My journey Out of the FOG

[IcanseeClearly]

Like many of you, my journey Out of the FOG started when I became a parent. All of the dysfunction I'd witnessed and dismissed my whole life came to the forefront, and i could no longer explain it away or ignore it.

When my husband and I decided to tell my parents I was pregnant, we did it on FaceTime. My mom looked subdued but pleased. That is until she asked how far along we were, when we said 12 weeks she looked very displeased. When we told her the sex, (female) she asked if we were sure. We were, as it was confirmed by ultrasound, and also chromosomes because we had genetic testing done. I don't know why I told her this, but throughout the pregnancy she continued to ask if we were SURE it's a girl?? I told her yes! We can't be any more sure. For the delivery, she announced she would be coming to stay with us, and when should she come. I gave her a date 1 week before the due date. She later said she was coming a month in advance, and staying 3 months. She later tried to extend her stay, but I finally put my foot down and said no, that DH's parents and family need to visit too, and they're already being delayed by 3 months bc she will be here. She made a passive aggressive joke then about staying in a tent in the yard so we can have space for everyone. When I repeated again that DH family deserves to visit the baby also she raged and snarled "WHAT DOES THAT HAVE TO DO WITH ME?!?" This was the first sign of overt aggression from her. The second occurred during a conversation about religion. I told her that she and my father were going to need to avoid religious topics and themes with our child, and that DH and I would introduce religious themes at a date and in a manner we saw fit. This turned into another rage with her questioning why she couldn't, what was so bad about their religion, and lots of circular conversations. It ended with her saying that she would not be respecting my wishes, that she will be incorporating religion with any child in her presence.

During the delivery of my baby, she slept throughout my whole labor (in my delivery room) when it was time for me to push, she didn't support me or hold my hand or leg. DH held one leg, and a nurse held the other. My mom stood at the foot of the bed behind the doctor, I literally had to tell her stay out of their way because i could see them getting annoyed walking around her. (She later would tell me how awful my hemmorhoids looked.) After the baby was born, we asked her to give us some privacy and she was pissed. Moping around with the silent treatment. She knew part of our birth plan was to have the first hour with the baby alone with just baby, me/hubby, and one nurse. She ignored our plan and had to be asked to leave. Also written in our plan was only one visitor at a time, and no cellphone calls in our room. She waited until DH's mom visited, did NOT leave to give us privacy, then made a cellphone call in our room and proceeded to talk very loudly. When we asked her to step out and let us visit privately she was again livid with silent rage. We were kept overnight, and she wanted to stay also in my hospital room. We called an Uber and sent her home, and guess what? More cold silent treatment because of her anger.

Our baby was born with a congenital issue. It was several months before the doctors were able to fully determine the extent, but basically it was something that made her extra susceptible to infection. The doctors told us that she couldn't be around ANYONE with contagious symptoms bc of the risk to the baby if she got sick. They told us that my mother couldn't be around because they'd observed her coughing. (An all consuming cough, uncontrollable, with convulsions that sometimes result in vomiting) I told them she's had that cough for years and it's not contagious. They said it didn't matter, because at any point she could catch a cold or flu and become contagious, and we wouldn't know until after she'd been coughing all around the baby. They basically told me it's my responsibility as a parent to protect my child and I needed to do this. They finally compromised and said she could stay/be around the baby but she needed to wear a mask *at all times*. When we were discharged we explained the medical necessity, and the reasoning behind the mask. It did not go over well at all. At first she kept "forgetting" to wear a mask and wash her hands around the baby. She'd forget constantly and we'd constantly remind her....but then she started arguing with us every time we'd remind her. These doctors don't know everything, we want her to wear a mask but yet the dog and cat are allowed in the house, she's the only one required to do this (she's the only one symptomatic!), lots and lots of circular arguments. I made the mistake of trying to reason with her. At one point when she "forgot" DH asked her to wash her hands and put a mask on, she stared him in the eyes and said "ok". Then continued to stare at him while she sat there doing nothing. He then asked "can you do it now?" And she just stared, then got up and left the room. Later on in his absence she raged at me saying just imagine, she's raised 4 kids and he barely has one and he expects to tell her what to do. I said YES! It's his child he's going to tell you what to do and not do with his child. Around this time, other patterns began to develop. My mom began spending more time locked away in her room downstairs/on the phone, refusing to spend time with us. At one point when I brought it up she told me we should just take "the child" and keep her in our room and shut the door because we'd ruined the experience for her. I explained that this is about the well being and safety of a newborn, and can't she put her own feelings aside for the sake of a newborn??? She said in response that the mask makes her feel hot and uncomfortable. Also around this time she started making jokes with DH about how he needs to do or not do something hypothetical or else she will "clobber him over the head". She was asked to stop making this statement as it's inappropriate, but she of course continued  repeatedly to do it while staring him in the eyes. She was also quietly telling me that I shouldn't met him become abusive (no sign of that), and that he's going to take our baby and leave me....I thought these statements were absolutely ridiculous, but I didn't recognize it as psychological warfare until our last fight. It was over her refusal to wear the mask. In that argument she told me that its because of her I'm even able to have a marriage in the first place, and when this is all said and done, baby and dear hubby will be the only family I have left. This was the moment the fog began to lift for me. I was able to tell her that the conflict is between me and her, and I asked why she's threatening to ruin my relationships with my father/siblings/extended family? I of course got no answer to that. That night she canceled my fathers and nephews airline ticket to see us. She also was telling me that my one brother who was planning to visit was pissed, that he wasn't going to be jumping through these hoops, that I'm not the first one to ever have a baby, and that he wouldn't be getting any vaccines before visiting. I got so mad I told her give me his flight info, I'll send him his money so that he could cancel his ticket too. That night she printed off his I itinerary, circled the cost, and gave it to me. (I fully intended to send him his money but I got sidetracked, more on this later)

