Children of NPD parents

[Deanevo]

Hello to you all.
Are there any people who have experience in children (adult now) from narcissists? I have a stepdaughter who would not open up with therapists. She has unfortunately little self reflection.
Just mentioning her issues makes her withdraw. I understand this is a common thing with people with this kind childhood trama. The therapist (who does not seem extremely qualified) wants to force it the confrontational way. Is this a trialed method?
Thank you.

[PlantFlowersNotWeeds]

I was listening to a podcast today, Mel Robbins / Attachment styles. Very interesting and I thought of that when I read your post.

I can't say this is your stepdaughter, but my son has an avoidant style.  The impact of the divorce and my tendencies toward being defensive has probably made it harder on him.  In stead of sharing with him what bothers me, I'm trying to just share my own emotions (I worry when I don't know where you are, how can you help me? is this reasonable?) and maybe get him to talk.  He rarely does, but he IS listening.  Baby steps.

Also, I'm trying to not overwhelm him - what I'm feeling is definitely NOT what he is feeling, so I need to be mindful.

My son is 18 and is in therapy, but after he really got himself into trouble.  He is engaged. 

One thought - there are a lot of therapists out there, maybe this isn't a match?  What does she think?

Good Luck

[Leonor]

Hi Deanvo,

I would gently suggest caution here, for your own wellbeing.

As a stepmother, your role in your stepdaughter's life is the partner of her father and, to be honest, the woman that has replaced her mother in relationship to him.

Your spouse can be the Best Dad Ever and her mother Cruella de Ville, and you will still be the woman who took her mother's place. It's a primal psychic thing, it's no one's fault.

But it does mean that any move you make is over an emotional minefield.

This is an adult woman. She may have her issues, and those issues may impact your spouse. But her issues are not yours.

What she does or says in therapy is none of your business. That is her private space, her therapist, her confidential relationship. You have no way of knowing if she opens up or what she says or the therapist's approach, unless you are in that session with her. And if you are in session with her, get out and get your own therapist.

Your role is to support your husband as his life partner (meaning: listening and nodding), not to meddle and wonder and judge what his adult daughter does in her therapy.

Anything else will cause strife in your marriage and put your husband in a situation in which he must choose between you. That's not fair.