Perception / Reality / You / Johari Window

[Spring Butterfly]

Ok this sort of blew my mind. I know about perception being one's own individual reality but this is deeper and I find it immensely freeing.

A different version of you exists in the minds of everyone who knows you.

I [not me the writer of this quote] read a book that blew my mind. The main character goes crazy when he realizes no one really knows him.

The gist is that the person you think of as "yourself" exists only for you, and even you don't really know who that is. Every person you meet, have a relationship with or make eye contact on the street with, creates a version of "you" in their heads. You're not the same person to your mom, your dad, your siblings, than that you are to your coworkers, your neighbours or your friends. There are a thousand different versions of yourself out there, in people's minds. A "you" exists in each version, and yet your "you", "yourself", isn't really a "someone" at all.

So yes just like I have my version in my head based on my experience and perception of the PD persons in my life, other people have their version, the PD has their sterilized idealized version, and all are free to have that version and I'm free to have my version.

Here's though where it gets better for me having read the above...

The PD also has their own version of me. I'm inadequate, not enough, selfish, blah blah blah. They're free to have that version. There are also a bunch of other people who have a really wonderful version of me in their head.

Taking it further I can have my version different from all the rest, acknowledging my flaws and imperfections BUT also acknowledging my strengths. Why should I "buy into" and allow my brain to latch onto / obsess / ruminate / think I need to change / allow to hurt me / etc the version they're free to have? Why allow their perception to influence how I feel about myself?

Why would their version of me that only exists in their mind have any influence whatsoever on me?? It doesn't exist.

Someone else suggested this reference
https://en.m.wikipedia.org/wiki/Johari_window

[Hopeful Spine]

It's a mind blower for me too. 

I have a friend who is a waitress and her most annoying question she receives is, "how spicy are the wings?"  Well, the same wing will be mild for one person and flaming hot for another.  It's not question with a straight answer.  This makes sense for people too.  You can behave as you wish and one person will find you exceedingly helpful and another will think you are lazy.  The problem (more like MY problem) is when you work toooooo hard to deliver to another persons standards, while needing that approval on the other end.

It's also introspective to realize that the people we judge and find difficult are not that way simply because we believe them to be.  Our perceptions are not their reality.  A good reminder.

Thanks for sharing this.

[Wilderhearts]

The PD also has their own version of me. I'm inadequate, not enough, selfish, blah blah blah. They're free to have that version. There are also a bunch of other people who have a really wonderful version of me in their head.
...
Why would their version of me that only exists in their mind have any influence whatsoever on me?? It doesn't exist.

pwPDs often devalue/attack/DARVO us, and I think it works much of the time because we're afraid that if they think the things they say about us are true, other people must also think it's true.

I love that this dispels that lie; it really takes the power out of them trying to manipulate and control us by calling our character into question.

[Boat Babe]

This is really interesting.

I read somewhere that if a person gets to the end of the day and says that they have run into someone who is a (insert favourite disparaging swear word here) then that's unlucky. If a person runs into ten people who are (insert disparaging swear words here) then THEY are the (insert etc).

This is so typical of exPD bf.