Running away

[Ariel]

So whenever my family acts up I leave. So when my upd mom and upd sister act out , I realize I run away
I live 7 hours away, so this is a physical and mental distance
I try to eliminate contact. My neice wants to draw me in. Feels I should help. I can't deal with this or this crazy drama.  Am I wrong?

[Starboard Song]

It depends, right? But probably not.

You say that when two dysfunctional people, mom and sister, act out, you go home (not "run away"). Of course you do. I leave concerts that are too loud, parties that are too crazy, meetings that are too long. And I have a guess about what "acts up" means. I too would prefer an environment in which I can thrive.

Your niece thinks you should help out in some way. Of course she does: she doesn't have a way to get out.

If there were a real crisis and you could help, would you be there? If your sister were in a car accident and fighting for her life, would you be at the hospital round the clock, and supporting your niece? You would, wouldn't you? That means you are loving and kind: but it doesn't mean you have to endure constant crazy and fake crisis.

****

I stopped to go read your previous posts. Dear heart, you are a fixer. And your father has these issues and it is right and decent to want to help. I think you sound sweet and dedicated.

It is going to be a long road, perhaps, with your father's health, and there is too much undeserved and real sufferin for you to escape it all. I think it is time you read up and studied hard on Boundaries.

When we speak of boundaries, we do not mean fences or borders that control other people. We mean an expression of what you will or will not do, or engage with. Great boundaries don't even have t obe announced: you don't have to say "guys, from now on I will not..." You just do boundaries. Great boundaries can be enforced without a nuclear option. You trim your engagement and your communications without breaking things down. Great boundaries can make everybody happier, by training them all to their better angels.

There is so much you are willing to do for your family, but it has limits and conditions. If you think hard about what you will sign up for, but what minimum degree of civility, stabiility and sanity is required by you, you may be able to design an engagement pattern that lets you offer the help you can on terms you can live with.

I've said more than I should. But I feel your struggle. Good luck!

[coyote]

I'd say you are not wrong at all. I have a philosophy of only fighting those battles I can win. Between that and a philosophy I can only be hurt if I allow others to hurt me, I totally agree with avoiding situations where I can't win or might open myself to more pain.