Lost my grandma last night.

[etselec]

A text message from my estranged NPD Mother said: "Your grandma died last night".  I have been NC/ estranged for several years and saw my grandmother for a brief lunch last year. 

She was the only one in my family that ever made me feel safe and cared about.  To say I don't have regrets at this moment is an understatement.  To say I'm not devastated or that I'm released is absurd.  I knew this moment would come, but tried to avoid thinking about it.  What hurts the most at this moment is knowing yesterday I had made the decision to send my Grandmother a Mothers day email that I was thinking about her, and now I never can.  I didn't get to say goodbye or say I love you even though we have our differences which are big, because she would always stand by my mother because that is her child. 

Any advice is welcome. 

[SunnyMeadow]

I'm sorry etselec.

I wish I had some good advice for you. I think holding on to the memories of your grandmother making you feel safe and cared about is important right now.  I know you feel regret but keep in mind your caring grandmother had to know you loved her no matter what else was going on.

[Kiki81]

I'm sorry for your loss.

For me, I know we aren't promised tomorrow, so I know that when I see someone who matters to me and we say goodbye at the end of the occasion of event, it might be the last time, so make it count. You are probably younger than I am, so when you pass the ages of 40, 50, and 60, you start to lose people. It's never easy. I hope you feel some peace about this soon.

[etselec]

Thank you both for your response.  I'm actually 43 and losing my grandmother is akin to losing my mom because she was 39 when I was born.  She is the one that basically raised me and I spent every day with her growing up and into adulthood.  So it's misleading when I say grandmother, but really I lost my mom today.  My mom was only 18 when she had me and very much is in the spectrum of NPD.  I lost a lot of time with my grandmother these last few years because my mother made her choose between us.  Honestly, there are many losses, but this really is one my the most devasting to me in my life now even if you think 43 is too young to understand loss.  Not sure if you were minimizing it because of my assumed age or because I said she was my grandmother, but a loss is personal and no matter the age of the person or relationship it still hurts especially when you have regret and didn't get to say goodbye. 

[qcdlvl]

I'm sorry for your loss, etselec.

[appaloosa]

I'm sorry you lost someone so important to you. Could you go to a chapel, or quiet place in a garden and have a ceremony honoring her--just sitting quietly and telling her how much she meant to you, and how much you'll miss her? Perhaps plant something or make a donation to a charity she cared about. Sending a hug.