I JADE-ed...dammit!!!

[SparkStillLit]

At least I noticed?
He was telling me about a drive thru test site (you'll remember he's had all these "covid symptoms" and when he did finally go to dr, they had no tests. At least, that's what he said.)
He says they're doing antibody tests there and he wants to go.
I said I'd seen it, but it said "flu & covid testing" and I figured it was for actual virus and you'd have to meet a bunch of criteria like before.
He immediately jumped on me "thanks for telling me". I JADE-ed saying it just popped up and I thought it was for the above. No use to him now.
Why don't I just shut up!!!! Why have I got to instantly JADE like that before I can even think! It's like a reflex! I've done this before, too. Just out my mouth before I even take a breath. I have got to slow down and count to at least 3 before responding to him. That's just it, too. Response not reaction.

[NumbLotus]

It IS a reflex. We reflexively defend ourselves when attacked, because OF COURSE. Believe me, we all do it, even when we try not to. None of us have perfect JADE-free, total MC demeanors.

All you can do is say "whoops, will try to remember next time."

[SparkStillLit]

It's just that he'll push this button OVER and OVER once he's gotten a reaction.  I guess that means I can be on the lookout for it. Such an exhausting way to live.

[GettingOOTF]

It took me years to break myself of my JADE habit. I still fall back in to it occasionally. You are doing great, door let it upset you. You are aware of it and working on it. It's a process. Hang in there.

[NumbLotus]

I know.

The button H pushes, a lot less often than your H because my H's PD is more minor and he only plays defense and not offense, but the button he knows to push when he feels like he can't live without getting any kind of reaction out of me is to say something so wild and bizarrely untrue it's just pure crazycakes-land.

My mind will scream, HOW COULD HE POSSIBLY EVEN ***THINK*** THAT??

I think for me it's not even primarily about defending myself but the agony of my brain breaking from reality being bent. It's gaslighting that pushes me over the edge.

I realized that he knew what he was doing, maybe not 100% consciously but it was a purposeful move. And then, from that, I could conclude that he didn't actually believe in the reality-bending pronouncement.

And therefore, I had no need to counter it in any way.

That was the key for me. If he doesn't believe it, why argue with it? It's just a move. "Whatever." I'm not saying he doesn't believe crazy stuff, but that button pushing is not worth defending since he doesn't really believe it either.

After that, I rarely fall for it.

But sometimes, yeah. I'll always trip up sometimes. Nothing to do but say "whoops" to myself and move on.

[Jsinjin]

It's so hard to become Stone when the S/O PD knows you so well.   Their patterns and pathways to elicit a response from.the ones they trust to validate with a response are so well honed you have to almost have a warning light and time out for yourself before you respond and that's so difficult.

I feel for you and I understand.

Thoughts and prayers!

[GentleSoul]

I hear you.  I work hard not to JADE but sometimes it just slips out. 

I feel annoyed at myself when I do it however I know it happens because H is going full out to trigger a response in me. 

He wants a response of any type, he doesn't care if positive or negative. 

Just ATTENTION.  Argh.