A flying monkey defects and away for the night with my father / 2 other monkeys

[sonofanarc]

It's been a while since I last checked in here and wanted to give an update as this forum has been instrumental in my growth, and also in an unexpected way.

I met with my 3 sisters and my dad a few months ago for coffee. As often does nowadays, the conversation turned to our upbringing and each of our experiences. I am no longer triggered by being around my sisters (the flying monkeys) nor my father. For me, that's my best measure of my growth. I am not sure how or why (the unconscious works in mysterious ways) I decided to read out my post from this forum that was pinned to the top of this this subforum on my reflections of growing up in a narcissistic family. https://www.outofthefog.net/forum/index.php?topic=48032.0 . I can't believe I write that 7 years ago!

The feedback was positive, even from my dad, although i think he missed my point and was more interested in my writing style. The unintended consequence was that my eldest sister came on here afterwards and read the responses to my post and then my other posts and the penny dropped for her! In fairness, she has had therapy off and on over the years for her own mental health issues, however till now, has never found the ability to get off the drama triangle and stop rescuing my dad.

This weekend, my sisters and I went away for the night with my father to celebrate his 90th birthday. I only got triggered once and that was very brief and mild. What was nicer was that my  big sister is now an ally on what's been an incredible long, tough and lonely path. I told her that and how nice it was rto see someone else stand up to my dad's manipulations.

We had many conversations over the weekend and it was interesting to see how my father is incapable of going anywhere near feelings. Given his own FOO and early life experiences this is totally understandable. At times all 4 of us children could feel how crazy making his denial and inability to have a conversation around feelings was and how this must have been for us growing up.

Each time he sees me he asks if i'm happy. At least a dozen times now including twice over the weekend. I asked him why does he keeps asking? He said because he thinks i'm not, despite each time says, yes ? i'm very content with my life now. I asked if it was perhaps he didn't want me to be happy because I didn't marry a nice Jewish girl,? or was it because misery keeps good company? As to why he keeps asking me, he says because i dont give him a straight answer. I asked him how can a yes not be a straight answer! Man on man, he really is crazy making.

This segued into how I have no heart and am too logical and that why cant I love him from a more heartfelt place. I explained that perhaps that was projections, as many other people describe me as having a big heart. As to my love for him, I explained that was more gratitude for what he did for me growing up around education and practical resources, and that I couldn't love him from an emotional standpoint as we never had an emotional connection.  In order for that to happen, he would have to take a risk and connect to his feelings and learn to love himself first.

In order for that to happen, he would need to start grieving for all his loses (his 8 siblings, parents, wife, recent girlfriend to name a few significant ones) and that might be too painful and too difficult at the age of 90. I also explained narcissists generally dont change with therapy so he also had that to contend with.  His view is that I need to do more work and change more to then love him in the way he wants me to love him. I told him ive done enough grief work, grieving for his murdered family amongst other things and have felt enough pain with this work. I told him i've come to place of acceptance, I dont need him to change and am at peace with our relationship. I also accept we have a stalemate as I know he cant change and thus our relationship can't be any more intimate and that's OK with me.

As for the flying monkeys. eldest sister was no longer rescuing my dad and was confronting him with her own trauma. I feels so sad for her, 2 failed marriages, hospitalisations for depression and addictions. As for the other 2 sisters, both with their inner demons, they understand the drama triangle and both acknowledge its too difficult to get off and would rather keep rescuing my dad rather than look at their own trauma. How my father could sit there and hear them say that and not say anything about how they must put their own lives first says it all about his narcissism. That makes me angry as /i type this, again though its not for me to fix.

As we says with the men's work I do, the journey continues.

[Starboard Song]

Wow.

Thank you for sharing that update. The journey definitely continues.