I had my previous thread deleted. I'm afraid the professionals may come looking and find it since I mentioned using it for advice and support.
Anyway, I have set boundaries and now getting verbal because of it. I have only stopped overnight contact. She is still welcome to come on her usual days, just no more overnights.
I'm not sleeping because I'm getting calls to say she has vanished, or that she is in hospital again. Almost every night. So it's safe to say that im extremely uncomfortable and on edge come night time. Nevermind the nights when she is here.
Now I'm being told that this is the reason why she wants to kill herself etc. How can I expect her to get better if I keep changing things etc. What a lovely mother I am that I dont feel comfortable around my own daughter blah blah blah.
It's so hard trying to remind myself that she is trying to guilt trip me.
She has even told me that her last overdose was done just to spite the care home, not depression or suicidal thoughts. Just to spite them.
She has got my head battered at the minute with the twists and turns shes taking trying to make me feel bad. I'm feeling bad. I'm feeling guilty. But...I knew this would happen. I just need to try and ride it out without it escalating too badly.
This sounds incredibly hard. I'm sorry.
My H used to work as a care worker in a residence for developmentally disabled adults, not the same situation but perhaps there are overlaps. So I'm coming from that perspective.
Does the facility have guardianship over her?
Are these judgemental comments coming from the staff or a licensed professional overseeing her case or both?
Sorry I wasnt very clear in my post, i realise that now I've read it back over.
Those comments are from my daughter.
Just the grief I am getting because I made a decision she doesnt agree with.
Yes they have guardianship of her.
I see.
Still, is the facility supporting you in this? Do I recall that they have made some demands on you or judgements about your level of contact/availability?
In my H's line of work, the facility also had guardianship. They had a mission of supporting the families, but demands of any kind were not made on them.
If the facility is not adding to your burden, and it's only her - then, I'm sorry, I have absolutely nothing to add but my best wishes. I've seen parents set boundaries over their children's drug use or dependent behavior but this is another level.
Previously when I have tried setting boundaries, they have made me feel quite pressured or tried talking me out of it. They didnt this time. Thankfully.
I think it has all went far enough now to where they cant even question my need to pull back a bit because it is too much for anyone.
Thank you very much :)
I've found that setting boundaries and keeping them in place is exhausting for me and results in an increase in attempts to test boundaries.
However, I've learned that I have to set boundaries, keep them in order to be healthy. We have a right to keep toxic out or at arm's length.
Sounds like boundaries with daughter and staff are a good idea.
Momntjefig
It really is exhausting. It's just anxiety inducing, even just knowing how they will react to a boundary before it is even set.
You're right though, it is important to set them and stick to them. She tried every which way to get me to change my mind, without realising everything she was saying was just showing me that I made the right choice. She was awful. But today she has apologised, accepted what I have put in place and asked if she could come tomorrow. Which I said yes to.
So far there have been no consequences to her running away and overdosing all of the time. Me doing this has been completely unexpected to her. I am hoping it is enough to put a stop to all of that. If she really wants to have overnight again, then that is what she needs to do in order for me to feel comfortable enough to have her overnight.
Fingers crossed.
It has only been a couple of days since I said no more overnight, but i think it may have been what has been needed.
I've had no phone calls of any negativity at all. No running away, no nothing. She has even been doing an activity she liked but stopped
That's great news!
Be prepared for the possibility it's temporary.
But it's great news indeed.
Thank you both!
Numblotus - I'm prepared. I do believe this is calmness to try and get back again, but I am enjoying the peace from it all at the minute.
Hopefully it is longer lasting than I expect.
And here we go. I am shaking with anxiety. She has started again. Getting angry because I wont say that she can sleep on the weekend. She is currently at the hospital again!
I explained why I'm not comfortable with her sleeping yet, but that if things continue as they have been then it shouldn't be an issue. Obviously she is feeling a bit rubbish in herself knowing that what she has done has put a dent in how I'll feel for this weekend. But if this is going to be it, then I'd be fine. But...she started getting nasty. I asked her not to be nasty and she told me I'm just over sensitive and cant take her opinion.
Her opinion was having a dig at my overdose a few years ago when I was severely depressed and suicidal. I'm not proud of that, but I've came a long way since then. For her to throw it at me like that I just find it extremely low and nasty.
She then proceeded to tell me that she wishes I would die.