Throughout all of this my sister, who I've since recognized as the scapegoat, reached out to me. Said she wanted to hear *from me * how I was doing and his things were going. I was so broken that I let my guard down. I told her things weren't going well, and that I wasn't sure what was going on with mom. I tried to explain everything. Then I learned that my mom had been trashing us to everyone who would listen. When I told DH, he admitted that he had heard her on the phone speaking very very badly about us. But had chosen not to tell me because he was trying to protect me from being hurt.

This was the end for me. I told my mom she needed to cut her trip short and leave.  She did lots of waifing and woe is her, and how I'm ungrateful, and she's cried enough over this etc. but I was determined that she leave. Even though I was on maternity leave I refunded her the money for her return ticket, as well as my father and nephews canceled tickets. (Out of the country so they were pricy) I did this to avoid any sense of obligation to her. She left two weeks after the birth of the baby

A month later, my brother came to visit....I'd never gotten around to telling him not to come. We all had a lovely time. At the end of his trip he told me he was scared to visit because she'd told him we were acting crazy and would treat him horribly etc. So she worked on me to cancel his trip, and worked on him to cancel his trip. By triangulating us

After she left she did in fact proceed to try to alienate us from our family. Saying absolutely horrible things. To everyone. She's even implied that our baby might be intersexed because she wasn't allowed to change diapers. And that she isn't sure what the gender is (even though she witnessed the birth) I confronted her about all of it. In detail. She lied through her teeth. Then demanded in different ways to know who told me. Even trying to trick me into revealing who told me. My answer is always the same. "You should know who you told this to, shouldn't you??" The fact is she can't pinpoint who did this because she's told the same lies to everyone! Multiple family members have confirmed this. Despite everything, the attack and lies about my baby is what it finally took for me to see clearly

While trying to decompress I discovered this site. And the techniques in the toolbox. It's been a year and a half since this happened. I will update shortly in the comments where were at now

[all4peace]

IcanseeClearly, I love your screen name and what it says about your journey!

This story is appalling. Absolutely incredible and horrible. I believe you, even though your M's behavior is unbelievable. I am so thankful for your, your marriage and your child that you and your DH are on the same page, have a trusting and supportive relationship and knew how to navigate this with a clear focus on protecting your little family. Many of us limp here to this site after tremendous damage has been done to our FOCs.

I look forward to reading more and to hearing more fully (if you decide to share) how your sibling relationships are doing. I have an uNBPDm who loves to smear and attempt triangulation, and so far our sibling relationships are holding strong. It often doesn't go that way and is tremendously helpful and comforting when it does.

[confuseddaughter]

My god, you poor poor woman. Your mother did her very best to try to ruin the birth of your first child. Such an amazing and important moment in your life. Did you even get time to bond with your baby, learn to breastfeed, etc etc with all her drama going on? You have the patience of a saint.

I look forward to seeing where you are now with your relationship with her.

[IcanseeClearly]

IcanseeClearly, I love your screen name and what it says about your journey!

