Parents who didn't teach basic life skills

[AD]

I'm finding it eye opening as well. There are so many things where it didn't even occur to me that parents would normally help/teach their kids. I feel like I was left to raise myself in so many ways.

I also had times at daycare and school where I was alone. I could never talk to my parents about anything like this, but I also don't think they knew or would have cared to ask. They wouldn't have had any advice for me even if I had talked to them - I don't think they would even have any basic suggestions as to what to do to improve things, as I don't think they function well with others or really have friends. One parent is just really closed off and passive, and the other just rants at people and has zero listening or empathy skills.

[Sidney7]

Same here!

My mother never discussed periods, I knew they happened but never sure how, or when, or what they meant. 
I was never read too or encouraged to do anything academic - I think by the time I was 30 I had only ever read 1 book in my entire life which blows me away! 
My schooling was always secondary to her needs - when I left school the only job I though I could get was either a nurse or a secretary - I honestly thought women could not do anything else.
Never encouraged me to think about myself, I always had to put others first so when it came to my first boyfriend, I walked straight into an abusive relationship because I had no idea what to expect.
Constant negative re-enforcement in regards to everything - I never felt good about myself, still struggling now!

I now have a 6 year old son - I am loving bringing him up the total opposite I was brought up..  he's thriving!! Confident, smart, happy, lots of friends, speaks his mind, he's free to cry, to get angry, to laugh and to just be...  Very healing for me

[artfox]

My mom was very hands-off, and decisions about what I was allowed to do (or not) were based on her interests, not what was good for me. So no sports, but ballet lessons were OK, although she complained about getting bored during performance rehearsals.

If I wanted to do any extracurricular stuff when I got older, i had to make all the arrangements for rides and scheduling. Keeping track of my homework, registering for classes, applying for colleges...all that stuff was 100% up to me. She's sign forms, but that was about it. So I had to learn fast how to manage my time.

And most of the basics I learned on my own. She was very permissive about food, bedtime, just about everything. And other than random criticism if she thought i did something rude or weird, she didn't teach me about having a normal relationship with people.

I always felt, and often still feel, awkward around people. Part of that is just being human, but a lot of it is definitely her influence.

[AD]

Yep - homework, classes, college - I was left to figure all of this out for myself too. I just saw a reality show where the parents were helping the child get set up in their dorm, talking to her about how proud they were and what a great opportunity it would be, comforting her and the other sibling when they were sad about the move/life change.  It would have been so nice to have parents who were emotionally supportive and took an interest. Such basic things, really.

My parents have really never seemed to care about anything. My high school only had applications to a couple of colleges, and I didn't know how to look into other schools or how I would apply. I spent a summer away right after I graduated and realized that I would love to go to this other school....when I thought about delaying for a term to allow time to figure out how to apply/enrol at the other school, my parents were saying things like "she can be the maid, she won't be doing anything" and "if you don't go to school now, you'll never go".  In response to the latter comment, I remember thinking, "wow, you really don't know me at all, do you?" (There was no way I would have considered not going to school, but since they never talked to me about anything or asked about my thoughts/plans, I guess how would they know that?)

[JustKat]

Yep - homework, classes, college - I was left to figure all of this out for myself too.

I had the opposite experience with regard to school. My Nmother expected me to do well with my homework, wanted me to have a clean room, etc, but didn't want me doing those things for myself. When I was very young she would do my homework for me rather than letting me do it myself because she felt she could do it better. She would arrange my room for me, even arrange my closet. If I tried to rearrange it, she'd come back in and tell me I was doing it wrong and to let her do it. I wasn't taught how to do anything for myself and heavily discouraged (if not completely prevented) from doing things on my own.

Nmother even cheated to help me win "awards" that she could brag about. She was an avid sewer, but instead of teaching ME how to sew, she would sew clothes and enter them at the county fair in my name. Then she'd brag to everyone about how I won first place at sewing when I was actually forbidden from touching her sewing machine. Learning to sew would have been a skill I could have used, but instead, she refused to let me near her sewing machine and instead created pieces in my name. The message I took from that was that I was too stupid/not good enough to do it myself. Only SHE could do things right.

