My meltdown

[Tribe16]

I am going through a shame-$h1t-show because 3+ years of Mt Vesuvius finally erupted in front of my husband this morning. I mean major meltdown with screaming, ugly crying, throwing my phone across the room meltdown. I've been married 40 years and this is maybe the 2nd or 3rd time in my life I've been like this? I feel awful. It was not cathartic. I just feel... this is the suckiest suck of all sucks.

My dear Dad is in the hospital, stage 4 Parkinsons with C19. The C19 exacerbated his PD symptoms and he went into paranoid delusions. My mother is willfully withholding information from me. I have asked for updates, she's as vague as vague can be, when I asked for her permission to speak to the nurse, she went radio silent, and now any info I'm getting is through other family members (my sister and my daughter). My daughter forwarded a newsy text from her this morning, and this really triggered me. Not at all upset with family, very grateful they can keep me in the loop, but the shock of what my mother is capable of just sent me through the roof this morning.

I talk to my dad every week. We always tell each other "I love you". I know that he knows in his soul if not his mind that I love him. I don't know if he will bounce back from this, it's pretty bad. I'm sure he won't be going back home, now it is likely a care home.

I feel like I will lose him soon. And when I do, I will be grieving the loss of 2 parents because they will both be dead to me.

[Poison Ivy]

Tribe16, I'm very sorry about your dad's illness and about your mom's terrible behavior toward you. Your eruption or meltdown seems entirely appropriate under the circumstances.

Can you thank your husband for bearing witness to your pain, even though the pain continues?

[NarcKiddo]

I am sorry to hear about your Dad and hope he does bounce back.

I am also sorry, but not a bit surprised, to hear about your mother's behaviour. My father is having cancer treatment and my n mother is very selective about what information is given. I am not close to my father, but still. The behaviour is awful and I can completely understand your eruption. Take care of yourself.

[Tribe16]

Thank you Poison Ivy and NarcKiddo. Thanks for your acknowledgment and understanding. Yes Poison Ivy, my husband is a trooper. I think I scared him, but he stepped up and talked me off the ledge. I am eternally grateful for this guy.

NarcKiddo, I'm sorry you are experiencing the same censored information. I hope keeping information to themselves keeps them warm at night. Note to self, watch closely and be determined about NEVER being like your mother.

[Hilltop]

I'm so sorry you are going through this Tribe16. The information withholding seems to be a common theme. A meltdown is understandable.  Withholding that information from you and giving it to others is so hurtful.  That type of behaviour has long term consequences for a  relationship. It would be hard having to deal with your fathers illness and your mothers response.

[Tribe16]

Thank you Hilltop. I appreciate your kind words. More of the same today. Dad has dived into pneumonia - I have to ask for updates. Today I got a "talk to your sister" text, complete with heart emojis. This was after she sent unsolicited wordy updates to my sister and daughter-in-law. I think she knows that my daughter-in-law will tell me, and is trying to weaponize that relationship. Anyhoo, I found this article about withholders really explanatory in trying to understand why she is so hurtful, this explains a lot.

https://medium.com/@katiabeeden/6-signs-youre-dealing-with-a-withholder-f5b9a9e57894

I am flying in to see my dad in the hospital tomorrow. I am not telling mom. I'm sure she will find out, but I don't want her trying to control or influence the initial meeting. I just want some quality time with Dad. I'm DIID-DIID so I will call my own shots for now. Going off to watch some Dan O'Connor videos on YouTube to buck up on my responses to passive-aggressive snark and try very hard to practice my gray rock. 

[wisingup]

Tribe16 - what an incredibly tough time.  I'm glad you are going to see your dad. 

I have had two meltdowns in front of my DH in our 35 year history - one before we were married involving a terrible interaction with my mom & one when my dad died & I learned some upsetting info.  He not only stuck by me but said later that he felt good about being able to be there for me and truly be of help.  Honestly, I think the meltdowns brought us closer as I tend to keep things closed up until they erupt out of me, as you describe. After he'd seen me at my worst & stuck around, I guess I felt more secure to share stuff with him.

I wish you the best over the next few days.  We're here to support you.

[moglow]

I know this can't be easy for you, dreading that she'll likely be there. My prayer is that you can slide in while she's away for lunch or dinner and you don't have to see her at all. 

Dad is the goal here - don't let anything distract or stand in your way. Be firm and just be blunt if you have to, this is neither the time nor place for some confrontation with her no matter how she pushes.

We're here with you.

[Tribe16]

Thank you so much for the kind comments. I flew in from out of state without telling NMom I was coming. I saw my Dad last night and I am horrified. It's so much worse than she let on. I don't know if she is in denial, or what is going on, but when she found out I was here she made it crystal clear she does not want to see me, which is fine because I have no intention of visiting her. She is infuriated that her narrative will now be corrupted/challenged. In my heart I know my dad does not belong in rehab, he belongs in hospice care.

Surprisingly, as awful as the last couple of weeks have been, my family has rallied and the love is flowing with the healthy ones. I can get through this. Yesterday seeing my dad was hard, I will see him again today and I think this will be the last time. I don't really know if he's even cognizant of what I'm saying but I'm just letting him know how much he is loved.

The only reason my mom found out I was there is that dad is so fixated on talking to her that he was getting really agitated and wanted me to call her to come and see him. I kept (gently) trying to tell him that she's probably not going to pick up when she see's its me calling - he wasn't getting it. So we called and left a VM. It was pitiful, honestly. Then I got a snarky text (of course I did). She's been so horrible to him for as long as I can remember and he is so trauma bonded. She is his entire world.

I've got to get through one more day. She took his cell phone away, and truthfully he's probably forgotten how to use it by now, so I know that the days of me being able to call him directly are over - ugh. The whole thing is so damn sad.

[bloomie]

Tribe16 - my heart just hurts for you and your dad, your loving family members as you face this sudden downturn in your dad's health. My hope is that your time with him will give you something, a nugget or moment between you that you can treasure in your heart.

If you can... don't allow your mother to intrude in your thoughts, conversation, or overshadow this time with your dad in any way. She does not belong in the room with the two of you, even in spirit. I hope that makes sense.

Hugs to you!!