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[AloeVera]

I left my long term relationship early in the year. I tried to leave so many times but could never pluck the courage to actually go. I left because I knew the relationship was toxic, and that neither of us were happy. In our worst times we would go weeks or months without talking, at the longest we didn't talk for almost a year. I felt my partner was irrationally moody and made it out that it was because I was messy, untidy or I was moody (etc.) and targeted my insecurities as a reason for his bad behaviour. My doctor gave me tablets for anxiety, I was searching within myself for the answers, which I could not find. I felt so lost, lonely and confused. I felt like I was going insane, I just couldn't understand. In his worst, he lost (something) and after searching threw a chair across the room and then locked himself away, where he was talking through gritted teeth and swore at me to leave him alone. Then, I shouted at him that this behaviour wasn't on, and I wasn't standing for it. He was never affectionate towards me, only in the beginning. He never apologised to me, ever in our relationship. I could see other couples, that were so different to us, and that was a huge factor in me leaving.

Having left the relationship, I was solely blamed for everything. He never took responsibility for any of the wrongs, although he now accepts he was part of the issue. He told me he had been concealing the fact that he has suffered bipolar disorder and just decided to not tell me. Which of course, he blamed my guarded behaviour as the reason that he never told me. I've been in therapy since, and she tells me I have been emotionally abused, and gas-lighted. We talk about my ex-partner as having narcissistic tendencies and that his bipolar may actually be a personality disorder. He has not actually had a formal diagnosis, only consulted a GP thus far.

I find this so hard to comprehend and I'm shocked to think I was in an abusive relationship. I hate the term abuse and can't believe I let myself get into that situation. I feel like a fraud for calling my experience abuse because others have had such physically traumatising experiences. I feel like my family and friends will think I'm being dramatic, that they will dismiss it, and will not hear what I'm saying. This would hurt me so much, that I don't want to tell them. I'm feeling very isolated and overwhelmed. I want to talk to others who have suffered, just reading posts on here is a support. I don't know anyone that this has happened to, and can't find any f2f support groups near me.

[guitarman]

Welcome. You are not alone.

What a terrible experience you've been through for a long time.

I have an undiagnosed BPD/NPD sister. I didn't know that what I was experiencing for many years was abuse until a social worker pointed it out to me.

There are many types of abuse. Emotional neglect is abuse. Someone doesn't have to be physically violent towards you for you to experience abuse. Abusers are all about power and control. They need to find someone to be abusive to. That person or people then become their target of abuse.

The counsellor and author Kris Godinez who specialises in Narcissistic Abuse Syndrome says that "If it hurts it isn't love".

You may find her videos of help to you on her YouTube channel called "We Need To Talk with Kris Godinez". She gives live talks on there most Sundays.

guitarman X

[AloeVera]

thank you very much for your reply guitarman.

Its so nice to hear that I'm being heard, so thank you again. Sorry to hear about your sister, it sounds like a similar theme to my experience. Its all a lot isn't it

Im about to listen to Kris Godinez on youtube now, thanks again.

[darkbutterfly]

The behavior you describe is exactly how my father is. He gets angry out of the blue and then expects others to apologise to him even when having done nothing wrong. My mother used to play along when I was a kid and sent me to him to ,,say sorry cause I upset him".
My father is undiagnosed but I'm sure he has a combined paranoid & NPD.  My mom is needy & only knows life with him so she stayed with him, now both of them constantly telling us, their children, they "did it for the children". I wish they have divorced a long time ago.
I think psychological abuse is still abuse, no matter what. It doesn't mean it is not real if they don't hit you.

[AloeVera]

Thanks for your reply darkbutterfly.

It really helped me see I've made the correct choice in leaving, because it is difficult to remember that sometimes. I do really miss having a companion. It sounds difficult for you with your parents, your poor Mum, and worse that your stuck in amongst it all.
Sounds like you can see it all from a good perspective though.

