some of my story *trigger warning*

[april867]

Hi all,

I'm in the process of trying to get away from my ex and just wanted to share a bit. He is not formally diagnosed but I think his behaviors align with NPD. I've known him for 1.5 years and thankfully am not married (though it's still been incredibly difficult to get away).

I've been sleeping on an air mattress in my dad's house for the past five weeks while my ex has been squatting in my apartment (he doesn't pay rent, I cover all of it). He was supposed to vacate multiple times and agreed to different dates, and then would always make excuses at the last minute. The last time I asked him to leave, he approached me heavily intoxicated on the street and accused me of "making him sleep under a bridge", then pulled a razor blade out of his pocket and pretended to cut his throat in front of me, then followed me down the street when I tried to get away, sarcastically screaming to everyone around us "sure I'm a big scary man and she's so innocent".

Over the past 1.5 years I've tried to leave several times, and he starts a campaign of nonstop texting and calling and hoovering behaviors. Eventually I learned I have to change my number immediately, but he still always finds me, and in the past I wasn't careful enough to protect my location from him and his flying monkeys. He accuses me of being the narcissist and that my mental health is "spiraling", and that he's the only one who can help me. He's punched through my wooden door in front of me and threw a glass cup in my direction, then grabbed some of my cash and put it through the garbage disposal. When I bring up these incidents of abuse, he tells me I'm the abusive one and that I made him act that way.

I haven't cut contact yet because he's still occupying my apartment. In the past 48 hours he's referred to me as "cancer", threatened to get a restraining order and threatened that the judge would see my sealed medical records (I have nothing to hide in my psychiatric history and am openly treated for depression and anxiety), and berated me for not forgiving him and accepting a phone call. My dad is planning on getting him out of my apartment this weekend, and involving police and the landlord if necessary.

I'm struggling a lot with how I didn't pay attention to the red flags in the beginning, and now I'm here, starting over at 28. And no one believes me except my family, he's done multiple smear campaigns and enlisted flying monkeys until our mutual friend group all turned away. I didn't know I was capable of hating another person so much, but I do. I can't wait to go no contact. 

[escapingman]

Call the police, please please please. You need him out and on record what he has done. He needs a court order to stay away from you and your property.

[notrightinthehead]

Welcome! You have found a good place- we understand from our own experiences. I am so glad to read that you have support from your family. Once you got him out of your apartment, change the lock and try to get a restraining order. What you told us sounds scary and dangerous.
Please study the Toolbox. You might want to contact your local women shelter too and find out if they have support groups.
Your partner sounds seriously disturbed and out of touch with reality, but that is not your responsibility. Your responsibility is keeping yourself safe and staying in reality. The reality is, it's your apartment, he does not pay rent and he behaves in an unpleasant manner. He has no right to bother you and he is free to be unpleasant elsewhere. You have to pick up your pieces and deal with the damage done to your health, mental and emotional, by his behaviour.
Good luck to you!

[hhaw]

april:

You're so much wiser than I was at 28yo. 

I invite you to drop judgment....
embrace curiosity in it's place...
be super duper kind to yourself...treat yourself like you would a small child.. with tsunamis of self compassion....
and....
know you've done the best you could, always.  Now that you know better, trust yourelf to DO better. 
I find dropping expectations is helpful too. 

As long as you're learning, mistakes are simply part of gaining wisdom...nothing to feel ashamed of.  In fact, shame slows growth and your ability to get past this with economy of motion.  Breathe..... deeply...... fill your lungs from the bottom up, like filling a vase.  Focus on your breathe.  It helps calm your Nervous System so you can think more clearly and SEE more choices.

Pat yourself on the back for ending this relationship as quickly as you have..... it could have been 5 years or longer.  You could have had childrne with this man, but you didn't. You have your father's help and support and willingness to handle the eviction of the PD...... so many good things to focus on in your life.  You're on your way out of this relationship!  Celebrate that and cultivate the feeling of freedom..... of returning to feeling your old self again. It's on the way.

Lots to unpack there, why yu became involved with ths guy, how to choose healthier people, learning how to protect  yoursel with good boundaries.  I believe you're  more than capable of keeping yourself safe.... I do.  A good trauma informed Therapist might help you process any new and old trauma so you can put it behind you and turn toward the joy in front of you.

Joy is a choice we make every moment.

Good luck.

[JustKeepTrying]

Hi April867,

I am so sorry you are experiencing this.  I am glad you have family to support you.  I hope that you can get him out of your apartment and the locks changed.

Here is some short term advice - look at moving asap.  As soon as you can, get a new place and move with no forwarding address.  It may cost money but you need to be safe.  Also consider a domestic violence shelter.  Know where to go and how to get there.  Have a go bag ready with the numbers ready to call.  Don't be afraid to call the police - do it.  What you have described here is scary and you need to be cautious.

Long term advice - the trauma T is vital.  Also look into CODA - and the toolbox on this site.  There are tools there that can help you in the future when you are ready to face other relationships.