Help with my son asked

[Marianne]

I wasn't really sure what topic to post in. I'm so desperate at this moment.

I have had an odd childhood. My family seemed perfectly loving so many times. But there were also many weirdnesses. I was the scapegoat. I was sexually abused by an uncle and got scared for a while. I also started to ask questions and stand up for people in the family. And against my mother, if she bullied me or someone else. I was told over and over how horrible I was. I grew up thinking I was so flawed. I was disconnected from myself and only had relationships with narcisstic or psychopathic men (in retrospect, others have warned me at the time seeing the pattern too). I didn't feel good enough for normal men.

In 2010 I got pregnant unplanned. I quit the relationship, but tried to involve my ex with his kid. He was variably sweet and abusive. When he started to covertly bully my newborn to elicit a response from he, I quickly decided this was not okay. I sought help, that he manipulated (he literally admitted to that). I got terrified, all the past experiences came up. I had to fight for 3 years against CPS to protect my kid. They said: "a sociopath can be a nice dad too".

I became so traumatized that I even had psychoses. In these, the fear of my family came up. I went back and forth all the time. Some periods I thought my family was perfect and I was to blame. My family was relatively okay to me in such periods. I could see my kid, but more as a "activity partner" than a mum. I fought for him, but in all the wrong ways. They manipulated me deeply. And towards him and the outside world, they were the rescuers. Where I was the scapegoat, he was more...enmeshed with them. And I was the bad guy, because I got triggered all the time. I hate myself for it.

After my mum died everything that happened came up. And my dad changed from enabler to do-er. He said he would play nasty games over my kids head and I wouldnt even see through his games. And he was right. I couldn't believe he was so bad, because in some periods he would also support me. In the period after he manipulated me deeply, manipulated my kid, and told my brothers that I was mean and manipulative. I lashed out in total pain after this, which only proved to them it was all true. He would bully and threaten me on the phone. And then - I heard afterwards from my kid - let my kid listen in when I was angry...and changed his tone to supersweet. So that my kid concluded I was the bastard.

I had several psychoses, every time I got out of denial, I got so scared after, that I crashed.

He now plays the rescuer that needs to protect my kid against me. He refuses to let me see him unless in his home, a few hours a week (which is not what the MH team thinks is good). I have custody, but he takes all the decisions. He even planned a whole vacation of three weeks with my kid, without even informing me. He says he sees no reason to inform me. He can twist everything so that he looks great and I the mean guy....even in this case, he had a beautiful victim-story ready when someone overheard him. And I am stupid and let him elicit responses in me. Which he uses to convince others I am bad and he good. Because I'm visibly distressed, scared, angry.

My kid totally withdraws from me. I'm scared. I miss my kid. But that isn't even what it is about. I am scared that my kid will lose his connection to himself, and needs to be enmeshed with my dad. At this point I don't even "care" whether my kid has a relationship with ME... I'd love to, but even if he has another safe person to genuinely connect to, that's fine by me.

I tried to talk a bit with my kid about some things. But it only makes me look stupid in his eyes.

CPS got involved now. The child therapist told them there is a systemic problem (after I told her it was okay to report), but she clearly didn't see through my dad's games. CPS now listened to her, I accidently found out they listened to my father. But they didn't even call me yet. I had to call them myself. And I heard by their tone, they weren't even really interested in my side of the story ("I think it is important to hear my side of the story as well"/"well, you can quickly tell it on the phone now?").

I'm desperate. I don't even know what to believe anymore. Sometimes I think I'm really the bad guy in all this, I am the narcissist. I did catch some serious fleas (e.g. a mean way of fighting back out of despair, but only to my family). I tried to look at myself for years, but as long as I see my kid slipping away, I can't heal.

Help. What to do.

My kid withdrew into himself. I can't reach him. I hate myself. I am so pissed off at my family. My kids wants to see me only when my dad is there (because otherwise it is sad for granddad). I don't know anymore how to heal my kid, heal myself, protect my kid.

I fought so hard to escape from one manipulator...and fled right back to the other. My heart cries over my kid. I'd love to be a better mum for him. But even if he forever hates me, that's okay. As long as he will not flee into the total dissociation and disconnect all of our family, including me, fled into.

Please please please help.

