Quick anger

[Amadahy]

Hey y'all,

Some days I feel more broken than others. Today is pretty rough.

On one hand, my coping w Nmom involves gray rock and medium chill. This is extremely unsatisfying and I feel like I've gone boring in my life outside the narc universe. I have zero interests, little energy and am self-isolating.

On the whole other end of things, I get seethingly angry at times. There's usually a reason and I'm never out of control, but my anger is out of proportion to the offense.

Today, for example, I went for a massage appointment. I was met at the door by a receptionist and told curtly, "you'll have to wait." There's a waiting room, but I  was left outside. It's cold. I sat in my car, but I felt the rage build. When my practitioner came to get me, I couldn't stay I was shaking so much and felt so upset. I was blunt in what made me upset, said I did not blame the practitioner, but could not stay for the appointment. I did not yell or threaten or anything like that, but I was so shaken and so upset that I just couldn't stay. My reaction feels out of proportion to the event, but part of my feeling broken is that I just can't gauge these things.

Dammit. I could have (obviously) used that massage. 🤨

Anyway, I vacillate between hiding from the world and growing angry quickly. If anyone else here can understand, can you offer what has helped you?  I am in counseling. The quick anger is fairly new, within the last couple of months,

Thanks! 😘

[Poison Ivy]

I understand but I don't think I have any suggestions for what helps.

I yelled at my dog this morning, several times.  Her behavior was bothering me, but she wasn't being naughty to be malicious; she wanted me to do something for her but it wasn't clear exactly what, so she started knocking things down.  Ideally, I would never yell at her (or only when her life is in danger), and this morning I did it just because I was frustrated with her and about other things in my life. I felt guilty afterward.

[notrightinthehead]

Amahady, I hope the practicioner apologized and explained what happened. Otherwise I would look for another, more hospitable place. You were right to be upset, you were right to leave - it is unusual when there is a waiting area that they would make you wait outside. For me - I would have felt like a second class citizen.

I think you stood up for yourself and you would have felt humiliated if you had gone ahead and paid for such treatment. Be proud of yourself! That was not a small thing. Surely there must be another massage therapist who will treat you with the respect a client deserves?

As for the anger - maybe you have suppressed it for so long that now, when it comes out it is very forceful and will fine tune with time?

[Amadahy]

I'm sorry you've experienced quick anger with your dog today, Poison Ivy! I hope you can feel better. I'm sure you'll get puppy kisses! 🐶

Thanks, notrightinthehead, for your affirmation. It's a weird arrangement. Masseuse is in a chiro office, so rude staff isn't really her staff. She was very kind, wanted me to stay, but I was too distraught. I actually did pay her because it wasn't her doing and I respect her work.

I've gone back and forth all afternoon — I was too reactive .... no, I was justified .... no, too reactive.... Exhausting! 

I think I was too reactive in terms of my over-the-top physical response (shaky, heart racing, etc), but I did speak my upset in a firm but respectful way. I guess I had a honking big c-ptsd response and I did the best I could.

Thanks for taking time to respond.

[NumbLotus]

I wonder if this is different from anger, per se, but being triggered.

When I am angry, I feel, well, mad, and I want to express myself and get things right. My heart beats harder and my blood pressure goes up. I still have a measure of impulse control, speaking for myself. If I'm really blowing my top, I won't be able to hide it on my face or my tone of voice, which will get short.

But there is another feeling, of being triggered, and that goes beyond. I won't be able to control myself much at all, I'll be a mess. Shaking, red face, tears. I will have additional feelings, like confusion and shame - what is going on??

I will feel like I have to get away, NOW. Like a survival issue.

Your description reminded me more of how I conceptualize being triggered than the way I experience anger.

Funny, last time I was fully triggered involved a dog, too. Several months ago, when things were worse, was watching a friend's puppy. Cute puppy. I was during that time holding it together pretty well on a daily basis, I thought. Calm on the outside, numbly calm and kind of dissociated on the inside. I bent down to clean up a puppy pee pad when the puppy excitedly jumped toward my face.

The puppy was just being a puppy, but this feeling of TOTAL FURY just exploded in my. It was like primally protecting myself, and it was waaaaay out of proportion to the "threat." I wanted to shove the puppy away from me HARD and scream at it. I did neither, thankfully, but if anyone had been in the room with me, they would have been like "what the heck is wrong with you??" I bet my face looked awful. It took time to calm down.

[roughdiamonds1]

It sounds a bit like you're just going into fight or flight mode... the feeling shaky and heart racing are a definite symptoms of that, and the feelings of rage are just what happen when you feel threatened and out of control.

There's a lot of reasons you might be going into fight or flight more than normal... if you're very run down, or sick... or if you've got other things going on in your life. Whatever the cause, I think that anger/rage is simply signifying a general level of stress within your body and you're going into survival mode. Whether you're admitting it to yourself or not in your head, your body will show the stress in some way or another.

You mentioned that you're feeling quite despondent generally. Is there a possibility that when you are applying gray rock to some relationships within your life, that you are in effect blocking out lots of other things too? I.e. you might be successful in blocking out abuse, but are you also blocking out feelings of joy and satisfaction and pleasure and also connection with others?

I think that our stress levels can start rising when we are holding things inside of us, and also when we start to lose grip of who we really are and what we love doing and who our authentic selves are.

I've had a long journey with trying to figure out the source of my anger. It didn't happen a huge amount, but when it did, it was similar to you, it would come out of nowhere and not usually be proportionate to the event that just happened. I have found my anger subside quite recently with lots of counselling, trying to peel back layers of my responses to things... and oddly enough, the thing that made the biggest change was when I was able to truly and completely believe and accept that the abusive, controlling and all round crappy behaviour that I've been on the receiving end of from my ILs and DH, is not my fault. I thought I understood this, having had counselling for years, but it turned out I needed to understand it at a much deeper level, and I had to keep exploring that issue for a very long time, and keep getting validation and reframing every incident with my psych and also a kinesiologist before I truly 'got it'. The anger just started melting away slowly from that point. It's like I was fighting the injustice of treatment towards me with this anger at pointless things. Starting to dare to believe that i deserved better, and that I was not the things they said I was.... it seems so simple, but I really did have to take it to a cellular level before I could truly begin to believe that I am the only one who knows who I truly am. Not them.

[Spygirl]

I did this for a couple months. Had been separated from my expdh for 6 months. Waz in that place where i was finally sleeping, having fewer panic attacks, and i was pushing forward with the divorce.
For me, it was like the shock and realization that i was my own person, could FEEL things again instead of shoving things down, that all the repressed feelings just boiled over.
I was at once a snapping curt person and also a blubbering softie.
I didnt care about how other people felt about my resonse or behavior. Some other people on this site told me a out similar experiences. Perhaps its a normal thing.
Anyhoo, i was over it in a couple months. It leveled off. I was able to be assertive without overdoing it.

Give yourself a break. Youve been through alot. You know its happening, so thats good.