uNPD/HPD Mom Likely Dying and I broke NC pt. 2

[completelyperdue]

So things have taken a turn for the worse with my uNPD/HPD mom. Please see previous post for what the situation is.

Docs have determine that she has stage IV cancer along with a major organ that is failing.  They have told us that uNPD/HPD mom has anywhere from days to a week at the most to live.

My non-PD sister let me know that I picked a good day to see my uNPD/HPD mom because apparently she started complaining about me even though she did not get my name correct, but my non-PD sister knew that she was referring to me. I wonder now that my uNPD/HPD mom put on her usual mask during my visit to the hospital last week since there was medical staff present to pretend that she was nice and that she loved me. I will never know at this point since I have 0 intentions of seeing her again.

Apparently I am being shafted out of the will. No real surprise there since I was expecting it as it is a common MO for PDs to do to control their children who "disobey" them.

The thing that is really making my non-PD sister and I pissed off is that the ex-con boyfriend is going to get our childhood home because he was supposedly so good to my mom.  I know I probably should have expected this too, but it's just infuriating that my uNPD/HPD mom would just screw us out of the home that we grew up with to an a hole like that who has been terrorizing the neighborhood.

At the same time though, it is really just stuff in the end and it would just remind me of her if I got the house or other things.

I am reflecting though upon the fact that after all of these years that my non-PD sister will be finally free of my uNPD/HPD mom.

No more lies
No more denials about the truth
No more gaslighting
No more emotional abuse
No more criticisms
No more homophobia
No more racist remarks
And many, many other things that I have had to deal with over the years.

It is odd to have that sense of relief that someone who was so cruel to my family is going to meet their maker when I know most people with healthy parents would be completely distraught.

I remember there is a YouTube video from Dr. Ramani where she said that people with narcissitic parents may not be at peace until that parent has passed. It is sad that I am experiencing that because I would give anything to have had two loving parents to mourn for instead of the uNPD/HPD mom and eDad that I ended up with.

I think I need to go out and touch grass for a bit to clear my mind.

Thanks for reading.

[moglow]

It is odd to have that sense of relief that someone who was so cruel to my family is going to meet their maker when I know most people with healthy parents would be completely distraught.

Yeah yeah yeah [she says in her best Rainman voice] I get you, with that looming relief. It's sad and probably oddly comforting at the same time. I've not been where you are but I'm sure it'll take time to work through the conflicting feelings and find acceptance with her choices. It's mindblowing to me [not a mother myself] that any parent can be so seemingly ambivalent about their own children. I'll never understand.

[completelyperdue]

It's mindblowing to me [not a mother myself] that any parent can be so seemingly ambivalent about their own children. I'll never understand.

I will probably never understand it as well how someone could be so checked out when it comes to her own children. I know I could blame it on the PD, but at the same time it is a conscious choice that my uNPD/HPD is making to do these things to her own children for the sake of someone that enabled her behavior.

In my eyes at least, she has earned her title of being someone who I will never remember fondly once she is gone. 

[moglow]

For what's it's worth I've had similar conversations with my brothers. None of us have those bright shining "remember when she used to ..."   moments. We've talked about exactly that, that we can't even dig down into those happys to sustain us. That they *chose* and perpetuated this is mind boggling.

[Tribe16]

I will probably never understand it as well how someone could be so checked out when it comes to her own children. I know I could blame it on the PD, but at the same time it is a conscious choice that my uNPD/HPD is making to do these things to her own children for the sake of someone that enabled her behavior.

I feel this so much. I'll never understand.

I'm kind.
I've tried to do the right thing and be a good daughter.
I've raised 4 great humans that are doing good things in the world.
I contribute to society.
My marriage isn't perfect, but it's way better than my parents is.
I'm intelligent and self-sufficient.

I have my quirks, my insecurities but I turned out all right. But it isn't enough and never will be. And now that I've gone 3 months NC with no effort on her part it hits home how completely shallow/superficial her love for me was; likely isn't really love at all. I can't imagine cutting my kids out of my life, I love them so much.

It makes no sense, and if you struggle as many of us here struggle with WHY?? My heart goes out to you because it's a question I don't think will be answered in our lifetimes.

[Blueberry Pancakes]

Wishing you peace.

You state "I would give anything to have had two loving parents to mourn for instead of the uNPD/HPD mom and eDad that I ended up with." You are not alone with that feeling.

I believe that would have been so much easier. There would be no conflicting feelings in times of illness or near end of life. There would be no push/pull from them. It seems these dynamics that are so familiar and difficult just seem to remain. My parents are in their mid-80's with various health issues so I am not at this point with them yet, but it is out there. They both have told me I was being dis-inherited because they did not like my attitude. I was the Executor of their Will, but they gave that role to my GC sister a few years when they claimed I was as my dad informed "legally separated from the family." How a parent can do such things and expect a decent relationship with their child is too twisted to wrap my head around. I think it is among the worst of things.

I believe however the current status is as they have created either deliberately or by default of not redirecting when things began going sideways. Take care of you, your wellbeing and your peace of mind.

[clarityjane]

I searched HPD in the forum search engine and found this. This post helps me so much during this time. Completelyperdue, I don't see anything wrong with how you feel about your HPD parent. Many times, I think of how much better I would feel if I knew I'd never have to see them again. Pretty often, I daydream about it just to get by. I hope you're finding some peace now.

[TimetoHeal]

I am reflecting though upon the fact that after all of these years that my non-PD sister will be finally free of my uNPD/HPD mom.

No more lies
No more denials about the truth
No more gaslighting
No more emotional abuse
No more criticisms
No more homophobia
No more racist remarks
And many, many other things that I have had to deal with over the years.

Focus on this part right here.  This is beautiful.  Wishing you much peace.