My unpdh has been hospitalized for 3 weeks. I have to wait 3 more days until I can see him due to covid isolation. He is very very sick. I have no idea if he will come home anytime soon or if at all. Or if he will be lucid and able to be aware when I am able to see him.
I have no control, i never did. I was the person who tried to get him to take better care of himself before we got sick. I did many things as a kind of prophylactic against the disease. I urged him to do the same. He refused. Made up his own mind, continued to keep his habits as they were.
Now that he is in such serious condition, I am very aware of how powerless I have always been. It is horrible to know how he is suffering. I am not ready to admit he will never be the same person even if he gets well enough to come home. If he does I could be a full time caretaker to a very dependent person.
I just wanted to say that we live in our circumstances hoping for change, thinking things will get better, crying, praying, researching our lives away, when the pd person continues to live the way they want to live.
I also want to say, it is really okay to love a pd. You really can't help who you love, and we are all broken imo about something in life. This is our 50th year of marriage. I decided about 5 years ago to appreciate everyday, because with age come health issues. We have been "celebrating" our 50th most of this year with travel and pleasant times together.
Gifted with compassion, many of us live all of our lives with someone who just cannot love back. Most people are doing the best they are capable of each day.
For anyone here filled with anger and resentment, I wish I could take that away for you. I understand why you feel like you do, but it is self-destructive if it continues. You must find a way to love yourself in spite of the one whose love you cannot have the way you want. They too do their best even when it appears ugly and harsh.
That's all for now. I really want to see him when he is lucid and able to recognize me. I can't imagine being heartless and bitter at a time like this.
Tragedy or Hope,
I am so very sorry you are experiencing this current health issue with your PDh and am also glad that you personally are able to find acceptance and self-love amidst the turmoil of your situation. I will lift up your plight in thought and prayer for comfort.
SoT
Thank you SoT. Greatly appreciated.
More things I need to say:
I learned from a nurse over the phone the other day that he IS able to talk. In fact, this sweet toned, young woman told me they talked for an hour the other evening. She even told me some of the things he was talking to her about. I understand that in isolation one may end up talking to the walls. It must be extremely taxing for an N.
What bothers me is that he has his phone, all calls are forwarded to voicemail and I get texts that are somewhat incomplete, or he does not answer my direct questions. His behavior is as if he can barely communicate. Because I am his target person, I am treated as a standby. This I have known, but I have spent much prayer and petitioning for his well-being. All I get is his standard love-bombing statements.
Again, acceptance is my only answer, but these kinds of things make a lasting impression. Years ago I was in the hospital unexpectedly. He was there in the room with me but obsessed with how to work his new phone so he could tell his friends to pray.
I don't think I had ever felt so abandoned and sad. He was frustrated and it was all he could talk about, not my serious condition or even share in my dismay.
Nothing has changed. I think often that God is my El Roi. "The God who sees me." What else could I want.
tragedy and hope - I am glad you are sharing the things you need to say here with us.
These are deep and complicated emotional challenges - the life threatening illness your H is facing and you being separated from each other during this time. Very isolating for both of you and his lack of engagement hard to judge when you cannot see each other face to face.
All of this hurts and I am just so sorry.
Yes, it is absolutely okay to love a PD.
Are you just preparing for the possibility that he will suffer permenant damage or have you been told for sure he has? Three weeks is certainly serious.
I am baffled on your behalf that in this time of crisis and loneliness that he has not reached out to you or leaned on you. When apparently he can chat with others.
And it hurt to read his behavior when you were hospitalized.
I spoke to him today. He can only get 3 or 4 words out at a time and the sound of the oxygen is so overwhelming... I think I now understand why he hasn't called. He is on so many meds I don't know how often he is really lucid. I also know he has been so isolated he is really lonely. No harm done to me, I have decided to put my judgement aside as my God has revealed to me this week that everything that goes on around me is NOT about me. It has freed me.
I know he means no harm, he is just extremely needy. Add isolation, illness, meds and an ugly hospitial room and I decided I need not think twice about it.
I have had to rescue him from a "Nurse Ratchet." ( a character the the movie one flew over the cuckoos nest) yesterday. I was so sad for him as I learned how overbearing bossy and loud she was. He retreated by not eating, drinking or seeming awake. she complained to me he was not doing these things. She talked over my every comment and when I told her to leave him alone... since she went in the room of a very sick man to "educate him on his condition and why it was important to eat and drink" she got defensive.
I called the supervising nurse and had her removed. I then texted H that nurse ratchet would never see him again. Amazing... he asked to sit in a chair and ate some food I had taken for him.
Today, again, I had to speak up as the Dr. prescribed without telling me a very addictive benzodiazepine, for his restlessness. One which does more damage than good to someone his age. I feel like I have to fight the system. The Dr. who I asked to call me yesterday, has not called me yet for the second day.
I finally got a complete list of his meds this morning. If you don't ask they don't tell. So I am tired, do not want to fight this stuff, but if it were me, I would want me as my advocate. I will continue to pursue this physician. May have to call patient advocate.
By the way, NO one gets to make my H miserable... THAT's my job! HA!
Thank you so much for your kind support. My heart dropped to hear his voice this morning, so weak... but he IS getting better. Since I am an empath and live in my head... I want you to know you all mean so much to me. I only imagine who you might be.
Thank you for caring. It is very comforting.
Thanks for the update. I will be keeping you and your H's health in thought and prayer.
SoT
Very bad day today.
I was sitting in a chair in the corner of H's hospital room. Nurses cannot get his stressed breathing under control. Alarms are going off, he is lying there with mask on struggling to breathe, the noise is a whooshing sound filling the room. His whole torso is trying to do the work. Nurses are in and out with syringes full of meds.
Suddenly one by one... people all dressed in black, notebooks and equipment in hand start filing into the room. A total of 15! Conversing on what decisions they need to make...No one sees me in the corner in a chair. Finally I say, can someone tell me what's going on?
A young intern stoops at my chair and tells me my husband is in great danger. He is not able to breathe, they will have to intubate him. Takes me out of the room into an office and tells me it does not look good, they will know more in a few hours. Back he goes to ICU.
I have to wait to see him there as they have to get things set up. I come back at appointed time after grabbing some food... a chaplain meets me at the doors of the unit. I began to see some of the same black clothed people come out of the unit. And one of the drs. who had spoken to me earlier in the day.
H had a cardiac arrest. For minutes, I don't know how long. Dr. said he can't promise but he thinks it may have been a short enough time for no brain damage.
Chaplin had been in the room and saw what was going on but later told me he did not feel it was his place to tell me. H was gone for minutes, but they revived him. Nurse runs out into the hall, "do you want to see him? "she says... He had just been revived. They let me go in and kiss him... still very unstable. Me too.
