Something clicked yesterday.

Psuedonym · January 28, 2019, 11:17:27 AM

Recap for those of you who haven't seen my many other posts!: So I've been helping with the logistics of moving M back to independent living but still have not spoken with her since the beginning of December when she had a 3 week long tantrum after having to move over to respite care for a broken arm. It was the final straw on something that had been a long time coming. I wrote a long letter that was heavy on facts and light on emotion regarding her behavior, mostly in the past 18 months. My BF, who's been the one to stay in contact wit her, told her repeatedly that if she wanted to have any sort of relationship with me that she would have to take the letter to heart and change her behavior. Her reaction haas been to pretend she never saw it and go on rants about how she was 'the best mother in the world'.

Yesterday she first talked to him and wanted to relay the message "PLEASE have pseudonym call me!!'. When he saw her later that day she started up about how hard this NC was on her and how stressful, etc. etc. BF first said, 'I suggested you write a letter back' and when she replied that she wouldn't know what to say he said, "If I were you I would start by apologizing and saying that you were going to make an effort to change your behavior". At this point she said, "Well half of that letter isn't even true!" Abrupt stop. Case closed. No more talking about that. (every word of that letter was 100% true, by the way)

The whole thing really pointed out to me what an act this whole helpless victim persona is. She's devastated and doesn't know what to do, but when faced with the option of acknowledging her behavior or actually apologizing for it, well, that's just not going to happen. As a lot of you wise people have pointed out, it made very clear that what she's really upset about is that the behavior she got away with with my dad for 60+ years (constantly faking being sick, demanding non stop attention, complaining, throwing rage tantrums and then conveniently forgetting all about them) just isn't working anymore. She doesn't want to have a relationship with me, she wants somebody to step into this role. It highlighted for me that this NC is really her choice. She knows what to do if she wants to fix it, she just refuses to do it. That's helped me get over a lot of the FOGgy feeling I've been experiencing for the last six weeks. I'm seeing now why so many people say that NC is essential to see the situation clearly.

truthseeker4life · January 28, 2019, 11:40:24 AM

Pseudonym -

I totally get it. I have been ELC since 2016. The last real phone call my PD mom made to me was in Nov 2016.

She said she was "sorry" and I'm glad I had the guts to say "for what". She said she wanted everything to be the same and wanted to know what she needed to do to make it better. Obviously a load of crap because when I actually told her about the behaviors I wanted her to change or be accountable for she was so defensive it wasn't even a real conversation. Smoke and mirrors to get her way and be a victim.

She told me she didn't do anything and wouldn't change. One example - I told her to stop talking badly about me behind my back to my siblings and she said "fine - I will just stop talking about u at all!" (Which of course she never did.)

I can so identify with what you said about them just wanting you to step back in your role.

My mother was abusive toward my dad too (45 years of marriage until his death in 2015) and he totally just let her have her way because she was a pain in the butt otherwise!!!

Well I stood up to my mom (enough! I am in my 40s and am done pretending that your abuse is "fine") and have basically been ostrasized by my entire family thanks to good old mom. If you don't play by mom's rules you are out in this family.

I have finally decided that my self esteem and mental health is worth more than keeping quiet just so I can have a "relationship" with my mom.

Good for u!

Call Me Cordelia · January 28, 2019, 11:48:41 AM

I'm there with my in-laws, too. The problem is with them!

Good for you. You deserve every opportunity you're giving yourself to have PEACE.

Psuedonym · January 28, 2019, 02:47:41 PM

Thank you both for your support!

truthseeker4life, you are so right about it being about self-esteem. I think we both grew up with a horrible example: one parent behaving horribly and never apologizing and the other parent just taking it. It's no wonder we were brainwashed for many years into feeling we were trapped and the only way to try to survive was to placate them. It's such a liberating feeling to be able to say, 'no, I'm not going to call you unless you change drastically (which realistically has a snow ball's chance in hell) because I'm done being treated like that.' That's what people with good self esteem do. Go figure.

