At my wits end!

[mercymercyme]

Hi everyone, I've been reading the posts on this site for a couple of years now and it really helps to know I'm not alone in this situation, I feel enormous guilt even thinking badly of my mum so I tend to just 'try to cope' with her if you know what I mean.
Anyway...   to cut a long story short, I have up my office job a couple of years ago now and started a doggy daycare business from home which has been really successful. The problem is my mum has started coming EVERY DAY and just letting herself in as she knows that I am here and am unable to go out. She even came at 7:30 am last Sunday! My husband is like me in that he was brought up to be very polite so she doesn't really know I guess that I don't want her here constantly. Although I did ask her once to not come quite do often and she had a major strip and kept away for a couple of weeks, then back to couple of times a week,  then more and now it's back to every day again. I have no idea what to do, I don't want to go back into an office or give up my business and I also don't want to move (it has crossed my mind believe me).
Does anyone have any advice? I feel trapped and like my home is not my own. I've tried grey rock but I heart sinks when I see her pull up outside and I know I will be a captive audience for the nasty comments about everyone she knows and the criticism of me.
Thanks for reading x

[Spring Butterfly]

How does she get in? If the doors are generally left unlocked it's time to adjust that practice. If she has a key it's time to change the locks. There's nothing wrong with answering the door and letting her know you don't have time or are on your way out, on your way into the shower, in the middle of crazy sex, swamped with paperwork you really must get to immediately, on a conference call, whatever.

There's nothing impolite about a frank conversation that working from home means just that and it doesn't mean you're up for company any time of the day. I'm not familiar with how you generally interact with her. If you're comfortable you can say how much you love her and it would be nice to set aside time for tea when you're not working. Offer an alternative that suits you both.

Years back I faced a situation in that after spending several hours a day with uPDm and enF they would call, text and email. I let them know that I was focused on my family when I was home and wouldn't be able to answer them back until I saw them the next day. They didn't like it but it was reasonable. They also expected to spend weekends together and I let them know that was our family time with friends. They didn't like that either but it was reasonable. I'm not responsible for how others feel about a reasonable boundary communicated with compassion and kindness.

If you're not already familiar the Toolbox topic on Medium Chill has some good tips.

[mercymercyme]

Thank you Spring Butterfly for your answer, I know what you are saying is all true. The last time I tried to get her to come less often I put it very politely saying that I wanted to spend meaningful (scheduled) time with her etc. She is a massive rager though and she scares me to death, quite a few years ago now she had a major rage at me in front of several of my family and I couldn't stop shaking for days. I just now realise how pathetic this sounds as I am 49 yrs old not 4 and to be honest just writing about it on here is making it seem more real (i.e. A problem) - it was just always 'how she is ' you know?
She just steamrollers over anything I am doing in that moment, I could be in any situation at all and she would expect to be included, or 'I will just wait while you do it'. Just massive enmeshment and expectation always.
I need to get my courage up and just tell her and get it over with 😮 it's just terrifying and goes against everything I was brought up to do.

[justducky]

Ugh, a rager. That's scary stuff no matter how old you are!

Here are some suggestions. Do with them as you wish. I understand that it's easy for me to offer advice since I don't have to follow through with any of it and deal with a raging PD.

First, without worrying about possible blowback from your mum, decide how often you're okay with her visiting at your home. Pick a timeframe. Weekly? Every other week? Less than that is an option. You could choose to meet her somewhere other than your home.

Second, decide how to tell your mum about your wishes. Based on past experience she won't like it. Tough noogies. You control your time and your home. Whether you tell her in person, by phone, or by text or email, keep it short, to the point, and polite. For example, "Mum, I've adjusted my schedule.  I'm available to spend time with you on [time frame] at [location(s)]. Hope to see you then." Don't JADE!

Third, decide how to enforce your boundary. Since she's showing up at your house daily, start locking the doors and change locks if necessary. It's likely she'll ignore your change in schedule, so decide in advance what you'll do when she shows up and demands to be let in. You don't have to answer the door. Perhaps your husband tell her through a closed door that your schedule is your schedule. If she escalates, call the police. I'm not kidding. They'll make her leave.

Good luck with this. It's a tough situation. 

