Surges of guilt and loss.

[IWasNeverReallyHere]

I think it's a combination of a strong feeling of guilt and an enormous sense of loss, I've been experiencing towards my mother, since going LC with her.

It's been eight months since I saw her. That's hard to believe, for me. Sometimes, she just pops into my head, as if I've almost forgotten about her or am on the way to forgetting about her. And then when that guilt and loss surfaces, it overwhelms me. Like, what am I thinking cutting contact with her?

Or perhaps it's more like arriving at a realization, that, gee wow I've really let the relationship go haven't I? She's not in my life anymore. I'm not in her life anymore. It shocks me at times. How much longer can I keep it up for? How much longer will I keep it up for? What is it like for her no longer having me in her life anymore? Has that been hard on her? What did she expect when she decided to sell her house, kick me out and move an hour away?

It's like arriving at a feeling of loss that is real. It hits you. This is happening. The loss is real. And the guilt that accompanies it. Do others think less of me for doing this? I bet they all didn't really believe this was my intention nor believe I had the temerity to last almost a year without seeing her. And it could be a lot longer. Until I feel it's necessary to see her or if something comes up. The guilt doesn't stay with me long unlike the loss does. I can let the guilt go, because I know I don't have anything to feel guilt over. Does she feel guilt? PD's don't think that way though do they? You feel guilt when you've done something wrong. I've made mistakes, but I haven't done anything wrong.

And I'm aware that I may never be the same after this experience. The hardest most difficult thing to grasp, is the actualization that the parent you love, who you thought you could trust with your life, who raised you, brought you into this world,  who you spent so much time with, is perhaps not the person you thought they were...

I became so emotional the other night, over the loss, writing out questions for her that I just can't ever ask or say to her. But it was clear by what I'd written that I missed her. That I missed my mother.

[Starboard Song]

It's like a slow-motion funeral sometimes.

We are 3 1/2 years NC from my in-laws. I last spoke to my FIL last January. My wife spoke briefly to both in the late summer of 2017. Prior to that, we hadn't spoken to them since the spring of 2016.

Yet the loss is still real. My wife has said that she misses having parents.

Like a real death, you are likely to always carry it with you. But like a real death, it recedes into the background and stops being a source of true discomfort. That's how it has been for us. I keep them alive too much, wanting to argue or seek justice or whatever, and that is my trauma -- and my fault.

But the loss has faded for us and for our DS15. I worry about him, still. It is sad to lose grandparents. But I was made by circumstances to do the hard, right thing not only for my wife and I but for all of us.

You are doing he hard, right thing, it sounds like. If you haven't, consider writing it all down, journalling a bit, so you have a reference to answer the questions when you wonder why you're here.

You're going to be ok.

[Bellie]

Hi Everchanging,
I am in exactly the same position, except its been a year and a half since I last saw my N-mum and we've only spoken a few times in that time. Each time I talk to her I end up feeling so frustrated and even worse for it. But I do miss not having a loving mother to talk to and count on. Especially over Christmas. That is a very, very, hard time. It is like a death except then I start to wonder how would I feel if she actually died, would I regret cutting her out of my life? We are in a no-win situation. We hurt when we are with these people and we hurt with guilt when we separate ourselves from them. My mantra to myself: I am doing the best I can right now. I am a good person and lovable and I am doing my best.
In answer to what she is feeling, if your mum is anything like mine, she believes that she is the victim and did nothing wrong. The only way to resolve anything is by saying sorry to her and going back to the way things were. And for me, and probably you too, that is not something that is bearable.
I wish I could give better advice, but sometimes knowing that others are out there going through the same thing helps.
By the way, it is not your mother that you miss but the thought of what a mother should be. The mother you wish you had.
Keep staying strong! Sending you hugs and lots of understanding.
Bellie

[damnfrank]

I've been NC with both parents for a little over 6 years. I recognise the feelings you speak about. I identified them as feelings of loss I was already experiencing and was finally allowed to admit to myself - I missed out on parents who saw me as a person with feelings and needs of my own, and who treated me well and taught others - and myself - to treat me well. When I let go of the outside pretence - visiting, calling on birthdays, etc. - I could acknowledge it to myself as well.

As you work through these difficult feelings, they do fade.  I still miss my mum, but she's the fantasy mum of my dreams that I only really had glimpses of. NC for me feels 'right' for me now, if that makes sense. I think less about the estrangement these days, and less about them as well - they used to just occupy a negative space in my head, and with therapy that's disappearing for me too.

Other people may judge you for your decision. People love a bit of judging! But they'd find something else to comment about if you weren't NC.  Only tell the people who need to know, or those you trust. Generally, people who can't deal with the idea are people who avoid any non-happy/easy conversations, or who are people who have doubled down in a similar situations. And it's usually the badasses or more measured people who speak their minds to support you, or be genuinely curious.

Though they have generally accepted my boundary, I know my parents want contact with me. I wondered why today, why do they want contact? I never felt celebrated or valued by them, what is it that they enjoy about me that they miss? The answer that I came up with was that they don't really miss me, they miss the hole I've left, and the disruption to their 'perfect' lives. In a way, I matter more now than I ever did when I was growing up and that just makes me so sad.

[artfox]

I'm LC with my unBPDm, and I feel a lot of the same things you do. I see her a few times a year (we live in the same city). I email with her fairly often, but I keep it light and superficial. There's a lot of guilt, and a lot of feeling of obligation--like I should be doing more to have a relationship with her, spending more time with her, etc.