Very serious things are going on for him from infection to blood clots. Still doing tests. Tonight he was stable on ventilator.
I feel it is appropriate to say these things. Some people do not love their PD partner and I get that. I happen to love the man who has been a challenge to my soul for 50 years, and seeing him suffer puts new light on petty things I should have learned better skills to cope with. I do not feel foolish romanticism or dramatized emotion... I feel helpless, truly helpless to change any of it.
I am not looking forward to the days ahead. It will be hard no matter what. I am glad for the moments we have had this year that were good. It has always been in God's hands, and most of the time I have tried to take things out of his hand to make it what I want it to be. People of faith will get that.
Two times in one day my life became surreal. That's how fast things can change. Think about it. Is what you want really what you want?
T/H, I'm so sorry to read what has been happening. You must be feeling so many things - ironically, numbness might be one.
You can feel at peace with what you have brought to the relationship - you've been thoughtful and compassionate, and yes, human.
:yeahthat:
Tragedy or Hope, thank you for taking the time for the update and so sorry that your husband and you are experiencing his deteriorating health. I will continue to keep you in thought and prayer.
SoT
Such certainty of the love you have for him in the midst of uncertainty. Praying for that peace.. the kind beyond understanding to guard your heart and mind through the coming days. :hug:
Tragedy or Hope,
My heart feels for you and what you are going through. Praying for you and your H. Sending you care.
Praying for your strength and comfort TH, sending virtual love to you during this difficult time.
He's gone.
He managed to squeeze my hand really tight during his dying process even under sedation. Our last real conversation was at least 5 week ago. covid had taken his breath away
I guess I will now find out what it is like to be without the negatives AND. positives of living with an N.
I am grateful for my faith walk all of these years. God had been preparing me for this for some time. Bittersweet.
Oh sweetheart, I'm so sorry. Actually crying for you.
:'(
I am so, so sorry, tragedy or hope!!
You are in my thoughts and prayers.
Tragedy or Hope - I am so sorry! What an unexpected turn. My thoughts and prayers are with you as you process and grieve. :hug:
I'm so sorry, Tragedy or Hope. Such a difficult time for you.
Even though we've been separated/divorced for over 9 years, and even though things are definitely not amicable between me and my uNPD exH, I know I'll be devastated if he dies.
The relationship with a pd has layers that relationships with nons don't have. The grief we have is not understood by outsiders. But it is so very real.
You are in my prayers.
AOD
Im so so sorry for your loss, Tragedy or hope. Sending warm thoughts your way...
Tragedy or hope,
I am so sorry for your loss and will be praying for comfort. Your comment about seeing both sides, and your understanding of being prepped, is such a wise comment created in the deep walk of both faith and turmoil. I will also be praying for those revelations and for you to start experiencing some healing, among the deep grief.
There is another lady here on Out of the FOG who is walking a similar path and her insightful comments of healing and comfort among the grief of loss, is so very up-lifting.
SoT
Tragedy or hope, I am so sorry for your loss. I will continue to pray for you.
Sending thoughts of peace and healing your way. :hug:
I can't believe it.
How could this have happened? I never wished evil of any kind on him, only that he would get exposed for who he was toward me But people are expressing to me how he lifted me up to others. other people knew him differently.
A few days before he got sick he said some crushingly crue things to me. Those things I remember said with intense anger on his face.
But, in his helpless state, all I could do was comfort him an try to be there for him. I already knew his emotional capacity. Even in his death I question my experience with him. One son told me his dad recently told him if anything ever happened to him tor take care of his mother.
Seems others in our faith adored him with genuine love. I have received many messages to prove that sentiment. His family members considered him a hero.
I am deciding to keep what I have gone through all of my life with him my secret from those who saw him other wise. Our sons have tender love toward him and we all know he was "different."
This is still the romanticized stage. Even now i feel a sense of freedom from his terse ways. My family is normal.We are having normal conversations and tension in room is not there for me anymore.
I am no ones target anymore. I am sad but my nervous system is getting a break. I will be grateful today. It doesnt mean I am mot sad without him.
I have a lot of healing to do
My thoughts are with you Tragedy. I understand how you feel, although I am trying to get away from my uPDw I would be devastated if she was gone. The bond between us and the PD is strong and special, most probably much because of the trauma bonding.
If my H passed away I don't know how I'd reconcile him in my heart. I'd have wonderful memories and also the worst, and the same man just could not be behind both. Who is the real one? What did he really feel about me deep down inside? I've had to try to accept both sides are real, and both extremes of his feeling are too.
Sincere condolences T or H. ❤️
Thoughts and prayers are with you as you go through this tough time. I'm so sorry for your loss.
Because it is a military service, it will be over a week until I can lay him to rest.
One thing God has given me already in all this tragedy... me. There is no tension in our family conversations, no debating, we are all pretty much in agreement about plans.
For me, I am clearly experiencing immediate daily a kind of peace. Yes, I know people are praying for me, but the peace is in him not trying to get into my head by doing or saying weird things. We are older and sometimes I felt it was an age thing, but it was not.
The positive statements of people around him would make one think he walked on water. Even his sister called him her hero. The confusion on my side is deafening. He said some weird things to people who were not in his circle. I am seeing he was truly someone different to others. I felt punished my whole life with him, he saved all his pretend emotions to give to others. Many of them were imitations of me.
He said horrible things to me, two days before he got sick, and of course apologized, but it was unnerving. I have much to process.
I asked God, am I the one who is being disciplined because I am still here? I recently prayed that I might know real love from someone(my husband of course 1st.) before I leave this earth just so I can see what it is like to be acknowledged that I exist without some symbiotic sick attachment
I am just not sure who he was. The one I knew was a unpdh.
What is going on is surreal. My children are reminiscing in a strange way. Other people outside our family are saying such positive things about their deceased father, one of my sons has taken their comments to define who his father was. He told me he just did not know how much others loved him.
While his father was in those relationships, he was extremely cruel to me emotionally over and over. After treating me as disrespectfully as imagingeable, he would go to bible studies and have "fellowship" with these men. NEVER making things right with me. Sometimes he would come home from his gathering, and turn back into that abusive person. Though he laughed and prayed and talked with others.
This is a fascinating situation to me. I am not quite sure who they are remembering. Yes, there was much good in him. But the relationship I had with him is not congruent with what others are saying about him. We are all flawed. No one is perfect. But this was a person who stole my thoughts, my feelings, my convictions, etc. He used them to his advantage in places with people to make an impression.
Now I am hearing one of our sons, a middle aged adult. reflect on what a man he was through the eyes of others. Not that my son does not have some positive memories. It was impression management then and now. If the people who thought he was great, knew how he treated me from one extreme to the other, I always wondered what they would say.
i am reflecting on these things because I find it incredulous that I am hearing what others thought and how they loved him when I knew where it all came from. Was he sincere, yes in the only way he knew how. i did not really know that man.
