Bad guy AGAIN

[Justme729]

Just to kinda echo off my last post, my mother checked herself out again AMA.  Refuses to follow doctors orders.  I'm the bad guy again because I can't cope with her drama.  I feel horrible saying she did this to herself when a relative tells me how bad off she was.  I can't care. I've had my own crisis going on here.  When I mentioned that to a relative on the phone, all I heard was how unfortunate and hung up. Why do I need to beg her to take care of her health? She's had her whole life to do so.  I used to beg and plea for her to care.  I want someone to care for me.  The little girl in me just needs someone to care because I'm tired of being the strong grown up.

[Big Bear]

Just Me,

Your health is your responsibility.  Your co-worker's health is her responsibility, your next-door neighbor's health is his responsibility, and well, your mother's health is her responsibility.  Each adult is responsible for his or her own health.  When we give to family members it should not be out of guilt or obligation.  . 

Please do not feel guilty for taking care of yourself.  I'm sorry to hear that you have your own crisis to deal with.     Please take care of yourself.  Your own situation should come first.  Take care!   

Big Bear

[NarcKiddo]

 

There's a reason why the safety briefing on a plane tells you to put on your own oxygen mask before trying to help anyone else.

Sorry things are not going well for you. I can identify with the feeling of just wanting someone to look after me for a change. Hugs.

[Justme729]

I'm definitely putting on my oxygen mask first.  I need to take care of me.  This is what gets me:

My teenager almost lost her life in an accident.  Yet, I'm supposed to be there for my mother's health crisis.  A crisis she makes worse by not listening to doctor's orders and taking care of her health.  Not a single person has asked how my daughter  is or how we are coping.   How court went, how she was dealing with the aftermath, the car situation, etc. just so much more.  I don't expect anything from them, but it irritates me to be expected to behave a certain way with her.

Im just sad about it all.   

[Poppy]

Hi Justme,

Growing up I was also the one responsible for everyone's wellbeing. The mediator, the coach, the helper, the one to dump all your issues on. The garbage bin basically, I realised when I was older and got Out of the FOG. This is such a shitty role.

I'm so sorry about your daughter and I hope she's doing better. Physically and mentally because that must have been a huge scare. Same goes for you - and dealing with the aftermath of lawyers and what not must be such an extra ordeal. I'm sorry no one reached out to ask YOU how you all are coping. But this is typical isn't it. The helpers don't get any help themselves. Very unfair and unfortunately very common.

It also makes it feel that much more unfair because you do so much for your mother. But here's the key though... You have a choice in that. It may not feel like you do because you've probably been expected to fill this role your whole life. But really, you do.

My teenager almost lost her life in an accident.  Yet, I'm supposed to be there for my mother's health crisis.

You are NOT supposed to be there for your mother's health. That is NOT your responsibility. She may tell you it is. Or imply it. And have for your whole life probably. Or other family members may say so. But it's not true. It is not your responsibility how your mother treats her own body. It is not on you to come to anyone's rescue.
You are responsible for you and your children. That's it.

You decide how much time, emotional space and effort you are willing and capable of spending on other people - including your mother. And by what I read, right now you're spending more than you've got.

You're allowed to stop.
Put boundaries in place.
Decide what feels good to help out with and what you will leave for others or your mother herself.

It will mean a huge shift in your relationship with likely lots of push back. Saying you changed, how come you're so unkind all of a sudden etc etc. But this is part of the journey toward your freedom and emotional safety and peace. It's hard, but worth it!

You're not 'supposed' to do anything. Please set yourself free of this lie. Take control and decide for yourself how you live your life.

[lkdrymom]

How is your daughter doing?

Take care of yourself and your kids.  You mother is free to make her own decisions, even if they are bad one.   And with that she is free to deal with the consequences of her bad decisions.  Not you.  My father was the same way.  He'd do something dumb then expect me to run to his rescue.  If that happens once or twice, fine.  But when it happens weekly, no.  Let her live her consequences. Maybe she will learn from it, maybe she won't.  Either way not your responsibility.