The thought of separating makes me incredibly guilty

[Thomas5244]

Hi there,

It's been a while since I posted. The last time was over a year ago. The back story, to keep it brief, was:
Married 17 years, 3 Kids 6,11,17
Wife has BPD, OCD, Anxiety, Depression, Hypochondria (the works)
I was the traditional codependent husband, working every hour under the sun, providing was my purpose in life. Received mental abuse regularly, gaslighting, little genuine affection, compassion or care; as is the norm with a 4+ narcissistic partner.

Fast forward to 2 years ago and my brain imploded overnight, having been the stable rock for so many people for so long it just flipped upside down with no warning. I developed severe anxiety (first time ever) which led to severe depression and suicidal thoughts on a daily basis. I sought help before it became too late, both medication and therapy (my wife just told me "I was weak" and was the "shell of the person she new"). I learnt a huge amount in a short space of time, I learnt more about myself than I ever had and also came to recognise the codependent/narcissist relationship I was in. This progressed, I tried marriage counselling (which she cancelled after 4 sessions), I made moves to move away from my usual habits and behaviours and things simply got worse. In December of that year she was caught having an online affair, having exchanged significant amounts of dialogue and pictures with a stranger (claiming that she thought our relationship was over and therefore she just did it). There was some remorse (kind of) but that quickly turned in to the usual complete lack of responsibility for her actions, i.e. gaslighting with comments like "I didn't sleep with him so..". I actually felt she was more concerned that she would lose her lifestyle than me.

Amongst all of this has been the kids, the bit that has affected me massively. My eldest (F) has been in and out of counselling for about 4 years, suffering from various anxieties and depression. She has said this is because of her mum and I can see why, even stating now that she hates her. My middle one is starting to show similar signs, with my youngest almost sheltered by his older sisters. It is a tough burden to bear when your eldest child says to you " you need to leave", "she is never going to change", "she is making you miserable" and "you need to find someone else".

This year was the year for me. I decided to change jobs as a first step, then plan to exit the marriage as a second. My wife hasn't worked for nearly 11 years and therefore, to add to the stress, all financial responsibilities have been mine.  I've quickly come to realise that no amount of planning can help. Roughly 3 weeks ago, after another horrendous weekend, something flipped in my brain. I got the usual "you know what to do if you don't like it" thrown at me and my simple, non-emotive response was "yes I do". A one-sided row ensued, I make this point because I wasn't playing the game. I didn't react, I didn't argue, I simply tried to go to sleep. She eventually left to her mothers and frankly I felt liberated.  It was strange, everything became so logical;  there was no stress or anxiety at all. I then had to go away for 4 days for work, which was made more difficult by the fact that she initially refused to come home. Eventually she did as I reminded her that my job is the only income etc etc.
Flip now to the past week, having spent a week in the USA for work after this 4 day trip, she has been utterly different, she has been nice, she has been pulling out all of the stops and its freaking me out. This has never lasted beyond a few weeks in the past and already she has started playing victim (I know the drama triangle inside and out), certainly today and yesterday.

I know I need to leave, my mental health is waning, I have started considering suicide as a logical way out. I am still unsure how a single person can have such an immense impact on my moods and frame of mind.
I am now looking around the house thinking "I am about the destroy this", "is this my fault", "am I being selfish" over and over. I know wholeheartedly that I deserve better, I know I can be a much better father to my children if I am not having to "cope" and "tolerate" all the time. But I feel terribly guilty. All my friends and family have been telling me to get out for years and I have always made excuses or simply felt too responsible for this middle-aged person.

Any help or advice would be greatly appreciated.

[Spygirl]

You are so blessed to have seen through damage being done to you, and i believe its incredible that even your children support your making changes. That is so wonderful!
I understand your pain and confusion and worry, this is going to be challenging. Imo, it will  be the bravest, most difficult, and most LOVING thing you can do for yourself. Its your turn now to have peace and enjoy the love of your children free of PD drama.
Please dont give up. You can do this, hundreds of us have, and we will support your journey!

[notrightinthehead]

Remember Fear, Obligation, Guilt are the chains that bind us to our PD partners. You have a massive dose of FOG.  That is perfectly normal and nothing to worry about, you have been living it for years. What helped me a lot, was to decide on something, a change in behaviour, a plan, an activity, and pull that through, no matter how much fear or lack of motivation I felt.

[moondance]

       I had been married to my C-PTSD, Bipolar, UPPD ex husband for 29 years with 3 kids also (16, 23, 26 at the time). I too felt incredible guilt, and still do at times, tho it has lessened considerably. My kids also supported my decision. I have been separated from him for 2 years now, just recently our divorce became final. It was the hardest but best thing I could've done for me and my kids. In fact, I wish I had done it sooner because it was only after we left that I saw the true affects of living with him. My middle daughter is still  struggling with anxiety and depression. Something my brother said to me really made me think, and ultimately gave me the courage to leave. He said, "Where do you see yourself 10 years from now? Do you want to still be with him, miserably unhappy and depressed, possibly suicidal? Or do you want to get out while you still have time to make a different, happier life for yourself?"  The thought of still being in that miserable situation 10 years, or even 10 months  more felt intolerable to me.  Another thing that helped me see a different perspective was a quote that said, "The abused woman (or man) stays because the fear of leaving is greater than the fear of staying. When the fear of staying becomes greater than the fear of leaving she/he will leave."  I reached that tipping point and it sounds like you have too.  Yes there will continue to be guilt, you will question and doubt yourself, but focus on the bigger picture of protecting your sanity and that of your kids and you can make it through this.  My life is certainly not stress free but its peaceful and my kids are safe and we're all healing and moving forward with love and joy. I wish the same for you and your children.

