Apprehensive...

[wisingup]

My uBPDm is horrible with money.   I won't go into details, but there's a lot of impulse spending, poor decision making & general cluelessness about how things works.   After a very indulgent upbringing, I had to drop out of college when they went bankrupt during my freshman year which has resulted in my having a certain amount of PTSD around money issues. 

About a year ago mom sold her house that she had reverse-mortgaged & moved in with her sister.   Shockingly (OK, not really), that is not going well & now she wants to move to a retirement home.  She wants my brother or I to co-sign for her to buy a condo there.

I know better than to become financially entangled with her - I would not be able to sleep at night.  I told my brother that of course it's his call if he does it, but I don't think he should.  So it looks like again I get to disappoint and enrage her.  I'll wait to hear all the facts, but I'm considering handing her a sum of money, or maybe sending a monthly amount, instead of doing the co-signing.  I don't want her to be homeless or suffer in any way, but I so need to be free of her neediness & manufactured crises.

[GettingOOTF]

This sounds like an awful situation to be in. My parents were also bad with money. It was feast or famine (mostly famine) and I have major issues around money myself.

Your mother won't be homeless. She has a home now and she had a home in the past. Whether or not she sees this she is choosing her situation. She could get along better with her sister - sharing space is always hard, she could have made better financial decisions. She chose not to.

You are under no obligation to support her financially. It sounds like the more support you give her the more she needs. She wasn't responsible with her own money, so odds are she will be less responsible with money you give her.

Rather than co-signing could you and your brother purchase somewhere together that she can live in? I'f you co-sign on a place in her name there is no guarantee that she won't do the same things she did before, except this time you would be legally on the hook for it.

I don't really have any experience with this, but I didn't want your post to go unanswered. It's awful when our parents put us in positions like this.

[Andeza]

I just wanted to pop in and say you're not a horrible person. Co-signing or co-borrowing is always a bad idea. Doesn't matter how well you know a person or how responsible they are. Things happen that are beyond control and unforeseeable, like accidents, injuries, etc. Therefore, it's best to just not, in my opinion.

You could give money, but it sounds like your M will just squander that away as well.

If your M didn't want to be in this position, there are tons of free resources available to her that would have helped avoid it. I'm a firm believer in self education. Also her own choice to cause friction with her sister is unfortunate.

For finances, I like Dave Ramsey. He likes to say that giving money to someone that spends out of control (like Congress is generally how he phrases it) and has no self discipline is like giving a drunk a drink. The outcome is predictable.

You have the option to completely walk away from this situation if you like. That is a perfectly acceptable choice!  If you choose to help in any way, I would make sure your M doesn't have access to the funds at any point. It's sad... But that's her track record. Mismanagement to the extreme by your description.

I'm sorry you're having to deal with the stress of this situation. I hope you find the choice that you are most comfortable with.

[freedom77]

Hello wisingup,

I deal with similar from my BPD/N mother.

If I were you, I would not give her money, nor would I co-sign, or sign, anything.

We're all adults. We freely make choices, and live with the consequences. PD parents are adept at manufacturing crises and chaos with the expectation that we will rescue them.

I have found this is done deliberately.

Of course you do not want to see your mother homeless. But a wise friend once said to me, If she doesn't care, how much are you supposed to care? We should never invest more into someone else's problems than they are willing to invest themselves.

Your mother is not homeless. She has a place to live. It is up to her, her CHOICE, to make it work with her sister. Or apply for government housing, like a subsidized rent, based on income apartment. It's up to her to figure it out. It is not your job.

People have children, and we are obligated to our children to provide for them until they are of age, because we CHOSE to birth them, and parent them. They did not ask to be born. We made that choice for them, thus creating the 18 year obligation. Many PD parents will do a reverse of this philosophy, and claim that WE are obligated to THEM because we were born.

If I were you, I'd tell your mother firmly you are not in a position to finance her choices. Doesn't matter if you are financially able, you don't have to, that in and of itself qualifies you as not being in a position to aid her.

If she is careless with her own money, she'll be even more so with yours.

Signing something would most certainly put you in a bad position. You'd be on the hook for years and years to come and it could impact your credit and financial health for a very long time. To the point you may find yourself in the same sinking boat as her. Don't let it be lost on you, that if she's anything like my own mother, she would enjoy that scenario. My own mother would often encourage me to make questionable choices with the hope that I would fail, and join her in misery.

Say NO. Expect lots of nasty fall out. Too bad. She made choices, and you are not responsible for them. The more responsibility you allow to be thrust upon you, the more responsible she will make you.

I've been riding that train for years. Destination nowhere. Get off the train, and tell her to make it work with her sister.

[wisingup]

Thank you!!!  I needed to hear all of that.   After 24 hours, I am calmer about the whole thing.  There is no reason, at age 82, she needs to purchase a condo if she cannot afford to on her own.  With her basic income (SS + a smallish pension) and whatever savings she was planning to use for the down payment, she should be able to find a subsidized senior apartment.  It may not be the style that she has grown accustomed to / feels entitled to, but it would be a safe solid roof over her head.  I cannot and will not join my husband's & my lifetime of careful savings to her unpredictable financial behavior.

So this is what I will tell her.  She won't like it - but then again she often does not like reality.  Not my issue.

So grateful to all of you for your responses!