Which again I find absolutely awful! We have spoken in depth about mental health etc. And she has spoken to me about things she has heard elsewhere and posts stuff about if people need her she is there no matter what time etc. She has spoken about how it doesnt take much to trigger someone who is low so people should be careful with their words. Yet she says this...to her mother.
It's not the first time either.
So I know that she knows. She also knows that I am back on anti depressants.
Thankfully I'm not in a position of being triggered that way, but she doesnt know that.
I honestly dont think I can take anymore. Shes getting far too old to be throwing temper tantrums like this and for me to just let it go as if nothing happened.
Theres starting to be too much water under the bridge. In fact it's already starting to overflow. I've had enough.
Your last post reminded me of the ephimy I had relating to watching Jerry Wise on you tube. I wont be good a describing it so ill give a link. His talks are very helpful to me.
With success using the theory the result would be you reacting to your D as if she had said "mom you are such a Coca-Cola" :o instead of shaking with anxiety from her dig at your overdose. It would mean letting go of caring what she thinks of you.
Its much much easier said than done!
I dont have the exact same experiences as you but maybe it could help you too if you could give it a try. https://youtu.be/H78tml5IdiA
Best wishes for you and your family.
Thank you so much. I will look him up on youtube once I've got the kids in bed.
She has apologised now saying they were accident words because she was stressed. I get stressed but I'm not nasty to others because of it. I really dont know if I can come back from this one. I really dont. It happens far far far too often.
I cant even respond to her or open her message. I just cant be bothered with it all anymore.
Quote from: Fedup2020 on January 27, 2020, 04:08:04 PM
I cant even respond to her or open her message..
I think that is completely understandable! IMO it sounds like a perfectly reasonable response. So dont feel guilty about that! I hope you can get some rest. Wishing you peacefulness tonight especially.
Thank you peanut butter :)
That Jerry wise posted a video an hour ago about preparing to go no contact! I'm watching it. It's very interesting, and helpful. So thanks again!
You put a boundary in place and she pressed up against it to see if you'd enforce....you did and she acted like a toddler....sadly, PDs seem to have the emotional maturity of a toddler....lying on the floors, arms and legs flaying around screaming.
And she knows how to attack you and how to get to you.
I'm sorry this was so short lived.
momnthefog
It is such a shame. I still have no idea how to respond to her apology. It means absolutely nothing I know she thinks if she says sorry, all is forgotten and things are back to normal. It's not a genuine apology.
I cant continue like that anymore though.
I'm not able to forget these things as easily as I could when she was like 12. They're slowly mounting up and I'm feeling resentment.
Quote from: Fedup2020 on January 28, 2020, 03:20:26 AM
It is such a shame. I still have no idea how to respond to her apology. It means absolutely nothing I know she thinks if she says sorry, all is forgotten and things are back to normal. It's not a genuine apology.
I cant continue like that anymore though.
I'm not able to forget these things as easily as I could when she was like 12. They're slowly mounting up and I'm feeling resentment.
Im glad that Jerry's new video was so perfectly timed with just the subject you needed. I often feel that the 'universe' or a 'higher power' often subtly shows or tells me what I need at the time I need it if i closely watch and listen for it.
I think that not answering or responding to the messages is an appropriate response. Someone on this forum has talked about that. Wait it out. Then maybe you wont need to anything. Not all texts require a response. Someone on this forum says that too.
Ive learned so much here. I hope you do too.
If you liked jerry wise he has a video "setting boundarieies does not mean i dont love you." https://youtu.be/BNJXTjK-SCo I know your time is limited but he is so inspiring and validating to me. And I want that for you and all of us. He said in one video that to save yourself you may very well have to leave some you love behind: mothers, brothers, children, even pets. That helped me alot to hear that.
IME Once you ''save' yourself' you can heal and get to a healthier place where you will ultimately be a better support for your daughter. She may not ever recognise this is so. That doesnt matter IMO It will be her choice if she wants to be in your life she will respect your boundaries.
If she doesnt respect your boundaries she will be choosing to not have a relationship with you.
IME I would focus on yourself. That is not selfish or self centered. It is the first and a vital step in being a good enough parent!
It definitely felt like it was some kind of sign when I seen the title of his most recent video I am really looking forward to watching more tonight when I've settled down for the night. I will definitely check out the video you have suggested. It seems like it will have some handy info in that I could do with right now.
I am loving the circuit breakers as well. I'm trying to remember and add those to my tool box!
Hopefully with this forum and those videos, along with how fed up I am with it - hopefully it will be all I need to fully focus on myself. I think I am getting there. Slowly. It's hard which I'm sure you're all well aware of how difficult it is, but fingers crossed that in the very near future I will be there.
