Backing out of a gathering I already agreed to

[jojosmile]

Scapegoat child, second of 7, left home at 18. Codependent mother, overt narc + abusive father.
Was NC except email for 4 years, then started texting a year ago.

Last month, I agreed to meet 2 sisters for a girls' trip in NY.
They asked if mother could join. I said yes.
My plan was for this to be a light girls trip, and then in Christmastime, I'd see the whole fam. But I should've known my plans mean zilch to them. 

The day before the NY trip, mother tells me that father is driving her and two youngest sibs to NY. I inquired about changed plans. She said the younger sibs would be lonely without her. I said the boys were fine coming along. I wasn't ready to meet HIM. She did nothing except say that "he should know about this."

I should've expected it.

I must've been in a dissociative state the whole time around him. Smiled a lot and said nothing. He wanted me to extend my trip but I wouldn't have that. I think he wanted to stay the night with us but I said nothing to allow that and gladly enough he didn't ask. I was around him maybe just an hour in total.

I thought I did great until the trip was over and I came home. The next morning, I was quite ill.
I realized that he got his way again and busted my boundaries right under my nose. I thought I was smarter than that but I guess I was wrong.

I've already told them I'll be there in Christmastime to see them all, including the father. I don't want to anymore. I don't mind seeing her and the sibs but it's gonna take A LOT more inner work than I thought for me to be okay around him.

Honestly I WANT to say to them: if he's there, I can't be, and if he isn't, then I'd love to be.
But I know they'll just go to him with this, he'll pull some other lie or gambit on me, and I'll face busted boundaries all over again.

Before I left, the mother gave me a check she says was from him. In the midst of all this, you can imagine I haven't deposited it yet. Today she texted me about it and I told her I would. As if I didn't feel obligated enough 
I want to deposit it and then cancel on the holiday trip but that just sounds so mean to me.
But unlike them, I know it's temporary and just a matter of giving myself more time to do inner work.

Canceling wouldn't feel so hard if I didn't already agree. To me, that's the main problem. I'd be going back on a promise and that kills me.

Is it reasonable of me to cancel? If so, then how should I say it?

[FromTheSwamp]

Changing your Christmas plans is not breaking a promise.  They will be fine without you.  You aren't leaving them in the lurch.  Just tell them you have changed your plans.  Don't give any kind of explanation they can argue with - your "no" is not the beginning of a negotiation. 

"I'm not going to make it for Christmas this year.  I'll miss you all, of course!" is the sort of thing I would say.

[illogical]

Hi jojosmile & welcome to the forum!

I wouldn't cash that check.  I would tear it up.  That way you won't feel like your dad has "bought" you.

Changing your Christmas plans is not breaking a promise.  They will be fine without you.  You aren't leaving them in the lurch.  Just tell them you have changed your plans.  Don't give any kind of explanation they can argue with - your "no" is not the beginning of a negotiation. 

"I'm not going to make it for Christmas this year.  I'll miss you all, of course!" is the sort of thing I would say.

  I wholeheartedly agree.  No JADEing on your response. 

I have agreed to stuff and then backed out.   It's no fun.  But it is an alternative to showing up and being miserable.  And in my case, after doing that a few times and feeling like I let others down, I thought more in advance about committing.  So I would say, chalk this one up to a learning experience and tell them what FromTheSwamp said. 

It sounds like you are doing great with your boundaries, you just got caught off guard.  A response I have found helpful in these situations-- i.e., where you get caught off guard-- is to not give an answer.  Hedge and say "I'll get back to you on that."  Then email or text "I won't be able to make it.  Thanks for your invitation."  or something like that.

[jojosmile]

Hi jojosmile & welcome to the forum!

I wouldn't cash that check.  I would tear it up.  That way you won't feel like your dad has "bought" you.

Changing your Christmas plans is not breaking a promise.  They will be fine without you.  You aren't leaving them in the lurch.  Just tell them you have changed your plans.  Don't give any kind of explanation they can argue with - your "no" is not the beginning of a negotiation. 

"I'm not going to make it for Christmas this year.  I'll miss you all, of course!" is the sort of thing I would say.

  I wholeheartedly agree.  No JADEing on your response. 

I have agreed to stuff and then backed out.   It's no fun.  But it is an alternative to showing up and being miserable.  And in my case, after doing that a few times and feeling like I let others down, I thought more in advance about committing.  So I would say, chalk this one up to a learning experience and tell them what FromTheSwamp said. 

It sounds like you are doing great with your boundaries, you just got caught off guard.  A response I have found helpful in these situations-- i.e., where you get caught off guard-- is to not give an answer.  Hedge and say "I'll get back to you on that."  Then email or text "I won't be able to make it.  Thanks for your invitation."  or something like that.

Thanks for the welcome and the advice, FromTheSwamp and illogical.

I'm considering cashing the check and donating it all to an abuse survivors organization. The money is more than I'd donate but not enough to "improve my life" so it feels perfect to me. And yes... if I kept it, part of me would feel bought. But donating feels even better than tearing it up, which kind of makes me sad.

I can't believe how much like quicksand it can start to feel. I thought I was free of it, and maybe I was, but when you slip, the FOG is so quick to suck you back in.

I've learned a lesson, here, to protect myself better and hedge next time. I honestly did plan to see them all in Christmastime, including him, but after he pulled that one on me, I just don't want to be near any of them. If I'm going to visit someone, I'm not entitled to someone not coming along, but if that's the case, then I can't visit anymore.

I'm feeling more and more confident about telling them I won't be making it. The mother called tonight and I didn't answer, just texted her "hello what's up". No way I'm making this harder for myself than it is.