Not telling my mother about my pregnancy

[jennsc85]

It's been a little while since I've posted... which I like to think is a good thing! There hasn't been much going on with my mother. I haven't been in contact with her since an email in February.

So... I'm almost 8 months pregnant with my third child and she doesn't know. At least, I don't think she knows.

She reacted pretty terribly to my other two pregnancies. I didn't tell her until I was nearly 6 months pregnant with my second (and at that point I was taking her to appointments and errands multi-weekly and she didn't even notice!) but anyways, her response was "You can barely help me enough as it is, why don't you get an abortion?"

It felt like she was talking to a 15 year old(minus the part about helping her!)... not her grown daughter! It left me feeling something that I can't really describe. It wasn't hurt- she hasn't been able to hurt me for a long time. But it made me question myself and feel bad about myself and I didn't like that.

So, I chose not to tell her about anything this time. I have friends and family members who were very encouraging of me cutting down my contact with her, but even they think that my mother deserves to know she's going to have another grandchild. They seem shocked that I'm not planning to tell her.

I guess my first question is... is it really terrible that I'm not planning to tell her until the next time I come into contact with her for whatever reason? Does she deserve to know for some reason?

And... I'm thinking ahead but let's say I see her next Christmas. I'll have a baby that she doesn't know about. Do I tell her ahead of time or just not tell her and let her figure it out when she sees us?

[Call Me Cordelia]

I didn't tell her until I was nearly 6 months pregnant with my second (and at that point I was taking her to appointments and errands multi-weekly and she didn't even notice!) but anyways, her response was "You can barely help me enough as it is, why don't you get an abortion?"

You don't owe someone who has said THIS to you a darn thing. Ever. You don't have to protect her either should you choose to explain your reasons. That is absolutely beyond the pale. Keep that baby far away from anyone who would outright say their existence gets in the way of her personal assistant services. If I say anything more I am going to get myself banned for use of profanity.

[jennsc85]

You don't owe someone who has said THIS to you a darn thing. Ever. You don't have to protect her either should you choose to explain your reasons. That is absolutely beyond the pale. Keep that baby far away from anyone who would outright say their existence gets in the way of her personal assistant services. If I say anything more I am going to get myself banned for use of profanity.

Y' know, I've told a couple of people who I'm close to about her saying that and their response was similar to your's. I guess it shows how deep in FOG I was back then that it was hardly even a blip on my radar. I just thought "Oh there she is making a mean comment again." She's always saying potentially hurtful things and if you dare to act upset, she acts like you're the crazy one for being upset when she was just expressing herself. Which, now that I'm seeing more clearly I can see how crazy that is. But still, it's odd to me that even thinking about her saying something that terrible to me, still doesn't hurt me. I've been very detached from her for a long time but at least now I can see that what she said was really awful whereas at the time I didn't even realize how bad it was.

[candy]

Wow!! I would say if there ever was anything like your mother deserved to know about joyful news from your life, she gave that up with her comment about abortion.
Seriously, this is not only terrible, it is hurtful and careless and very close to evil.

She obviously doesn't care about you, your children or your feelings. I totally understand that you are not planning on telling your M.

IMO the people who seem to be shocked about you not telling your M there will be another grandchild, may be thinking that there is a caring grandmother hidden somewhere underneath the bad behavior.
Only your mother may truly know if there is one. From what you wrote about your M I think it is easily traceable for you to not expect anything good coming from her. I would not either.
So, I'd answer your first question as follows: no! It is not terrible that you are not contacting her to let her know. You are protecting yourself and your family.

A caring mother (and grandmother to your children) would have asked you how you are doing and would have figured out that you are 8 month pregnant by now. She has not. This is the shocking part to me.

Thinking ahead:
I have been telling my FOO including uBPDSib and B(2)PDF about major life events briefly or by text message. I did it to prevent hurtful surprises from them. Actually it did not prevent anything, and what's more, it gave my PDs opportunities to hurt me by ignoring me and the things that mattered to me.
Now I ask myself what will hurt more: if I tell them and receive silence as an answer? Like in ,,look, we do not care"? Or if I do not tell at all, admitting to myself that the relationship is not what I thought it was? Both options hurt in a way, both leave me feeling kind of passive or powerless.