These were great videos. Thanks for sharing them!
momnthefog
Those videos have given me so much strength. I have been watching them when I go to bed. It has helped me in other areas too.
An update to the situation though. I reached out and told her she could still come for contact, but no overnight. I realised I would have been reacting emotionally rather than actually ready to end contact. (Thanks to the videos). She said she was shocked I was willing to have contact after what she had said but understood the overnight and that she would stop asking for it.
It lasted a week and now she has started again.
Once again it is I who is pushing her to do these things for not allowing her to have overnight and treating her differently to my other kids. The only thing different is that they live here and she doesnt. She doesnt because she was hell bent on not living here and deliberately kept doing things to be put into care. (She would openly admit that was what she was doing at the time). The police told me if I took her back, I'd risk losing my other kids, so it wasnt that I handed her over to children services because I'd had enough. Even though I had had enough.
Anyway. Shes trying hard to manipulate here. Even threatening to end contact with me. So I reminded her that if she does end contact, it's her choice and on her. Not me. I havent ended it. She has. I've told her I'm not discussing overnight anymore, and that I will tell her when I am ready for it. Apparently this is me messing her about and not taking her mental health into consideration. As she plays on my mental health telling me she has been patient with me for years. Patient with what I dont know. Its crippling anxiety I have which does not impact the level of love and care I give.
It has been the other way around. I have put up with so much abuse from her, its unreal.
I want to remind her so much that it was just last week she wanted me to die. She seems to forget all of the horrible stuff she says and does and expects people to just move on instantly.
Also bare in mind that she is in hospital AGAIN after taking tablets. Again. The whole reason I am uncomfortable with overnight contact!
I also want to add that the videos have helped with disengaging. Not taking things personally is getting easier. Instead of staying all worked up over it, its slowly pushing me away. I still am being affected as it's happening, but I can quickly get over it and I definitely am not feeling a need to defend myself anymore.
I dont think I have much left in me at all to continue this kind of relationship though.
After saying she doesnt want to see me anymore, she is now asking if she can come over. I honestly cant keep up with the flip flopping moods.
I'd rather she just hated me completely. All of the time.
It was all a ploy to have another go at me.
It was the final straw for me. I've told her I am done and blocked her. Told her if she wants contact with her siblings to speak to the staff and we can arrange something but I am finished.
I cant take it anymore. I really cant. She gives me crap and then blames me for it but fully believes that I deserved it and I brought it on myself. She never accepts responsibility for her own actions. I'm sick of it.
Quote from: Fedup2020 on February 07, 2020, 08:33:04 AM
The police told me if I took her back, I'd risk losing my other kids, so it wasnt that I handed her over to children services because I'd had enough.
This is why I suggest to parents with other kids in the house (especially younger ones) to prioritized protecting those kids who can't chose to leave.
No parent wants to chose between children. Our hearts and souls were not designed like that....but you are literally on a life raft with limited space. Your duaghter's life raft is within reach but she consistently refuses to reach for it...instead she grabs and pulls at yours, tries, to push you and other others off.
She has no right....and those on the raft with you deserve safety and protection from the storm.
I"ve been there....I've had to chose to walk away from toxicity.....it's the most difficult and also the most freeing decision I've made as the mother of a PD adult child.
Hugs!
momnthefog
Quote from: Fedup2020 on February 09, 2020, 08:15:03 AM
Told her if she wants contact with her siblings to speak to the staff and we can arrange something but I am finished.
Suggest that contact with siblings (especially if they are minors) be based on the younger kids desires. Otherwise she is likely to manipulate and triangulate them against you.
momnthefog
I'm expecting her to refuse contact with them as a way to punish. She has done this in the past when she has refused to see me, she refused to see them too. The only thing she wanted to see was my dog. Which this time round is a definite no, no matter what.
It will be contact with her siblings only, and never at my home.
You're right about the manipulating and triangulation. Hopefully if and when contact does happen between them all is okay.
Thank you! I am sorry you had to do the same, but it is nice to know that somebody understands.
Quote from: Fedup2020 on February 10, 2020, 04:53:05 PM
I'm expecting her to refuse contact with them as a way to punish. She has done this in the past when she has refused to see me, she refused to see them too. The only thing she wanted to see was my dog. Which this time round is a definite no, no matter what.
It will be contact with her siblings only, and never at my home.
