Jealous bitter mother

[eternallystuck]

So I recently just started getting slightly better with my MH after 30 odd therapy sessions & after a period of numerous deflated love interests  (very unstable immature guys)...

I have met a really nice one that's made my ears prick up. And you just know when it's different, when they're putting the effort in from the get go. He's really sweet & polite & because of numerous reasons I can tell this ones intentions are serious. It's so nice to have that giddy feeling again & have someone ask how you are each day. I'm not getting to wrapped in it but at same time I have been missing this in my life so want to enjoy it

I really feel like it's well deserved as I've been going through a tough period of solitude keeping boundaries up as I can't really afford to let anymore disingenuous ppl into my life given my car crash family situation. So this feels like some sort of carefully timed spiritual reward for sticking to my guns. I've really needed to slow down & detatch to gain clarity. I was making a lot of codependent decisions based off loneliness & needing to fill a void from foo (story of my life). In the end I was just hurting myself more by allowing bad ppl around me. I thought hell there's worse things than my own company. So it's really cheered me up meeting this guy as i haven't met someone that gave me butterflies in about 3years now.

Things have been goin well & we're moving at a nice pace. & im a little excited as he ticks a lot of boxes other ex's didn't. He is quite caring & seems like he has the emotional depth to handle someone like me (welp) I haven't got into my foo situation yet as don't feel it's been long enough to unleash that mess but I do need to mention it at some point because it's the main reason I take starting a family seriously & am not tryna play games in that dept. I'm approaching my 30s & am not dating to mess around anymore but he seems to be on a similar page (few years older) & has asked if I want kids etc. My mum has 3 different baby dads & I absolutely hated A) not having a real father figure to retreat to and B) having to deal with some strange man in my house that wasn't my dad & looked at me weird & C) put up with my mum getting back with a cheat/loser, not taking anyone's advice & then taking it out on everyone that warned her about said cheat/loser.

If and only if I have a family it has to be in a stable situation, 0 compromised . So at some point I would like to bring this up bc I don't have a foo safety net & im not tryna repeat the cycle. You know it's nice a man is attracted & respectful but it takes a special kind of person to see how fragile you are & respect what you've built. It would kill me to put a child through what I have

However, I made the mistake of letting slip to my mother about this new interest. Why I don't know because she is terribly bitter in the love dept and has always projected this into me, to the point where u don't believe anyone could have genuine intentions to you, so u don't attract it.

Immediately I was reminded that this woman can't stand me feeling even an inch of happiness & excitement. It really rubs her the wrong way. You could see the resentment splatted across her face

& I just thought to myself, wow I've only recently got in a slightly healthier place & ive had ZERO social life which has been spiritually gruelling & the minute I start to feel some life in me again my mother can't stand it. Typical

I'm not sure how I was supposed to avoid depression with a mother who has been like this my whole life. It's like they can't stand you when u become weak from their constant put downs & hysteria, you're too much of a burden, you make them look bad...but when you're on the recovery they are irked and threatened by it.

Honestly since she has been entering her late 40s I've been feeling a real undercurrent of jealousy off her....particularly in my life dept. Cos I am more cautious & patient than her. I've purposely held off kids till I feel mature enough & am in a stable enough relationship. She's also been wearing more makeup & been giving me strange looks

I refuse to feel guilty about this cos quite frankly my mother has had her youth & one day I will get old too. I'm tired of this woman taking my odd moments of genuine happiness as an assault on her esteem

My mother has never learned her lessons in the men dept or listened to anyone's advice. Quite frankly her current situation is mostly her doing. She rushed to have a kid with a new loser fresh out of a divorce & they've stayed together, miserably for years since.

It doesn't surprise me anyway because she's not a nice person so no nice guy could tolerate her anyway. I'm her blood and I cannot stand to be around her 90% of the time. But there's something so deeply disturbing & alienating about the fact my mother can't bear to see my happy

It's been making me think about the continuous cycle of pain she's put me through & how I've learned to avoid disgruntling her. Did I develop depression as a child bc me being excited or giddy prompted fury in her? Was it safer for me to remain deflated because that was more familiar & convenient to her?

It certainly prompts some questions. In the future I need to avoid speaking about any topic of happiness with her at all costs, because to a bitter NPD, you are just boasting /attacking them.