Whatever you do, tell ahead of time or just not, please choose something that makes you feel good about yourself. That is the part we can control, our stuff.

I am sorry you are facing this. I wish you the best for the upcoming last weeks until baby arrives!

[Andeza]

This is so not the the kind of stress you need right now. The only thing you ought to be worrying about is... well, nothing!

Tell her or don't, either way she's not going to react in a normal human fashion. She'll either freak out that you're having another baby and make uninvited comments, or she'll freak out that you already had another baby. Either way she'll try to guilt trip you. The only thing you have control over here is how much contact you have with her and how much you allow her to affect you. She doesn't appreciate grandchildren, so as far as I'm concerned she has zero right to know about or enjoy them.

Whatever you decide, the important thing is that you are at peace with your decision. Hoping you have an easy last month/months and a simple delivery.

[WomanInterrupted]

Personally, I wouldn't tell her until your unborn child turns 18 - and I'm only sort of kidding about that.   

If you don't tell her, she can't conspire to *ruin* milestone events because you're not focusing on HER.   

And I'd take Christmas off the table now, because you're going to have an infant, and don't want to subject LO or your other two kids to her toxic nature - and untoward comments.   

And you don't need that crap, either.   

I don't have kids but everybody says those baby days go by so fast - you don't want them tainted by your mom and her unnecessary input, especially if she's one of those who knows EVERYTHING to ever know about raising a child.   

I'd tell well-meaning friends to MYOB - the decision has been made.  Your mother is simply too toxic, and you're not subjecting yet another child to that.  Your mom doesn't *deserve* to be called grandma, and it is NOT her right.  She has to EARN it -  she hasn't, and never will.   

Anybody who comes at you with, "But she's baby's GRANDMA!" - I'd lob back a truth:  "No grandparent is better than a bad one - or a potentially harmful one."   

Andeza is right - whether you tell her now or later, she's NOT going to take the news well and make it all about her.  She'll probably make comments about WHERE will she sleep in your house, or having all three kids in one room is going to be cramped, when she moves in.   

If there is *one* mention of having an abortion, I'd go NC, on the spot.  That would be a complete deal-breaker for me, because it's simply unforgivable.    

Choose whichever option gives *you* less stress - and one of those options might be to just email her a picture of the new baby, when he or she is about a few months old, with only the baby's name, and possibly a DOB. 

No other words, no other description, no nothing - then wait and see what you get back via email. 

I say a month or later because it gives you plenty of wiggle-room in establishing your new routine, and you'll have plenty of time to bond with your new child - if she says anything disparaging, you'll probably quietly go ballistic and say, "NOPE.  DONE!"   

I hope the rest of your pregnancy goes smoothly and *quietly* and the birth...well, I've never given birth, but know it isn't easy, so I hope it goes as easily as it possibly can when you're trying to squeeze a piano through a transom, and I hope everything just goes *well* for you and your new addition - and your FOC, too!   

Your mom...you can decide later, you can keep putting it off, you can change your mind, or you can just say, "We'll see - but right now, I'm taking no action."   

Right now, the bell isn't rung - but once you ring it, it can't be unrung.

[Andeza]

Wanted to add, I tried to go to bed but this is bugging me. If anybody, stranger, relative, friend, mom, were to suggest I get an abortion the way your M so flippantly suggested, I would lose my s***! NASA would see the explosion from space. No contact would be initiated immediately.

I wish you the best with whatever you decide.

[all4peace]

jennsc85, congratulations!!

I think you do not owe her anything. Many people may not understand that, but those people haven't had mothers as cruel and self-involved as yours. If it helps you, that little one growing inside of you is picking up on mood states, cortisol, joy, peace, agitation, whatever is going on in and around you. You are so very much entitled to peace and calm while you finish growing (and raising!) this little one.

I'm so sorry you have the mother you do, and so thankful that your children have you!

[Fightsong]

Jennc85, congratulations!   Nothing else I wanted to say. Enjoy your new little one.

[SunnyMeadow]

Congratulations Jenn!

I'm glad you haven't had contact with your mom since Feb. What a relief that must be for you.  I don't feel she deserves to know anything about you, especially about joyous parts of your life.

