Should I stay or should I go?

[Mug]

It was my parent's anniversary yesterday. I facetimed them with my two year old daughter. For what seems like the millionth time, they asked when we are going to visit them. They've offered to put us in a hotel. I've thanked them, but told them we have too many pets to leave them for more than a day trip. Now they keep asking when I and the two year old will visit for the weekend. They want me to leave my husband at home to take care of the pets. I didn't want to spend the weekend with them in the first place. Leaving my husband at home to take care of all of our animals as well as our foster dogs seems rude on top of it all, although he said he wouldn't mind if I went. I suppose it would be different if my parents would actually have some sort of plan. But no. They let my mother decide everything, and she is constantly changing her mind. In the middle of getting ready to leave (which is a three hour process because she must never leave the house looking anything besides perfect and she still makes fun of herself) she will decide she doesn't feel like going anywhere. Or she will start a fight with my dad and that will escalate. She is ALWAYS LATE and changing our plans.  For example, they invited us to go to the zoo and have dinner with them afterwards. We drove two hours to meet them. We were at the zoo for an hour before I called them to find out they weren't coming. So we went to eat dinner at 3pm! They were there for 10 minutes, obviously had been fighting, and then my mom said she couldn't do this anymore and insisted they leave.

Bottom line, I don't want to go. I don't like driving in the traffic. I don't want to leave my husband alone with all the responsibility (even if he says he's fine with it), I don't want to take that bonding time away from my husband. He commutes two hours one way to his job everyday. There are some nights I can't keep our daughter awake late enought to see him. I think asking me to take more time away from his incredibly inconsideate and rude. Or am I overreacting and I should consider taking her? I don't want my daughter to have the crappy relationship I have with my grandmother.

[Starboard Song]

If there weren't all the complexities of travel involved, I'd say it was time for new boundaries that reduce your risk of inconvenience and emotional turmoil. It is not unreasonable for one of those limits to be that you cannot do overnights at this time.

It is also not unreasonable to announce that the two-year-old doesn't like being out at restaurants anyway, so you will pick up a dinner and bring it to their house: having a two-year-old is a ticket to schedule management, which they should be able to respect. If you communicate about it with kindness, I hope they'll take this opportunity to have you in their lives. And maybe they'll appreciate you making somethings easier.

Good luck.

[Iguanagos]

Ugh, this sounds terrible. How frustrating that when you do try to get together with her, no small feat on your part, she finds a way to sabotage the whole thing and ruin it for everyone.

I don't remember your backstory, but it sounds like your mom has more borderline aspects the narcissistic ones.  I find borderline aspects more difficult to deal with in general then narc ones. Her inability to manage her own emotions means everyone else has to bend over backwards to accommodate her, over and over. It's exhausting I'm sure!

Plus, with her now making an offer for a get together, it makes you feel or appear to be the bad guy if you don't go along. I really can see how you feel like you're in a box with no good options. And what you really want is to not to have to do this at all.

I have a feeling if you call her out on her bad behavior, for example by telling her she's always late, she will find a way to throw that back at you or at someone, like her husband, and not see her own role in it.

You mentioned that you drove two hours to meet them. Here's a thought, what if you each drove an hour and you met in the middle somewhere for a meal? Just a meal, nothing more. And if you time it for a time when you (and especially your two year old) are going to have to eat anyway, it won't be that big a change to your overall routine.

I don't know if this would work given your animal situation, but it might automatically put a boundary on it, because it's just a meal. When you're done, you will have to go your separate ways.

If she still balks at that offer, then it's not that she wants a visit with you, it's that she wants you in her house and under her control and unable to escape. You have every right to refuse that and do what's right for you, your DH, and your daughter.

[capybara]

It sounds infuriating! But I think that you can insist on setting limits, and your daughter is a perfect reason. Everyone knows that toddlers need schedules, regular meals, and limits to how long they are sitting in the car.