[scapegoat/caregiver]

I can relate with the jealous issues.  My NF and NM have always been jealous of ME?
.  I honestly do not know why?? I work hard, don't bother any one.
I learned to NOT TELL THEM ANYTHING... about my friends,
not to let them in my home.... they look around and make comments... if I get something new like a refrig...carpet...
they make comments like  WHY????  and they go on and on about the subject...well.  my refrig is broken and had to be relplaced...???!!!
my rug was 20 years old...mentioned getting a new one... they said why??  like I have something to be ashamed of. like i'm doing somehtin wrong.

they look at my house and make comments why do you have a spare bedroom....what are you going to do about it??!!
WEIRD comments designed to make me feel uncomfortable?. make me feel i'm doing something wrong all the time...
They are very wealthy ...I am just average. I am happy being the way I and my children are too...   but for some reason I don't think they are.
They are extremely greedy and frugal and do not help any one even tho they could.

I have learned not to let them in my home...I do not talk about anything in my life...what I am doing...my business..my investments...my friends..
I just bought a new used car..... I can not tell them because of the comments....

I did figure out they always  wanted to give my GC sister all the inheritence...perhaps this is an EXCUSE for them??

also this type of PD that they have,  makes them react to someone else's success and happiness with fear of losing you...which is brought out with anger.
They love to keep you down...so you can't get away.  part of that is when you have friends..because your friends may take up your time
so PD parents  can't have it (selfish)
also your new friends may inform you something is wrong with them. and people may find out about it,  another fear they have.(insecurity)
A) these type of people want to keep you down---aka no happiness,,no success.. so you keep relying on them.
B) these type of people usually worry about what other people think of them all the time...THEY want to be the BIG SHOTS..so therefore no one else can get ahead...
sorry you are going thru this.... get away from her for awhile so you can take a breather... and heal     
     

[moglow]

Sounds like mine. She will drag you down and beat you senseless with her negativity if you let her. She can and does, because she's had so much practice.  For way too long I didn't realize mother really was storing up "mads" for later.

Not that she's really all that interested but what's saved me is cutting off the information flow. I had to remove potential ammunition. I learned to share on a need to know basis after so much came back to bite me weeks or months later.

That's my suggestion for you too: Find gray rock and hold on to it. BE gray rock. Answer questions but be vague, whether good or bad. Be boring if you have to but learn to limit what you share with her. It feels horribly unnatural at first but when someone can't be happy for us, they get what they've earned.
Taking a large step back from her emotionally, from her influence and negativity, will be a big step to detaching from her and her stuff. It may just save your sanity.

[abusive_parents]

I could have written this myself. It's pathological envy, and they want to destroy you for their own pleasure. I'm pretty sure I have already been written out of the will as well and have never done anything to deserve any of this. Stay strong, and know that others are going through the same thing.

[scapegoat/caregiver]

grey rock sounds like an excellent idea.  do not give them any information about you, that way they will not have any ammunition

[p123]

Oh parent jealousy......

Dad worked in a factory all his life - nothing wrong with that of course. I went to college, got a degree and now work as an IT consultant through my own business. I do OK, can manage to go on holidays to Florida every year etc. Not loaded by any means but I do OK.

Forgot to say, brother is a welder (which Dad understands). So what do I get? I must be a manager (I'm not) and he remembers when he was working, the managers sat around all day letting the workers do it all.  Cheers Dad. As I said, I'm self employed so now work = no pay. "When are you going to get a proper job?". Umm I like this Dad.

Recently when I told him I was off to Florida this year, he told me "whats the matter with you, you don;t get paid when you're away, you're greedy booking a holiday every year", What?

Of course, on the flip side, I get told how hard my brother works, how he works nights, does 12 hour shifts, and how he can only afford a holiday for one week every few years.

I mean come on. I come from a humble background, single parent, living in social housing, went to pretty poor school, but I've worked damn hard, went to college etc to get where I am today.

It just burns me up that hes jealous like this....

[Danden]

p123,  I could say ditto to much of what you say.  My parents worked in factories and honestly, I don't know how they did it and raised a family, it was so much work.  Honestly I dont' think I could do it.  We were immigrants to the US and so that was their best option.  My dad never had the role models for being more ambitious, starting his own company perhaps, and he didn't have the personality for it I think, he was not a risk-taker.  Now there are no more factories in the town I grew up in. 

I have a Ph.D. and I have a job I love, it is very interesting work and also socially meaningful.  But I work from home as a consultant and my mom tells people she is disappointed and ashamed of me, cause I have given up on my career and also, according to her, I think too highly of myself.  "Danden works from home, but she doesn't do much, just little jobs" 

It hurts when our parents are not happy for us, when they envy us, when they don't understand us.  We are just different people, living different lives.  Don't be angry at your dad, you have a right to take a vacation in Florida.  He doesn't understand that being self employed means you have to work harder than others and that you are responsible for everything.  How could he?  He has never done that and has no knowledge of that way of life.  My husband is self employed and his mom used to say to him that he should "relax and let your employees do the work for you".  Yeah, right.  I think people from a working class background can look at people like you and me as having attained a life of ease, something that is unattainable for many.  I was actually surprised as an adult when I realized that writing books and such was a viable way to make a living, even a good living.  I always thought it was silly useless stuff.  You are more successful than your brother and your dad also relates to your brother and his way of life.  So I think it is not only the jealousy, but the inability to relate to you and your way of life.  Unfortunately I dont' think there is something to fix that.

