Why do I keep doing this??

[waterfalls]

When my relationship with my NPD mother seems to be going well for a while, why do I think I can actually talk to her like a daughter to a normal mother??

I had a bad day at work yesterday. When I called up my mother in the evening to check in on her, I mentioned it to her. She asked me what happened. Foolishly, I told her and instead of sympathy or compassion I get, "You let people walk all over you." I told her it hurts me when she says things like that to me.

Long story short, my bad day has become a thing about her, not me, and how I told her she's a bad mother (I said no such thing).

Yeah, I know, I should know better. I should remind myself that I can't and shouldn't share anything with my mother because it turns into something about her. I regret talking with her about my bad day.

In all honesty, my bad day was nothing compared to the bad evening I had thanks to my mother and my own stupidity. I have to keep reminding myself that I can't share anything with her.

I want to maintain some relationship, but it's difficult. Sometimes, loving her hurts, like a knife stuck in my heart that's being twisted around.

Thanks for reading.

[engineer31]

When my relationship with my NPD mother seems to be going well for a while, why do I think I can actually talk to her like a daughter to a normal mother??

Because you are a normal, human being. I'm sorry you had a bad day. I totally get trying to talk to someone and then regretting it. Show yourself some grace and keep moving forward. 

[waterfalls]

Thank you, engineer31, for your understanding and kind words. I've been feeling very down the past few days, and re-reading your post has helped me. Best wishes.

[makingachange]

When my relationship with my NPD mother seems to be going well for a while, why do I think I can actually talk to her like a daughter to a normal mother??

I had a bad day at work yesterday. When I called up my mother in the evening to check in on her, I mentioned it to her. She asked me what happened. Foolishly, I told her and instead of sympathy or compassion I get, "You let people walk all over you." I told her it hurts me when she says things like that to me.

Long story short, my bad day has become a thing about her, not me, and how I told her she's a bad mother (I said no such thing).

Yeah, I know, I should know better. I should remind myself that I can't and shouldn't share anything with my mother because it turns into something about her. I regret talking with her about my bad day.

In all honesty, my bad day was nothing compared to the bad evening I had thanks to my mother and my own stupidity. I have to keep reminding myself that I can't share anything with her.

I want to maintain some relationship, but it's difficult. Sometimes, loving her hurts, like a knife stuck in my heart that's being twisted around.

Thanks for reading.

Oh my!  I am so sorry that you had such a rough day...and especially after your conversation with your mother!  I think I can relate  and I know how this feels all so well...a pet of mine passed and it was turned right back around about how bad it was when hers had passed...it always feels like when you say something it is just turned right back around into their life...and how they did it...and you know how it goes!

I've started journaling and I have found that to be really helpful...writing down my good and bad days.  =)  It seems to help...maybe you could try writing, if you don't already do so..? Just a thought.  =)

We are always here too!!  =)  <3

[Hepatica]

Dear waterfalls,

I'm sorry. This is the process, I think, of being knocked out of the confusion. Every time you expect the PD person to behave like a normal person, who responds to someone with kindness when they've had a bad day, and the PD person shows you that they aren't able, it is so disappointing and painful, esp. when it's a parent. It brings up everything we didn't get our entire lives.

I came to realize I would never ever get the support I needed from my PD parents. And every time I went to them hoping to get love, I walked away feeling so disillusioned.

It's possible to find that support with other people, a therapist, a good friend, someone who truly cares and loves you.

Accepting that a parent is disordered is so painful but, probably not as painful as growing up with one. That part is over. Now you can begin the healing process.

You'll get there. Be very kind to yourself this week, the way you'd treat that child part of yourself that has been hurt.

I'm sorry you had a bad day at work. Remember after this, when you are inclined to share anything with your mother, that she won't give you what you need, and that she may even make you feel worse. She is not a safe person.

See if there is someone else you can share this kind of thing with. Forums like this are great for that, esp. in these Covid times.

[waterfalls]

Thank you, makingachange and Hepatica, for your caring responses. Hepatica, I was trying to be kind to myself. I actually took a sick day from work yesterday and today (I guess you can call it "mental health days"). I felt a little guilty calling in, but after my infamous work day followed by my conversation with my mother, I was a mess, I was in no condition to go to work.

I do have to remember that my mother isn't a safe person and I can't tell her many things. Funny--when I was a child, my mother always asked me about my day and wanted to hear everything that happened; I never imagined how my upbringing (my mother telling me I could turn to her for anything, that I could trust her and no one else) would later work against me as an adult. I'm learning that there are good people, like the people here, I can turn to. I'm grateful I have a loving and supportive husband who understands, but sometimes I'm afraid I may be too much for him; I don't want to turn him off.

makingachange, I actually wrote a letter to myself this morning (something I learned in therapy) as if I was giving advice to a friend who was in my situation. It helped me to be kind to myself and make some things clear. One of those things is realizing that real love is accepting someone the way s/he is, not criticizing or judging that person for not being what you want. It's amazing how narcissists can turn things around and make something be about them, even when it's your own bad day.