[Penny Lane]

Hi and welcome.

I am so sorry you had to be here but I'm glad you found us.

I hope you have a good lawyer and your own therapist.

I have to admit that, not having been in your situation, I'm a little at a loss on what to do. But I can feel the pain in your post and I am so, so sorry for what you are going through.

I'm going to share some general advice that I've gleaned from watching my husband go around and around with his ex. Take anything that's helpful and leave the rest. I hope others with more applicable experience will chime in.

It helps to enforce the custody rules to a T. If you have to go through court, it is worth investing in a good lawyer even if you don't feel like you can afford it. You are buying yourself peace for years to come.

If you can't "win" in court (or you achieve a hollow victory) it helps to focus your energy on what you can control, develop your relationship with your child and work on equipping them with the tools to be resilient.

I think the book Divorce Poison might help you. It can be bleak at times but it'll give you real strategies for dealing with this.

[hhaw]

M:

What struck me about your post is your ability to grasp the larger pieces of your situation and make sense of them.

You're smart and capable..... you NEED TOOLS and strategies to process your trauma to stop/limit the reactivity your father depends on to control and manipulate you and the situation with your children, IMO.

Reactivity is when your brain goes down very familiar pathways BEFORE you have a chance to notice them.  Usually it's fight, flight, fawn or freeze.

Once we're able to notice what's going on (and it's apparent you've noticed the pattern) it's possible to create a split second BEFORE traveling down the old pathways without choice.

I really want you to have more choice, M and hope you have access to a Trauma Informed Therapist (hopefully with Buddhist leanings,bc those people are doing their own work and have an easier time keeping their ego and expectations OUT of the Therapist/client relationship, IME.)

Once you discover how to calm your Nervous System which is your fight or flight/survival/reptilain amygdala brain....
you'll cultivate access to your frontal cortex/higher thinking/reason/logic/creative pro solving brain, which is SUPER important to move you out of the situation you're in, IME.

The good news is....as you learn and practice new coping strategies.... you have the opportunity to model them for your son.

I wish you luck finding a good Therapist and will leave you with the instructions my therapist gave me during our first appointment:

1.  Drop all judgement... just.... about EVERYTHING.  Drop the good, the bad and the happy and the sad and replace judgment with CURIOSITY.  Just.... begin to notice what's really there... what you're thinking, what you're doing and why.  I found keeping a journal helped, but you do it your way.

2.  Be super duper kind to yourself.  I mean.... it won't happen overnight,but extend tsunamis of self compassion, like you're caring for a young child....be THAT kind to yourself, M.  If you can't be kind to yourself, go back to noticing it and dropping judgment aound it.  There's layers to healing and this is just a step in that direction.  Trust me.... you can do this.

3.  Drop all expectation about what's supposed to happen,about what you NEED to be true, etc.   I know how difficult that is when your child is at risk, but you have a choice between worry worry worrying...

OR.....


doing what you can in the moment, and turning toward being the good things in front of you now.

Being OK means you do something you enjoy, something joyful, hopefully practice self care..... it means you stop worrying into the future, you stop ruminating about the past and you root yourself in the here and now. 

Just relax into acceptance of what is and breathe,M..... slowly... deeply.... filling your lungs from the bottom to the top, like a vase.  Give yourself the gift of breathing as a habit when you're upset,bc it's one part of cultivating that split second you need to discern new choices and drop the old patters that no longer serve you.

A therapist will give you more tools and help you practice, but I invite you to do some research and figure out what makes sense to you..... EMDR, memory reconsolidation, walking meditation like walking slowly so each part of your foot feels like it's kissing the earth... SO many options available to help you learn to calm your Nervous System, overcome the biochemical hijack your father exploits to bait you into reacting to him.

I'm glad you came to this forum.  There are many tools available, along with many posters who understand what you're going through.

You're not broken or crazy.  Your father is disordered and you can learn how to persist and overcome his manipulations.

Good luck, M.

[Marianne]

Thanks you both, thanks.

I'll try and apply what you wrote, it is useful. I will order the book. And I think first thing is getting my worrying and fight/flight responses under control. These harm my kid too, and can be used against me, and I feel ashamed about them. They make me just like them. While I think my dad carries a part of the responsibility for purposefully eliciting them...he won't take this responsibility. So it's on me to take my responsibility and at all cost get my reactivity under control. For my kid. No matter how many buttons are being pushed.