I do think the main reason for refusing to teach me any life skills was her way of keeping me dependent on her in an attempt to prevent me from growing up.

[Call Me Cordelia]

JustKathy, that was my mother too!!! I did do my homework myself, but mom always "checked it over" so that I always got everything right. I remember we had desks with a big shelf unit above it in our rooms. She controlled exactly what was on those shelves and how they were arranged. "Keepsakes" mostly from Nparents and Ngrandparents. Nothing at all that was a reflection of our own personalities. So although my sister and I were as different as can be, to look at our room we had no personalities of our own. Our sides were identical in every respect. Nmom chose the paint color, the bedding, everything up until I was 14 and got my own room, and even then I knew to rigidly conform to her style. I only broke out of doing that a few years ago.

The extreme control leading to lack of life skills is the worst with my youngest sibling. She's an adult, but last I saw her she had uPTSD so bad she was scared to cook an egg for fear of Ndad haranguing her for not setting the pan temperature right, getting bits of shell in it, whatever. She's afraid to make a doctor appointment for herself, too. Nmom has to do it for her. Nmom also has done everything possible to prevent this sibling from learning to drive. I have long thought that all of this was her way of keeping us from growing up, and taking away her purpose for living.

[JustKat]

I remember we had desks with a big shelf unit above it in our rooms. She controlled exactly what was on those shelves and how they were arranged.

Oh my gosh, me too! I also had shelves in my room that had things on them placed there and arranged by Nmother. I couldn't put any of my own things there. I had the room SHE wanted me to have. Even as a teenager she would come in my room and rearrange everything to HER liking.

My younger sister also ended up like yours. She's now in her 50s but is stuck in an adolescent state. She has no friends and doesn't date. The few times she did go out on a date my Nmother teased her so badly she never went on another. She bought a house two doors down from them, even though it meant a three-hour commute to work. She's never had any independence. My mother died five years ago so Sister now spends all of her time with enFather. I don't know what she'll do when he dies. She's incapable of being her own person.  I eventually gained life skills because I ran away and had no choice but to learn for survival. My sister was kept a child her whole life and always will be.

[Danie]

You haven't heard it all because I doubt you've heard this!

After my mom became pregnant by another man and my dad left we ended up in a cheap tiny duplex; pregnant mom and 3 small girls. My mom made "0" effort to make a home. We had a few pieces of furniture leftover from her marriage to my dad, but no living room furniture. A bare room. This was like this for years. I don't know where we sat. I remember my aunt visiting and being shocked by it and then buying 2 large pillows to be used as a place to sit. That's pretty stupid too. When my sister and I had the flu and had to say home from school we brought in some outdoor lawn furniture and set it up in the living room to lie in.

One of my childhood friends needed to use use the phone one day (landlines back then) and I just about died at the thought of her seeing the inside of my house! I remember trying to pull the phone cord as long and as hard as possible into the kitchen and then even kind of blocking the doorway. I think she saw the living room and dining room (also bare)  and it haunted me.

We never celebrated a holiday. We had nothing. If she took us clothes shopping she was very pissed off and anxious and told us to hurry. I think I remember her buying us clothes 1 time.

[35andnewlife]

This thread is so sad. I just feel the longing in all of you.

Life skills? I had to apply to play sports, fill out the paperwork, figure out hot to get a physical at the doc's office. If I made the team no one ever came to my games. I never learned how to cook, manage money, take care of my body or study. The studying was the hardest because I was in a rigorous program but had to leave my door open in case my father needed to yell at me for not cleaning something. I never learned how to read, take notes, prepare for exams. I was surprised to see other families, in real life and on TV, where parents actually helped their kids learn how to do things. It seemed foreign to me. 