The only measure any of us need to worry about, though, is whether it's making our lives better. Yes, there's grief and sadness. But if you feel better when those feelings aren't in the forefront, you've made the right choice.

[Groundhog Day]

I understand your feelings. It's been a year and a half since NC and still I wonder if she thinks of me, cares about me or even ever loved me. I do know she has not changed one bit. She still has the same hatred for whoever disagrees with her. This anger she has inside her is always fueled and ready to burst at any moment. Anyone who dares to disagree will have to hear her side of her twisted story where she is always the victim and she has done or said nothing to deserve that.

Our stories are so famiiar from one another. I sometimes wonder if BPD would all be friends together and cohorsed each other to negativity and hatred or they would just destroy one another.

I did receive a surprise visit from her at my doorstep last October. And you would think that she would try to reconsile, try to pretend at least, show remorse, interest in me, my siblings, my children, great grand children. Nothing. There is a blank of feelings, it's all about her. Her main goal is to buldoze her way back and use anyone who is guilible enough to beleive her lies and manipulate them like puppets. Once I confronted her with her BS, she had a vicious smirk on her face and changed the subject as if nothing was said. I beat the actress to her own game.

The ups and downs that we are experiencing are due to love and care that we have in our heart. Of course we still love them, care for them. But it is done without contact for our own good. We deserve a healthy life, positive environment, supportive people, loving parents.

I agree with Starboard, it is a slow motion funeral. One day, we might be able to burry it but it will never be forgotten.

Love...Groundhog xox

[Gravesso]

These feeling are perfectly understandable. Any loss of contact with a parent is devastating. Even if you never met the parent. That's just one of those primal things within us. All you can do is learn to accept it and cope with it.

[treesgrowslowly]

Hi Everchanging,

I've been NC for 10 years now. The first year I had those surges of grief and loss. I had a counselor ask me at one point - are you grieving the loss of your mother or the loss of your childhood? That helped me to start to see that the answer was, both.

Most people in my life didn't understand the process I was going through after NC. Instead of trying to get them to understand, I wish I had spent more time helping myself and nourishing myself. The more I focus on accepting my needs these days, the easier and easier it has gotten.

I wish you all  the best as this is a process no one would ever choose for themselves, and it does get easier over time, to understand the experience and feel more 'ok' more often.

[IWasNeverReallyHere]

Thank you to all who have posted a reply, I appreciate each one of them.

Yes, I do still want to argue, seek justice, blame in the hope she will feel guilt, but it can't change anything nor will it help me in the process. What's done is done. This kind of damage cannot readily be repaired.

What may be different for me than it's been for many of you all is that she was always a good mother throughout the majority of my life. You couldn't have asked for anything more from a mother. Up until two years ago, then everything changed. She became a different person, behavior that left me stunned so many times. I'd never really been afraid of her, but that changed very fast. Being a mature intelligent adult, you wouldn't think that you could become prone to developing a fear of a parent at a certain age and emotional level, but how much of a misconception that can be. Hiding in my car from her, hiding in my neighbours yard from her. Fearful of having anyone over to the house not knowing what she may do.

During all this time I was battling an illness and could barely leave the property, so escape was almost impossible. But this personality, it was dominant, powerful, controlling. Made worse by another family member drawn into her cause, it was two dominant personalities, bullies up against me. I could only get out of the way.

It sure is a no win situation. It would be painful seeing her and it's painful losing the relationship. I've lost other relationships as a result. I barely speak to the other member and his family. It's hanging by a thread. I've gone from looking after my niece and nephew each week to seeing them one time in the last eight months.

I am doing my best and things have changed for me for the better. Strangely enough I've gained/repaired two relationships in that time. With my father and a close friend. But I believe the most important relationship you can ever have is the one with your self. I did a lot of that through journaling as it really is a relationship with your own mind. It is the only relationship that will teach you to be kind to yourself, care for yourself, work on yourself and love yourself. To know and embrace who you are, your worth, what makes you tick and just how strong and resilient you can be.

I wonder how my mother feels, but on the other hand I'm really not interested in how she feels, nor do I care. As for making the right choice with LC, I guess it's still hard for me to get a gauge on that. I knew I had to get away from her, most importantly. She has no control over me now. I miss her but I needed a long time away from her. As I mentioned before, it was painful living with her those final 18 months and it would be painful seeing her. I know it would be. So, I do feel better for the NC. Unfortunately I can't say the same for the other member as it seems they are out to make my life difficult in whatever way they can. It breaks me apart not seeing my niece and nephews much anymore, they are a breath of fresh air.

[RavenLady]

Wow, everchanging, it would be very disturbing to watch a parent go through the kind of transformation you describe. Do you think it had something to do with you no longer providing her narcissistic supply? Do you think you were discarded in the way that narcs do?

I feel like I've seen both my PD parents shift at different times, but not to the extreme you describe. The thing, though, that has made it impossible for me to ignore their selfishness was the discard I felt when I went from being "successful" in a high-status career to being disabled. They simply could not deal with that. My mother has told me more than once that people in her family "don't get sick" and that she is overwhelmed by the hardship of facing my suffering. (From hundreds of miles away, over the phone, less than monthly...) She also told me that losing a child to disability is like losing one to death. In other words, I was as good as dead. Right when I needed her support more than ever. Thanks, Mom. This, sandwiched between protestations that obviously they love me because they say they do...It has been one horrible misfire after another and I ended up struggling with suicidality in part because of how profoundly the whole thing made me feel like a rejected failure. Talk about abandonment depression.

Anyway, I mention this because you said you were having health issues. Any chance this is what prompted the discard?