The most she deserves if she finds out later is, remember you told me to get an abortion so I could help you more?? That's why you didn't deserve to know about this baby! I'd also throw in...if you aren't a safe or caring person in my life, you get no info. 

[Iguanagos]

Keep that baby far away from anyone who would outright say their existence gets in the way of her personal assistant services.

Children are a precious gift. She's said, plain as day, that she doesn't care. So why should you feel any need to? Like WI, I have no kids either, but I get that.

For those who are disturbed by your lack of contact, that is their issue. They aren't you and haven't lived your life. If someone can't be supportive of your important life decisions, they probably don't need to know as much going forward.

And I agree with others to minimize or eliminate your mother's contact with your kids - some have a "wedding and funerals only" policy, or something similar. Your mother doesn't sound like a healthy presence in you and your FOC"s life. Trust your inner wisdom and your own inner voice above all others.

Congratulations on your soon to be LO!

[qcdlvl]

Please, please, please keep your children away from her. At the very least, they shouldn't have any unsupervised contact with her. Ever. She is at best a toxic, selfish person who doesn't love them and they're better off without her in their lives. You owe her nothing.

[bohemian butterfly]

Jennsc85,

I'm so proud of you!  I've followed your story and man, you are amazing! 

I also wanted to say, Congrats!  🎊🎉🙏❤️ 

I agree with everyone else, you do not have to say or do anything.   Live your life on your terms!  You got this!  No guilt, you have done nothing wrong. 

Keep walking the path of health.  You're an inspiration!

[Rock Chick]

I say let the friends-and-family be shocked that you're not going to tell. At the end of the day it's your decision and nobody else or it's yours and your significant others decision and nobody else's. I would be the same way as you if I was in your situation. Although it wouldn't be me not telling my mom it would be me not telling my boyfriend's mother as she is the personality disordered individual not my mom. You are under no obligation to tell your mother or anyone for that matter. And it's not terrible that you're choosing not to tell her. Also I personally would not tell her. Let her find out on her own and if she doesn't notice then she doesn't notice. If she doesn't notice or she throws a fit it just confirms that you made the right decision by not telling her and it shows that she doesn't care. It sucks I know cuz we want our parents to care but at the end the day we can't control if they do or don't. And from the sounds of it it sounds like she's never acted like a mother to you so she doesn't deserve to know. I have always told my boyfriend if by some slim chance we did have kids and I wanted kids that his mother would never ever Over My Dead Body ever meet our child see a picture of our child or know anything about our child. I told him it's a deal-breaker and if he were to break that we would be done. I feel that passionately about these things. She is that mentally ill and her personality disorders are that malignant. I wouldn't feel right nor feel safe having her around my child. We all have our reasons and people need to respect that they don't know every detail of our lives they don't know what we went through and how a person truly is. You do what's right for you and if people don't like it then at the end of the day that's their problem not yours live your life be happy and just look forward to the bundle of joy coming into the world soon. You have to look out for you you have to look out for your children and that's it period. Hugs.

[jennsc85]

Thank you all for the congratulations! And for the confirmation that I'm not a monster for not telling my mother about my pregnancy.

Also, I know a couple people mentioned her not being around my kids... she hasn't been with them unsupervised in probably 4 years. The last time was when she watched my daughter for me while I was at work and then told me if I didn't buy her some groceries as a thank you for watching her, that she would call child protective services and tell them that I abandoned my child with her  So, yeah, that about did it for me leaving my kids with her alone!

She's said in the past that my kids will be taking care of her when she's older and in even worse health than she is now. Now THAT was a scary thought for me, thinking that my kids could possibly be manipulated like I was for so long.

Anyways, last Christmas was my first time seeing her in a year... she reached out back in Feb. wanting to see us but I just didn't feel comfortable getting into any kind of casual visiting with her because I'm afraid she doesn't know how to do that. Like, a random visit would eventually turn back into me taking her to multiple appointments and errands and I really can't do that again after seeing how vastly my life improved last year without her being in every second of it. I think it's been really helpful for my pregnancy too not having the stress of worrying about my mother and what she'll come up with it.