Juniperberry · January 28, 2019, 03:31:30 PM

Quote from: Psuedonym on January 28, 2019, 11:17:27 AM
The whole thing really pointed out to me what an act this whole helpless victim persona is. She's devastated and doesn't know what to do, but when faced with the option of acknowledging her behavior or actually apologizing for it, well, that's just not going to happen........ It highlighted for me that this NC is really her choice. She knows what to do if she wants to fix it, she just refuses to do it.

YES! I completely relate to this.

I'm not technically "no contact" in the purest sense of the word, because the last time my mom emailed me civilly (I ignore all her nasty emails.), I responded with a question to her as to if her understanding of the situation has changed. I got no reply and I offered nothing else, but I would do this again given the same parameters. Yet, she tells ME I'm cruel for keeping her away from my kids.

I guarantee you that in her head, our "separation" is completely my doing. And I am to the point where I am able to own my part in it and the decisions I'm making. But the "I am helpless here" thing is totally on her. She is not helpless. She is unwilling. Which is fair enough -- I'm unwilling, too. Unwilling to have a relationship on the terms she is offering.

Sending virtual hugs.

Psuedonym · January 28, 2019, 04:57:17 PM

Really well put, juniperberry. It's such a liberating yet strange feeling to realize you don't have to take that $#%@, that you're allowed to say 'no more' and the sky won't fall down on you.

to you!

biggerfish · January 28, 2019, 05:25:35 PM

"As a lot of you wise people have pointed out, it made very clear that what she's really upset about is that the behavior she got away with with my dad for 60+ years (constantly faking being sick, demanding non stop attention, complaining, throwing rage tantrums and then conveniently forgetting all about them) just isn't working anymore. She doesn't want to have a relationship with me, she wants somebody to step into this role. "

Yes yes yes! You and I have similar situations. I've been NC with my uPDm for four years, yet I am POA, Health Proxy, and I do all her paperwork. Whenever there's a necessity to make direct contact with her, my hubby does that. She spent 3 years hoovering, and then finally, last year, she gave up. Or maybe she wore out. She's ninety.

Nope. No need to feel foggy about it. Yours and mine have made their decisions. Your description really jumped out at me. Yup. They want things to stay the same.

Not happening. Good for you. You sound healthy and peaceful. Stick to what you know is healthy for you.

Hugs!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

RavenLady · January 28, 2019, 06:09:22 PM

Yay for those clicks! I hope your feeling of detachment keeps increasing so you have less pain in your life.

Psuedonym · January 29, 2019, 11:39:04 AM

Thank you, biggerfish and RavenLady! As you know, it's such a bizarre situation to be in that at times I imagine I must be the crazy one. Reading your stories that are so similar is very therapeutic. biggerfish, bless your husband and my BF! BF will say 'she's just an old lady, I ain't scared of her!' which I know is true but is easier to say than believe.

RavenLady · January 29, 2019, 08:57:55 PM

What is it with PD parents ignoring letters? In my case, it is so inconsistent with their entire self-construct of super-competence and invincibility and being the authority on right living and all that. Yet they are too afraid to respond substantively to their kid's heartfelt communications? It's so cowardly. It must be another way of spotting an emotional child.

Maybe your M read your letter and was like: oops, I got nothing to throw back at this. So I'll just pretend it doesn't exist.

Totally crazy making. It's another form of invalidation. My heart goes out to the little kids we once were, whose parents were so ill-equipped to answer our basic questions about what the hell was going on in the family. I'm proud of us we made it this far.

Psuedonym · January 30, 2019, 12:19:50 PM

RavenLady,

Haha, I think this about sums it up: Maybe your M read your letter and was like: oops, I got nothing to throw back at this. So I'll just pretend it doesn't exist.

I actually sort of double dog dared her in the letter. I quoted what her therapist told her in my presence, which was 'you're acting like your mother (whom she despised and is regarded as the uber villain in her version of reality) and 'you're acting like a toddler throwing a tantrum on the floor while your daughter does all the work'. (It was a beautiful moment, by the way. It makes me feel all warm and fuzzy to think of it). In the letter I said something like, 'I'm pretty sure you're reading this and thinking that none of that ever happened, so here's your therapist's number. Go ahead, call her...'

I'm betting that was not a call she made. Facts, shmacts.