Into and advice please

[Nat4217]

Hi guys, I decided to join this group and seek advice as I'm feeling like
My thoughts are constantly focussed on my in laws and sister in law.

Any feedback and advice welcome. I have been with  my partner (now husband ) 10 years . His mother always done things to annoy me, she was very charming at the start but my parents both warned me after various meeting with her that she may be dangerous, they came to this conclusion as every conversation she turns to her, she's insensitive, talks for both my husband and her husband, favours my sister in law over my husband and this was very clear to see to my parents, once they pointed it out I started to notice it.

She done things like go and purchase a new engagement ring when we got engaged, buy a new car before we got ours to show off, purchase things we talked about and copy a lot of what I do, wore etc.

She has never been nasty to my face just self centred, intensive , bully my husband (he has no voice when she's around) but I accepted it and it didn't bother me too much.

The sister has always been weird, she's an exact replica of her mother. I've tried for years and she's not been interested in establishing any relationship with me and puts on a show - again, it's hurt me but I am a happy, bubbly and outgoing person and don't need her so was getting on with things

I had a baby 7 months ago and it's supposed to be the happiest time
Of my life but it's been the most stressful.

I had an emergency  section and struggled after the birth, my FIL made some insensitive comments and I was very hurt, I brought it up with my
Husband who said he would speak to him and he let it go on for weeks (he works work his dad and sees him each day) this hurt me more. I began to release that my husband was scared to confront his father; he eventually did and his father reacted badly and never apologised, this made our home life  suffer as I felt my husband didn't stand up for me, it was also so uncomfortable when the visited and the atmosphere was terrible.

I am a "get it all out on the table" type person, get it sorted and move on and my husband and his family tend to sweep things under the carpet and have no communication; I began to slowly realise that the mother is a narcissist, father enabler and he is the scape goat with the sister being the golden child (she moved in with the parents with her son and doesn't lift a finger and gets everything )

His parents visited less and less and we eventually asked them down to discuss the atmosphere and recent comments so we could all move on and all enjoy our new baby

When we asked them to come down the dad said he'd need to speak
To the mum and get back to us, eventually said they weren't coming down to be "dictated to" I explained I wanted to have a cup of tea and a
Chat and he got aggressive on the phone and said no way, his feelings were hurt for me accusing him of comments and he was too angry !

I said if they didn't come I was finished with them; they Came down and sat like absolute children not saying a word,
I done the talking and asked why he made the comments and explained he hurt me; what hurt me more what the fact that after being told how much he hurt me, he never apologised

He said he didn't feel he had to and he didn't mean it so no need to apologies. We went round in circles and my husband brought up that they rarely
Visit and it was hurting him

His mother doesn't work and said that she did visit but I was never in (lies)  my husband said that he felt she made no effort with our son and he wanted them to have a relationship, I explained she can have him anytime; we could
Go out and do stuff, I could drop him off to her - anything that worked

Weeks passed and nothing, no contact,
Not interested

My husband was hurting and upset and approached  them  about it, the mother full of false promises saying she'll try etc - nothing again just 10 min visits late at night

We were constant going
Over it and me getting frustrated and seeing more and more fear in him to talk to them

We approached it together as my husband was broken man and the mother acted like a
Total baby saying it was all her fault she'll try


Again - nothing

In a desperate bid to try and make things work I asked her to take my son for few hours, when I left she called me after 10 mins to come back and when I went in my son was in a state and wouldn't calm
Down

He was strange and didn't know her

After this it went back to her not bothering and my husband slipped back into a broken man but too scared to talk

Finally he spoke up and told them
How much they were hurting him and she said she's been busy, when I asked doing what ? She said cleaning her house, I said to her why you have a cleaner and she stormed out

We refused to go on Christmas Day as we didn't want to "put on an act" as they didn't make any effort

After this they started to but I felt it was forced, I felt uncomfortable
In my own home and there is so many awkward silences

My husband doesn't speak up and just sits

I was willing to be civil, have  a bath when they come in, make dinner and leave them to spend time with my son because it was getting to the stage I was so resentful I couldn't look at them

THEN my son was diagnosed with a tumour and they started to smother us with visits and act like the perfect grand parents !!!!