[p123]

p123,  I could say ditto to much of what you say.  My parents worked in factories and honestly, I don't know how they did it and raised a family, it was so much work.  Honestly I dont' think I could do it.  We were immigrants to the US and so that was their best option.  My dad never had the role models for being more ambitious, starting his own company perhaps, and he didn't have the personality for it I think, he was not a risk-taker.  Now there are no more factories in the town I grew up in. 

I have a Ph.D. and I have a job I love, it is very interesting work and also socially meaningful.  But I work from home as a consultant and my mom tells people she is disappointed and ashamed of me, cause I have given up on my career and also, according to her, I think too highly of myself.  "Danden works from home, but she doesn't do much, just little jobs" 

It hurts when our parents are not happy for us, when they envy us, when they don't understand us.  We are just different people, living different lives.  Don't be angry at your dad, you have a right to take a vacation in Florida.  He doesn't understand that being self employed means you have to work harder than others and that you are responsible for everything.  How could he?  He has never done that and has no knowledge of that way of life.  My husband is self employed and his mom used to say to him that he should "relax and let your employees do the work for you".  Yeah, right.  I think people from a working class background can look at people like you and me as having attained a life of ease, something that is unattainable for many.  I was actually surprised as an adult when I realized that writing books and such was a viable way to make a living, even a good living.  I always thought it was silly useless stuff.  You are more successful than your brother and your dad also relates to your brother and his way of life.  So I think it is not only the jealousy, but the inability to relate to you and your way of life.  Unfortunately I dont' think there is something to fix that.

Thanks Danden - you've hit the nail on the head there. I do feel like we inhabit two different worlds.

His attitude to work is very different to me. He can't seem to understand that, yes, people rely on me and just me - there is no manager to check things with. He doesn't get it.

He does have this attitude that working in an office is "easy". Then, I do on call/standby and, in the past, I've worked 36 hours straight to fix a major IT problem. At that point, of course, Dad will say something like "Thats not fair. I wouldn't have done that when I worked. They need to get someone else in". Yes, no S Dad its a lot of resposnsibility- is it beginning to sink in now what they pay me for?

I think the worse thing is (and hes demonstrated this) is that if my brother is working 12 hour shifts (and brother lies to Dad A LOT about how often he works) then Dad goes around telling everyone how hard his son works. If I'm awake at 3am dealing with an urgent issue, or up 36 hours with no sleep, he'll still say "yes but I need you to get some food for me".

As you say, hes never changing....

[Danden]

Another thought is that for people who have "done less" in life than others, like yourself, there is something else going on.  I have thought about this a lot because the class differences within my FOO are the point of a lot of friction and animosity. 

I remember back in the 70s, after the civil rights movement, there was a lot of talk in the media about the people who made it out of the inner city, becoming doctors and lawyers and such.  Many media commentators asked themselves, why don't these people go back to where they are from and bring their example and experience to those who are also wanting (presumably) to get out?  To help them and to be role models?  Well as an adult, I understood the answer, based on my own life experience.   It is because those who are "left behind" so to speak, do not want this.  They do not want to be reminded, by those they are close to (or were once close to), that they have been somehow unable to realize their own aspirations.  It points out to them their own inadequacies, and it doesn't feel good.   They do not necessarily want to be challenged in this way.

I did not grow up in the inner city, so I don't have that background.  But as an immigrant, I realized that many people we knew came to the US, all with basically nothing to start with, and all started out the same.  Yet over the  years, some succeeded and acquired wealth/education/money (or their children did) while others continued to work in factories and struggle more.  Back in the old country, if someone had more than another person, it could be explained somehow.  One could say, this one inherited from a wealthy uncle, that one had a friend who did him a favor to get a good job, another one had a parent who was abroad and sent money, another one married into money.  Or whatever it was.   Everyone knew each other and knew what each other had and how they got it. 

But here in the US, nobody can say those things anymore.  It only depends on who you are and what you are able to do for yourself.  That can be a difficult pill to swallow for many people.  It has also been a primary source of difficulty in my family relationships, in my FOO.  I think it stems from a feeling of inferiority in those who have accomplished less.  As if my having something means I have taken it from them.  I have definitely felt their jealousy.  Or maybe they need a sense of solidarity and validation by having everyone in the family be the same.    Either way, their anger seems to land on me though. 

