VENTING - blame, anger, ugly crying :(

[sadperson]

I just ugly-cried in my closet in the dark over how my mother ruined my life and I hate her so much. The emotional abuse and manipulation that I have gotten from her since I was a child, in lieu of love, just destroyed every part of me, my development, and my brain. I have SO many problems – married the wrong person very young, stuck in a 30-year mortgage for a house I don't like, bad career, all bad relationships – and I blame my mother for every single piece of it because she taught me that I'm worthless, so I have never had the courage to take care of myself. Now I'm stuck in these problems and each one would be like a colossal upheaval to try and fix. I'm extremely timid and passive, and I'm afraid of everyone. I hate her so much, and I fantasize about her death. I fantasize that one day she'll die and I'll get divorced and move out of my house and start over, even if it doesn't happen until I'm 70.

I just wanted to vent and put that out there somewhere. I don't have many people to talk to (hence the bad relationships), and sometimes I just want it to be heard and then be done. So that's all.

[Liketheducks]

I'm so sorry you're here, but you will get a lot of support.    You can level blame on your mom, where it is due.  Gently, You are the only person who can change your life.   You aren't worthless.   You are worthy of all the love and support you didn't receive.  You can change that for yourself with reparenting exercises, getting support here, getting therapy.   The little version of you deserves that.   It is never too late.   It does take a lot of work.  And the mourning of the relationship she should have given you....is hard.   Hang in there sadperson.   You're not alone.

[treesgrowslowly]

Hi sadperson,

The ugly-cry moments are important, but it is very hard to have them. I'm glad you reached out here. I have had many over the years.

This time of year can be very triggering for us, we didn't get the parent we needed. Hell, we didn't get a parent. How are you doing today?

Trees

[NarcKiddo]

It's good to be able to vent.

[sunshine702]

Little secret.  I fantasize about my mom dying too.  Have for decades.  I want just want the Narc judgement to end.  This actually is pretty normal. 
I mostly found that out here years ago.

Saying NO to these people is HELL - so we do things to go along and get along. Trust me I get it.

I suggest practicing NO.  Start real small.  No I can't meet at 3.  Four is better for me.  It's one tiny thing and one tiny hour but it is a win for you.  Then gradually move up to no I can't make it sorry.   

You are at one place down I road.  You are thinking about the turns you took.  The road down to your new life is paved with nos and some yes for YOU this time.