Thank you both, again, for your words--I greatly appreciate it.

[Sneezy]

I have to keep reminding myself that I can't share anything with her.

This is a wise decision on your part.  Even when things seem to be going well with your mother, you want to be careful what and how much you share.  She will store up information for later use.  That seems to be a big thing with PDs - information is currency.  They store it, hoard it even.  They want to know about your misery and your joy so they can twist it and use it later.

As far as things going well for a while, I think that is often the case.  My mom can act perfectly "normal" for long stretches of time.  She is also very good at sensing when she has gotten on my last nerve and then she will pull back and be less whiny/needy/angry for a while.  But sooner or later something will happen that reminds me that I have to keep up my boundaries at all times. 

Good luck and I hope your mental health day helped and next week is a better week!

[waterfalls]

Even when things seem to be going well with your mother, you want to be careful what and how much you share.  She will store up information for later use.  That seems to be a big thing with PDs - information is currency.  They store it, hoard it even.  They want to know about your misery and your joy so they can twist it and use it later.

You are so right, Sneezy. Information really is currency with NPDs; my mother has the memory of an elephant and she's so good at keeping grudges--she never forgets or forgives. Even when times are good and she seems "normal," I have to remember to keep up my defenses, watch what I'm sharing. I can't allow myself to forget.

Thank you for your wishes. I hope you're having a good weekend and wish you a good upcoming week as well!

[moglow]

Foolishly, I told her and instead of sympathy or compassion I get, "You let people walk all over you." I told her it hurts me when she says things like that to me.

If I may - maybe you DO let people walk all over you, and maybe that's because that's what *she trained* you to do it. Try and look at this as a learning opportunity and a chance to start changing your responses to it going forward. It sounds like she expects you to turn to her and only her, then [as one of my brothers says] she gaffs you when you're vulnerable. That's a very telling response she gave!

I'd go a bit further and say it's probably not so much what she said as the way she presented it. I'd venture a guess this isn't the first time she's responded in this way, yet demands that you keep on as you have in the past. Maybe she's pushing back against your changes? That's fine - doesn't mean you should stop or that you don't owe it to yourself to do better.

I actually wrote a letter to myself this morning (something I learned in therapy) as if I was giving advice to a friend who was in my situation. It helped me to be kind to myself and make some things clear. One of those things is realizing that real love is accepting someone the way s/he is, not criticizing or judging that person for not being what you want.

I like this! I'd probably go a step or two further and write out how you'd like your friend to start responding as you go forward. Not react from a gut punch, but considered well-thought-out responses.

Example: She says you let people walk all over you. You respond: I guess it's time I rethink that. It is a bad habit that I need to change, starting now. I have some things to do and will talk with you sometime later [or will call you Thursday/another day entirely]. Goodbye. [End the call. Don't answer if she calls back. Call her back Thursday or whenever you said you will, or when you actually have something to say.]

Seriously, think about it. Take your life back into your own hands - you're not responsible for entertaining her or being her sounding board. You can absolutely love someone and still not sit there and absorb their bullshit. It's been hard for me after a lifetime of being mother's punching bag, but I do get mine back when I can. Now mind, I'm not saying lash out and be deliberately disrespectful or ugly, but by all means, stand up for yourself. Don't let HER walk all over you either.

[all4peace]

waterfalls, we humans often seem to have so much hopefulness and longing. I think that's beautiful, but it can also be really painful when we respond as we wish the relationship would be, rather than how it actually is.  For me, I've had to learn how to grieve what I never had and will likely never have, and to start responding according to reality instead of what I wish I had. It's painful but good work. You're not alone.

[waterfalls]

moglow, you are right--I have been trained to let people walk all over me, especially my mother. If I ever said anything to contradict her, there would always be a price to pay (her humors, her silence), so I learned to  walk on eggshells around her and try not to agitate her, but sometimes, she would still get agitated by things I couldn't foresee. Thank you for the suggestions about thinking ahead and making well-thought out responses. I usually get surprised out of the blue, and my knee-jerk responses aren't always the best. It's sad to think that you have to prepare yourself against your parent, but unfortunately that's the way it is. Thank you for all your good advice--I appreciate it.

all4peace, I'm sorry for the pain you've experienced. It is very painful and a grieving process to know what kind of parent or family we have and to know that they cannot be there for us the way that we would wish. It's hard to accept reality many times. Hopefulness and longing are good qualities, but they do work against us in some situations. Thank you for your words and for sharing. Wishing you peace and comfort.