[SeenTheLight]

Your post could have been written by me. I so understand what you're going through. I was (still am) married for almost thirty years. It took me a couple of years in therapy to acknowledge that what I was experiencing was abuse. Like you, I didn't feel right even calling it abuse because it wasn't physical. It didn't seem that bad. So many other people suffered from "real" abuse. But it is abuse. And no one should have to put up with it. I still don't refer to it as abuse when I'm talking to someone else.  I've only been able to acknowledge it to myself. And the silent treatment is the worst! We would also go through long periods where she wouldn't talk to me at all. Not nearly as long as you, but weeks at a time anyway. It got to the point that I was actually glad when she stopped talking to me. That's when I started realizing that I didn't want to live the rest of my life this way. I started thinking that if she wasn't talking to me, and she wasn't spending any time with me, then there really was no relationship at all.
My thoughts are with you - stay strong. Keep reading the posts on here - it really helps. I haven't posted anything for quite a while but I've still been reading things and it helps me to realize that I'm not alone in this - and neither are you.
My wife finally moved out and I've had a good six months or so of peace in my house. My kids chose to stay with me (they're teenagers) because they don't want to deal with her drama either. They've noticed a big difference since she left. The whole atmosphere in the house is different/better.     

[AloeVera]

Hello SeenTheLight, Thanks for your post.

So astonishing to hear we have the such a similar experience. I feel for you when you say you were glad in the end when your partner would just stop talking to you. I totally agree that I felt the same, that I couldn't live my life that way. No way.

I do like reading the posts on here, so much shared experiences, which make me realise over and over (sadly) that my ex has done the same as so many others.

Happy for you that you and your children are enjoying a drama-free life. Pleased for you. Its all confirmation that you've done the right thing.

[gettingstronger1]

AloeVera,

Hello and welcome to Out of the FOG.  We are glad you are here seeking support.     In my experience, this forum has been amazingly supportive and educational. 

I feel like a fraud for calling my experience abuse because others have had such physically traumatising experiences.

About 15 years ago, I also struggled with the concept of emotional abuse.  My PD mother and enabling father provided shelter, food, and an education.  They never hit me, so what could possibly be wrong?  Even so, I had a nagging feeling something was wrong.  In my 20's, when I started therapy I found out that my mother was emotionally abusive.  My doctor pointed out that there was a strong possibility that my mother had schizoid personality disorder. She frequently slut shamed me, gave me the silent treatment, and gaslighted me.  All of these things are examples of emotional abuse.

You don't have to be hit to be abused.  In my opinion, emotional abuse is just as serious as physical abuse. The scars are all on the inside, and the damage is severe and long term.  Emotional abuse can also be covert, so that makes it even more confusing.

Here are some resources that can help you get started in your journey of learning about what emotional abuse is.

-Healing the Scars of Emotional Abuse by Dr. Gregory Jantz
https://www.amazon.com/Healing-Scars-Emotional-Abuse-Gregory/dp/0800733231/ref=sr_1_16?crid=25CD4L4YLE2MB&keywords=dr+grego

Gas Lighting information (Another type of emotional abuse)  https://outofthefog.website/top-100-trait-blog/2015/11/4/gaslighting

Silent Treatment (Another type of emotional abuse)  https://outofthefog.website/top-100-trait-blog/2015/11/4/the-silent-treatment

I feel like my family and friends will think I'm being dramatic, that they will dismiss it, and will not hear what I'm saying.

This is a very legitimate concern.  Unfortunately there is a segment of the population that does not know what emotional abuse is nor do they realize that it is just as serious and damaging as other types of abuse.  That doesn't mean you have to tolerate it. On this forum, you will read a lot about how to set healthy boundaries.  Don't feel guilty about setting boundaries. Other people won't understand, but that is ok. You owe them no explanations of why you set healthy boundaries.

Keep reading and working on yourself and eventually the confusion will start to fade away. The journey of self discovery is very long but definitely worth it. Best wishes.

[roses]

Hi, I am a new member. I am in a relationship with a BPD for 36 years. He is my best friend. And ofcourse after all these years he made sure I have no other friends. We follow a weekly cycle. He is calm in the weekends. Monday he starts changing. By Wednesday or Thursday I have been so mentally and or physically abused that he calms down again during Friday.  We raised two children. They are young adults and I see them slowly changing into BPD's. Now I have three of them. I am deep in FOG. I am so glad I found you.

[AloeVera]

Hello Roses,

I am amazed that you have been in a relationship with BPD for 36 years! So deeply sad to hear the although you guys are close, you have been denied any friendship. So hard for you. Glad you see that you can recognise the patterns. It reminds me of the movie groundhog day. I imagine you, like the movie, have found your best way to navigate this behaviour. Well done you!
You say you are deep in FOG, but you sound like you recognise and understand. Thats progress, so don't be too hard on your self.
Do you have a plan? are you looking to coping mechanisms, or something more?

I have found such a support here already. Its such a relief to find others and create a community.
Keep in touch.