He was caretaking to a fault and most often to my disturbance.
This situation is so very weird. It does make me wonder how much was me. He was unable and unwilling to reason with me on any issue. Nor was he willing to live a life we shared. He could not come to that level. He had to do FOR me. What I wanted most he guarded and that was sharing. In anything. He just could not share feelings with me. this is why after my unpdh passing I am still in some kind of virtual haze, mystified.
what did I experience. Am I the crazy one. I know what happened to me and the sea of tears I cried.
Nacissism, PD, leave imprints that do not go away when the person does.
You have my sincere sympathy and prayers Tragedy. There are so many conflicting thoughts and feelings, and I'm glad you are processing them through writing to us. I would expect that your children are remembering the bad as well as the good but focusing on the good that they and others experienced. In time perhaps you will also look back mostly on the good. It's just so raw right now. I'm sorry you have to wait a week for closure.
If you're like me, after the passing of my daughter, I replayed the tapes of the bad last weeks over and over in my mind. It took a good while to get past it. Grief is hard. God will help you.
50 years. Wow. You really went the distance! You have squared your shoulders and put one foot ahead of the other. And you are leaning on God to sustain you in the next chapter.
Peace, my friend.
Mary
tragedy or hope,,
Thinking about and praying for you to find comfort in what was, what is and what is to come. As Mary said, glad you are making yourself available to lay it all out on the table here. We are reading. We understand. You are not alone in your experiences with him.
SoT
You've been left with a tangled mess. Instead of having memories of one normally complicated man, you have memories of cruelty that can't really be reconciled with the good memories that you also have, all against the disorienting memories other people have of a mask.
And that mask was constructed in large part or near totally out of your sacrifice.
Your feelings, positive and negative and really negative, are all valid.
Square, you are so right. Its sadness mixed with relief. I am hearing things from others he never told me about. Nothing secretive, just normal conversation between husband and wife, only we had little or none.
I feel maybe I am to blame for that because his conversation topics and the things he said were so out of our daily life, and what was important to us,, me... I really did not pay much attention. I kept trying to real him in to OUR life. He had little or nothing to say about it.
He was a love-bomber. It is very hard to know that and still have so many horrible hurtful memories I am glad for your comments.
It is crazy-making even in his death to deal with his world. He took the time while in the hospital to take just about everything off his phone that was in any way personal with anyone. 'All his messages, even logged out of email. The phone was new and I recently helped him set it op. It looked nothing like it when I brought it home. It was almost like he erased himself, that too feels terrible.He never wanted me to know who he really was.
People are coming out of the woodwork to tell me what a great friend he was, and I have so many memories of his mistreatment toward me before or after he spent time with them.
About the last 6-7 years I pretty much refused to have mutual friends because of the hurt in it for me. So the people who thought differently of him I do not have to see or communicate with regularly.
One of my sons has taken on the impressions of these people, and is amazed at how many people "loved" him. He had not expressed much of anything until he was incited by these people who really did not know his father at home. Because even with our children his range of connection was limited and they know it.
Thank you Square, SoT, Mary, losingSmyself,
boat babe, escapingman, Sea Breeze and Worth of Care
Your support is coveted and I find balance and validation in your comments and comforting words Thank you for the prayer.
A military honors service will be held this week. Then a new chapter will begin whether i like it or not. Life goes on
The thing that surprises me is the absence of the constant low grade anxiety I have been living with. I am not waiting to placate, escape a tense exchange, cringe at some off the wall remark, try to make peace or feel I have to escape his presence to feel sane. Everything is bittersweet right now. But I see already how i gave up normal decades ago.
I am more expressive with others already and feel free to say what I want rather than feel censored. and the whole room is not revolving on him obfuscating the conversation. Not uncommon to have people get up and walk out because the whole thing got so twisted, no one could follow.
I hope and pray I am not disrespecting my life partners memory by sharing these things. I will greatly miss many of his positive traits. the older I got the more I could accept what he was unable to give.
Bad man, no.
Broken, just very broken.
Sending you condolences during this very difficult time, tragedy or hope.
tragedy or hope,
Im certain both the camaraderie here among people who understand your words and experiences with a PD, and also your ability to use this place as a journal space to share your pain, your feelings and the confusion and hurt of having spent a good portion of your life with broken person, brings some comfort to you and for that also, i am grateful to be here with you.
In my own experiences and opinion, it is also good for us Out of the FOG comrades to again read the experiences of those who become removed from the entanglement with a PD, whether through the difficulty of a divorce or in your case (and a few others here) through loss of PD spouses, parents and siblings. It is so educational for me to be able to learn from those on that other side, and in a way, it helps me mentally prep and plan now, while im still living in the web of intertwined lives with my broken uPDw and uPDf. Thank you for taking the time, during this difficult period, to journal here, and I hope you also know that you are providing both wisdom and insight for our gleaning.
In addition, as your outer relationship circles 3-5 reveal their totally different memories of a man you did not know; a facade erected in order to bring a PD internal comfort, and to hide the truth of the raw reality that occurred daily with circles 1 (you)and 2 (your children), it also may bring you some comfort to know that your analysis of your husband was accurate. Therefore also, your strong move to understand and steadily soak up and apply the education here and in other sources, regarding your experiences, and use your knowledge to protect yourself, was a wise and insightful choice. These experiences now, validate you in these ways. So, as a fellow comrade on the trail with you, i tip my hat to you in your advance preparations to self educate and self protect.
In continued thought and prayer for comfort.
SoT
Quote from: tragedy or hope on November 28, 2021, 07:51:55 AM
I hope and pray I am not disrespecting my life partners memory by sharing these things. I will greatly miss many of his positive traits. the older I got the more I could accept what he was unable to give.
Bad man, no.
Broken, just very broken.
I don't think you are being disrespectful. I think you are just trying to process a complex, difficult relationship.
You are not crazy. Your H showed up very differently to others than he did for you. Your growing peace and openness is testimony to how stressful the relationship was.
https://www.christian-marriage-counselling.com/avoidant-personality-and-marriage.html
Are people with avoidant personality disorder misunderstood socially and professionally, and how does this manifest?
Well, yes the avoidant Personality disorder is misunderstood a lot. Their friends and social contacts will not realize they their friend is avoiding sharing anything personal. If a friend is concerned with them, they will invest a lot of effort in correcting and persuading their friend that there is no problem. They are good at staying undercover.
The same applies to professional contacts. They are very good at hiding, following the rules and mechanically meeting expectations.
Only in marriage do you get partners who realize something is wrong; this isn't a real marriage. This may take a lot of time. The marital partner feels vague dissatisfaction but can't put a finger on it. The avoidant personality is again very good at hiding while complying outwardly.[/b]
I feel like the military service that is planned is for the benefit of others who knew him at a different level than you did.