I'm just so sad at this moment. I see how my son is hurt both by my actions and my dads. I'm afraid he just can't recover, because he feels unsafe with us, and there is no room to process everything if you are in an unsafe situation. I'm afraid of losing him, or already having lost him. And I'm afraid because I see how badly he is hurt.

I decided to get over my frustration with my dad for a few days though. He took my kid on a three week holiday without any discussion. I could visit him for three days, and I did. We spend time doing some fun things. My kid really wanted to spend time with the three of us...I think he wants it to be well between us. I did a bit of that, but also forced a few moments with him alone...even if it felt bad forcing that. Being happy to my dad just feels weird. He was kind now. But because of what I saw the last years, I know it is just a show.

There were a few good moments with my kid too. We joked and played. We watched a movie together and he curled up against me by himself, which was lovely. I also had a little conversation with him over the dishes, not sure if I did well or not...we talked about feelings. We talked about knowing your own feelings. And I invited them to share them with me, if he felt safe. I said if he felt sad, angry, anxious...that was okay too, and he could tell me. I told him as a kid I got away from my own feelings and didn't express them, and then I had to learn to do that again. I wish I had some guidance in how to deal with this. I’m not sure if I did right with this.

And there were a few bad moments. One night I got totally fearful, after son got to sleep. I just don't understand...my dad wasn't like this before. After mum's death, he turned totally manipulative and sadistic. I never saw him like that before. It's shocking. I have also wondered if maybe he is just totally depressed. It's crazy-making to see someone switch like this. He was an enabler, always...but this?! I never saw him like this.

I'll try to think of what to do now. Not in the past. Not in the future.

I'm just a bit heartbroken still. Over losing my dad. And over losing my illusions. And most of all over not being able to reach my kid anymore. I hate myself for being such a bad mother.

There's also a moment suddenly coming up...it feels like my parents were always breaking our bond. Can't explain. There was this moment where I put my son to bed at my parents place. Son started to share his feelings, share that he was sad, cried. He hardly ever did, so I wanted to have attention for it. I crawled in bed with him and comforted him. I sang to him, we prayed. For some reason, my mum felt superthreatened by this. She walked in and out of the room. With stupid excuses (needing to put away laundry, etcetera). She told my son a billion time to go to sleep. I mean...come on though...a little boy who hardly has time with his mum and seeks comfort with her...and thus takes 15 minutes more to go to sleep...and you start to ruin this moment?!? Why?

It saddens me...it feels like they succeeded in breaking us both, and breaking the bond between us. Why would you want to do that to your child and grandchild? And how can people who act loving so often, at the same time do such things? And not reactive, but by actively scheming.

[notrightinthehead]

Your child deserves a healthy parent. How about you make your healing your priority?  Get your feelings and your thoughts to a calm state. Stop ruminating about why others do what they do/did.  Just accept that this is what happened and this is how they are. You have no control over that. Rather concern yourself with your own behaviour, you can control that. Become the best parent you can be, become the healthiest, most grown-up in your kids life. 

[hhaw]

M, it looks like you still have a very strong bond with your son and I'm so glad you can feel that in your body and Nervous System. 

Mourning the loss of your father.... that's going to take some professional help, IMO.  It's tied to many traumas and losses.... and it's throwing you into fight or flight response, pretty regularly.  That's working against you and your mission.... to bond with your son, build a lasting healthy relationship and have more time with him while limiting chaos your father inflicts on you and the mother/son bond.

Maybe put that piece of your life on hold for a bit..... accept it for what it is... broken, confusing and impossible to make sense of and put it on the shelf for now.   While you're putting it down...maybe pick up a few rules around how you speak to and about your father in front of your son.  This will help you BE a trustworthy and safe person in your son's life, BTW.

1.  Always speak in respectful tones, choose your words carefully, don't name call, finger point or get dragged into emotional discussion.

2.  Never say anything negative about your fathr to your son.  You can validate son's and your own facts and feelings, but don't name call or say negative things, if you can help it.  Say "When Grandad did __________ it made me feel ___________. "  No name calling or judging or demanding your son agree with you, kwim?