You're right about the manipulating and triangulation. Hopefully if and when contact does happen between them all is okay.
Thank you! I am sorry you had to do the same, but it is nice to know that somebody understands.
Hi fed. IMO YOU ARE DOING GREAT! I know it doesnt feel like it. She is use to her tactics breaking your will. So she will probably continue to test and try for some time. Stand your ground. Remember you are being a good mother when you do this. It is in her best interest that you dont cave to her so she unlearns trying to get her way this way.
Quote from: Fedup2020 on February 09, 2020, 08:15:03 AM
It was all a ploy to have another go at me.
It was the final straw for me. I've told her I am done and blocked her. Told her if she wants contact with her siblings to speak to the staff and we can arrange something but I am finished. I cant take it anymore. I really cant. She gives me crap and then blames me for it but fully believes that I deserved it and I brought it on myself. She never accepts responsibility for her own actions. I'm sick of it.
This is how you know and I mean deeply know without doubt that discussing anything with her about her behavior or your reasons is fruitless. These are not sensible thought patterns. They are manipulation tactics IME. so blocking her each time she pulls this is the only way I can see you can protect yourself.
Quote from: Fedup2020 on February 07, 2020, 09:17:19 AM
I also want to add that the videos have helped with disengaging. Not taking things personally is getting easier. Instead of staying all worked up over it, its slowly pushing me away. I still am being affected as it's happening, but I can quickly get over it and I definitely am not feeling a need to defend myself anymore.
Im so glad you found him helpful. I do too. I watch every day its my 'thearapy sessions'
You can model for her all the new emotional healthy techniques you are encorporating to cope from a distance. This IS what a 'good' mother does. She loves herself. She takes care of herself, knowing that she cant give what she doesnt have.
I cant remember if I mentioned but jerry wise has video "calmness is everything" and "letting everybody around you grow up' https://youtu.be/yN3n3zOA37I
Hang on. Im proud of you. I know it hurts you more to do this than to just give in to her.
Thank you peanut butter. I will check out those videos. I've watched a fair few but I dont think I've seen those ones yet.
I had tried switching off for a few days, but then the phone call came. She is in hospital again after burning bridges with another person who was close to her.
I havent reached out. I've no intention of reaching out. Though I do hope she is okay. It is hard to keep the distance when I know shes back on hospital, but it's a common theme.
It's like a huge distraction to her wrong doing and flipping things so she deserves the sympathy, rather than people being rightfully upset with her.
It feels awful saying that that is how I think of it, but it's a pattern.
No doubt I will be painted as an awful mother once again, by ignoring the fact she is in hospital. I check in with the staff, but that's as far I go.
Quote from: Fedup2020 on February 19, 2020, 08:36:07 AM
Thank you peanut butter. I will check out those videos. I've watched a fair few but I dont think I've seen those ones yet.
I had tried switching off for a few days, but then the phone call came. She is in hospital again after burning bridges with another person who was close to her.
I havent reached out. I've no intention of reaching out. Though I do hope she is okay. It is hard to keep the distance when I know shes back on hospital, but it's a common theme.
It's like a huge distraction to her wrong doing and flipping things so she deserves the sympathy, rather than people being rightfully upset with her.
It feels awful saying that that is how I think of it, but it's a pattern.
No doubt I will be painted as an awful mother once again, by ignoring the fact she is in hospital. I check in with the staff, but that's as far I go.
Im sorry for the painful worry you must suffer through each time she has to go to hospital.
I hope you remain confident in your resolve that to 'be the leader' in this situation is what is best for everyone.
Her opinion and or 'ideas' about what you should do and 'how' you should be are not based on reality since her disorder skewes her perception. IMO you can still empathise with what she 'feels' but not let it change what you 'know' to be truth.
As I see it you cant be awful for ignoring that she is in hospital. You are NOT ignoring it. You called staff and check on her. You are on this forum talking about it. I bet you think about it often too.
IME avoiding talking to her directly is a wise decision at this point. She may just get upset and try to battle with you if you make direct contact.
You're right. I do think about her constantly. Constant worry. Thankfully she is out of hospital now.
Only now she is working on my son. She told him he is excluding her, that he never takes her side and that I have put him in a horrible position.
It's very easy to believe what she says so I just have to hope he remains level headed. Hes not daft, so fingers crossed he sees it for how it is.
I dont know how to handle this. If I say too much about what she is doing, is that then me doing some kind of manipulating. If I dont say anything, is she going to turn him against me.
All I can do is hope for the best.