I want to give a tribute to you, from those of us here who are walking alongside and offering a different kind of support. You have not had to hide the truth from us. So here is a big big hug. You have said God has been preparing you for this and that He sees. To me, the song, Be True, seems to embody the faith that you have displayed in the long years leading up to today.
Be true Be True
The Lord is by thee standing.
Joyful with Him at last will be the ending.
Though hard the strife and long the conflict be,
Through faithfulness the Lord will honored be.
Source: Zion's Harp (author unknown)
Sincerely,
Mary
Thank you for sharing your difficult journey with us. I hope and pray that things will get easier for you. Sometimes I wonder what it will be like if my pdh passes away before me and you've given me a glimpse of what it may be like, since our husbands have many similarities.
I realized something this morning, I am broken too. I cannot bring unpdh back, and I am free from the angst of moment by moment changes in the atmosphere in my home. But I am broken too and very sad.
As a dutiful spouse of a unpdh, I am focusing on what other people have to say about him, because that is what happens usually when someone passes but maybe avoiding my own sadness and loss. I don't want to be brainwashed just by the sweet and meaningful positive things people say. I have my story with him and it is different. That is something I am beginning to see. Of course other people would say good things. What else would I expect. I am grieving the bits of softness, thoughtfulness, romanticism, care... at the level he gave them
It does me no good to wonder if I was too intense or contributed to what he thought was his misery. He tried to make me believe I was the reason we could not have friends. I did that for years and hurt only came from trying to share relationships,. He would share the food on his plate with me, but not himself or any other relationship of meaning. He could not. He needed too much, and no one person or group could give it. There was always a need for more.
I used to think he hated me. In fact in the the last year, he wished I were dead to my face more than once. It made me very sad. It's the irony of the illness. Something was totally awry.
I did my best each day.
I will finish out the necessary details of this terrible circumstance tomorrow. But I need to also begin to heal. I may look for professional help, as much as I am opposed to man's wisdom. I will find a wise and gentle person who loves the word of God and can extract me from the mire of hurt and abuse. I want to live a full life.
As they say in the twelve step programs; "God is doing for me what I could not do for myself." I will trust He is. I know it is His faithfulness and the prayers of people who submit themselves to Him that have made a difference in this experience for me. He is my El Roi, "the God who sees me."
I spent time in the Word finally this morning. I have missed it and could not focus. God did see me, my El Roi. His eye is on the sparrow and I know he watches me.
What a powerful difference being in the Word makes to my soul.
I am looking forward to seeing some of you in glory . You all deserve hugs too for taking such good care of me on this forum. Here is where my truth is told.
Until next time.
Thank you SO much for your condolences. It marvels me that you even care. Really.
Quote from: tragedy or hopeI did my best each day.
When faced with the years of an atmosphere of deep and most private pain there is nothing more that could be asked of you. I am so grateful that you know this about yourself.
You are walking by faith and I believe that soon the seeds you have planted deep in the soil of your life will spring forth and produce beautiful fruit of healing in due season.
Thank you for trusting us with your journey.
:yeahthat: to Bloomies post.
"I will finish out the necessary details of this terrible circumstance tomorrow. But I need to also begin to heal. I may look for professional help, as much as I am opposed to man's wisdom. I will find a wise and gentle person who loves the word of God and can extract me from the mire of hurt and abuse. I want to live a full life."
tragedy or hope,
There is much wisdom in your writing. Adding to it now, the wisdom and insight of this experience. I admire that you accept and love yourself for who you are; where you are at this time and what you may experience in the future as you begin your healing journey. I also respect that you understand that God has blessed others in their occupations, with the professional talents and gifts to come alongside us in our journey to heal, both mentally and physically. If, in my time on this Earth, i find myself loosed from the emotional bonds of life with PD's, i will also seek counseling in the healing process. My engines have been pushed hard for many decades and when/if my time comes for retirement from my emotional, physical and financial hyper-focus on both myself and the PD's in my life, i will take this machine into the shop for a complete tune-up, worn-out parts replacement and restoration, while i focus on calm Sunday drives there forward.
You stated the service this week was a military one. Therefore a hat-tip also to your husband for his service to country. No matter whether he had a PD or not, i respect the service of those who choose to defend country. I have not served and believe i was not called to serve in that manner, but the service of others allows me the freedom to pursue my own calling. Therefore again, thanks to your husband for his service.
I will continue thought and prayer for your forward movement in healing and comfort and yes, putting faces to names in Heaven will be a joy.
SoT
Thank you SoT for the hat tip.
This became his identity in his later years. Some due to so many health issues from agent orange, which ultimately made his fight with covid impossible to win.
I visited the cemetery today. I had sadness, but somehow things seemed right. It is a beautiful peaceful place and I did for him what I could to honor what he felt was important to him. The solemnity of the service and dignity were his values, when he was able to seem normal.
He was an honorable man. Never overtly unfaithful, (in his value system not mine. He hurt me often with his flirtatious nature.) prided himself on "doing the right thing" a gentleman and chivalrous always, even when it was no longer in style. Those are not untrue statements which I will miss him for, but that is only a part of him.
At the same time, he was violent in word and deed, hostile, vengeful, moody, unkind, sometimes hateful, abusive, disinterested, cunning, often boring, and I spent many days feeling generally uncomfortable with him. I even told him that I could not understand why I felt so uncomfortable with him, even when we had peaceful moments. I think after he retired, I had no time to regroup and I felt like he had permeated my mind. I seriously wondered if he was not a Christian by the inconsistency of his behavior with me and the rest of the world.
As a result, we really did not pray together or study together. I could not share my convictions without him feeling threatened. He would pray with anyone else, but only quick expected prayers at meals and travel etc. His prayers to me were kind of rote, and I felt no connection with him spiritually. How could I? This past year, he had communion with his men's group, which he initiated, but would never offer to do it with me. When I told him it bothered me, one day he set it up and it was very uncomfortable, spiritually and otherwisel
So, I have deduced, I have done well by him with his sons to not besmirch his memory, though my sons have said little about him as a person except that they loved him. I feel I have done my job before God to allow my sons to have a father, his grandchildren love him... and have a few memories they cherish.
I know my sons cherish me. They are/have been taking such good care of me. I am humbled by their tender care. Anything I ask, they too will do. Plans are in the works to help me regularly. They all have families.