You have other things to focus on, like your son and that bond.  I really loved how he snuggled with you and you tuned into his need to have both you and his grandfather in his life and getting along.  I think that's very true, no matter what.... your son will want you/his mom in his life and actually need you, no matter how angry or distant he acts.  You're right, your son wants to feel and BE safe.  You can create and hold that space, even if your father continues to fail.... you have the choice to be a safe person for your son

Figuring out what to do with your own emotions, while your son navigates his, is super important, IME.  It's good you're thining ahead on that. The book THE PARALLEL PROCESS gives very pointed and relatable advice/information/strategies for this, IME.  As you learn to deal with your big emotions, you're modeling it for your son and he learns too!  That's a win win, M!  By anyone's definition, yup yup yup.

In the meantime...breathe... just keep breathing deeply and whenever you find yourself feeling anxious or upset.

Resist ACTING and DOING things to move yourself out of discomfort short term.  Usually old patterns dictate we do things that create more problems long term, so just learn to sit and notice what's going on for you. 

1.  Notice where, in your body, you're feeling the discomfort/pain/tension, etc.  Put your hands on it and name it.  (Sharp, dull, piercing, buring, etc) 

2.  Give the discomfort a number from 1 - 10..... and breathe into it.  At least 5 to 10 times....focus on the pain while filling your lungs from the bottom to the top, like filling a vase. 

3.  Check the pain.  Is it the same?  Is it better?  Is it gone?  If it improved, go back to breathing into it again, 5 or 10 times, then check and repeat till it's gone OR stops improving.

4. If it stops improving, find a place in your body that feels neutral and breathe into it 5 or 10 times. If you;re too upset to do that, get up and push on the doorjamb with everything you have....and breathe into it.   The body NEEDS TO ACT when it's shut down in survival mode.  It THINKS you're in mortal danger and releases all the chemicals to shut down frontal cortex brain and MOVE YOU OUT OF DANGER with economy of motion....no thinking allowed.  In fact, I find tryingto think my way out of fight or flight survival mode makes things much worse, every time.  It's a process to STOP, get still.... breathe and move myself out of fight or flight through what feels very counter intuitive, bc my Nervous System honestly believes I'm being chased by a tiger! 

If we breathe calmly.... our brains KNOW we aren;t being chased by a Tiger... can't be chased by a tiger in that moment.  We have a chance to check in with ourselves.... ARE we in mortal danger?  CAN WE DO anything to move outselves out of it? 

Sometimds simply checking in with our reality is enough to begin the calming process.

Ask yourself...
Am I safe?  If you are, there's a choice to make a cup of tea and walk outside with it...notie the trees and the grass and the sound of the birds...... and enjoy your tea while contemplating things like....
you're the sky and your problems and emotions and father are the clouds and storms.... they'll pass, but you're still the sky and you'll always be blue and spacious no matter what the clouds and storms are doing... even if you can't see all the spaciousness and blue.... it's always there.

One trick to getting out of an angry hate spiral is to stop thinking about it for 90 seconds.  It WILL GO AWAY.

Another good trick for setting yourself up for a calmer day is to turn the water as ciold as you can stand at the end of every shower.  It engages your Parasympathetic Nervous System (PNS) which is responsible for turning OFF your fight or flight surival mode/Nervous System (NS.)

Feel free to keep or throw out any suggestion in my posts.  Anything you pick up and practice should make sense to you, M.

Everyone's journey is differen and again.... I so admire your ability to notice and identify things going on around and inside of you. 

You're capable of cultivating more choice, more joy and more healing for yourself and I see you striving for it in every post, (((M.)))  That's half the battle, IME.

[Marianne]

Thanks, both.

I really try making my healing priority. I've begged for help from the MH and CPS system for ten years. When I didn't get it, and they only made it worse, I tried to heal myself. I was so fragmented, so dissociated, had no words for what was happening. I taught myself new skills, like setting boundaries in good ways or understanding and expressing feelings or seeking out kind rather than destructive people around us or trying to learn how to mentalise. 

I also tried everything I could think of to better the relationship with my parents. Nothing worked.