Now the worst part, my SIL did not text about my son when he got diagnosed, she didn't call, visit -
Nothing

My husband hasn't been right for months and now the news about my son had put major stress on us but his sister not contacting us has been a blow to him and we don't know why

He asked his parents and as his dad always sits on the fence said he didn't want anything to do with it and the mother said "she's got a lot on her plate"

Really ?

She doesn't work, cook,
Clean, no money worries

I am so angry that they even said this to my husband and haven't considered his feelings

I now cannot look in their direction

I'm
Filled with hatred and my husband says nothing,
We are
Constantly fighting anojt it and he's now admitted he's been bullied all his life and never had a voice

He can see all I see and said 100 % agrees with me that the situation is mental and every week there's a new drama

I don't think I can take anymore, my stomach In knots at the thought of them coming to our house; my husband does not set boundaries with them
And they walk all over him.
I am full of resentment and feel like I'm standing back and watching them repeatedly hurt the man I love but at the same time want him to stand up to them and tell them NO when it needs said

We are going round in circles as he's hurting but won't talk to them

So sorry for long post but I wanted to include everything

[guitarman]

Welcome. You are not alone.

I have an undiagnosed BPD/NPD sister.

So sorry to hear about your son. I hope that he gets well soon. That must be so stressful for you and your husband to cope with. You don't need any other stress in your life.

My first reaction to reading your post is why would you want these people in your life? It seems you are much better off without them!

Your parents seem to have fears about your mother-in-law and a gut feeling about her.

However I know that you want people to be civil and not be abusive towards you and treat you as you would treat them. Unfortunately not everyone is like you.

Your husband's family seem to have no insight into their abusive behaviour and you are the one person who is pointing it out, upsetting their family system and dynamics. So it's no wonder that you and your husband become the scapegoats. They have to have someone to blame.

Whatever happens please stay calm. You can't change anyone else's behaviour you can only control and change your own.

They are probably nothing like the family you were brought up in so are nothing like the people you expect them to be. That is people who treat you with care, respect and dignity. If it hurts it isn't love.

You may find the talks by the author and counsellor Kris Godinez interesting. She specialises in Narcissistic Abuse Syndrome and how targets of abuse can cope better.

She gives live talks most Sundays on her YouTube channel called "We Need To Talk with Kris Godinez". I have found her very helpful.

Keep calm. Keep strong. Keep posting.

You are definitely not alone here.

Guitarman X

[Nat4217]

I would like to add that what's driving me insane the most is that they act like NOTHING has happened ! It's not normal, we are sweeping everything under the carpet including the SIL horrific behaviour.

It's like we are all acting and I honestly feel like I can't do it anymore

Do they realise what they are doing ???

[NumbLotus]

If you wouldn't mind sharing, what slecifically are you and your husband arguing about?

You feel he is not standing up for you?
And he is feeling that it doesn't work and he doesn't want to go through all that pain for nothing? He feels between a rock and a hard place?

Knowing that he cannot control or change his family, what actions do you want from HIM?

Yes, acting like nothing happened is standard in a disordered family. In normal relationships, you would communicate and work things out. In a disordered relationship, working things out is not on the menu - you must comply or there will be hell to pay. Pretending like it didn't happen is the break you get from the hell to pay. You either play along or you unleash hell again. After a while you get tired and welcome the break and are willing to play along.

[Nat4217]

Thanks numboutus

We are arguing because he doesn't have a voice, for example when I asked him to talk to his father about the comments he made that really hurt me it took him weeks, I know he was so scared to do it.