Just wanting to share those additional thoughts.  Take care.   

[AD]

I can relate as well. My parents each grew up in poor families. They both had jobs that were a huge step up from what they had in terms of pay, benefits, having a pension, but still have this mind set of being terrified to spend any money. F's job was more manual labor in nature. I pursued further education, but neither seems remotely interested. When I got into my graduate program, one said nothing, and when called out said, "I don't know what to tell you about (the program)". The other said that "someone else must have dropped out". It was quite sad to hear other students' stories about how excited their parents were for them.

And it's continued from there - great new job? They don't care. During school, F tried to convince me that I would drop out. Then when I didn't want him at the graduation, M was upset. She started crying at the graduation dinner, saying something about how he brags about me (Side note: I guess at one stage he learned that when he told people what I was doing, he got a positive reaction, so it sounds like he's started "bragging" for the positive reaction that HE gets out of it. He has never said anything remotely positive to me, and I know that he doesn't actually want anything good for me).

F is the PD parent in my case, and M has issues, but I suppose is more of an enabler. I tried telling her once when I got a new role - that was a really big deal for me - that I was disappointed that she didn't seem at all interested and didn't even respond. Literally, silence and then a new topic. To be fair, she's like this about everything, and has done the same to sibling, but it's still really disappointing.

In one role, I mentioned to M that I was job hunting a bit. She must have passed this on, and F was *so* happy with the idea that I was unhappy in my job. He started bringing it up, "so you don't like where you're working?", etc, and you could see on his face how pleased he was with this idea. It reminds me that when I was a teenager at one point he told me that I should go into X career (stereotypical female "helper" role). I said that I wasn't interested in that, and he tore into me about how he's never liked any job he's ever had.

I typically stay as NC as I can with PDF, but the parents were together on a trip and ended up near when I am living. One of the things to do here would be to see the place that I work. I normally would not have taken F, but since they were together, I did so against my better judgment. There was a Q and A sort of session, and he, in this hostile, challenging tone, started saying things like "does this place matter?", basically going on that it must be ineffectual and have no purpose.

The thing is, he knows nothing about the organization. But even knowing nothing about it, he decides to make a scene and start trying to trash it. Knowing that he's there as my guest, and this is where I work. So obviously, this 1) will be offensive to me, and 2) probably isn't a good look for me either. I mean, if you're so eager to be negative about everything, at least do a bit of research so you can ask an informed, yet challenging question (at an appropriate time and in a normal tone of voice).

Does he care? No. I say something to M after about it, and she says something about how there is no point in saying anything to him about it, because it won't make a difference.

[Twinkletoes88]

I can relate with the jealous issues.  My NF and NM have always been jealous of ME?
.  I honestly do not know why?? I work hard, don't bother any one.
I learned to NOT TELL THEM ANYTHING... about my friends,
not to let them in my home.... they look around and make comments... if I get something new like a refrig...carpet...
they make comments like  WHY????  and they go on and on about the subject...well.  my refrig is broken and had to be relplaced...???!!!
my rug was 20 years old...mentioned getting a new one... they said why??  like I have something to be ashamed of. like i'm doing somehtin wrong.

they look at my house and make comments why do you have a spare bedroom....what are you going to do about it??!!
WEIRD comments designed to make me feel uncomfortable?. make me feel i'm doing something wrong all the time...
They are very wealthy ...I am just average. I am happy being the way I and my children are too...   but for some reason I don't think they are.
They are extremely greedy and frugal and do not help any one even tho they could.

I have learned not to let them in my home...I do not talk about anything in my life...what I am doing...my business..my investments...my friends..
I just bought a new used car..... I can not tell them because of the comments....

I did figure out they always  wanted to give my GC sister all the inheritence...perhaps this is an EXCUSE for them??

also this type of PD that they have,  makes them react to someone else's success and happiness with fear of losing you...which is brought out with anger.
They love to keep you down...so you can't get away.  part of that is when you have friends..because your friends may take up your time
so PD parents  can't have it (selfish)
also your new friends may inform you something is wrong with them. and people may find out about it,  another fear they have.(insecurity)
A) these type of people want to keep you down---aka no happiness,,no success.. so you keep relying on them.
B) these type of people usually worry about what other people think of them all the time...THEY want to be the BIG SHOTS..so therefore no one else can get ahead...
sorry you are going thru this.... get away from her for awhile so you can take a breather... and heal     
   

This is SOOOOO true and is absolutely the case in my FOO too!!!