Im glad shes out of thw hospital.
Depending on the other childrens ages i would limit her contact with them if she uses the calls to manipulate and triangulate them.
If your son is old enough to decide himself IMO I would tell him that he has a right to hang up when she starts saying things that upset him. And he has the right to not take the calls. He doesnt have to tell her why he cant talk. He can say hes to busy or too tired to talk if he wants to tell her a reason.. This way he can get out of it.
Remember that if it upsets you to listen to her say the things she says, your children will experience the same. They may IME feel obligated. They have been watching you over the years and plus she tells all of you that you are all obligated to put up with her. NONE OF YOU ARE OBLIGATED TO HAVE A RELATIONSHIP WITH SOMEONE WHO IS EMOTIONALLY AND VERBALLY ABUSIVE!
100% agree. I'll have a chat with him if and when she starts again. I honestly dont believe he would allow her to keep it up. I think a lot is my own worries and fears that she will turn him against me.
I think me not stopping contact with them, and leaving that ball in her court will be an eye opener.
She told my oldest son that she wants to see them all, but she cant. He simply asked when she would like to see them and she said she doesnt know.
That's when she tried telling him he was put in an awful position.
Ideally for her, I think, would have been me saying no contact between them so she could use that against me. Only I didnt and so she cant. It's down to her choosing to maintain that relationship with her siblings, or not. Neither of which is in my control so cant be pinned on me.
Hopefully things remain quiet for a while longer before the next blow. I am already seeing an improvement in myself. My appetite has increased and I havent had a migraine. I suffer badly from them and i think this is the longest period of time I've gone without one.
I dont know if the migraines were connected, but it's really strange that I've not had one.
Quote from: Fedup2020 on February 23, 2020, 12:53:47 PM
100% agree. I'll have a chat with him if and when she starts again. I honestly dont believe he would allow her to keep it up. I think a lot is my own worries and fears that she will turn him against me.
I think me not stopping contact with them, and leaving that ball in her court will be an eye opener.
She told my oldest son that she wants to see them all, but she cant. He simply asked when she would like to see them and she said she doesnt know.
That's when she tried telling him he was put in an awful position.
Ideally for her, I think, would have been me saying no contact between them so she could use that against me. Only I didnt and so she cant. It's down to her choosing to maintain that relationship with her siblings, or not. Neither of which is in my control so cant be pinned on me.
This is such a good idea of dealing. She will show her true nature to her siblings you need not say anything about her.
Hopefully things remain quiet for a while longer before the next blow. I am already seeing an improvement in myself. My appetite has increased and I havent had a migraine. I suffer badly from them and i think this is the longest period of time I've gone without one.
I dont know if the migraines were connected, but it's really strange that I've not had one.
Absolutely I use to get stiff necks (i mean very painful) and I now KNOW that upset and stress was causing it. /quote]
It's amazing how it can affect us physically as well. It doesnt sound believable. I'm glad you managed to get some relief from the pain in your neck too
So the past couple of days she has been using her siblings to get to me. Stupid messages to the younger one to ask about a song...which I couldnt remember what one she was talking about. She kept asking until I said to my son I dont know and I'm busy so just leave it. She didnt like that, so blocked him for a while.
Shes now trying with my older son.
Asking him to ask me things and stuff and huffing and puffing when I dont respond how she wants. Shes a bit more blunt with him and says things like I should have aborted her and stuff and how I hate her.
I have explained to him that he doesnt need to listen to it, he doesnt need to engage in the conversations especially when she is clearly looking for an arguement.
It seems she is starting more with him now that she cant get to me which is awful. If it happens again after this time, I will have to speak to the staff.
I dont know if it's part of her plan to get in moods with them because of me, so that I take them out of the middle and put myself back in the frontline for her to get me directly.
It's just odd things shes asking them to ask me. Then to go in a mood and block her brother because I couldnt remember which song she was talking about, no matter how many different ways she tried to describe it. It was pointless to go on the length of time she did when it was obvious I had no idea.
It was also no fault of her brothers, but it had him asking me if I was sure I couldnt remember because now she has blocked him. So to him, in a way, it could seem like he was blocked because of my poor memory. Which is ultimately my fault.
Thankfully she unblocked him, but that worry will be there with him next time she asks him to ask me something.
Argh the frustration
I really hate to hear this for your sons mental/emotional well being.
I hope you can really try to emotionally detach (unenmesh) from her, her thoughts, and her emotions. Once you start to model a better coping mechanism to her behaviors your sons will follow your lead.