This they learned from their father.
tragedyorhope,
Im sorry that you had such a difficult experience with your husband, not only in your marital relationship but also in your hoped spiritual relationship with your husband. Many years back, before my coming Out of the FOG, but knowing something was weirdly wrong, i gave up trying to include anything spiritual with my wife. Like your husband, she participated in religious activities and still to this day, attends a weekly ladies Bible study, but is very (i like your word) 'threatened' by sharing anything religious or faith related with me. Now, understanding NPD/BPD fairly well, i am able to connect the dots on how 'religion' is utilized by PD's, for a variety of PD trait reasons and i fully experience them in my PD wife and father.
I am purposefully separating my words 'religion' and 'faith' as i write. Like your husband, my wife participates in religious activities and for whatever motive, i dont care. Although I am not a judge in any way, of her inner-faith and inner-relationship with her creator, i do believe i have a right and healthy, protective obligation to myself, to correctly judge her religious activities to be a hypocritical facade-show, because i experience the opposite from her and i desire to boundary-protect myself in this way. Therefore, I choose to proactively separate others' religious activity from faith/relationship and i am emotionally freed in doing so and handing that judgement squarely to their creator. I am also mentally freed in my choice to judge the facade experiences and choose to proactively disconnect myself from my wifes religious practices, which i have done.
With regard to your husband, i read your past desire in your writing; to have a faith connection with him, but he did not, and you are not alone in your experiences and I'm sorry that occurred. If my wife precedes me in death, i want to have hope not in the 'religion' which i believe i understood, but in the inner faith and relationship which i was not able to determine, nor qualified to judge, and desire to meet my wife again in eternity, washed clean from her PD and finally get to know her.
Im wishing you the same hope, now that your husband has preceded you, so you may be able to peacefully rest that his creator knows his true heart, and you can have hope in a future healed reunion. Simultaneously, i will hope for you to continue to steadily shed his wrongful treatment of you, understand the things he did well (you mention his chivalry for example) and his inability on this Earth, to share with you in areas of your desire in a marital relationship.
Thank you for continuing to share in your journey.
Thinking about and praying for you,
SoT
T or H: I relate to a great deal of what you have shared. I feel care for you and am praying for you. I think you are doing so well at being honest with yourself about what your relationship with your H was like, and also doing your best to be wise and honoring of your sons' relationships with him.
Jesus does see you, Tragedy or Hope. This song came to my mind. https://youtu.be/04uKAWKEoG8 (Nicole Mullen).
Amazing song Worthy! Thanks for sharing. It really fits this thread.
Quote from: tragedy or hope on November 27, 2021, 12:11:25 AM
What is going on is surreal. My children are reminiscing in a strange way. Other people outside our family are saying such positive things about their deceased father, one of my sons has taken their comments to define who his father was. He told me he just did not know how much others loved him.
While his father was in those relationships, he was extremely cruel to me emotionally over and over.
Once our children leave the house, they see so much less. We sheilded them as children. I think they can forget or never realized the extent of the tension. My adult son understands in ways others cannot, yet has no clue what all I went through to give him a happy childhood. Given that you are not besmirching your husband to them, and they have not lived with the PD drama daily for some time, I can see how they also might have a somewhat skewed memory of their father. You have a lonesome road of grief in this regard. All the more comforting to know that God sees.
I had an opposite yet similar experience when my 2-yr-old disabled daughter passed over 20 yrs ago. Noone could know or understand the friendship bond that she and I shared. I had lost my best friend who was there through such dark days with uPDh. It was a loss noone else could understand because they did not know the depth of the circumstance. People would tell me what a blessing it was that she could go. God knew and saw though. I did not understand why He took her.
Sorry if I'm making this too much about me. I just thought it was an interesting contrast. The grieving process is so complex and hard to go through. Wishing you comfort,
Mary
I am thankful for your honesty. All of you. So comforting. I feel like you are walking through this with me in a way no one else could understand. I am sorry Mary for your loss. What was her name? She must be in your heart daily.
SoT... it sounds as if you have a strong resolve about even the religious aspect, which I don't think I had gotten to. But you are right, faith is very different than religion. And you are correct.
I always had questions about his faith walk, but I too am not the judge. Other people saw fruit I never really saw in sincerity but I too feel it is not my business.
Worthy thank you for the link... I wept when I heard that song.
Some of my grieving is also about what I did not have. Not just the loss of someone who at times was loveable and endearing.
I feel embarrassment and shame for what I allowed him to say to me, do to me.
I just did what I felt led to do. The song had meaning for me, because I spent my adult life longing to be seen by him for who I am.
I did the right thing to stay. I will do the wrong thing if I judge myself I know that. However, I think if I told my whole story, you would say, "what was wrong with her!" Why would she stay?
My convictions. Though God does not expect us to give up our lives for someone else; that was done by Him. I learned to give up self, yes, to a fault but I believe that will be blessed back to me by my Lord.
I like SoT's clear distinctions about judgement. I have found my sons to be very sound in their comments and responses to some of my grieving comments. I don't know if it's in their DNA or otherwise, but the perspective men put on situations IMO shed a great deal of light and open up new thought to me.
I see today, my first day alone, that I have always been alone. Not much is different than an occasional interruption. One big difference is privacy. I do not have to hide my tears, my texts, my letters, my zoom meetings my "Out of the FOG" page... whatever I was using to keep balanced.
My lack of trust in him regarding my feelings, caused me to create my own world without him. He knew less and less about me when I found "Out of the FOG" because he only gave cursory consideration to anything I said or felt. It was turned around to him and his feelings most of the time. If I was sad, he was sadder etc.
That's all for now. I hope it is meaningful to someone here.
I know this... after 4 weeks in the hospital with 10 IV's beeping machines and being sedated 24/7, in his last moments and heartbeats- with all his strength, he squeezed my hand and it felt as strong to me as when he was well.
I believe he truly loved me but did not know how to separate himself from himself. He could not let me see what I already knew... his weakness and defective heart (if you will). After 50 years, it's impossible to hide. God rest his soul.
Tragedy or hope,
You wrote:
" I see today, my first day alone, that I have always been alone. Not much is different than an occasional interruption. One big difference is privacy. I do not have to hide my tears, my texts, my letters, my zoom meetings my "Out of the FOG" page... whatever I was using to keep balanced."
"My lack of trust in him regarding my feelings, caused me to create my own world without him. He knew less and less about me when I found "Out of the FOG" because he only gave cursory consideration to anything I said or felt. It was turned around to him and his feelings most of the time. If I was sad, he was sadder etc."
There is SO much truth there describing the alone-together life with a PD and now your experiences afterward. You were alone emotionally but not alone physically. In order to keep the peace you had to be protectively private, yet he was already emotionally distant even though physically close.
I will assume your body, as well as your mind, is continuing to adjust to the lack of constant readiness and proactive protection regarding privacy and carefully executed actions and reactions. It is this freedom that I often think about, but sadly sometimes it comes through wrenching loss, as you have now experienced. It is always educational for me to read another's experiences from the other side of death or divorce with a PD.