[Thomas5244]

Thank you all

It helps massively to know that there is light at the end of the tunnel and I am not going mad in the meantime. I just have to keep strong, stick to my values and have goals.

Onwards and upwards

[Thomas5244]

Just another development on this.

As of 2 days ago my wife has seemingly developed some remorse and has now promised the world in order for me to stay? Having spent 2 years trying to improve things from my side, to no avail, from marriage counselling to personal counselling.

I am now in a tough predicament where again I am feeling sorry for her! I really should not believe her, thinking immediately after all this time that it has taken me to virtually walk out the door for her to decide that she can change and wants to make an effort!

I am torn. Has anyone bene through this?

[not broken]

I am so sorry to hear the pain in your post, and I can relate and empathize.  Almost 19 years here, 3 kids, all girls now in HS.  I came to the forum today thinking I would post about guilt or self-doubt, as I am in a similar situation.  I am in therapy, have been for years.  My youngest is in therapy- anxiety due to the inability to live up to the expectations of her dad, not being good enough, etc....all of the things that I have been saying and arguing for to be validated for almost two decades. Unfortunately it wasn't until I started seeing things via my kids or about him through them did I start to realize what was happening in our house and that it was wrong- and not my fault- like he told me everything was.  He has never been diagnosed but multiple therapists have described the behaviors as narcissistic, which he fits every description of. 

I am stuck in between the knowing it is unhealthy, it hurts, I can't think clearly, I have hit a wall of excuses and hiding it from everyone to being able to hurt him.  He is going to therapy, after he had his lightbulb moment about seven months ago and admitted to being verbally and emotionally abusive.  I believe this happened because I had begun detaching- which is what it sounds like you have begun by gray rock and medium chill.  I suspect your wife sensed this while you were away, and now has her game face on.  This is when we have to be even more vigilant about the behaviors because they are even more convoluted- and oh so sneaky all wrapped up in kindness, love bombing and intertwined with how they are trying so hard while we are frustrated and agitated. 

They play the victim, it's what they do.  And after fighting for the kindness for so long, it hard to be an empathetic person and accept that it is not genuine on their part, or that it has strings attached, and could vanish in a conversation that causes their mood to shift.  Sadly, I know all of this in my head, and yet I can't separate from it.  I know I can't go back to having a complete relationship with him, and I can't leave or ask him to leave.  I don't know if it is guilt or self-doubt, although probably a mixture of both since he has done such a great job manipulating both for me for so long.

The one thing that has helped me get closer, that enabled me just yesterday to voice to him that I don't know if I will be able to trust him enough for our marriage, was allowing myself to be angry, to validate my own feelings, and it was okay for me to feel that way no matter what his reaction.  I have hid my feelings or pushed them down for so long- whether it was to manage the tension in the house, avoid a blow up of his, or so that friends and family didn't know what was really going on- it's hard to let all of those feelings out.  This is part of my journey where I am not responsible for him, I don't focus on what is wrong with him, or at least not like I used to when I was seeking validation.  Now I read a lot about recovery, the process, healing, how to have confidence in my decisions and myself.  I am hopeful that this will help me find the strength to see the other side.  For me and my kids. 

It's clear you love your kids, and I am sorry this is happening for you all.  Keep in mind that as soon as the little one hits adolescence, you will start to realize that one day it will just be you and your wife in the house, together.  And the kids will be gone.  I read something yesterday about relationships and forgiveness and resolving conflict. It said, you can't be the solution AND the problem for someone- or you get stuck.  If you are, then your job is solely to serve him/her, right?  Love yourself and be your solution; because no matter what you do you cannot be her problem AND solution. 

Good luck and I hope you find strength and peace to take care of you. 

[Thomas5244]

Thank you again everyone

NotBroken, I am sorry to hear this too. You are right, the biggest consideration when you have children is "what would you do if a) you didn't have kids or b) when they are no longer at home. In reality if I didn't have children I would have left a long time ago, which in it's own right should answer the question. I sanity checked this with my eldest again yesterday (who is nearly 18). She confidently stated that I should leave her mum, as it is likely the only way to find happiness.

I do feel trapped,  which is enhancing the anxiety again. I do feel guilty and worry that I am being selfish in all of this. The answer is yes I am being selfish but it is a different type of selfish, I am being selfish for survival; recognising that this environment and situation is detrimental to my health and wellbeing.

The flip in behaviour is alien but also difficult to believe. I can't and don't want to pursue this relationship, that's a given. I just need to work out how to untangle it, which is going to be tough.   

[not broken]

Thomas5244-
By definition selfish is: "lacking consideration for others; concerned chiefly with one's own personal profit or pleasure."  The fact that you are and have been considering your children's feelings, what is in their best interest, as well as your wife's in and of itself is considerate, kind and self-less.  It is not selfish to have a choice, a choice that happens to be different than that of your spouse.  There is a difference. 

Someone recently told me that I was seeking permission to be kind to myself, to choose myself.  Sounds like you are doing the same by asking your daughter.  The only way we will find peace, is through release of the self-doubt and belief that we deserve happiness.  We also have the right to feel anger, resentment, frustration and any other feeling.  I recently validated these feelings for myself for the first time in I don't know how long and it has helped me to see that there is a light at the end of the tunnel.   I haven't gotten there yet, but each day feels a little bit better than the last now.

[musttryharder]

I'm in a similar boat, except we have no dependents. I feel the same guilt - in fact the FOG. It's a situation that we didn't make and we want everything to just be okay again, but we know that isn't going to happen. Logic beats the FOG in the end. I have felt as low as you do, but it's not the answer. You and your kids deserve happiness, and while it will get harder before it gets better, you know that you can do this.