[SunnyMeadow]

Way back when I first found this site, I did a ton of reading on how to handle this sort of thing with my mother. She had an episode where she was SO ANGRY with a choice I made that she screamed at me and I truly thought she was going to slap me. I was in my late 40s at the time. I was disgusted with her behavior. After this, I started pulling away from her. I took baby steps to break away from her and I mean tiny, teeny baby steps. I read something on detaching with love so that's what I set in motion. She would have raged even more and involved family members if I had gone NC.

Through the years I weaned her from me. We had been talking on the phone, texting and emailing all the time, multiple times a day - ugh. I got it down to a once a week call and maybe a text every other day 

If I was dealing with your mother, I'd start being slightly short with her when she shows up. I'd act busy, flustered and not paying her much attention. This won't be fun for her. They love constant attention, lessen it. Act slightly put off when you answer the door. My whole goal was to detach from my mother without causing WWIII. It worked to a certain extent.

I know how these narc mothers are, it's scary dealing with them because we were raised to tip-toe around them and their feelings. It felt so weird to me to pull away but I had to. My mother didn't have any problems throwing guilt my way either which made it even worse. I know you said you don't want to move and you shouldn't have to! But if you can't ever get relief from her constant visits, I'd consider it to protect myself and my marriage.

[Spring Butterfly]

Ugh yes I was thinking that might be the case. Not pathetic at all. My counselor didn't understand why I couldn't make my doctor appointments when it was best for me or why I couldn't just run errands. I was a grown woman in my 50's but when she flew off the rails into a proper rage complete with a full ripping me to shreds I was a mess. Constantly. Eventually I realized she often did it when no one outside the family was around. If there were others around although her rage would be less but to others she appeared off her rocker. I stood in silence, looked at her, looked at others, shrugged and walked away.

Sunny, thanks for mentioning detatching with love. I remember that and it was helpful.

Here are other topics that helped me
https://outofthefog.website/top-100-trait-blog/2015/11/4/raging-violence-and-impulsive-aggression
https://outofthefog.website/top-100-trait-blog/2015/10/21/anger

Thanks to hypervigilence and overactive fear I could often "feel" the seething and would suddenly have to leave. I spent every weekday with them shopping, errands and lunch. Slowly I had the strength to claim my life and begin to make my own plans. Who did I think I was not being able to make lunch or needing to end my day early? The worse she reacted the more I backed away. How unfortunate for them both.

She taught me it was better not to meet up in the first place than to meet up and have to leave. Her loss. It was a gradual backing away similar to Sunny. My goal was to fade gently to avoid rage. What a major insult and how dare I just do what I need to get done for me and my family. They got so insulted they don't bother with me hardly at all. Maybe I get a text from them every few months.

Bit by bit she destroyed any amount of me caring what she thought of it because there was no pleasing her. Ever. Don't get me wrong, I feel love for them as humans but the relationship just disintegrated. It's not for me not trying. There is no way for them to accept I am a human with basic human rights. Check Pete Walkers website on creating your own Bill of Rights. http://pete-walker.com/humanBillofRights.htm

I read mine every day to keep myself reassured my life was my own to live. How sad that a grown woman needs to put forth such extraordinary effort for such a thing? I hadn't been stripped of my human rights. I had never had them at all and had to create them. We only get one life to live and I wasn't going to wait until they were both dead in order to finally start living my life. You don't need her permission. It's your human right.

[mercymercyme]

Hi, Thank you so much for taking the time to reply, I can't tell you what it means to have others who 'get it', I've read all of your replies several times 🙂. It's hard for me to put words to how bad it feels. I've lurked on this forum for a good few years now and read extensively on NPD / BPD, cluster B's etc. and STILL I think ... was / is it really that bad? Is it me? I have real trouble feeling anger for anyone except for myself which is weird because I consider myself to be a strong person generally. The worst bit is that my mum was the 'good' parent ! And still no anger FFS just despair. I am very much a 'suck it up ' type, as you say it's unbelievable that  it comes to a struggle to have any basic freedoms at all.
Thank you for the resources I will certainly check them out. Something has to give. I would love to save a magic wand and never have to see her again but unlucky for me I don't have one 😆. I have wanted to post here for a very long time and I think just doing this and reaching out and being heard is going to start the ball rolling finally. Hugs to you all x

[Liketheducks]

Great advice here.   Setting the boundary and then enforcing it are my biggest challenges.   I feel like I'm a horrible person for doing it.....but I'll tell you.....it WORKS.   I think that is one of the hardest parts of growing up in a dysfunctional family.   I had zero boundaries.     You don't have to allow her or anyone else steam roll you like that.   Congratulations on your business!     