[Danie]

My mom wouldn't sign our report cards. I remember her being in bed and presenting it to her. She wouldn't so we forged them.
Wouldn't drop us off at church, made us go ask the lady down the block to drive us to church 3 blocks away.
Never gave us any money.
When my sister started her period at age 12, my mom said "you popped your cherry". I helped her get supplies and explained it to her.
Had men over and made noise while having sex when we were nearby.
Never talked to us.....about anything. Never really even talked to us,

[LifeIsWorthLiving]

My parents taught the extracurricular things (skiing, music lesson, even sailing...how fancy) but I was never taught how to brush my teeth, went unbathed for weeks at a time as a small child, and didn't have more than a couple outfits for years. It meant that people would tell me I was being ungrateful if I ever complained about my parents.

[freedfromchaos]

 I am endlessly amazed at the common experiences many of us have had.  I was taught the basics on how to cook and clean house starting about age 7, so I could take over those chores.  But bathing, toothbrushing, self care was figured out on my own.  Everything I was taught was about taking care of everyone except myself. I was taught to go along with whatever anyone demanded and with however they treated me.  Saying  "No" was unacceptable. This all put them in control of me and my life.  It has been a long slow process to come Out of the FOG and teach myself healthy self-care, healthy balance of boundaries for myself and in relationships. I learned I have a choice. Found my voice.  I am NC with NPD father. Had LC (strong boundaries) with BPD mother, who has passed away.
  I was completely unaware of what was happening when I had my first period, literally thought I was dying. But I never said anything about it to my parents because I having any needs beyond the very minimum (food, few clothes) were forbidden and would have made me the focus of a rage session. I would have chosen to die alone in my bed that night rather then bring on the rage. mother saw the blood on some tissues and cheerfully blattered on about seeing changes in my body and wondering when IT would happen.  Gave me her pads. But still never explained what was happening to me.  No internet, no books available to me back then. 
  I did have driver's ed but they did everything to shatter my confidence in my ability to drive. I finally got my license at age 50. I literally had to say out loud "shut up" as their words came to my mind as I drove.   Such sweet freedom in breaking down this wall.
  I wish you all well.

[chowder]

What an interesting thread.  The first thing that comes to mind about not being taught by my parents is trust.  They taught me that those close to you will betray you.  That stays with me to this day.  As a little girl, the "pixie" haircut was popular.  My mother insisted that I get it continually, and my hair was kept very short.  I used to get teased and called "a boy" by my classmates at school.  They would laugh and say, "Hey, how long is your hair, two inches now?!?" I hated it, and my parents knew it.  But my mother insisted, and she would put my father up to tricking me into a haircut.  On a Saturday morning he would invite me to go get a Cherry Coke at the local soda fountain shop.  They knew I enjoyed this.  Once we were out of my apartment building and on the street, he told me where I was really going, knowing that I never would have left the house if I had known, and now out in public I couldn't make a stink with other people around.

My sister kept the betrayal/trust issue going on their behalf.  She would ridicule and berate me for things I couldn't help, she was extremely cruel, and my parents did absolutely nothing about it.  She was the GC.  She even mocked me when I was 21 and she was 25, snickering how my gross pay was less than her net pay.  Of course it was, she had been in the working world for four years longer than I had.  But even as an adult, she had the need to put me down.

They never taught interpersonal/relationship skills and working things out and discussing things.  If there was a disagreement, my mother meted out the silent treatment and my father would leave and spend afternoons/evenings at the local pool hall.  An argument meant a rift that would last who knows how long.  Then my mother would try to recruit people to her side of the argument - "you should know what so-and-so thinks about what you did!"   Truth was, she might have shared with so-and-so, but they did not share her same sentiment.

Later in life, the idea of having a disagreement, airing it out, working it out and then getting along right afterwards was so foreign to me.  Thankfully now it feels normal.

I was not taught any cooking skills.  I used to beg my mother to help her in the kitchen. You know what she had me do? Open a can of something with the can opener.  That was it.