Thank you All4peace
It was a very difficult time. DH and I survived but it was challenging. We both made mistakes in trying to protect each other from her (like him keeping secret what he overheard, and me with my denial and trying to downplay her abuse) I spent much of that time crying and confused to be honest. But the one thing she never did was plant doubt or suspicion between me and DH.

[IcanseeClearly]

My god, you poor poor woman. Your mother did her very best to try to ruin the birth of your first child. Such an amazing and important moment in your life. Did you even get time to bond with your baby, learn to breastfeed, etc etc with all her drama going on? You have the patience of a saint.

I look forward to seeing where you are now with your relationship with her.

She really did try to ruin it! I would later on learn that she behaved similarly when my siblings had children. (Visit, make it about her, criticize, sabotage, then leave early with animosity)

I was able to learn to breastfeed successfully, with the help of a lactation consultant that we went to for a few weeks. Our family unit was honestly in survival mode. We did our bonding after she left but it was definitely overshadowed by all that had happened

[LifeIsWorthLiving]

Wow. You and your hubby handled the situation really well. I feel like PDparents see their kids as their play things and can't handle us making our own decisions.

I don't have kids, but I saw how my parents treated my sister when she had kids and that clued me in to their abusive behavior.

[IcanseeClearly]

Where are we now
I reached out in real time to my
GC brother (not to be confused with the brother that visited me) to see if he had any insight on the behaviors of our mom. I did this because she'd been living next door to him and he would be the most likely to notice behavioral changes. He was as confused and bewildered as I was. So was our dad. They both expressed support for me. A few days later, after she'd spoken to them, the tables turned. My father transitioned to the flying monkey role, to get me to fall back in line. My GC brother became fully supportive of our mom, defending everything she'd done. He said lots of hateful things to me, and even said she had every right to say she can't swear on the gender of the baby, because she HADN'T changed any diapers had she??? That's how complete and insidious her control is

My scapegoated sister remained a consistent source of support. Looking back, she tried to tell me years ago about our mom. I'm ashamed to say I reacted similarly to how my GC brother is responding now. So in a lot of ways i deserved everything that has happened unfortunately. Anyway, my sister has been very supportive and we are slowly piecing together much of our family history

My other brother, the one that visited, has also been consistently supportive. He has been very damaged by our family dysfunction, and is less able to confront these things head on, but his support of me has not wavered. He is very very very  low contact with everyone except me

I now realize that we have all been very much abused. My story is not the worst that has happened. But because of the age difference between myself and my siblings (I am much younger), and because we were raised to not be close to each other or communicate freely with each other- our stories up until now were not shared freely. So these toxic patterns went mostly unnoticed

After my mom left, I eventually implemented low contact, medium chill and gray rock. The enmeshment ended. I stopped JADE-ing. I no longer participated in circular convos. I now only share info when it is beneficial to me and when I cannot be exploited or harmed by doing so. My baby had surgery to fix her congenital issue. I didn't tell my parents until after she recovered. My mom bombarded me with how worried she was, wasn't i scared?? How stressful it must have been etc. DH and I got pregnant with our second baby. I didn't share until well into our pregnancy. My moms response was to say how overwhelmed I must be to be pregnant again so soon?? ( 8 months post partum) she hopes I'm not feeling too sad about it??but she can imagine how difficult this must be, she's sure I regret doing this so soon, yada yada...i told her nope!
It was a wonderful surprise and we're so happy especially considering we had difficulty conceiving our first! i didn't share gender and I didn't share accurate due date. I gray rocked the hell out of it. I also remained noncommittal with my mother's requests to attend the birth (yes she is that bold to try this again)
Anyway baby number #2 arrived safely, and we enjoyed a blissful few days before even notifying mom/dad/GC brother.

My mom is now attempting to Hoover me saying they need to visit and my dad
*still* hasn't even met my first baby. Like that isn't her fault for canceling his ticket, and his fault for letting her. Not to mention the numerous times i begged him to come and tried to buy him a ticket here. But no he was always "too busy" which really means she forbid him. Meanwhile he's taken numerous trips out of the country and spent a total of 3 months visiting their GC....yeah I definitely see them clearly now. NpdM, and EnF. I still do feel grief and abandonment, and guilt for not being able to create the loving family that all children deserve- but my responsibility at this point is to enforce healthy boundaries and not allow my emotions to be exploited

[IcanseeClearly]

Thank you LifeIsWorthLiving!
     DH and I really just were lucky that we were strong enough. But yes, they do see us as objects to be manipulated and toyed with. With absolutely no regard for our well being!