If something like the zoo happens again, can you just refuse to meet at the restaurant? Say "We're here at the zoo, and if you change your mind, we will be here for another hour (or whatever)?" Your mom may flip out. But you can't teach your daughter to cater to your mother's every whim either.

[JustKat]

Hi Mug,

I really sympathize with your situation. I also have a lot of pets in addition to foster animals. That's a ton of work and a lot of responsibility that isn't easy to just walk away from. Like you, I also wouldn't feel comfortable dumping that on my husband since they're my rescues and my responsibility. It just wouldn't be fair to him. The expense of paying a pet sitter to care for a house full of animals also wouldn't be fair to either one of you. Leaving the pets would be more than I could manage, and you have a two-year-old on top of it.

This is not only a terrible inconvenience for you, but you have a flake of a mother waiting for you on the other end, so once there, the trip could go very badly. I think it's perfectly reasonable to just tell them, "Between my child and my pets, I just can't manage it." If you don't want to go, don't.

Iguanagos had a good idea about meeting them halfway. That way you're in a restaurant, not their house, and are free to leave when you want to. If they decline that offer, well, you tried to compromise so they have no right to complain or play the victim.

I think you're a great mother for putting your daughter's needs first. If you're happier staying at home with your new family and pets, stay home, be happy. 

[Sojourner17]

Hi Mug, I'm sorry you are feeling the pressure to make a trip to see your mom right now. From what I remember from your previous posts you are also pregnant with your second. To me, your pregnancy, your toddler, time with your hubby and your animal responsibilities are a lot/more than enough for you to keep the boundary to not make the drive.... plus, you don't want to! Take care of yourself and your FOC.
I like the suggestion of meeting halfway for a meal or coffee or maybe someplace where grandma could visit with you and play with your 2year old... not sure if that's an option where you live but in the end, take care of you and your littles first! Wishing you the best!

[appaloosa]

I wouldn't go. You don't want to go and it's inconvenient to go. You don't need more reasons. Put yourself and your FOC first. No apologies.

[Mug]

Thank you all for the support and advice. I've thought of trying to meet somewhere in the middle, but unfortunately there isn't much between me and my parents besides fields. I am pregnant with my second child, and while I'm doing better, I still have issues (car sickness mostly). I know my husband can manage all the pets, but I don't feel like he should have to. He works so hard so I can stay at home with our daughter. I don't want to go, so I won't. I'll figure out exactly how to word it whenever I can't avoid it anymore. It's so nice to have the support of all of you. It's really helped me learn how to live with my mom's "needs."

[WomanInterrupted]

I think you made the right decision.   

Wording you might want to consider is, "I'm very busy and can't get away.  I'll let you know when a good time will be." 

And then you just *don't.* 

If they keep bringing it up, I'd put a stop to it by saying, "I told you I'll let you know when a good time will be.  The topic is no longer up for discussion."   

If they still won't drop it, I'd resort to an abrupt, but calm, "I have to go. Goodbye." - and hang up, even if they're still talking. 

After that, I'd hang up any time the topic comes up because your boundary was YOU will let THEM know - if they can't respect that, the conversation ends.

I understand about your pets - we have 9 cats, and one of them is on a *lot* of holistic treatments/herbal supplements (at least 10, and some given a few times a day).  Happy Jacks has long-term cholangiohepatitis, and nobody can seem to figure out *why*, so I provide support care and keep her happy, purring and eating. 

While my DH is perfectly capable of following directions, if I wrote them down, like you, I don't feel he should *have* to.  He's got enough going on and keeping everybody happy and healthy is a job  I signed on for.  DH helps with brekkies on the weekend (he gets up before the crack of dawn to game, and I sleep in), and dinner most weeknights (we feed everybody, together), but everything else falls to me, and I like it that way.   

If the system works, your parents don't get to throw a cog in it, just because they expect your compliance.

Their expectations don't matter - YOU and your FOC do.   

[GentleSoul]

Good work on sticking to your boundaries.