I was not taught anything about basic dating skills.  So I very rarely dated, because I felt uncomfortable doing it.

Wanted to play an instrument, my friends had keyboards and guitars, and I got nothing.

Wanted to go to college.  Mom had not been able to go to college, so she was going to hold me back, and I got no help whatsoever, and never got to go, while all my friends did.

I was discouraged from reading, if you can believe that.   

They taught me nothing to do with money management.

I was forced to go to a dentist who did work without novocaine.  Only in my adult years have I overcome those issues, and can successfully visit a dentist now for the appropriate work.

Personal hygiene/hair/nails/makeup teachings were nonexistent.  Wore uniforms to grammar and high school, so I entered adulthood with absolutely no sense of style whatsoever.

I understand the phrase from a previous poster about feeling like an orphan living with other people.  They very rarely bothered with me, and the sibling violated my sense of self every chance she got.  I actually asked my mother one time why they even had me.

My mother would spend her afternoons sitting at the dining room table, cigarette in hand, talking for hours on the phone.  I was left to my own devices....learned very well how to play solitaire and other card games on the floor.  To this day I do not spend more than five minutes on a phone call.

So I learned all these life skills on my own....somehow I knew that things were different in the outside world, and couldn't wait to leave, which I did at 18.  While I would not wish these experiences on anyone, I am thankful for it making me the strong person I am today.  I'm proud of being self-taught, and even more proud that I was there for my kids and gave of myself and spent time with them.

[broken]

Not only did my NM not want to be bothered with the unrewarding task of teaching her children anything that she wouldn't get the benefit of (she must have showed me how to turn on the vacuum cleaner), but she stomped all over anyone else's efforts to do anything for me that might have enriched my life.  She clearly wasn't going to let anyone else influence me, or *gasp* take credit for anything I might be skilled at. 
Yet, I was expected to be proficient at all tasks.  I would get raged at, because I should "just know", or "it goes without saying", etc. 
I realized as an adult that she expected credit for teaching me all of these skills I mastered on my own or from others.  If she isn't given credit for it, she simply doesn't want to hear about it.

[Indivisible]

Wow. Still completely amazed at all the things I hear. I'm also pretty amazed that abuse perpetuated by PD parents isn't really talked about. Now that I'm learning about all of this,  i'm still scared to tell anybody about it because I think that people will think I'm nuts or ungrateful or didn't really have it that bad or whatever. It's nice to be able to come here and realize I'm not crazy. So, in an earlier post I was talking about how it is so hard for me to feel my feelings. I guess the saying goes be careful what you wish for  because now they're coming. But, I believe this is healthy for me to go through these things. So, my NPDM didn't teach me about my period. At the time that it came I was, I think, 10 1/2 going on 11.   It's another story for another day, but when I was 9 my parents decided that they wanted to live in a different country other than the US. So, my father went to this country about a year before the rest of us to establish things. Then my brother and I joined him.  I was developing very early that was clear so my father must've thought that somebody needed to talk to me about having periods. I think this must've been some sort of divine intervention, because I started my period probably about 6 months after he talked to me. So at least I knew what was going on, but I had learned to hold thoughts about myself and my feelings inside by that time so I didn't have anybody to talk to about it.  Along with having periods we never discussed sex in any shape or fashion. I think I just intuited that it was bad or dirty or something. So never had any discussions about it. Never any discussions from loving  parents explaining that sex is part of a loving and adult relationship and that someday – when I was much older – I would probably experience it with another person. Never having had these kind of talks and at the age of 14 looking far older I was definitely bate for older men. I lost my virginity when I was 14. It was not pleasant, it was not with someone who cared about with me, I don't know if it would be considered rape – statutory rape yes -  but again I don't I didn't have anybody to talk about this with so I don't know what it was. I didn't have very many sexual encounters after this.  I didn't really want to have anything to do with sex until I met my husband at age 16. I feel that only as an adult and on my own I was able to work through having an adult relationship with sex included. But right now to be honest I'm feeling a lot of sadness about the 14-year-old girl who was molested and unprotected. Thanks for listening.