Only now I see through my dad's scheming. He doesn't want the same thing I do. He doesnt want me healed and my kid and I to have a loving bond. I needed to cut him off, to be there for myself and my son.

I'm terrified, because while I was trying to reach my dad, he set out a game that makes him look great and me crazy. I'm cornered. I will try to calm my fears. I indeed will not speak badly of my dad. I recently lashed out (after two months of responding kindly to his bullying) and my son and our relationship was hurt. I will try all the calming techniques you are speaking off.

I really want to heal for my kid, I just really don't know how to at this moment. The whole situation just became clearer in my mind, when I accepted my dad doesn't want us to be well. It explains everything. But it's a lot to deal with.

[notrightinthehead]

Have you looked at 12 step programs, especially Co-Dependency in your area? It might be beneficial for you that, as an emergency measure, every time your mind wanders to your dad and his schemings, you stop yourself and bring your thoughts back to yourself and your own behavior, plans, and what you can do to live a healthy, productive life.

[Marianne]

I don't know if we have a 12-step program, but I applied for something similar here, to get rid of this co-dependency stuff. It will start after the summer holidays. I also asked my MH team and social work to help with this. And I actually stopped that response in other relationships (or cut people off who didn't accept a healthy relationship).

Thanks for pointing this out. I do realize me freaking out over my dads behaviour and staring at him in total fear isn't very helpful to my kid either, to say the least.

I'm not really sure though...perhaps you want to help me see this better? I know I need to change myself, which is in my control. I tried and got stuck with that though, because I was slipping back into denial and dissociation all the time. So I feel the need to look into my family system too at this moment.

I think my reasoning is, that if I understand what happenend and find words for that...I can better help myself and my kid. Defend us. Improve my own responses. Anticipate what my dad wants and does and respond better... the healthy responses often make things worse for my kid. I can explain to the CPS and mental health system what is happening, so they may stop harming us and start helping. I can integrate this into my life story, so my psychological issues get less...because something that is "owned" doesn't come hunt you as much in inconventient ways. And I can stop falling back into denial, whenever there is a moment of kindness.

Maybe I also hope, deep down, that if I find a better response, the good and kind and honest part of my dad will magically come out again. Which is obviously co-dependent behaviour. But I still wish to.

Is there a way to do this, without actually figuring out wth happened in our family and feeling through that? Not instead of my own inner work, but as a part of that?

Feedback is welcome...I'm trying hard to figure out what to do...and really don't know.

[Marianne]

What also makes it hard...my dad had a lot of stress and fear...over my trauma, over my mum's death. He was not like this before. There were unhealthy patterns in my family. But not this. The calculated manipulation and destruction and games he did the last 2.5 years, I have never seen in him. It scares me because I wonder what is going on. Was this always in him? Or did I cause this by being a traumatized mess? Can someone develop a personality disorder later in life, in response to trauma? Is there a way to turn that back off?

I genuinely wonder if the way is to cut off my dad and work on myself only. Or if I need to be very gentle, understanding and mild... so that he may get out of this fortress of defense mechanisms again.

I understand I need to work on my part. But I also want my dad back. He wasn't like this. I love my dad, and I wish for him to be his old self again.

[justducky]

Marianne, you've been to hell and back. Your strength, insight, and compassion are tremendous! *hugs*

I genuinely wonder if the way is to cut off my dad and work on myself only. Or if I need to be very gentle, understanding and mild... so that he may get out of this fortress of defense mechanisms again.

You are not responsible for your father. He's a grown man. If he wants help, he can get it. I understand that you miss the old him and want him back. It is highly unlikely to happen.

You are responsible for yourself and your son.  You are doing a great job of staying connected with him and keeping your bond going.

Please try to focus on your own healing and caring for your son. IMO it's best to assume that your father will not change. Expect him to continue being nasty and scheming. With that in mind, what boundaries do you need to keep yourself and your son safe?

[hhaw]

((M)) You have some very important choices to make, IME.

Decide what your priorities truly are.

I see your plate is very full.
You're overwhelmed and undersupported. 
Your father, who should be your protector, is undermining you, sabotaging you for reasons that might include his feeling defensive.... you don't have to figure that out NOW, IMO.

You can't know for sure why your father is behaving this way.  You can accept that he is and let it be, for now.

