Do you ever question if they were a narc after all?

[t666666]

My husband and I separated and he wouldn't speak to me about any separation terms and said courts would have to decide.  Engaged lawyer right away and three months of back and forth ensued.  I even had to send letters back and forth to agree to a set FaceTime schedule with our son as my ex is out of the country and was demanding daily FaceTime at his convenience.

He's trying for spousal support but has now gotten a job in his home country.  I feel like he's starting a new life and now all sorts of other emotions are coming into play.  Suddenly I miss him and I almost feel like just now I'm realizing that it's over.  I am severely depressed - can barely make it through the days.  Working full-time and taking care of a two year old.

My ex has totally backed off now and I'm starting to wonder if it all could have been worked out amicably.  Just so confused and heartbroken.

[Spygirl]

Its tough, and painful

You had this idea of who he was, and how life was going to be, and it wasn't. Or maybe it was for a short time, and then things got dark.

Fear of the unknown is a scary normal emotion. I went through it. I also wondered if i had been mistaken. I went to a shrink for months trying to fix myself thinking i was the problem. I wasn't.

In my case i was missing the mask my stbxh was wearning, my perfect prince. I was missing the expectations i had of my life that fell apart. I was full of shame for leaving and people not seeing the monster i lived with.

The depression is normal and will come and go. Even your husbands' bahavior you will find is pretty typical if you read enough on here.  It will continue to improve as time goes on. Make sure you protect yourself and your child.

[clara]

   I think PDs are adept at showing things to you in one hand while the other is doing something entirely different, t.   His backing off is likely because he feels he's gotten what he wants, or is trying to change tactics, because he's looking for ways to control the situation.  When we're still in the stage where we have doubts, they know it and know how to manipulate us.  One of the more common patterns seems to be a reversal back to the self they originally presented to us after a separation or pending separation occurs.  The mask that slipped during the relationship (once they were secure in getting us) has been put back on.  I know my NPDexh played that trick--suddenly he was nice and sweet and loving because it was the only way he knew to try to get me back under his control.  But I kept in mind his past behavior, things he did as opposed to things he said, and remained wary of him until he disappeared into another relationship.  It seems to be normal to look back on the past in positive terms, because we prefer to forget all the unpleasantness and want to remember the good, and often there's a lot of good early in a relationship with a PD.  But eventually there comes a point where you can remember the good, not just the bad, and still know you were right about your actions.  Hang in there because it WILL get better!   

[t666666]

Thank you for your posts.  They do really help.  I am in my darkest days right now.

[bohemian butterfly]

t666666,

Please know that you are not alone. 

What you are feeling is normal.  The mind is scrambling to make sense of the emotional pain and so is playing the "maybe I?" "What if I did this?" "Maybe it wasn't so bad?"  Etc etc

Please be kind to yourself.  I think in time you will find that you will know that this relationship ending was the best thing to happen to you. 

The mask will slip again. 

You wrote that he was demanding to FaceTime his son at his convenience.  This speaks volumes.   

I keep doubting my gut feelings (my boyfriend).  But as I sit here responding to your post, he burst into the living room asking me question after question.  I answered, but evidently my answers  weren't sufficient as he just scolded me, saying that I was short with him.  🤪. It's always when he wants and what he wants.  It's his world, and I'm just in it.  I'm not a separate person.