How to stay strong while trying to break this sick cycle???

[Legalmindhelp]

Hello all of you lovely supportive people!

I am here to give you an update. It has been a really rough day. I managed to get my husband served the papers that I filed on Monday, today. He is coming over tomorrow to pack up all of his things and leave and he's told me he will not talk to me until he sees me in court at this point. As a lawyer, I know he cannot prevent the divorce in the no-fault state. It is all about the property and how much money he can take me for. We have not been married even two years yet. So, as a short term marriage he's not really entitled to much.  I am going to continue to make efforts to see if I can get him to agree to a property settlement and write a consent judgment. If not, I am fairly comfortable leaving it in the hands of the judge who is also a successful female.

Gee, that probably sounds like I've got that all under control! The truth is that I was getting a manicure when the process server text me that he had served my husband. Then the text came in from my husband informing me that he had just been served. And I am stupidly sitting there getting a manicure with the tears just jumping out of my eyes. This is not easy. However, I've always been of the opinion that if you have to rip the Band-Aid off better to do it quickly then slowly. My clock starts now! After 90 days I can be granted a divorce and get my life back. And I really don't know that I could've Made it this far without the support of this forum. Just keep trying——you can do it if you set yourself up a good support system!

Also, I have an appointment with a psychologist who is married to a man with antisocial personality disorder. So, I am really looking forward to that and hope to gain some strength from that as well. God bless you all and stay strong!

[Legalmindhelp]

Correction! I should not have addressed my comment to Just Keep Trying. What I meant to be encouraging words were intended for bat 123.

So sorry!

[hhaw]

LegalM:

I'm so happy your stbx was easy to serve.  It's OK to feel sad and unsure and whatever you feel.... it's part of changing your life and separating from a PD, IME.

If stbx doesn't speak to you until Court.... consider yourself lucky, I say. 

In the meantime, schedule a pedicure and massage.... maybe a facial to go along with that manicure.

Keep investing in self care and be SO SO kind to yourself....... just treat yourself like a child.  Tsunamis of self compassion toward yourself and if you can't, notice it and go back to be kind again.  Rinse and repeat.

This too shall pass, LegalM

[bat123]

Thank you, Legalmind.  Yes, a good support system is needed.  I have a few people, but of course I've been carrying the abuse around like a deep, dark secret for 25 years so it is not easy or natural for me to to turn to others on this particular issue.  I've spent so much time denying my own reality and trying to make my friends and family think that I have a wonderful family life.   I'm trying to get an appointment with my therapist, who I had kind of ghosted because my husband doesn't approve of her (of course).  I hope she'll take me back.

[Legalmindhelp]

Another update. I served him the divorce papers today. He was pretty upset and he's coming to pick up all of his things tomorrow. He has threatened me with not speaking to me until we are in court and that is fine. The clock is now ticking. In 90 days I can be granted my divorce. This is so hard. I was getting a manicure when the text came in that he had been served and then his text started coming in about getting served and the tears just jumped out of my eyes. I know it is for the best  but the guilt is overwhelming.

I am getting an appointment with a psychologist who are used to be married to a man with antisocial personality disorder. I can't get to this appointment fast enough. This farm has been a huge support for me and I plan on checking back in throughout this process. Thank you all so much again for being here and giving of your time.

[Legalmindhelp]

Hello all you lovely supportive people! Again, let me please express my gratitude for all that you do on this site. I just wanted to give another update.

As it became time to answer the divorce complaint, I did hear from my husband. Oh the love bombing! Thank God for the psychologist and the site. This is the really hard part. I cried my eyes out. My new home is just being finished and I'm getting to remove in at the end of the month and all I could think of is that I was supposed to move in with him and that this was supposed to be our future. But I have to separate in my mind the future that I wanted to have with him and the reality that is the future with him. I am really quite miserable. So, when I think of how miserable I am I also think of how miserable I was with him. If I stay with him the misery continues for the rest of my life. If I continue on this path toward my freedom.... The misery is likely to end eventually. And things may be much brighter on the other side.

I live on the shores of Lake Michigan. So, I have been indulging in a lot of self care. I hit the beach a lot, I have had my Mani-pedis and yesterday I spontaneously divorced shopped to the tune of $300. Three new bathing suits, four new pairs of sandals and some provisions for girls weekend in a couple of weeks.

I know the worst is not over. I have been here before. And I withdrew the complaint for divorce. My psychologist says I am doing very well. I have employed the tools from the toolbox. I did hear from my husband and it was only two emails because I responded with medium chill and calmly informed him that I will be going through with the divorce. The tools are terrific! Again, thank you for all your support. I don't know that I could've even gotten this far without the knowledge and kindness I have gained from the lovely people here. God bless you all!

[JustKeepTrying]

I am so glad to see you filed, have a plan, peaceful future and just all of it!  Yeah!

I would like to support you in the grieving process.  Crying is normal and cathartic.  There is a weird swirl of feelings - shame, guilt, anger, love, despair and sadness - and true grief.  You are grieving for what you thought you had - for the man you thought he was.  It will come out in kind of ways over the next while - so don't worry when you see.  Ride it, let it flow and you will see the other side.

[Legalmindhelp]

Thank you Just Keep Trying! I will take your advice and when the going gets tough...I will dream of the other side!