It seems like your son would have been better off if she had not unblocked him. How did he know he was blocked?
I would strongly suggest not engaging with her for them also. What you are getting is what you will continue to get. It doesnt matter why she wanted to know about the song. I would not try to 'folllow' a disordered person's thinking. I would humbly suggest you already know why shes doing these things. It is her disordered mind. That is not going to change. Even with the treatment shes still not getting better.
What are your expectations of her? Does she know what your expectations are?
If you are hearing all of her words and noises (huffing, puffing) expressing her frustration when your son tells you, this has the same effect as you talking to her imo. Imagine the effect on your sons. Your sons only have had one model of how to deal with her. If its not working for you it will not work for them.
Cant YOU block her from talking to any of you?
Imo i would not put my other children as a shield between her and you. I would shield them from her.
Honestly, if I knew of the best way to block her from contacting any of us, I would. I just dont know how to do it.
My younger son knew she had blocked him as he could no longer contact her during their conversation.
If I tried stopping him talking to her he would find new ways.
Do you have any ideas on a different way?
All I feel I can do at the minute is explain what she is doing when she is doing it, how it's not right or acceptable. That I wont accept it anymore and they shouldn't accept it either.
I'm going to hit up more Jerry wise videos about unmeshment.
Thanks again peanutbutter
Quote from: Fedup2020 on February 26, 2020, 03:11:02 AM
Honestly, if I knew of the best way to block her from contacting any of us, I would. I just dont know how to do it.
My younger son knew she had blocked him as he could no longer contact her during their conversation.
If I tried stopping him talking to her he would find new ways.
Do you have any ideas on a different way?
All I feel I can do at the minute is explain what she is doing when she is doing it, how it's not right or acceptable. That I wont accept it anymore and they shouldn't accept it either.
To block her from all numbers set up an account with your cell provider and input her number. It might take some looking through their website to find "block numbers." my provider has a block from all phones option.
The other option is for each to block her individually as your son has done.
Are you familiar with the term "flying monkeys?"
It's a reference to the movie the Wizard of Oz....when the bad witch sends her flying monkeys to harass Dorothy and her friends. Using that analogy with your children might help them see how big sister is using them to get to you.
If you are in family therapy, it might be helpful to enlist the assistance of the T to help guide the younger ones.....older sister is sick....she needs time to get well....when she is sick causes tension and stress....when she is sick she uses other people.....or something like that.
I'm so sorry, she's now using the others but hopeful that they will come to understand the situation as best they can given their age.
momnthefog
Quote from: Fedup2020 on February 26, 2020, 03:11:02 AM
Honestly, if I knew of the best way to block her from contacting any of us, I would. I just dont know how to do it.
My younger son knew she had blocked him as he could no longer contact her during their conversation.
If I tried stopping him talking to her he would find new ways.
Do you have any ideas on a different way?
All I feel I can do at the minute is explain what she is doing when she is doing it, how it's not right or acceptable. That I wont accept it anymore and they shouldn't accept it either.
I'm going to hit up more Jerry wise videos about unmeshment.
Thanks again peanutbutter
Oh fedup I know you are doing all you can do. Im so sorry you are going through this. I do think your plan is enough to change the dynamic. Its just a slow process.
Dont forget self care. Its so hard to remember for me sometimes.
A very very painful thing for me to accept and go through was that i could not protect my children from
all manipulations and
all pd persons
all the time. Its so hard wathcing them learn the painful truth the hard way about persons supposed to love them who are letting them down.
This is my struggle so I think I was triggered by your post because I have that wound.
Usually I use visualization techniques of an awesome outcome for them even when its uncertian. I think about that they are children of a higher power. They will be cared for the same way I was. I feel I did have a higher power supporting me especially when my FOO and religous orginazation I was raised in both failed me. So I believe even though it is totally out of my influence now that it can still work out wonderfully. Even when they have pdF and pdGP.
I did learn about enmeshment from Jerry Wise. I learned that because my parents had disorders they used enmeshment as 'love'. So I was still enmeshed with my family even after I put physical distance between us.
It seems like your daughter may 'feel' if you and her sibs are not being enmeshed with her that means you arn't showing her love Imo. This is the way one of my sibs was too.
Its ok if your not ready to block her completely yet. Its ok if you dont ever block her. Everyone is different.
I hope you have a calm day. I hope the sun shines on your face. I hope you get at least one hug and give one too. (This is my goals for today too :) )