We Out of the FOG, toolbox-handy non's really do carefully live in a lion's enclosure and we get so accustomed to living there that to the onlookers, it looks as if the lion is tame and we are comfortable. Not until we or the lion is removed do we realize just how cautiously and 'by-the-book' we had to operate while living there, ready to fight or flight at any moment, because the lion is a truly a wild animal at heart and can lash out at any moment. Thank you for sharing your experiences and although very sorry for you for the loss, I'm also joyed to read you are pleased that you stayed true to your convictions and now also are starting to experience a more relaxed life again outside the lion enclosure.
And wow, that last paragraph you wrote:
"I believe he truly loved me but did not know how to separate himself from himself. He could not let me see what I already knew... his weakness and defective heart (if you will). After 50 years, it's impossible to hide. God rest his soul."
That is quite a benediction.
SoT
Thank you SoT for your support,
Revisiting the earlier post of religion vrs. faith... My stomach turned today. I recieved a 4 page letter from a young woman who admired him so much when he was her bible teacher for several years until the age of 16.. when she heard about my loss she had to write me to tell me how wonderful he was.
She also wrote how she cried when she recieved a text from her father in a worship. service that he had passed... now at least 6 years since she had him as her bible teacher. My gut tells me she had a crush on him and he as a typical unpdh procured the attention of several of his young students. She is not the only one who seemed to be dreamy over him. I have not heard from any young men in his class, ever.
At one point in our past location, two sisters were so enamoured with him that their father, who knew him... arranged a brief meeting with his wife because she wanted to meet this hero of a man.
Times before he would be off to his religious group he would be rude and hateful to me over simple things... NEVER missing a meeting. Coming home to be as cruel as when he left or not giving me the time of day. Too tired. I would have called him the odd inappropriate interest in the girls and he knew it. It was one of his many little secrets.
He did speak once of having lunch with some of the other male blble teachers when they discussed one particular girl who I believe they all had a crush on her. I felt it was disgusting then and now.
This so irks me. This young woman sent me scriptures. I know she was reaching out to my grief but I believe after 6 years of not seeing him and having that kind of reaction... just not normal. Its as if he walked on water like no one else on earth ever affected her.
Once we had a long drive in the car and he had been particularly manipulative, avoidant and unkind. When we arrived at our destination, he invited me to have a beverage and indicated he would have something. I ordered, then he declined and told me he changed his mind. I was not able to take the drink out of a certain area, so he found me a seat like a child to sit and drink it alone. He said he wanted to walk around.
I felt awkward alone so I got up to follow... as he turned a corner there was a pretty young girl stocking shelves. He had already started his speel about her wearing a cross around her neck and what it meant to her. When he saw me come around the corner, he stopped the conversation and moved on, leaving me with the young woman. She started to tell us to have a nice day, she could see there was some tension by the way he walked away. I actually told her, "he likes to talk to pretty girls.." he heard me and was indignant the rest of the time we had to wait for someone to arrive. He would not talk to me or stand near me. I enraged him because it was true and we both knew it. He used religion to get dozens of conversations going mostly with women young and old who wore crosses.
I am powerless, and once again, I see his disrespect toward me and I am pained just a little more. He could not help himself unless he repented which he could not do.. and so he hurts me from the grave in a strange way.
This make me so sad. I imagine more will be revealed, than just this one. I need to prayerfully embrace myself and just work on healing. This situation really confuses my grief.
No insight, but I'm reading along and my stomach hurts a but. Because I know if I'm ever in a position to have parted from my husband somehow, there will be a lot of poison to process, and it will be quite painful.
I assume at some point the worst will, probably not be healed as such, but fade in urgency. Not hurt as much when it pops up.
tragedy or hope,
I am so sorry for your loss. My sincerest condolences.
I often think my marriage (32 years) as a chimera. What I often hoped for, wished for and believed but it was something else. My xOCPDh had those NPD tendencies - (flirted a lot with young women which I found a bit creepy) but that is not what I wanted to address. You are mourning his lack of physical presence, the way he died, your ideals and hopes and all that you wanted and didn't or couldn't get; mourning your guilt and anger and frustration at not feeling seen or heard. You went through the highest of the high and lowest of the low and now there isn't a physical person there to recognize you and the fact that you survived. You are mourning the love you had and still have - I too love my ex. I always will. I know that if he passed others would remark on his this or that - all of which would be in total contrast to the abuse that poured on me. It's crazy-making.
I admire your faith and I see you. We all do. We are all here for you. I will pray for you and for your husband's soul. For all of your family. I pray that you will heal and find peace. He is holding you in His hand with His grace, wisdom and love.
I am so sorry for your loss. I have been crying as I read the heartfelt posts.
My uPD husband passed a few months ago, like you I was there and held his hand until the end.
It has been difficult to process the loss as it is such a huge range of emotions I have been feeling due to his PD behaviours.
Sending warmth, strength and prayers to you.
Thank you Gentle Soul. I have been reading some of your posts also. I am so sorry for your loss. I see you have found the bittersweet in it.
Today I grieved for me. Sad that I spent so many years with someone who mistreated me, and yet I loved him, On a certain level he was not always that cruel person. That's what kept me hoping, like a child. We married as children looking for security. So we stayed together.
I too am feeling much peace. More important, I feel more like myself, and a certain joy than I have felt in decades. I find myself smiling and talking to people I don't know with sincerity and really enjoying myself.
It's not that I did not do this before, but it was if unpdh had some kind of control over my mind and I was always reserving or holding back some of me, kind of like on automatic pilot.
He is still in my head everyday, but I am doing what I want and there is no worry about what he will say or do. Sometimes when he was love bombing, all I could think of was how to get away from him. Since that was his primary MO... I spent a lot of time feeling like I had to run, or get away. He was not seeking me, he was seeking the satisfaction of once again playing with my well-being like a cat with a mouse. Interest, disinterest... kindness, meanness, pretend joy, immediately morose at will. Keeping me surprised, off balance, unsure of where I stood, etc... forcing me to move into MC which took all the life out of the room
This was the same man I had 3 beautiful children with, socialized, worshipped, vacationed etc... but as the years passed and we became more isolated (partly due to my non-compliance with him as I got more aware) he became more unavailable.
I am really not sure what I am grieving. I think I am grieving a construct in my head of what I wished it was but was never going to be.
I think I am also grieving, the person other people keep telling me he was, a kind of hero to them, because I didn't get that person from the heart. It was all I ever wanted. I often told him I would live in a tent with him if we could just be partners. He would/could never be that with me. Breaks my heart.
What a cruel joke on me, never giving me what was easy for me to give to him.
Simply to love with an open heart. It's just heartbreaking. He could be very charming, romantic, endearing, but there was always a caveat; something must be in it for him.[/i
I'm feeling sadness, anger at your H, and compassion for you as I read what you shared.