You can't control your father's behavior, only your behavior, so please shift focus to what
you
can
do.

You can triage the full plate in front of you, decide what's priority, secondary and tertiary.  Make a list, however that works best for you, but wrap your mind around it so you can plan and execute that plan without becoming overwhelmed again and again.

What IS your priority?  You  have a limited window of parenting opportuity while your son is still a child.  That might go to the top of the list.

You deserve to deal with the trauma of your childhood and current trauma created by the relationship with your father...but put yourself in your son's shoes and think about what you wish your parents had given to you.  Be the parent you deserved, M.

The good things is.... you're able to notice your father's behaviors and identify what he's doing to get a rise out of you.  If you can resist reacting and losing your temper, for just a split sencond, you create a moment to discern and choose to respond and be responsive....meaning you step around the biochemical dump, retain the ability to use logic, reason and creative problem solving skills to choose actions that get you more of what you want AND to be responsive, available and safe for your son to be around..... all the time.  Not when your fathr allows it, kwim?

I don't know what you're going through, with regard to CPS and the hoops you must jump through to get physical custody of yuor son back.

You know and you have the option to focus on those things.....
to focus on ignoring your father;s baiting behaviros.....
to speak respectfully about and to your father, always, in order to avoid being viewed as THE PROBLEM.


I have so much hope for you.... you're aware of  your thoughts and triggers and that is HUGE.... it means you can catch them and change them.  It gives you more choices. 

At the same time, while you're learning how to calm your Nervous System, you're teaching your son better coping strategies and life skills he can take into his future.  That;s a win win.

In the meantime.... be so very kind to yourself.... parent yourself as you'd like parent your son.  Be compassionate and mindful of the words you choose... use a gentle voice and KNOW you're doing your best... you've always done your best. 

When you learn to do better, you do bettter.  That's a truth you can build on, IME.

Here's one more thought, about your situation.....

your father and situation with your son is like a pebble..... and your nose is glued to that pebble so it';s the size of a planet. It's taking all your energy and focus and ability to calmly identify the best strategies and choices to get you what you want, IME.

IF you can create some spaciousness around that pebble... get your nose OFF that pebble.... you can create emotional distance to shift your point of view.  Gaining space around the pebble provides distance to see all the other pebbles, and trees an bushes and rivers and streams, etc.  That pebble becomes one of many and the other pebbles include solutions you'll have access to..... that you couldn't SEE before.  I hope that makes sense. It helpe me a lot when my T explained it to me.

It's a lot. My post is long.  There's much to process, but first things first......

back to the breathing.....
back to noticing where the discomfort is in your body or pushing on doorjambs or walking backwards around a trashcan SO YOU CAN notice the discomfort, put your hands on it and name it...... breathe into it....... and one more thing I'd like you to consider adding to that breathing excercise is to breathe spaciousness AROUND it. 

I picture breathing pink cotton candy into my chest, creating space around the pain/discomfort, and it always stays with me, M.  It creates that split second I need to discern better choices around really upsetting/triggering things in my life that come up again and again, until I CHANGE that pattern.

You can change patterns too.  You're so young and so far ahead.... capable of noticing what's going on..... catching it and shifting the dynamics involved.  It's HUGE, M.

I have such hope for you and your son.

[Marianne]

Thanks for the comfort and advices…

I’m no longer freaking out about my dad. Still a bit about my own mistakes.

I’m having nice talks with kid now over the phone. I bought him a rabbit recently, to strengthen him, and it works. Rabbit is his comfort and friend, and I’m sending him pics. Attention to him is the priority.

I’m searching for good people around us too. Wednesday I have a talk with a psychologist for me. She specialises in trauma and attachment, and knows about emotional abuse. I do wish to work on this, because I want to learn techniques of staying calm when triggered. I have become a lot better at it, but I wish for it to be 100%, not 90%. 

The same little club has a child therapist guiding kids and parents with trauma and attachment and restoring basic trust. We were there before and I think I will restart, with more individual attention to my kid.

I’m doubting whether to invite my dad too, to work with us. 

I’m also speaking with a lady now who may mediate between dad and me, to make appointments. I do not wish to speak to him alone anymore, or be dependent on what he grants us.

I will speak to Cps soon. My social worker will go with me.

