so sweet to him for so long, far too long, I'm a total fool. I would love to treat a man like that, and be able to look at him in the face and smile and trust he wouldn't just tear me down or even just yell at him for "giving him a look." I could hug him in appreciation for helping me out - if he didn't tell me what a selfish b I was. I could talk to him and share my hopes and fears, and lean into him and give and take comfort, if I wasn't regularly destroyed for trying.

He told me "most wives take care of themselves." Well, this is what that looks like. I take care of myself, so we're just roommates. And he has a nerve to ask for favors from me.


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