Thank you, Tragedy or Hope, for your kind words and understanding.
Bittersweet is an accurate description, I feel.
I relate to what you share about being isolated from each other due to our non-compliance.
To save my sanity I lived in Medium Chill but it did indeed cause a void between us but it was one that was sadly needed.
He wanted me to comply with all his alcoholic and PD thinking. It would have destroyed me.
All the best to you.
I am sad, and yet, I feel so free. My mind no longer is in static mode. I can think more clearly and I am no longer focused on mental escape.
I am having friends over for lunch today. I did not invite anyone into my home for 6 yrs. other than family. I think because I felt I had to hide something, or protect myself from more hurt. My unpdh made everything extremely complicated, so much so that it was exasperating trying to accomplish anything MY way. His fingers, thoughts, criticisms were always in the mix.
I spent the whole day yesterday preparing. I believe in preparing a place for people. IE: Jesus example of "I go to prepare a place for you..." because it speaks of love and desire of the person's presence. I learned this early in my married life.
So I set the table, rearranged chairs, straightened etc. as much as I felt I wanted to do. Today I will receive my guests with joy instead of angst. Somehow, today I feel good enough. I have not felt that way in decades.
I hope they feel the love that I am trying to express to them.
Of course I feel sad that my unpdh is no longer here. I feel sad for the terrible way he had to pass and for a few sweet times, when he let his guard down ever so briefly.
We who decide to commit have to accept either their behavior or their absence. But our souls are left to wrestle with the consequences either way.
Quote from: tragedy or hope on December 10, 2021, 07:58:26 AM
We who decide to commit have to accept either their behavior or their absence. But our souls are left to wrestle with the consequences either way.
:yeahthat: Yes. Ouch.
I hope you have a lovely time with your friends.
Quote from: tragedy or hope on December 10, 2021, 07:58:26 AM
I am sad, and yet, I feel so free. My mind no longer is in static mode. I can think more clearly and I am no longer focused on mental escape.
I am having friends over for lunch today. I did not invite anyone into my home for 6 yrs. other than family. I think because I felt I had to hide something, or protect myself from more hurt. My unpdh made everything extremely complicated, so much so that it was exasperating trying to accomplish anything MY way. His fingers, thoughts, criticisms were always in the mix.
I spent the whole day yesterday preparing. I believe in preparing a place for people. IE: Jesus example of "I go to prepare a place for you..." because it speaks of love and desire of the person's presence. I learned this early in my married life.
So I set the table, rearranged chairs, straightened etc. as much as I felt I wanted to do. Today I will receive my guests with joy instead of angst. Somehow, today I feel good enough. I have not felt that way in decades.
I hope they feel the love that I am trying to express to them.
Of course I feel sad that my unpdh is no longer here. I feel sad for the terrible way he had to pass and for a few sweet times, when he let his guard down ever so briefly.
We who decide to commit have to accept either their behavior or their absence. But our souls are left to wrestle with the consequences either way.
This, all of this. You speak my truth.
Thank you for sharing so generously.
"I believe he truly loved me but did not know how to separate himself from himself. He could not let me see what I already knew... his weakness and defective heart (if you will). After 50 years, it's impossible to hide. God rest his soul."
This statement sheds so much meaning on the whole circumstance. Just beautiful.
If I may add and pick up on a beautiful point raised about no longer needing to focus on mental escape.
I am also starting to see that now. So very much of my life was about distracting myself and finding relief from the mental stress.
I started to realise when I no longer enjoyed or was interested in the things I used to do, I then was able to see why. I don't need them anymore.
There were a pure coping means.
:yeahthat:
Yes GS!
I see that too already. Those things really were something to distract myself from the insanity.
I went to church for the first time in 2 1/2 years today. Peacefully. Complete peace. No criticism on the way home about the preacher missing the mark. Or that it was a waste of time, or he was not impressed... whatever. No anxiety about dodging his pressuring me to invite the pastor or anyone else to lunch so he could make an impression.
I met people, I did not think about anything but the moment. It was a divine blessing to go and come back home in serenity. What a relief.
I took my wedding rings off today. I didn't know when or how I would do it. During my time with the Lord this morning He reminded me... of the abusive moments starting year ONE.
Unpdh does not deserve one more day of my commitment. It is over. I dedicated more of my self than any human being should ever give.
I don't feel hateful. Just free. I can still feel sadness. I wept at the cemetery today. However, my life has been given back to me, and the less time I spend thinking on him the more time I have to heal and take care of me... which is long overdue.
When I think on the number of abusive moments that just pop into my head, the big ones not the everyday torment... I think I have paid more than my dues to crazy. When I start to feel some kind of longing for something in that psuedo-relationship, I try to turn it into a longing for my own well-being.
It's time to heal.
A beautiful share.
It is time to heal indeed. Our physical bodies, mind and soul. xx
:hug:
Tough day. Received the death certificate. I am having a hard time with feeling that I could have done more or made things different for him in the end. it was a terrible way to leave.
I would not wish it on anyone.
One thing is clear to me now.
Forgiveness makes all the difference. I said goodbye with clarity and in good conscience.
I see others here on this forum longing to get away from their situation, and I did too. Someone once said to me, "I wanted him dead until he was, now i miss him everyday. Be grateful for what you have."
She remembered thinking "if only he would drive off a cliff... "
People are only what they are, and our wishes for what we think is better for us and them are often not met. There might be a good reason for that. Looking back, I would change nothing. It was all meant to be. I know that now.
tragedy or hope,
I am wrapping you in peace and serenity as you move through the next most difficult of days. Your grace through this horror is inspirational.
There were days where I wondered what life would be like if he died. Not wished; just wondered. I miss him even with the divorce. I know I had to for I am certain would not have survived. But I still love him and care for him. It is a hard line to walk.
Forgiveness is powerful. My priest once told me that forgiveness is not for them but for yourself. It truly takes 70 x 7 to forgive.
:bighug:
I had some new thoughts this morning.
I am mourning the bits and pieces of a person tortured internally his entire life. I am no saint. I am not above his suffering. He could do nothing but overflow it on me. I am not excusing it, I suffered over it myself. I am not a victim, I was a target. Victims have no choices, targets can be moved.
He was not always bitter, hateful, abusive, disinterested, unkind. Sometimes he was a pleasant human being and would forget he was not supposed to be vulnerable. In the hospital bed I found him to be very loveable... he could not escape the vulnerability. This was the person/aspect of his being he fought to hide.
I had glimpses of it during our life together. He would even say to me, "You know everything about me," and what he meant is, "you are not wrong in what you see." We both knew it. At times it would be glaringly real, in our few normal conversations, and then as if it were a family heirloom... it would go back into that secure place and we would go on as if normal. The insanity could not be stopped.