And I am writing down what happened, which helps me explain it to cps like people.

In the meanwhile trying to eat well and all.

[hhaw]

You really sound motivated to make positive changes in yor life and your son's, M.

The kind of focus you're givng to this is super hopeful and helpful to that purpose, IME.

I'll continue inviting you to forgive and extend compassion to yourself.  It will help you in ways you can't understand yet, but will become apparent with practice... and practice doesn't have to be perfect.  Just keep circling back to it without judgment, again and again... and you'll see how it fits.

I'm glad you have resources and support.  It certainly looks like you're in a good place to seek out and benefit from therapy and someone to help you and your father communicate...... with less emotional reactivity, perhaps for both of you. 

I didn't know this, but it helped me to learn.....
our brains can heal very quickly... in seconds, M,   bc that's what or brains DO efficiently every moment of every day when in a calm state. 

We learn to shift our brains into a calm state, re visit the old trauma our brains couldn't process bc survival mode shut down access to higher brain function/frontal cortex and the brain processes that old trauma quickly... easily.... right out of our limbic system where it bounces around till we figure out how to address it in a calmer state.  I think there are many therapists and ways to do that, btw. 

You've always done yur best, M.  Trust and believe that.   Show your son how to extend self compassion and grace in every moment, bc you're both worthy of those things. 

If it helps, take 3 big breathes before you turn on yourself, M.  Discern how it feels when you catch the judgement.... and stop it.  Feel the difference when you choose to let it roll over and take you.

You figure out what's going on, first, then begin discerning what's working, what you'd like more of and less of and you build that small window... a split second of spaciousness BEFORE a big emotion sweeps you off your feet into reactivity and old patterns you might decide to replace with new ones.... and that's OK, M.

Everything belongs.  Everything is a part of you and you don't have to get rid of anything..... everything belongs, so don't be afraid of it or angry or feel it's ever a mistake to feel ANYTHING that comes up, M..  You're simply noticing it, accepting it without judgment and deciding if it's time to let that part of you rest and retire, bc those are likely the parts and pieces that helped you survive when you were a young chld.  They served you, but now youi're an adult and can step  up, protect yourself AND those parts of you from childhood, M. 

Embrace everything with compassion and don't run from it, M.

Mindfulness, curiosity..... keep turning towards those things, over and over.... keep coming back.... you are home, you have arrived.... everything belongs and all will be well.

You're so very young to be learning these things.  You're sort of amazing that way and it gives me such hope for you and your son.

[Starboard Song]

You observe that this is all harder for being new: that your dad wasn't always this way. And you wondered: can it be reversed?

Well, first of all: people definitely can "develop" these disorders late in life. We saw a change in my MIL between the age of 50 and 65. It didn't happen gradually, either. It seemed to happen in little bursts. Reading stories on the forum, major life changes seem to drive people to suddenly see the problem, or for it to emerge.

Can you reverse it? Maybe. PDs are not an infectious disease, or a brain injury. They are really only a set of symptoms: if you do TOO MANY of these things in a list, and do them TOO OFTEN, and it is TOO SEVERE, we call it pathological. But this can obviously come in lots of flavors.

Whether there is hope there or not, your first job has to be to care for yourself. The Three Cs is so important: you didn't cause it, cannot control it, and cannot cure it. Doesn't mean it can't be fixed: it means you can't fix it.

So please focus first on you. Remember, it is entirely possible to be kind while keeping someone at arms' length, or even out of your life. I am so sorry that this has piled loss on top of loss for you.

This community will I hope be a source of strength for you.

[Marianne]

Thanks both.

I will try self-compassion. And compassion too. I freaked out into "dad is scary and I am evil"-mode. I calmed down a bit. It's also just integrating the hard stuff, maybe. I always pushed everything bad out of my mind, then now I am seeing it. It takes time to process. Also, the nasty games in the family are very old, but my dad being like this is indeed new.

Today was okay. I spoke to the therapist. She is a different type than I might prefer...a bit of the rational protocol type. But we'll see.

