Haunting me- will it ever go away?

[Justme729]

Even though this mostly applies to a coworker, it's trigger to the original trauma from PD mom. 

I developed severe anxiety after the birth of my last child.  But likely had it long before also.  My go to tactic most of my adult life is to run away from experiences that mimic or give those same feelings I got as a child, when I was helpless and had no control.  This year I had to endure and push through.   I had no choice but to stay in a toxic situation. We were building/buying a house and needed my income to qualify.  Our closing date kept getting pushed back due to construction delays.   

To make a long story short, we are finally in the new house and time to heal.   All year, I've maintained my boundaries.  I have stood up for myself and others this woman has bullied and retaliated against.  I've stood up for my students.   This woman has never had anyone tell no.  Everyone has caved.  So!  Needless to say people are seeing me stand up to her & are following suit.   Y'all she's breaking down & talking about quitting.   Admin is taking action.   I never intended any consequences such as this - it's just unacceptable behavior & I've been documenting.  Others are documenting.  I feel like I'm somehow in the wrong, even though I'm not the only one.  She's ready to quit her job because I won't let her treat me like crap. 

My mom kicked me out when I was a teen when I took a similar stance.  I wasn't going to tolerate her boyfriend speaking to her or me in the way he was.   His treatment towards her was wrong & we should be her priority.  It was an abusive relationship.  I said my siblings and I didn't deserve to be beaten and degraded by her & the boyfriend (it was terrible), he didn't put hands on us- she wasn't afraid to do so especially with his encouragement.

To work situation brings back all those feelings.  I'm tired of seeing others walk in egg shells to afraid yo speak up for themselves, but I remember that the more I stood up the more he hurt her behind closed doors.   What if this coworker had some sort of legit issue that makes her like this?   I'm a discounting her cultural norms that are different than mine?   But my boundaries and expectations of my team aren't unreasonable either. I just feel terrible that it's come to this point where she's ready to walk away & feeling guilty like it's my fault.   My therapist would say she's an adult and can make her own choices.  I've done nothing wrong in my boundaries and stayed professional.  I'm not the only one whose had this issues with this person.  It's been an ongoing issue for YEARS.   

Sorry not sure I have any specific question, but just any support and encouraging words would be great. 

[Andeza]

I think you're doing the right thing, for what it's worth. I've no doubt the message that was ingrained in you growing up was that you were supposed to put up with any and all abuse and throw in a "Please sir, I want some more," for good measure. Therefore, when you take a stand against the toxic individual in your workplace, you're taking a stand against your past, your upbringing, your abusive mother... Of course it's hard to do! Of course it feels wrong on some level! You're breaking years and years of bad programming.

But hey. Look at you! You're breaking the cycle! You're breaking it in your life and helping the others at work that were being bullied break it for themselves. You're being the voice speaking truth. If somebody had walked in your front door years ago, kicked out the bad boyfriend and somehow got your mother to shape up, you probably would have been relieved. You're doing just that for your coworkers.

What goes on in her life is her business. If something is causing her to be this way other than her nature, if she is in an abusive relationship and not seeking help, then that's where she is. There's not really anything you can do about it and while it would explain her behavior towards others, it does not excuse her behavior towards others.

[treesgrowslowly]

I think you did a great job describing your current situation. It makes sense that this situation at work, has reminded you of the past.

In a workplace, a workplace bully can't be stopped by a peer. I doubt that happens very often. Typically, management has to be involved because they have the power to make decisions about how to handle the situation.

What you did, it sounds like, you communicated about how you expect to be treated. As long as those expectations are reasonable, you've done your part.

Thankfully, workplaces are different from families, in that victims of bullying in a family, may not have any help - no HR department to step in and address the problematic behaviours.

In most families, the victim is stuck standing up to the abuser, all by themselves, with no backup (sometimes other relatives might support the victim, but its not always the case). Those of us with childhood trauma, have lots of memories of trying to assert boundaries, and not having others (adults with power) back us up and help us.

Trust that you are going to learn a lot about how you will keep using your own healing work, to take care of yourself when stuff like this happens.

Regardless of what happens at work, know that you are learning how to navigate these situations where the present reminds you a lot of the past.

I dealt with a workplace bully years ago. The employer sided with them in that case (it happens). I learned how to make the decision that made sense for me. I stayed professional about it the whole time as well. I dealt with the emotional stuff it brought up for me, in the therapy office - far away from the workplace, where I stayed professional. Just as you are doing.

One of the things I learned by doing so much Out of the FOG work, is that when stuff at work triggers me, I need time to re-focus myself. People will pull us into their drama, because of them, that is still 'normal'. That is how they live. It can take me weeks sometimes, to help myself re-balance after something has exhausted me emotionally like that.

Even if your coworker has reasons for the behaviours, it is a workplace. It is where you can hopefully, count on people just being respectful even if they don't like one another, or even if stuff is going on for them behind the scenes in their own life. Staying professional is important - people will see that and will know that you are a reliable person who remains professional regardless of the drama going on.

The more work you do on yourself, the more you will notice the differences between the people who 'bring their anger / aggression / insensitivity with them' to work and the ones who don't do this.

Trees