[Cat of the Canals]

One of the reasons we moved was because my husband and I work from home and his BPD mother took that as carte blanche to come over whenever she wanted with little or no notice, despite the fact that it was a 2 hour drive. One time, when she arrived and we weren't there, she sent a barrage of texts, demanding to know where we were... like it had never occurred to her that we had an entire life outside of her impromptu visits. 

Husband asked her to stop, so she would go to his brother's house instead (10 minutes from us) and call us to let us know she was "in town." Marginally better, but not really. She still never bothered to ask if/when we had time for a visit.

Like others have said, setting the boundary is hard, sticking to it is harder.

For starters, make it more concrete than "don't visit so often." I would suggest something along the lines of: "If you would like to visit, you need to call me first and I will let you know if it's a good time or not." The second half of that is important... don't just tell her to "call first" or she'll call or text and just show up. (Ask me how I know.) The key is that you need to be an active participant in deciding when you're getting together.

Next, decide pre-emptively how often you are willing to see her. Once a week? This boundary is for you... she doesn't need to know how many visits she'll be "allowed." 

Third, get used to saying NO. It's uncomfortable, and she knows that, so she's going to make you say it A LOT. Boundaries are healthy, but she probably never taught you that. My PDmom certainly didn't. That's because they didn't want us to figure out that we are allowed to say no to them.

Lastly, if she "forgets" and shows up unannounced in any context, do not answer the door. Like everyone else had said, if she has keys, change the locks. If she doesn't, get in the habit of locking the door. If, on the off chance, you happen to be standing outside watering your garden when she shows up, you bring up the boundary immediately. "Unfortunately, now is not a good time. I'm very busy. This is why I asked you to make plans with me before just coming over." Don't offer explanations or excuses. No is a complete sentence.

Most of all, remember that she is not entitled to your time. And if she valued your time at all, she'd understand. But she probably won't, because she thinks your time belongs to her.

[Amadahy]

First, congrats on your business!!  Awesome!!

Watch videos on youtube to bolster your courage with folks like Dr. Ramani, Les Carter, etc.  They give practical great advice and somehow help you feel less alone.  Believe me, the more you practice setting and holding your boundaries, the better, and it will get easier.  That feeling of age 4? That is an emotional flashback and they are more debilitating than folks know.  Read Pete Walker, who coined that term and helped me feel less unsure of myself.

[mercymercyme]

Hi again, all very good advice and made me feel much stronger in dealing with this because as ACON's we can struggle to know what is appropriate or 'normal' behaviour I guess. I watched a lot of Jerry Wise vids last night and it was a real eye opener for me 😲. I've also had a big talk with DH and hashed it out for a good while. He sees the problem with my mum as her behaviour is overt and he doesn't like the dogs and insults she gives me - but he has been raised by a covert, waify mum (his dad died when he was a toddler) but he doesn't see it at all, doesn't want to see it which is fine but the end result though is that he has to behave the same as I do i.e. Parent is always right, must come first in every situation etc. E.g. I was taking to him about the replies you have all sent to me (I was giddy with relief) and of course we decided to try the softly detaching way first, so we talked about being a bit less welcoming, less chatty and stuff like not jumping up to make her a cup of tea the second her car pulls up, and he said in all seriousness. "But I can't not make her a cup of tea!" . ..😱😱😱. Oh the horror!! 😂😂😂
So yeah , it's going to be a steep learning curve.
So glad I posted , I see it as a challenge and to be honest I am feeling a thousand times better already. X

[mercymercyme]

OMG that Bill of rights!! I have saved it to my photos on my phone and I will look at it daily until it sinks in.
The one that resonated with me the most was :- and

I have a right to complain about life's unfairness and injustices.

I HATE to moan about anything!! I also don't like when others do it makes me deeply uncomfortable and I feel like the biggest a**hole in the world if I dare mention any upset I might feel. Wow 😲