I just spoke to my kid on the phone and it was good. He sounded happy. We joked. We laughed. We shared some things. He asked what I did. I told him I saw someone to help me get better - I doubted whether to share it. I don't want him to know all my issues, but since he already knows, I thought saying this in the right way might give hope for improvement. I joked that he will get a fun mum with no faults. He said that would be boring, the faultless mum. And he said I already was a fun mum. He is sweet. He also said he would like to come to my house again soon, slowly building it up. I proposed we have pizza, and he was all enthusiastic.

Dad was a bit nasty yesterday. I kindly told him I was a bit worried over kiddo, and how I hoped we could make things better for him. He said I was an idiot for worrying. Today he was a bit more kind. And willing to go to systems therapy. Who knows what is possible. I'll just be kind but assertive, all the time. We'll see.

Speaking to my kid always makes me happy though. He is a sweet kid.

[Starboard Song]

Speaking to my kid always makes me happy though. He is a sweet kid.

I'd like to commend to you one of the books in my signature: the Book of Joy.

They ask the Dalai Lama and Desmond Tutu the same question: How do you handle it when people are rude and annoying? Let's say, someone cuts you off dangerously in traffic.

The Dalai Lama had an Optimist answer. He likes to remember that we all make our own errors, and that our knowledge is imperfect. This may be a fine person's one moment of weakness. Or maybe he is rushing a sick person to the hospital, and is indeed innocent of the charges.

Desmond Tutu was more practical, as is his way. He said he accepts the premise, that the other party is truly in the wrong. And in such cases he isn't angry: he is sad for them, that they are wasting the opportunity given to them on this day. Look how they are wasting their humanity.

I don't know why, but I think the reflections of these two men, both of whom have faced massive struggles for much of their lives, may be an inspiration to you in the months ahead.

[Marianne]

Thanks.

That helps. I will put a note with that on it to my wall or so. It is inspiring.

I'm happy to feel the sadness, fear, guilt and anger of it all, instead of being in denial and dissociation. Strangely. Because these are the real feelings. But I also hope to practice compassion. I too made many mistakes. With my parents, with my kid. I think if I can be real, not masked, my kid will benefit.

I also need to mind myself a bit. Dad was nasty yesterday, kinder today, and saying there was nothing wrong at all. It makes me wonder again: did I imagine it all?

[Marianne]

Sorry for writing a lot. A lot is happening emotionally for me.

I begged the big service providers I was in care with for therapy for years and years. They didn't offer it. Now I could start with a smaller provider. After a waiting list of a year. But I found out the insurance doesn't pay. Even if there are gigantic waiting lists, they offer only a limited number of treatment places each year. And half-way the year they reached the ceiling. And won't pay the provider anymore. Even if they have room. Searching for something else now.

The fear-flashback of my dad subsided. And made way for guilt. I'm trying to keep room for all sides in my mind at the same time, but it is something I struggle with. I'm integrating things. Yes, my parents made bad mistakes when parenting me and hurt me and my son. Yes, they also tried their best and had loving sides. Yes, I also made mistakes. Some a lot worse than my parents. Yes, I also tried my best. And there are also some things I do better. For instance, not shifting the blame to my son, but telling him when I make a mistake. Saying sorry and then trying to work on it. I just really hope we will be okay.

Also, I did a few good things today. I volunteered. I work in a coffee bar and got a few compliments. A regular customer said he likes the way I work, because I have attention to the customers. Another regular said she was donating money (it's a community project) especially because of me, because she thinks I'm a kind person, who always has a nice word for the people coming there. And a colleague said he was happy with the way I work. I'm not so dependent on external judgements anymore, but it's still nice to hear.

I also am proud of my son. I needed to bribe him with the promise of eating ice cream together, which he loves most of all. (Not really sure if that bribing is stupid or not). But the last few convo's he started to speak up more if he sensed his own need/boundary/feeling. Besides that, also relaxing a bit and just joking, having fun.

Happy the worst fear is over. Now still getting rid of all the guilt.

[hhaw]

Keep posting, M. This can be a type of journal for you.....
and we can be compassionate listeners who "get it" for you too.

I'm glad you're feeling better and helping others.  That really is helpful, IME.

There might be mental health folks in your area who charge according to a sliding scale. 

Check with different sources.... ask about sliding scale mental health care.   I don't know anything about online healthcare services, but they seem to be very popular and getting more common.  Check them out.  Ask for referals and don't stop asking.