Also, something crazy that I remembered today... after my son was born, when he was 3 days old my mother called me and told me her electric had been turned off because she was so distracted by me having a baby that she forgot to pay the bill. Therefore it was my fault that her electric was turned off. She wanted me to pay the bill and then come get her dog and bring her dog to my house so that he wouldn't get overheated until the electric was turned on. I tried to ignore her and she kept calling and threatening to have someone come check on me and take my kids away. So... I went to her house to get the dog with my two small kids, one being a newborn, and when I got there she said I wasn't in sound enough mental health to be around her dog! Then she accused me of being cold and callus towards my kids and threatened something or other...

I honestly cant believe that I put up with that and went along with it. I can't imagine how much stress that added to my life in an already stressful time. I'm really thankful that I won't have to worry about that this time.

[Duck]

This nonsense about calling someone to take your kids away is truly evil.

[Moxie890]

Congrats Jenn!!!
You are not a monster at all. If you are, I am too! My little one was born not too long ago. I didn't tell my mom about my pregnancy, but some flying monkeys did. Her reaction, among other things, sent me for a loop and I went NC. Like you said, it's really nice not dealing with any of that while pregnant. Best wishes for the rest of your pregnancy and the birth of your little one!

[WomanInterrupted]

I wanted to double-check, because I'm a stickler for facts, so I consulted DH's D&D  manuals, "Fiend Folio" and "Monster Manual" - NO, you're not in there.   

Neither am I.  NO forum members are in either one!   

You are NOT a monster - you're a kind, conscientious, intelligent person with warmth and wit, who is just trying to put order to chaos, when faced with the challenges of an unBPD mother.   

You're very smart to realize you can't have a distant, casual relationship with your mom.  In PD  black/white world, you're either FOR her or AGAINST her and it's ALL or NOTHING - and she'll stop at nothing to get things back to the way they were, with her in total control and you living in perpetual fear of what she'd say or do next.

That's not living.  That's existing - and it's what your mom does, since nothing gives her happiness except inflicting trauma on you. 

If you were to tell her about your  due date or the baby's birth, I'm sure she'd have some kind of emergency about her cats *that she'd blame on you*, and demand you take her to the vet, hours after being released from the hospital - now with a newborn and TWO children who are seeing their mother being treated like dirt, insulted and *abused* in front of them.   

They're already seen enough.  They don't need to see more - and you don't need to put yourself in that position.   

Your story was chilling - she forgot to pay her electric bill because you had a baby!?!?   

I'd always wondered what the B in unBPD meant.  Borderline what? 

Pseudonym discovered it means *Borderline PSYCHOTIC.* 

Forgetting to pay her electric bill because she was so distracted (read:  angry and looking for a way for PAYBACK) about you having a baby (that she told you to abort, so you'd have more time for HER) and manufacturing some kind of stupid crisis, then summoning and  later telling you that you can't watch the dog because of your mental state - WTF  ISN'T psychotic about any of that!?!?!?!?   

Those two words - borderline *psychotic* - REALLY changed the way I looked at things that didn't make sense, because *they weren't meant to, to a normal person, steeped in REALITY.*

This is NOT somebody you want around your children - or you - and does not DESERVE to be called  "grandma."

She *needs* to be *left alone*  to do  whatever the hell it is she does, while you not only survive - but THRIVE!   

[blues_cruise]

Also, something crazy that I remembered today... after my son was born, when he was 3 days old my mother called me and told me her electric had been turned off because she was so distracted by me having a baby that she forgot to pay the bill. Therefore it was my fault that her electric was turned off. She wanted me to pay the bill and then come get her dog and bring her dog to my house so that he wouldn't get overheated until the electric was turned on. I tried to ignore her and she kept calling and threatening to have someone come check on me and take my kids away. So... I went to her house to get the dog with my two small kids, one being a newborn, and when I got there she said I wasn't in sound enough mental health to be around her dog! Then she accused me of being cold and callus towards my kids and threatened something or other...

That's absolutely horrific! I think that memory might have resurfaced for a reason and your brain is telling you to protect yourself from behaviour like that. I think she abandoned all rights to have any involvement in your life a long time ago.

[blues_cruise]

So, I chose not to tell her about anything this time. I have friends and family members who were very encouraging of me cutting down my contact with her, but even they think that my mother deserves to know she's going to have another grandchild. They seem shocked that I'm not planning to tell her.

Hmm, they're not the ones that have to deal with the repercussions though, are they? They haven't lived it.