When he was hurting when his mother never took any notice of our son (he's still hurting btw) he was petrified to say anything to her, he has a fear to talk up to his mum dad and sister

When we moved in together he said he's never been happier and said growing up was terrible

He knows this and admitted he's scared and I've said I'll back him 100 % I'll be there and they can't actaully hurt him, we are in the safety of our own home and it's ok but he just can't do it

We were arguing this week as they turn up for a flying visit at 7pm when our
Baby goes to bed at that time and on two occasions we have kept him up to be nice, they make him hyper and he won't go to bed, they sit for an hour or two - everything it to suit them always

Now when they visit after their comment about his sister "having a lot on her plate" after she hasn't got in touch about my son being so sick I cannot look at them, I'm a wreck in my own home as I'm so so angry and dread the visits as I just say hi, pleasantries and go upstairs and my stomach in knots the whole time, everything has built up for last 7 months and they all act like we are best friends

I feel like they are condoning her
Behaviour and haven't considered my husbands feelings again

So, when they have left after these evening visits we are both dumb struck as to why they would visit so late when we have made it obvious that he goes to bed

I have asked my husband to talk to them about it had he won't do it

Another example about why we are arguing is

His sister had not been in touch when my son got diagnosed with a tumour, we were all never close but I take her son a lot, he's a joy and he's my only nephew, we used to be in contact a lot about kids (well me in touch with her about getting her boy) but civil and pleasantries

Since my son got diagnosed - nothing, not even text us

Now; I know she's selfish and but this is a whole new level, so she's now deleted us and my family off social media and his parents are acting like nothing had happened and day by day it's gettong weirder and weirder as there's a massive elephant in the room

Since my sons been born it's just getting more and more awkward

My husband has told them that our son will not be going to their house as long at his sister is living there as he's appalled at her behaviour

They have said they don't want anything to do with it and they can see that but she's got a lot on her plate

Now - my husband is in a panic as it's his sisters birthday this week and he seems to think that his parents will not be happy if he doesn't Get her a card or say happy birthday, he thinks they will be angry and mention it

What the hell ?!!! I will not be one bit surprised if it does happen but I know my husband will be too nice about it when really he needs to make a stand and explain to his dad that this has been that most challenging few weeks of our lives with our sick baby, we needed support from our family,
Not drama

His sister had caused a Mahmoud family rift for no reason at a terrible time of worry and stress and we haven't had one but of support from
Them, instead they are sitting on the fence

I just feel I want him to make a stand as they don't treat him well at all, or us

I really want to break contact with them as it's messing with my head

My husband says he totally understands and wouldn't blame me at all

Really don't know what to do

[NumbLotus]

You want to break contact. And your husband understands this.

How does he feel about both of you breaking comtact together?

[Nat4217]

I don't think he's ready for that to be honest, he wants to go and talk to someone to get to grips with how it's been all his life as he only now realising how bad this is

I feel like it may take my husband a long time to stand up to them and in that time I don't feel like I can continue to ignore or put up with their behaviour

When I say  every few weeks there's a new drama I mean it, now I've had my baby I have less patience and feel life's too short to spend my time being anxious, worried and helpless, also angry that my husband doesn't stand up to them

If I cut them out he can carry on

I just don't know if it's the right thing ??
X 

[guitarman]

It would be good for your husband to see a counsellor. He needs to work on his own self esteem first. He needs to talk about his feelings more.

I know it's not easy. Over decades I have learnt to stay calm and set boundaries. I'm still learning how to behave differently and not get on someone else's emotional rollercoaster with them. I can so easily get all my buttons pushed and I could react in an angry, aggressive way which is just what my abuser wants me to do, but I stay calm instead.

You both seem to need professional support so that you can cope better, especially that your circumstances have changed with your new baby. You need to have a better future for all of you.

We all need to have the willingness to change and learn to do things differently. By educating ourselves about PDs we can. There is lots of support from other people on this forum going through similar but different situations. It takes time but hopefully your family can all lead a more peaceful life in the future without all the stress and dramas.

Guitarman

[treesgrowslowly]

Hello and welcome and congratulations on your new journey as a new mum.

I agree with and second everything guitarman has offered here so far. I am sorry you are going through this.

To answer your question - do they know what they are doing?

No. They don't. People with personality disorders are disordered. They have an ingrained, deeply fixed set of traits.

What happens is that we -the nons - find our way to grey rock and not JADE and decide on our level of contact -  LC or NC (no contact). We use the strategies in the Out of the FOG toolbox. We decide what we will allow and what we will not allow for ourselves and our children.

I am sorry but what you see and describe are familiar to us who have NPD parents, and these are dysfunctional dynamics that require you to make decisions you probably never planned for in your marriage or family. There is help and support and information to help you through this.

Trees