How do you deal with all the others

[Lilyloo]

Though I have come a long way in learning about NPD's  and have managed to muster up some nerve with my mother, I cannot put other people out of my mind. I keep thinking they judge me, they dislike me, they think I'm cruel for setting boundaries and speaking out about what damage my mother has caused me.

Most of them tell me "just ignore" her, or I hear "well the sons still go there, after all she is their mom"  or "she's old" I try to explain that it's not just old age. I knew at age 12 there was something wrong with her! People excuse her actions all the time!

I can't figure out why I even care It's the single most difficult issue I am dealing with.  I want to get past this.

[biggerfish]

Hi LindaLoo. I hear ya totally, and I can relate but I've since pretty much overcome the problem:

When I first went low and then no contact with my uPDm, I was being judged too. I finally figured out that it was because I was explaining myself. If we explain ourselves, then others think they can reply, and thus we end up feeling judged.

So I stopped explaining myself. My new replacement strategies, depending on circumstances:

• Avoid the subject entirely
• Be silent in response
• Be evasive and change the subject
• Agree vehemently and then continue to do what I need to do
• Basically turn those relationships more "formal," which means I no longer talk about anything personal, such as my feelings
• Medium Chill with those people or even NC

It can be scary at first to change how you relate to people, and you can expect a new judgment, too, which takes the form of "she's not the person she used to be..." LOL.  But all it takes is practice, and you'll hear less and less of the judgment. I'm much happier now that I am evasive, and I am now actually respected by some of those former judges. And I no longer care what they think, because I don't hear what they think any more.

Note something else I've learned, too. When I explain myself, I have a hidden expectation that my explanation will change their minds. But people don't want their minds changed, and they feel manipulated. That's why they argue. Everyone's happier now that I've become mysterious.

[Lilyloo]

Thank you biggerfish!  I will use your advice!  It's great advice!  In thinking about what you've said, I can see that my trying to explain is doing no good at all and only harming me. My husband tells me all the time "forget about it, she won't change"  I'm trying to figure out why others matter so much. I guess I just want to be seen as a good person, maybe?? 

You're right, I'm wanting them to change their minds. This is huge!  It's draining me and taking away from my life trying to make anyone understand. I know what she does, I know how she's damaged me so why do I need any other human being to get it?? Validation, for sure, but it only gets more painful, more stressful trying over and over again. Many of them know how she is, but they choose to ignore it.

I am going to do this, be evasive, be mysterious. Thank you so much! 

I am happy that I can come here and know everyone understands

[biggerfish]

LindaLoo -- we're cheering you on!   

[Lilyloo]

Thank you biggerfish! 

[Boat Babe]

I admit to lying to my mother. I learned to do that from a young age as a parentified child to keep her sweet. I hated it as it felt so inauthentic (I was a very religious child having had a Roman Catholic upbringing).

Now I still lie in order to protect myself (I'm 62 and she's 86). I need to keep low contact (about two phone calls a week and a visit every four to six weeks in order to stay well myself. Spending any amount of time with her has me reaching for the bottle(!) and I now plead sickness when she asks for more visits. . It's the only thing she understands and she kinda likes the idea of me being unwell.
Not proud of myself but it works for me.

[biggerfish]

I admit to lying to my mother. I learned to do that from a young age as a parentified child to keep her sweet. I hated it as it felt so inauthentic (I was a very religious child having had a Roman Catholic upbringing).

Now I still lie in order to protect myself (I'm 62 and she's 86). I need to keep low contact (about two phone calls a week and a visit every four to six weeks in order to stay well myself. Spending any amount of time with her has me reaching for the bottle(!) and I now plead sickness when she asks for more visits. . It's the only thing she understands and she kinda likes the idea of me being unwell.
Not proud of myself but it works for me.

Boat Babe, in my opinion, this is the picture of emotional health and wisdom. And I chuckle over your touch of humor regarding your mother liking "the idea of me being unwell."  I don't think you are being inauthentic. In fact, you are being quite genuine in this relationship. I'll bet your genuineness is a quality that others find loveable about you. I also admire that you are able to identify "not proud of myself." It strikes me you are keeping in its rightful marginalized place.

LindaLoo, I don't think you have to figure out why you care what others think. Instead, chalk it up to a bad habit, and then, similar to Boat Babe, create some habits that will help you take care of yourself.