Stupid day....entitlement

[Liketheducks]

Had a rough work day.   It is my mom's birthday.   Woke up knowing that no matter what I do, it's never good enough.    It won't be what she wanted.   It won't be what the GC did.       What planet do PD parents come from?     It is if my mom thinks she bore me to be her safe place, her parent, her savior.         I just don't understand.   Particularly after becoming a parent myself.    I CHOOSE to have our son.   He had no choice in the matter.   It was my duty to support, nurture, care, and raise him.....a labor of love for me.    My job as parent to support him through tantrums and terrible twos.....and teen years....without taking the challenges of parenting personally.   

[Pepin]

Your mom has too much power over your thoughts.  Also, acknowledging a family member's birthday is not a competition.  People have the right to participate however they see fit: for some it may be a card, small gift, a phone call, a coffee out with the Bday person, sending flowers, a meal out, an outing of some sort, etc.  There is no code for how a person must be celebrated.  Don't let your mother or GC sibling get in your headspace over it no matter how much flak they give you.  Most people I know are delighted just to get a card or some minimal recognition.  Even a text or whatever is enough... Do what you feel is right for you -- even if it is the smallest acknowledgement.  And then check it off your list like it was some kind of calendar reminder.  That's it.  Your mother isn't the late Queen of England or anyone of that stature I am guessing....but she thinks she is.  Well.  By what you write, it sounds like her behavior isn't deserving of it!  And I know....PDs love attention especially at their birthdays.  Let it all go.....the fact that you had a rough day over it means that the birthday just isn't worth it.  No one deserves to have that kind of control over you.  Go celebrate yourself instead!     Do something good for you. 

[treesgrowslowly]

Hi LiketheDucks,

I agree with Pepin - this can become a time for you to celebrate you- and that will come in time I think.

In my experience, birthdays in PD family systems are rough. There's a history of a lot of wounding and damage caused by the PD (on their birthday, and on the birthdays of others). Birthdays give narcissists a lot of what they are always seeking - attention, supply, and opportunities to gaslight others in various ways.

Those of us who lived through a childhood with them, we probably each have our own memories of how the PD made the birthday especially confusing or just plain miserable at times. Whether it was their birthday or our birthday, or a siblings birthday.

I've come to believe that the narcissists in my life, did not experience joy. And so any attempt to pretend they were partaking in joyful moments during a birthday were false. They were there for the supply. I came home, feeling completely gaslit, because that is what it was. I was being gaslit. They were not there for anything joyful at all.

Of course you can't relate to how a PD lacks in empathy. If you have empathy and you are a loving parent (which you are), then you won't be able to truly relate to how they feel - and yes, you will rightly wonder if they are from a different planet!!

There is some deep wisdom in what you woke up feeling - what you do is never going to be enough for her - if she's a narcissist then there is nothing anyone can do that will be 'enough' for her.

Someday soon, this realization will free up some of the stuff you've been carrying, and you'll feel more free from the way that she's affected your life.
I say this because throughout my healing journey, I have been awoken many times by thoughts and emotions that needed to come up. Painful, fearful thoughts and emotions, that eventually gave me relief because I could let them out. It is hard though, to wake up feeling these things. I hear you.

I think that birthdays in the PD family have a lot of emotional power over us as we work to heal. The birth date each year, has the power to remind us that our FOO situation was full of woundings. That is what I believe, after years of seeing how powerful the birthday times are in terms of my own emotions.

As the fixer, for years I tried to make birthdays look "normal" for our FOO. And of course I failed.

What I felt inside, when I got home, all those years before I went NC with my uNPDm, was hurt. And, at the time, I saw that as 'normal'. Years on, I now know it was creating more PTSD for me. Her birthday dinners (that I mostly paid for once I hit adulthood) were deeply painful events for me. It wasn't about enjoying time together, it wasn't about feeling safe. It was about being insulted, ignored, criticized and judged by her. Nothing I did was ever good enough either. Gifts I bought were either tossed aside or a negative comment was hurled at me "oh, I'll never use this" and other such 'gratitudes' 

Take good care of yourself and know that it is common to feel out of sorts on and around your parents birthday while you are healing.

Trees

[moglow]

" It is my mom's birthday.   Woke up knowing that no matter what I do, it's never good enough.    It won't be what she wanted.   It won't be what the GC did. "

'ducks, once again you sing the song of my people. I went through that with md also, every birthday and holiday I'd get a recitation of who'd called and when, what they did for her etc, with hardly an acknowledgment that I was even there. On her most recent landmark birthday, the one brother in attendance with me struggled for conversation. We pulled everything we could to include her and were frankly exhausted by the end of it. It was obvious that our shared childhood memories were new to her and she didn't really engage on any level. Then on the way home all she could talk about were my brothers who *weren't* there, how she assumed we were going to surprise her, it was just us three, now what are we going to do, etc. She apparently was very upset and depressed later, all over her assumptions and no indication that she'd spent the better part of that day with us, literally closing down a restaurant before it was over. But it was presented to others as if she were ignored, neglected, abandoned on a major birthday. It was never enough. Lesson learned - We've not tried since, and won't.

Breathe and give yourself a break here. Understand that abyss isn't yours to fill, any more than she is to fill yours. Separate the two and I'll almost guarantee you'll feel considerably better. Think of any time she was "there" for you on any consistent reliable basis. Oh. She wasn't? I'm not saying this is payback, but we do reap what we sow. Removing yourself isn't punishment - it's protection. It's nurturing and caring for yourself, even if only removing their emotional access. You deserve better, 'ducks. Reach out and take that.

[MarieIsFree]

Ugh. birthdays are the worst.... After re-establishing NC with my dad (well, he did that, actually, with his refusal to see the pain he's caused), I've decided that every year on his birthday, I'm going to do something nice for myself, to celebrate the fact that he did not extinguish me. It sounds like you have a lot to celebrate too: your survival, your loving relationship with your son, the fact that her birthday's now over for another year and you made it through! I wish you well.