[JustKat]

Along with having periods we never discussed sex in any shape or fashion. I think I just intuited that it was bad or dirty or something. So never had any discussions about it. Never any discussions from loving  parents explaining that sex is part of a loving and adult relationship and that someday – when I was much older – I would probably experience it with another person. Never having had these kind of talks and at the age of 14 looking far older I was definitely bate for older men. I lost my virginity when I was 14. It was not pleasant, it was not with someone who cared about with me, I don't know if it would be considered rape

Hi Indivisible,

You're not alone in this. My NPDm also refused to talk about sex and acted as if it was something dirty. I lost my virginity in a similar way, to someone who did not care about me. When it happened I was confused and didn't even understand what was going on. I put it out of my mind and tried to move one from it, but in recent years I've given a lot of thought as to whether or not it was rape. The more I think about it, the more I have to say that yes, it was. I allowed it to happen, but I don't think it's consensual when you don't understand what's happening to you.

One thing that really stands out to me in this thread is that none of us were told about our periods. I hadn't realised how common that was with Nmothers, but it seems like a pretty consistent trait. You know, the movie "Carrie" came out when I was in high school and I immediately related to Carrie White's circumstances. That opening scene where she gets her period and everyone throws pads at her triggers me to this day. That didn't happen to me at school but did happen at home. When I got my period my mother literally threw a pad at me.

I wonder why NPDmothers ignore this important information. Is it yet another way to try to prevent us from growing up? My NPDm tried to stop me from growing up by controlling my clothes, my hairstyle, my ability to shave, and other things that could actually be controlled, but there's no way to control menstruation. It's going to happen, no matter what they do or say.

[Indivisible]

JustKathy, thank you so much for your response.  I'm sorry you went through this experience - it's heartbreaking. I've also been pondering over the years whether or not I was raped, and whether or not I was responsible for not stopping it? It weighs on my mind. Yeah, also the one thing that I'm coming to realize is I was a kid when this happened so how could I have known what it was or what to do about it?  My UNPD also didn't talk about shaving my legs or armpits; using deodorant; taking care of and properly cleaning of my genitals; finding and using the right kind of bra, etc.  I don't know why it wasn't communicated.  I learned at a very young age not to tell my mother things that were going on with me because she had a habit of announcing things that were personal and private at family and friend functions so this is probably why I never talked to her or asked her anything about these things.

[Danie]

I remember my mom sitting at the kitchen table by herself with her legs up on the table eating a steak! I asked her if I could have some and she angrily berated me saying I didn't deserve it because I didn't work for it.....I was about 11.

One memory my sisters and I have laughed about a lot, but it's really disgusting was our mom had tons of falsies! Remember those? She had a whole drawer of them and she didn't try to keep them private...at all. She would wash out her lingerie by hand and it would be hanging in the one bathroom we had, always. Also her douche bag. I think she was douching as a way to control pregnancy or just because she was very promiscuous. Her douche bag was always hanging to dry in our bathroom because it got a lot of use. What a way to raise 3 girls.

[SomethingElse]

Haha.
I got ballet lessons.
Just not lessons on how to take out the garbage or ask for money when doing yard work for neighbors, etc..
You know, until I was an adult and had to learn the hard way.

[Irongiant97]

I know I'm late to this post, but I'm on board. My parents taught me very little, and when they did they usually showed me once, and when I didn't get it perfect I was told I need to "
try harder" and "I showed you, you know this!". My mom straight up told me she didn't believe in teaching kids anything because it "teaches you to be independent and think for yourself". I also really relate when you said you wouldn't even talk to them about anything or ask for advice because they were basically useless. I learned early on that asking for help, expressing emotion, opinions, pain, struggles, etc. Was a big NO NO, and never acceptable. I remember I had to teach myself how to ride a bike because my mom refused to.