Out of the loop

[feralcat]

I thought awhile about what to call this thread.

Today I had a text from a sibling re an upcoming visit to my unPdM . We're  going to visit her with my DS and his young family, in a couple of weeks. My DS visits rarely, and always wants me to go at the same time . My large FOO don't visit him. He's basically the Lost Grandchild of the Lost Child (me). FOO will descend on the house whilst we're there. Pictures of Great grandchildren taken. Boxes ticked all round ! Sibling wanted to check out our timetable.

BUT she also mentioned that unPdM is feeling unwell. I said Oh Dear etc. However then she went on to say that unPdM had triggered my brother , resulting in HER getting upset. Resulting in her go to hypochondriacal waify reaction.
So...in effect unPdM is looking for attention because she upset someone else. (Who now is the one feeling guilty)

There were a lot of statements about how I (me) obviously understand this, because we 'all' get triggered by unPdM. And that we 'all' end up feeling guilty. And how we 'all' nontheless feel sorry for her.
The thing is, though, I don't. I did tell sibling that I didn't feel like that any more, unless  I'd actually  done something . If I did , I would.

I didn't say that, as a result of all the work I've done over the past few years, ably assisted by you good folks, I no longer suffer greatly from FOG. That the above isn't guilt, it's toxic shame. That , although I DO feel sorry for unPdM, it's no more than the pity I would feel for any old person whose actions have resulted in them pushing others away. Or that the people I most feel sorry for are FOO. Them. Stuck in their trauma bonding.

So, when we visit, I'll be keeping schtum. Because I'm no longer part of it 'all'. Thank Gosh.
Im now well and truly ..out of the loop.

[SonofThunder]

Hi feralcat,

Congratulations on now being 'out of loop' because you are well educated on PD behaviors!

I understand what you write and as you said, I can empathize with other's feelings of foggy, manipulated guilt because Ive been there. Yet, I am no longer in that confusing gaslit camp caused by the PD drama triangle role-switching from the true persecutor to false victim by assigning the persecutor role to others. 

Haha I have even found myself judged by the others who are still in the PD's fog, because Im able to emotionally and quietly detach from the whole group who are dancing around the PD's drama triangle.  They have been assigned the guilty persecutor role yet I refuse, therefore im the one with the cold-shoulder...   Wrong.

Lol I try not to gather, which solves my problem all-together. 

SoT

[feralcat]

This morning I've decided that the exchanges were sibling being a flying monkey. Getting to me before I possibly heard otherwise from anyone else. Getting me to feel sorry for unPdM . Then gaslighting to try to make sure i toe the party line of how to respond. Whatever I feel.
Shame, I have VLC with her. She's the youngest. A GC. Can be unpleasant.  I had hoped she'd develope some independent thinking over time. Looks like not.

SOT Thanks for your reply. I very rarely visit FOO now. I'm only going this time to facilitate my DS. He'd probably never go if I didn't. When my unPdM dies, that'll probably be it. Duty fulfilled. It's highly unlikely the others would visit him. Never have so far. And he, and his family, are absolutely lovely !

[Cat of the Canals]

This morning I've decided that the exchanges were sibling being a flying monkey. Getting to me before I possibly heard otherwise from anyone else. Getting me to feel sorry for unPdM . Then gaslighting to try to make sure i toe the party line of how to respond. Whatever I feel.

I'm inclined to agree, especially with the all the stuff about how you "understand" and implying you "must" feel the same way. Instead of asking or allowing any kind of actual dialogue, you are being told how to be. Concluding with the bit about "nonetheless feeling sorry for her" is the big tell. After all, your mother is clearly the victim here. 

Congrats on being rid of the FOG and not falling into this little trap. And on being in a place where you can facilitate this visit for your son.