I could have lived in a different environment, but as many have said here, you really can't get rid of them, they continue to permeate your life in some way. Even now, after I grieved so much over the years for what i would not have from him, he continues to be on my mind.
Tragedy or hope,
Thank you for posting about your ongoing processing and specific thoughts. Imo, a large part of the difficulty in my being a PD target is the fact that experiencing PD behaviors is like living by the ocean. Sometimes the seas are scary large, crashing, destructive waves and I feel as if im going to drown in the strong and frequent emotional pounding, not being able to find time to breathe.
At other times, especially in times of vulnerability for my uPDw, her abusive seas are very briefly tranquil and it can seem once again calm, giving me that slight restful emotional reprise. This repetitive cycle is for some, like myself, how i end up 30 years in a marriage to a uPDw.
If the ocean was a tempest all the time, the beachfront would not have takers who risk setting up permanent residence. Imo, this is why relationships with a PD are so difficult in many ways.
In a very difficult time a few years back, when I separated from my wife for a brief period of self-healing and testing my uPDw's waters for the reality of 'fear of abandonment', she accused me of being "willing to throw away our history". My reply is that i believe we are unable to throw away history. We can learn from history, we can choose to repeat or not-repeat history, we can remember history, but we cannot discard, nor erase it. There are some who attempt to do so, by removing symbols of history, but they are truly unable to erase it.
Therefore, reading your posts is another reminder for me that life is a collective history of experiences, and that even if I was physically separated from my uPDw, our long history is not something i would desire or attempt to forget, but rather use it positively, as you (and others here at Out of the FOG) are doing, as an educational and encouraging history-catalyst for the next chapter of my life experiences and hope, in love, both for myself, but also for my uPDw wherever she would reside at the time.
I wish you steady healing, comfort and increasing peace and joy as you are now experiencing prolonged calm seas.
SoT
Every sailor knows that the sea
Is a friend made enemy
Every shipwrecked soul knows what it is
To live without intimacy
I thought I heard the Captain's voice
It's hard to listen while you preach
Like every broken wave on the shore
This is as far as I could reach
If you go your way and I'll go mine
Are we so helpless against the tide?
Baby, every dog on the street
Knows we're in love with defeat
Are we ready to be swept off our feet
And stop chasing every breaking wave?
The sea knows where are the rocks
And drowning is no sin
You know where my heart is
Same place yours has been
And we know that we fear to win
And so we end before we begin
Before we begin
That's the song for my marriage, makes me cry every time.
https://youtu.be/cszigsFaChc
SoT,
So well put. So true. Descriptive language so appropriate.
Square, love the lyrics.
I think I may have emotionally checked out a lot sooner if I had known what I was facing. I could not know, i was not
That too cannot be changed.
The tapestry of my life is woven. Breaking the threads would be destructive.
I am sharing to reveal to others what the aftermath can look like, and to be a part of the human race no longer secreting his outrageous behaviors toward me. We must tell others, trusted ones who will see us through such heinous behaviors.
This website helped me to begin to grieve what I never had. it helped me "grow up" to some very hard truths and it encouraged me to survival behaviors and tools I could use.
I no longer felt completely alone, and my grieving started before he left this earth. But it was grief for what I never had and it helped me to stop using my energy for no reward.
Quote from: tragedy or hope on December 28, 2021, 08:05:03 AM
I am sharing to reveal to others what the aftermath can look like, and to be a part of the human race no longer secreting his outrageous behaviors toward me. We must tell others, trusted ones who will see us through such heinous behaviors.
This website helped me to begin to grieve what I never had. it helped me "grow up" to some very hard truths and it encouraged me to survival behaviors and tools I could use.
I no longer felt completely alone, and my grieving started before he left this earth. But it was grief for what I never had and it helped me to stop using my energy for no reward.
Thank you for sharing from these very difficult experiences in your life.
SoT
Quote from: tragedy or hope on December 28, 2021, 08:05:03 AM
We must tell others, trusted ones who will see us through such heinous behaviors.
This website helped me to begin to grieve what I never had. it helped me "grow up" to some very hard truths and it encouraged me to survival behaviors and tools I could use.
I no longer felt completely alone, and my grieving started before he left this earth. But it was grief for what I never had and it helped me to stop using my energy for no reward.
It seems that one of the hallmarks of a good spouse is that they don't share the dirty laundry of the marriage. But I do share. Maybe too much, maybe too often, I don't know. Sometimes I feel guilty about it. I try to be discreet. What is the line between gossip and emotional need? Leslie Vernick's writing encourages more openness so that people can see the truth and be better supporters. The Bible says to think about things that are true and honest (Phil 4:8), and coming to terms with the truth takes some processing. Others can help mirror reality for us when abuse has distorted our reality. It appears that your grief involved coming to terms with the hard truth. And this helped you shift your focus to more productive living. You moved away from wasting emotional energy. I like it.
Mary
As I am on my journey of grief, so far I have not found one piece of any kind of personal expression from my now deceased unpdh. i have rummaged through papers, email, messages etc.
When he was in the hospital I know he scrubbed some of his messages. He made a point of getting rid of all messages after he read them. He would then challenge me to look at his phone to see there was "nothing" on there to give me concern. He was very secretive.
Maybe that is common, but I would think there would be some form of communication between him and others somewhere in documented form, but I have yet to find any. oh he did keep one or two that express others praise of him. I guess to confirm how great he was to himself.
THIS is narcissism. No one is home there. The shell of a person had no real intimacy with anyone. Who else lives like that?
I feel like he purposed to leave little or nothing personal about himself. I have no proof of this of course, but it truly is like what i saw was what I got. There was nothing more.
When I was young, I thought he was mysterious. As I aged, I realized he was void of self.
When I picked my screen name on this site, I had no clue of how well it would describe my life a year later.
Moving on...
That's kind of sad, TOH. I bet you were hoping for a little peek into what was going on in his brain, any sentimental thoughts he might have had, about you, his life, family, friends.
I think that my H would be the opposite, as in his FB posts.. "look at how sensitive and caring I was!!" (Make sure everyone sees this if I pass) When in reality there's no 'there' there.
I wish you had found something that showed you that your marriage meant something to him, something to warm your heart a little. I bet it did, but he just didn't know how to show it.
Warm, healing thoughts to you
tragedyorhope,
Although sad to know your husband was an empty shell, im so very glad to read your analysis was correct, and that you are living your last two words "Moving on..."
As always, thanks for sharing from your experiences as you continue to share from your journey through grief. Thoughts and prayers for comfort and steady healing.
SoT
Perhaps it's better he scrubbed his messages. You never know what turmoil he was involved in that might distress you now. You can be at peace knowing that the constant stress looming under the surface is over.
Mary