Dealing with your own, while helping others

[Justme729]

I am a teacher and I have a child who dealt with neglect from the biological parent.   The child often says, "my dad died (Covid, only caregiver).  I had to live with my mom and she didn't take care of me.   Now I live with my grandma."   The child is extremely sensitive.  He was also separated from his brother (half sibling).  One of the grandparents was going to have to give up their grandson.  It wasn't happening.

My therapist posted a question, how are you dealing with your own trauma while helping this child process their trauma.  Honestly, my gut says "tough it up", but I know that isn't right. I know it isn't necessarily PD that the child has gone through, but still abuse and neglect.

[PunkCroc]

That's a hard one. But I think it's important. It's easy to transfer our feelings of what we experienced onto someone else we see going through something similar, especially if it's a child, the protective instinct sets in.

I think you can care about this student and be a nurturing teacher, but when you are done with your teaching day, at home, take some time for yourself to take your mind away from it and refocus on yourself. A book, music, talking with your family for a little bit. It's not selfish or heartless to separate your own healing and your own experiences from someone else's so you don't find yourself getting triggered or too enmeshed in a situation. Drawing boundaries between where you can, and it is appropriate, to help, and where you and your own life need to take priority.

[easterncappy]

Are you saying "tough it out" to yourself or the child? Because the first time I read your post, I understood it that way, and I thought "me too - my PD parent's words echo in my mind in situations where, well, that's how they'd react".

Anyway, like PunkCroc said, try to find a middle ground between being a total martyr and not caring at all. You're incapable of "saving" this child... psychologically, practically, professionally. It just can't happen. That's not your job. And no one can really "undo" what happened to him, he does need a therapist, stability, and love. You're a teacher and not a therapist or a parent substitute. But it's important that children like this have an adult that they can talk to, even if it's just a teacher. Of course it's your responsibility to do things like report to CPS if you suspect he is still being neglected. He's probably not used to adults around him being nice to him. But at the end of the day, that's all you can reasonably do and you can't let any guilt or extreme empathy towards him take over your life.

I'd wager that there is almost always a PD involved in the abuse and neglect of children.

[Justme729]

The LO is in the custody of a relative (adopted).  It is a very stable and loving home.  They are in therapy.  So it is an Ideal a situation as possible.

I find myself almost getting short.  Like, I had to suck it up and deal.  I didn't have anyone looking out for me.   I have it hard to relate and be that caring empathetic adult on the other side. Don't get me wrong I am in other situations, almost to a fault.  I just don't know how to relate I guess what is just normal vs related to the trauma. I've never been on this side of the trauma equation really. The child talks very openly & sometimes it is too much for me. The other kids are already giving odd looks for living with grandma.  Separated from a sibling.  Do I mention I didn't live with my brothers?  Do I mention sometimes children don't live with their parents for different reasons?  Talking about my family is hard enough.  Let alone navigating it with a group of young children. 

[PunkCroc]

I think if you reach a point where you feel triggered or like it's "too much," there is where you can begin to draw the boundaries between what is normal and what is trauma-related. I once asked my therapist how I tell the difference between anxiety and intuition. She said anxiety will trigger bodily reactions, the "fight or flight" response. Intuition is calm. It is a "knowing." You don't feel frightened by intuition. It does not trigger anxiety or mental images of things you've experienced in the past that make you upset.